Hump Day News

In health care news, Hillary (I’m With Me) Clinton has Walking Pneumonia and Donald (Little DICK-tator) Trump has a version of Mad Cow disease.  It’s called Bullshititis.  One is treatable and the other is incurable.

This week at a Trump rally a Trump supporter imbecile deplorable punched a 69 year old woman in the face and she fell on her oxygen tank and injured her ribs.  When asked why he hit the woman, he said, “Well I could tell she was pretty old, but when I saw she was on oxygen, I knew I could take her.”

On Dancing With The Stars Some People You Might Have Heard Of this week, former Texas Governor Rick (Two Right Feet) Perry said he didn’t do well because he was attempting a dance that was a little more involved than the “Texas Two Step”, but he couldn’t remember the third step.  Ricky Poo said he would do better next week because he was planning to veto the judge’s scores.

Also on the show, two anti-Ryan (My Favorite Is The Breast Stroke) Lochte demonstrators rushed the stage and was subdued by security people without incident.  After the show, Olympic swimmer Lying Ryan told reporters that he and his partner were robbed and beaten at gun point and feared for their lives. When asked if he was over exaggerating, he said maybe a little because he was too drunk to remember everything.





Stay tuned for future adventures.

Mid-Week Blah Blahs

Tomorrow is National Emma M. Nutt Day which celebrates the first woman telephone operator in America.  She started her job on September 1^st in 1878.  Emma is not to be confused with Imma Nut who is the first Trump supporter imbecile in America. 

Former Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Integrity) Perry who has tap-danced his way through 30 years of public service has agreed to go on Dancing With The Stars People You Might Have Heard Of.  I don’t expect Ricky Poo to last very long as he is afflicted as all Right-Wing Republicans with two Right feet. 

I understand Donald (Little DICK-tator) Trump is on his way to Mexico.  He says he is going down to pick up a check from the President of Mexico for his wall. Trump said he is then going to fly over to Narnia to talk with their lion king.

Sarah (Part-Time Governor, Full-Time Moron) Palin fell down and hit her head. She seems to be okay as her doctor said after examining her, she was “perfectly stupid as ever.”

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Stay tuned for future adventures.

Musings On A Monday

This is the doctor who wrote Donald (Little DICK-tator) Trump’s letter of health.  The good doctor said that Little Dick-Donnie was healthy as a horse.  He also said he was dumb as jackass, stubborn as mule, contemptible as a cockroach, slow as a turtle, repulsive as a rat, flighty as a wasp, sneaky as a snake and villainous as vulture.  I’m pretty sure the good Doctor Do-Very-Little got his medical degree from Trump University. 

There is a rumor going around that former Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Integrity) Perry is going to run against Texas Senaterrible Ted ( Sleazy & Creepy) Cruz in the next election for the Senate. People are already saying this is a case of the lesser of two evils, but I have to say I disagree.  Creepy Cruz is evil, no doubt about that, but Hair-Do Perry is simply inept.

Disgraced former Congressmoron Anthony (Here is a picture of my) Weiner is at it again. It seems he has been sexting with a woman who claims to be a Trump supporter imbecile. His wife Huma (What The Hell Kind Of Name Is That) Abedin is filing for divorce. Huma who works as an aide to Hillary Clinton, said sexting was one thing, but with a Trump supporter imbecile was unforgivable.  

Here is piece that my sweetie wrote three years ago and it is most appropriate today. Check it out. 



Stay tuned for future adventures.

You Know What Day It Is

I see why Snarly Carly (I Can Run Any Company Into The Ground) Fiorina is the new darling of the TeaNut Republicans. While CEO of Hewlett-Packard, Snarly spied on board members, did illegal business with Iran, laid off 30,000 employess, bribed officials in Russia to do business there and last week on national TV and blatantly lied about a watching a video that doesn’t exist.

Mrs. Pinocchio’s relationship with the truth is like a second cousin twice removed.  I understand this is Snarly’s new campaign song.

After hearing Dr. Ben (Nutjob Neurosurgeon) Carson's anti-Muslim statements it is quite obvious that he is the first brain surgeon in history who doesn’t have a brain.

Scott (I’m No Longer A Runner, But A) Walker is joining Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry in a Timothy Leary moment of “Tune in, Turn on, Drop out.” Little Scotty told his three supporters, “Today, I believe that I am being called to lead by helping to clear the field in this race so that a positive, conservative message can rise to the top of the field.” I’m not sure about the called part; I think the real reason is that no one was calling period.

I just noticed that Family Dollar stores are having their Red Tag Clearance sale, so if you needs some red tags, that’s where to go.

 

The CEO of Volkswagen Martin (What Pollution?) Winterkorn had this to say this week about the scandal involving Volkswagen decision to equip 11 million cars with devices to cheat emission testing.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday's Flakes

Here is a real Okie-Dopey from Muskogee.  The Save Yourself Survival and Tactical Gear gun store had put up a sign saying Muslims weren’t welcome and had received death threats so some concerned citizens boneheads arrived to guard the place. Everything was going fine until Quick Draw McGraw turned into Butterfingers Billy who dropped his gun and shot himself.  

U.S. District Judge Rudolph (My I.Q. And My Gun Are Both 45) Randa sentenced a man who was charged with 55 counts of buying firearms with fake I.Ds and then selling them without a license to probation…No Jail Time.  "People kill people," he said, "Guns don't kill people”. I am so tired of this extremely asinine statement. I am pretty sure the idiot who came up with “Just say No” is also the author of this oversimplified bit of stupidity. People kill people in all kinds of ways, but they use guns far more than any thing else.

A controversial drug to treat low sexual desire in women won approval from U.S. health regulators on Tuesday.  I understand Bill (Are You Sleepy Yet) Cosby has pre-ordered several bottles.  Also the Association of Alcohol manufactures were planning on suing, saying that was their job.

This is filed under one more reason why I hate religion. 

Evangelical End Times pastor Jonathan (I Love To Hear Myself Talk Even When I Utter Extremely Stupid Things) Shuttlesworth spewed this piece of shit out of the pulpit last Sunday.  He said Robin Williams committed suicide because he didn’t have Jesus living in his heart. It is quite obvious that Pastor Pinhead doesn’t have a brain living in his head.

Texas Attorney General Ken ( I Fought The Law And The Law Won) Paxton recently said he was overwhelmed with all of the support he had received since being indicted on felony securities fraud.  According to Juanita Jean, he has gotten seven emails of support so far.  According to my sources, three are from Nigeria, two are selling Viagra, one from a Russian princess wanting to marry him and one from Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry saying maybe they could be Pen Pals.

This is filed under “This takes the cake.”

The Duggar family of the Nineteen Kids and Counting show on TLC that was recently dropped after it was revealed that their son Josh (I’m A Touchy Feely Kind Of Guy) Duggar admitted to molesting 4 of his sisters and one unlucky neighbor has come up with a plan to get back on TV.  They are pitching doing a show to give advice on sexual abuse.  I understand they would be showing a lot of home videos.

And for the Icing on the cake:

Little Joshy Poo has just admitted to being addicted to pornography and being unfaithful to his wife.  Seems Josh was a subscriber to the Ashley Madison website which caters to married folks who want to have sex with folks they are not married to.

Rumors are all over the internet about a giant asteroid hitting earth sometime in September.  I understand the cost of asteroid protection insurance has sky rocketed. 




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Politicans, Preachers And Pimps

Actually there are no pimps, I just like that title.

Donald (Hair-Brained) Rump detailed his two-step plan on immigration over the week end.  Step One: Stop em’ Step Two: Throw out the ones here including the ones born here. He didn’t seem to have any idea how to do any of this other than his incredibly stupid undo-able wall.  I understand Trump also has big plans for the Statue of Liberty.

The Don went on to say that he would win the Latino vote. Of course the polls show that the only Latino vote he would get is a Mexican man in south Florida marked the wrong box on his ballot. He finished up by saying that he really enjoyed coming to Iowa and was thinking about buying it.

Former Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry, said last week, “I'm in it to win it.”  Seeing how little Ricky Poo's campaign is out of money and he is polling at 1%, I am pretty sure he was talking about the office pool on who would be the first candidate to drop out of the race. 

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That selective amnesia has kicked in for the Republicans again.  They just can’t quit talking about Hillary’s emails, but seem to have totally forgotten about when it was revealed that the Bush administration lost 5 million emails in 2007.  Not only can the Republicans not come up with a single solution for any problems for the future, they can’t seem to remember yesterday.  

Pastor Phillip (Two-Gun) Guin is the pastor of the Rocky Mount Methodist Church in Jemison, Alabama.  The pistol packing Pastor decided that he loved guns as much as Jesus so he turned the church into a combination shooting range and church. Pistol Phil said it is right there in the scriptures in Ignoramous 3:16  to shoot first and ask questions later. 

Pastor Ben (Hell Fire & Damnation)Bailey of the Central church of Christ in McMinnville, Tennessee said in his sermon spew of hate this week that a liberal society was to blame for all the problems in the world today.   He blamed them for banning the stoning of LGBT people, whom he said were deserving of punishment.  He said that they wanted "things like women preaching, women leading in service, where homosexuals and gay marriage were accepted openly."  Let’s see, do you think this asshole votes Republican? I’m pretty sure he has a Confederate flag in his yard.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Much Ado About Nothing

The much anticipated first Republican debate was last night and it was quite a dud.  There were no fist-fights, cussing or name calling and no one threw anyone out of the ring and hit them over the head with a folding chair. It was BORING.

Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump started things off by leaving the door open to run as a third party candidate with the Whig Party.  He then followed up by insulting Rosie O’Donnell.  I didn’t even know she was running for President.

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In the minor league debate last night, South Carolina Seneterrible Lindsey ( I Need A Mint Julep For This) Graham had this to say about Mrs. Clinton, “She’s not going to repeal Obamacare and replace it. She’s not going to build the Keystone pipeline. She’s not going to change Dodd-Frank.”  Hey I couldn’t have said it better.

Rick (I Need To Be In A) Santorum said, “I have a track record of getting things done.”

Off hand he couldn’t think of any of those things at the time but he was sure he had done something.

Carly (I Can Run Any Company Into The Ground) Fiorina spit out these little gems, “We have to stop President Obama’s disrespect and disregard for so many Americans.”  This from the bonehead who laid off 30,000 people at HP.

Former Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry said that jobs in Texas grew by 1.5 million during his tenure.  Actually the only thing that grew was Ricky Poo’s nose as he was dropping this bullshit around the stage.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday All Over Again

Evidently Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee and Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry have been watching Donald (Hair-Brained) Rump rise to the top of the Republican polls by making incredibly stupid statements and have decided they can be just as stupid.

Little Mikey jumped into the fray by comparing the President to Hitler with his “leading the Israelis to the ovens” statement and Ricky Pooh by saying that everyone in the movie theater should have a gun. I would say both of those statements would be deemed Trump worthy.

Honorable Mention goes to Loseranna Governor Booby (Jihad) Jindal for saying that the shooting in the theater in his state proves that we need to spend more money on mental health care.  I guess little Booby forgot that he cut 34 million dollars from mental health care in his budget two years ago.  

I just came across an interesting article talking about how all of the blowhards on Faux News right after George Warmonger Bush had brought the economy to an all time low by letting the Wall Street banks run amok began to tell everyone they needed to put their money in gold.

Well it seems that a whole lot of the boneheads who had a lot more money than common sense did just that and gold climbed to an all time high of $1900 an ounce. Of course as we all know, nothing stays the same and gold is now down about $900 dollars an ounce, but here is the real problem. Gold is different than investing in other things. Gold is a physical thing and has to be stored and storage cost a lot of money. So not only have they lost a lot of money on their investment, but they have to pay a ton of money to store it
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All of this reminded me of post I wrote a few years ago so I thought I would re-post it just for grins.

The Golden Rule

You know the one, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”   I truly believe if we all followed this simple rule the world would be a much better place.  Unfortunately the golden rule that seems to be used in today’s world is “He who has the gold, rules.”

Speaking of gold, gold’s value is a cultural phenomenon.  Mostly it is deemed valuable because it is RARE.  Well, that got me thinking.  Uh oh, here we go again with me thinking.

Here are some other things that are very rare in this world.

• Anyone in Washington who has any common sense.

• Corporations who have a clue to who their employs are.

• Radio stations that plays more than twenty songs over and over.

• Talk radio host who actually know what they are talking about.

• Politicians who tell the truth.

• Celebrities who have actually done something creative.

• A Wall Street banker who has a conscience.

• Me getting up before noon.

 Why do they give you a gold watch when you retire?  Once you’re retired, why would you care what time it is?  They should give it to you when they hire you so you can get to work on time





Stay tuned for future adventures.  

The Hits Just Keep Coming

South Carolina State Represenitive TeaNut Republican Michael (I Really Am The) Pitts did his best last week to keep the legislators from voting to remove the Confederate flag.  Little Mikey introduced 25 amendments to the bill in an effort to shut down the system. Of course all he accomplished was to waste a lot people’s time.  I wonder how much this bonehead could have accomplished if he had spent that time and energy writing bills and amendments that could actually be positive for his fellow South Carolinians.   

The most arrogant statement of last week goes to Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush.  This asshole who has never hit a lick a snake as far I as I can tell and has an estimated wealth of between 19 and 21 million dollars said that workers need to work longer. I doubt if this bonehead can spell work.

Texas Senaterrible Rafael (I Don’t Have A Clue) Cruz wants the New York Times to apologize for not putting his book, A Time For Truth, on their best seller list.  The Times said they were simply doing what his book title implied by saying that it is not a best seller when you are the one buying all of the books.  

Wisconsin Governor Scott (Street) Walker is climbing on board the Republican Presidential Hindenburg. I believe his name tag will have 116 on it.  Scott could be the second Presidential candidate to be indicted by grand jury of a crime by debate time, joining Rick (All Hair, Not Brains) Perry.  Prosecutors presented documents last week that accuse little Scotty of being the center of a criminal scheme.   

There has been quite the controversy over George Warmonger Bush taking money to give a speech to wounded war veterans. It was a fundraiser for “Helping A Hero”, a Texas based charity.  As much as I can’t stand “Warmonger”, I don’t blame him for taking the money, but the real conversation should be about who was the idiot who wanted this bonehead who started the wars they were wounded in to talk to them and who was the asshole who approved the money?

Donald ( Hair-Brained) Rump seems to have a problem with numbers. I don’t think little Donny actually went to school, I believe his daddy bought it for him, but if he did, he certainly failed math.

Recently he said that there were 34 million illegal aliens in the country.  The estimate is closer to 11 million. Then over the week-end he said that the crowd he drew in Phoenix was over 20,000.  Wrong, the arena it was held in only holds 4100 people.  And of course his biggest numerical mistake is claiming that his I.Q. is over 40. The Don went on to tell the crowd that, "we're going to take the country back." Yes back to 1950 or possibly 1850.  Someone needs to tell little Donny that backward is never the right direction. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.