There's Dumb And There's Dumber

Texas Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert  really is as dumb as he looks.  A local bonehead rancher here in Lufkin, Texas, Simon (Bullshtter Extraordinaire) Winston has decided to run against Louie next election.  Ole Simon who I understand has more bullshit than the Fort Worth stockyards says Loony Louie doesn’t get anything done and he can prove it because Louie is debt.

I think Slimy Simon’s thinking is along these lines.  The majority of the members of Congress are millionaires and a large number of these millionaires WERE NOT millionaires until after they got to Congress. So if Loony Louie is actually a hundred thousand in debt, it means he is even too dumb to steal.

Little Simon has the family pedigree to back up his right-wing nut ideology.  Seems his 83 year old momma was the person who paid for an extremely distasteful anti-Obama billboard in Lufkin a few years ago that caused quite an up roar.  I understand Simon’s campaign motto is, “If you’re into Dumb, I’m the one.”

More Kentucky voters are coming forward about being upset with their new Governor elect Matt (Just Another Horse’s Ass From Kentucky) Bevin who ran on a platform of destroying Medicaid expansion is actually doing it.  When a woman who was upset about it was asked why she voted for him, she replied, “I’m just a die-hard Republican.” No actually you are a die-dead with out insurance Republican.

Loseranna Governor Booby (Jihad) Jindal has dropped out of the Presidential race.  He said he came to realize it wasn’t his time after the latest survey showed that only 2/3’s of his family knew who he was. 

All of the Republican candidates running in the Presidential race have actually agreed on something.  They are for expanding the Trump plan and are all for building a wall around the entire United States. 

  

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Blah Blahs

Talk radio host Kevin ((I Have A Lower I.Q. Than Pat Robertson) Swanson hosted a little gossip session in Iowa this past weekend known as the National Religious Liberties Conference. Kev is also the pastor of The First Church of the Stupid. Their members believe that Eve shouldn’t taken that bite out of the tree of knowledge.  Little Kev is the poster boy for all misogynistic, homophobic assholes everywhere.  He thinks gay people should be stoned to death and that God wrecks havoc with floods and disease on nations that don’t follow his commandments.  

So with credentials like that Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee, Rafael ( I Don’t Have A Clue) Cruz and Booby (Jihad) Jindal couldn’t wait to get up there to lick his boots and say really stupid things.  They all agreed that Kim (Homophobic Hick) Davis was a real American and that if they became President, Jesus would be their Vice-President.
 

The latest Republican polls still show Carson and Trump leading, but there is some good news in there.  “None of the Above” has now moved up to number 4.  I don’t think there is a chance in hell of Dr. Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson being the Republican nominee, but I do think there is a medical procedure that could extend his run a little bit longer.  He could have his jaw wired shut.

Michele (Section Eight) Bachmann traveled over to Israel to try and convince those folks that Jesus had booked his flight and was heading back so they needed to convert to Christianity. And here in the good ole USA,  Christians are just beside themselves because Starbucks have taken the snowflakes and reindeer off of their Christmas cups and now they are just plain red.  They claim it is more of the "War on Christmas." I am at a loss to explain why having a plan red cup is an assault on Christmas. Maybe they think when Jesus decides to come back, he will be riding Rudolf.    I have said it before but it is worth repeating.  I will be so glad when the rapture gets here and these assholes will be gone.

Between denying climate change, the right for gays to marry, the economic recovery and the decline in unemployment, I think the GOP (Group of Panders) should now be referred to as the GOD (Group of Deniers).  After all it fits their image so well. 



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday All Over Again

Evidently Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee and Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry have been watching Donald (Hair-Brained) Rump rise to the top of the Republican polls by making incredibly stupid statements and have decided they can be just as stupid.

Little Mikey jumped into the fray by comparing the President to Hitler with his “leading the Israelis to the ovens” statement and Ricky Pooh by saying that everyone in the movie theater should have a gun. I would say both of those statements would be deemed Trump worthy.

Honorable Mention goes to Loseranna Governor Booby (Jihad) Jindal for saying that the shooting in the theater in his state proves that we need to spend more money on mental health care.  I guess little Booby forgot that he cut 34 million dollars from mental health care in his budget two years ago.  

I just came across an interesting article talking about how all of the blowhards on Faux News right after George Warmonger Bush had brought the economy to an all time low by letting the Wall Street banks run amok began to tell everyone they needed to put their money in gold.

Well it seems that a whole lot of the boneheads who had a lot more money than common sense did just that and gold climbed to an all time high of $1900 an ounce. Of course as we all know, nothing stays the same and gold is now down about $900 dollars an ounce, but here is the real problem. Gold is different than investing in other things. Gold is a physical thing and has to be stored and storage cost a lot of money. So not only have they lost a lot of money on their investment, but they have to pay a ton of money to store it
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All of this reminded me of post I wrote a few years ago so I thought I would re-post it just for grins.

The Golden Rule

You know the one, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”   I truly believe if we all followed this simple rule the world would be a much better place.  Unfortunately the golden rule that seems to be used in today’s world is “He who has the gold, rules.”

Speaking of gold, gold’s value is a cultural phenomenon.  Mostly it is deemed valuable because it is RARE.  Well, that got me thinking.  Uh oh, here we go again with me thinking.

Here are some other things that are very rare in this world.

• Anyone in Washington who has any common sense.

• Corporations who have a clue to who their employs are.

• Radio stations that plays more than twenty songs over and over.

• Talk radio host who actually know what they are talking about.

• Politicians who tell the truth.

• Celebrities who have actually done something creative.

• A Wall Street banker who has a conscience.

• Me getting up before noon.

 Why do they give you a gold watch when you retire?  Once you’re retired, why would you care what time it is?  They should give it to you when they hire you so you can get to work on time





Stay tuned for future adventures.  

A Few Boubles From My Soap Box

I understand the White House is thinking about inviting Bill (Sleep My Pretty One) Cosby for drinks and dinner. The plan is to slip him some Quaaludes and when he passes out, take back his Presidential Medal of Freedom.  

Loseranna Governor  Booby (Jihad) Jindal, Former Talk show blowhard, Preacher and Governor Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee, Rafael (I Don’t Have A Clue) Cruz, Rick (I Should Be In A) Santorum, Bill (Wife Beater) O’Reilly and many of the other blowhards on Faux News have been raving and ranting for months about the “War On Christianity.”

Let’s take a look at this so called war. There are over 350,000 churches in America. As of today not a single one has been closed or shut down.  The aforementioned boneheads and many different preachers have gone on the TV, radio, newspapers and internet to rant and spew about this so called war.  As of today, not a single one of their mean-spirited stupid words lies has been censored. Some war huh?

I do believe there is cause for a war though and the enemy is the idiots I have just mentioned. It should be the “War on Stupidity” 

The TeaNut Republicans including all of the boneheads signed up in the Republican Presidential Hindenburg are having a conniption fit over Obama's Iran/Nuke deal. They say that Iran is our oldest arch enemy.

The TeaNuts are pretty sure that it was the Iranians who showed Eve how to bake an apple pie. They also say to remember Dec 7th, that it was Iran who bombed Pearl Harbor; it says so in the new Texas history books. And when we tried to help the Iranians run their country by sending them that nice Shaw guy they said he was a maniacal mass murder and replaced him with that Oldmeanie person. Also they point out that the Israeli Whine Minister Bennie I'manut, who we pay zillions of dollars to be our best friend, says that Iran should return to their old name of Persia and get back into the rug business.  

One last thought and I’m done with it on the Confederate Flag.  The boneheads who want to keep it flying say it’s because they want something that is a symbol of their heritage.  Then what they need to do is find something in their history that they can be proud of and the rest of the world would think was something good. I’m sure there are a number of things and then design a flag around that. The Civil War and slavery is not something they should be proud of. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.  

Friday Foolery

Looks like the accommodations for the Republican Convention are set.

Oh goodie, we have another bonehead who says he is going to climb into the ill-fated GOP Hindenburg.  Former Virginia Governor Jim (I Know, I’ve Never Heard Of Me Either) Gilmore says he checked his social calendar and didn’t have a thing penciled in for the next couple of years, so why not.  Jimbo was also a former U.S. Army Intelligence Officer.  I would say that this decision shows that the keyword here is former.

Little Jimmy says he thinks President Obama’s economic policies have been a big failure. Really?  Let’s see what Obama has done since inheriting George Warmonger Bush’s colossal financial implosion.

Here in Texas where people like to say everything is bigger, even the dumb stuff.  The new history books downplay the role of slavery in the civil war. Texas Education board member Pat (I Are A High School Graduate) Hardy says that the Civil War was fought over “states rights.” Not slavery.  Uh, yeah, the right for states to own slaves. It says so in the south’s declaration of secession eighteen times. 

This is just another example of a lame-brained TeaNut Republican rewriting history to suit their needs.  I can’t wait for the next edition to come out because I’m sure Texas wins the Alamo. 

I once read that the only reason Texas doesn’t fall into the Gulf of Mexico is because Oklahoma sucks so bad.  I am beginning to think that might be true. The Oklahoma Supreme Court ruled last week that the Ten Commandments monument in front of the state capitol would have to be removed. Oklahoma Governor Mary (I’ve) Fallin (And Can’t Get Up) says no way and is asking the state legislature to change their constitution.  That certainly fits right in with their state motto, Oklahoma: We’re Okie Dopey.

Here is another bonehead from the state of Loseranna, you know the fine state that has Governor Booby (Jihad) Jindal and Phil (Duck Dickhead Dynasty) Robertson. Dale (Dr. Kevorkian Ain’t Got Nothin’ On Me) Cox who is the acting District Attorney for Caddo Parish in Loseranna is all for the death penalty. Terminator Dale says we need to “kill more people.”  He went on to say, “Retribution is a valid societal interest,”  No Dale you dumbass, the death penalty is revenge, not retribution.  

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Bubbles From My Soap Box

Looks like Lousyanna Governor Booby (Jihad) Jindal has the Duck Dynasty vote tied up.  Let’s see counting the 11 family members on the show and the show audience of 23 unrelated boneheads, wow, he is almost up to fifty votes already. Little Booby went on the TV over the weekend to complain about the Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage.  He said he believes in the traditional biblical marriage of one man and multiple women.

Surely the Republican Party can see that they are going to have to make some major changes very quickly.  Word is that New Jersey Governor Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie is going to do a cannonball into the Presidential pool next week and let’s face it, that clown car is packed as it is and Chissy Pooh is no lightweight.  I mean literally. This guy must weigh 330.  They are going to have to get a eighteen wheeler.

Texas Congessmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert is afraid that God will leave America unprotected now that boys in black have ruled on same-sex marriage. I wonder if he is talking about the God who was asleep at the wheel during 9/11. Sandy Hook, Charleston Church massacre, Pearl Harbor, Influenza of 1918 and about a jillion other instances since the beginning of time.

Oklahomaphoic Senaterrible James (I’m Not A Scientist, But I Am A Moron) Inhofe said yesterday that he has gay friends who thought the Supreme Court ruling was wrong. That is probably the biggest lie this asshole has told yet.  This bonehead has no friends.

Pat (If You’re White, You’re Alright) Boone thinks the President shouldn’t talk about racism. This asshole who made his career standing on the shoulders of black people by covering their songs is the racist in this conversation.  When this jerk was singing “White Christmas” he wasn’t talking about snow.

 The first time I heard this no-talent bonehead’s version of Little Richard’s Long Tall Sally or Tuttie Fruttie, I wanted to throw up. He needs to crawl back under his rock and wait for rapture.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

There Is Good News After All

News Flash:

The religious wackos are NOT having a gay ole time today and the Republicans are saying that the Supreme Court upholding Obamacare made them sick, but now the Republicans do have a new campaign slogan thanks to that ruling.  It is “If you would like to see six and half million people to lose their health care, vote for a Republican for President”

Loseranna Governor Booby (Jihad) Jindal has officially become the 113^th or 114^th Republican candidate for President. Little Booby who has a 31% approval rating in his own state thinks he should be President.  Booby likes to call himself a small government politician, which actually means that very few people in Government know who he is. I understand his campaign slogan will be “Vote for me, I’m the only governor from Louisiana who hasn’t gone to prison.”

New Jersey Governor Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie whose approval ratings are down to 30% and Wisconsin Governor Scott (Street) Walker whose approval ratings are down to 41%  are expected creep into the race next week. Evidently these three boneheads who have done a lousy job running their state would now like to do a lousy job running the whole country.

Really, really, really rich blowhard and egomaniac Donald ( Huge Ego, Tiny Brain) Trump said yesterday that Univision’s deciding not to run The Miss Universe Pageant because of the racist comments he made at his Presidential announcement made his hair stand on end. The Don went on to say that he loved Mexicans and thought everybody ought to have one.

Little Donny also said  he has some really big plans for the country as soon as he is elected President King.  To let the rest of the world know what is happening, he is going to change America to Trumpland.  We will no longer be called the United States Of America, or USA as we like to chant, but will known as Nimcompoops Under Trump’s Sanctions or as the rest of the world will refer to us, NUTS.  

He says his many years of being a slumlord has given him the experience of how to deal with poor people so he will have no problem dealing with the rest of the world. He said he would begin negotiating with ISIS just as soon as learns how to spell it.  

My prediction is that now little Donny has actually filed papers to run for President, his lawyers will find something in the fine print which will let him drop out of the race before they start checking his financials.  

Sarah (Half-Ass Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin’s daughter Bristol (Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places) Palin is once again proving just how badly she failed abstinence only sex education class. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Bubbles From My Soapbox

The Republican Party is out in Arizona this week having their annual spring meeting cleaning.  Their conundrum is trying to figure out how to par down the number of boneheads eligible for the primary debates because it is likely they will have between 20 to 150 candidates running for President.

One way would be to have a TV show similar to The Bachelor or DWTS and eliminate somebody every week until you get down to one.  The perfect show would be to have them on “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” but probably none of them could survive that one.

They could also just draw straws because in the end, I really doubt if it matters who winds up holding the bag.

Here is the line up as it stands now.

Officially signed up:

Edwardo Teddy (Pick Me, Pick Me) Cruz

Mike (I Need A Job) Huckster

Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson

Marco (I Need A Drink Of Water) Rubio

Rand )My Mother Invented Fish Sticks) Paul

Carly (Your Fired) Fiorina

  

Waiting Stage Far Right to throw hat into ring:

Lindsey (I Need A Mint Julep) Graham

Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry

Rick ( I Need To Be In A) Santorum

Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neal) Bush

Chris (I'll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie

Bobby (Jihad) Jindal

Donald (Massive Ego, Minimal  Intelligence) Trump

Scott (Street) Walker

There are four more who have expressed interest in running making a fool of themselves on the public stage but their names are so low in recognition that even I can’t come up with a snappy name to give them.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Morning Quarterback

Iowa had an old fashion religious tent revival this week end and they broke the hands off the National Bull Shit gauge.  

Thousands hundreds of conservatives converged on Waukee, Iowa to attend the Faith and Freedom Coalition’s 15^th annual let’s mix politics and religion to hear Eduardo (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz to talk about science. He said the earth is not totally flat, it’s sorta hilly.

Carly (No Business Is Too Big For Me To Run Into The Ground) Fiorina told how she could reduce big government just like she did in private business by firing everybody.

Rand (My Mother Invented Fish Sticks) Paul said “Washington is so out of step,” and that he would teach them how to “lock step”

Marco (I Don’t Have A Clue) Rubio gave a speech about the American dream and told why it only applies to Americans.  He said they sure as hell don’t call it the immigrants dream.

Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee told how the Christians of all the religions are the most persecuted people in the world.  I wonder why he didn’t show them this graphic.

Rick (All Hair, No Integrity) Perry and Bobby (Jihad) Jindal also added to the pollution covering the skies of central Iowa, but their speeches were so forgettable that I have already forgotten what they said.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Just Another Day in Paradox

Today is National Pig in a Blanket Day around the country.  Here in Texas we have a pig in the State Capitol but he sure as hell isn’t anything to celebrate.

Speaking of Texas Lt. Governor Dan (I Used To Be A Sports Nut And Then A Religious Nut, But Now I’m Just A WingNut) Patrick told folks this week that he was tired of Governor Gregg (Hell On Wheels) Abbott and Speaker of the House Joe (I Don’t Have A Clue) Straus picking on him.  Little Danny said he was thinking about taking his ball and going home except that he didn’t have a ball, so he might just hold his breathe until he turned blue.  

Faux News in house psychopathic nut-job psychiatrist Dr. Keith (I’m Not Really a Doctor, I Just Play One On TV) Ablowhard says that if  Obama were more like the patron saint of the Republican Party, Ronald (I Was A Bad Actor and Worse President) Reagan, that Americans wouldn’t be joining ISIS.  Oh, more like this guy.

According to the latest statistics, about 150 Americans have traveled to Syria to join ISIS, which means approximately 359,999.850 million people have not traveled to Syria to join ISIS.

 Kansas is finding out the hard way what happens when you have a TeaNut Republican in the driver’s seat.  You will end up driven straight into bankruptcy. Governor Sam (I Have A Trickle Down I.Q.) Brownback’s radical economic experiment is a monumental failure. So far six school districts are closing early because of no money and the state’s budget is facing a $600 million dollar short fall. I think Dan's economic adviser was Bernie Madoff.

Lousiana TaNut Republican Governor Bobby (Jihad) Jindal told the New York Times that he is really, really, really, really against same sex marriage. Have you ever noticed that the homophobes who shout the loudest are usually the ones deepest in the closet?

Former Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry said he has been hitting the books.  Ole Oops said that if he decides to throw his Stetson into the ring that this time he will be prepared.  He explained that he didn’t realize that if you run for President you had to know things. I see his point. After all, this bonehead was Governor for 14 years and didn’t know diddly squat about anything. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.