Hump Day

 Here are this week's Humps

 Marco (I Have A Sugar Daddy) Rubio’s campaign to be President has finally run out of water.  Little Marco threw in the towel last night.  He said he was tired of repeating the same ole talking points over and over. 

Texas Governor Gregg (Hell-On-Wheels) Abbott is still obsessed with voter fraud in Texas.  When Greggy Poo was Attorney General of Texas he spent millions of taxpayer money investigating voter fraud and prosecuted two cases in a ten year period.  The chances of finding major voter fraud in Texas is about the same as this asshole getting up out of that chair.

Hey for all of the angry folks out there who say that the boneheads up in Washington D.C. don’t do anything, here is this. Texas Congressmoron Republican Pete (I Should Be Attending Psychiatric) Sessions has proposed a "Resolution to recognize Magic as rare and valuable". I’m pretty sure someone put a spell on little Petey when he wasn’t looking.  

There is a new TV show coming on that’s about the people who are Trump supporters.  They are a mutant strain of humans who are completely impervious to the truth or facts.  It’s called The Walking Dumb.   

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Politicians, Preachers And Pimps

In my world, politicians and preachers are both pimps.  

Quick summation of last week’s Bengotcha hearings.  Chairman Trey (I’m Just A Good For Nuthin Ole 

Southern Boy) Gowdy, TeaNut Republican from South Carolina, got his hat handed to him and boy did he need it with that incredibly stupid hair-do of his.  

Florida Senaterrible Marco (I’ve Got A Sugar Daddy) Rubio says he is quitting the Senate because it’s just too hard. That’s what happens when you buddy up with Sarah (Part-Time Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin.  I guess he thinks being President is a easier job. I understand his new campaign motto is: Vote for me. Maybe I won’t quit.

Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump said on the Today show that his dad loaned him the measly sum of one million dollars and he took it and made billions.  He conveniently forgot to say that when dear daddy died, he left Trumpy Poo and estimated 120 million dollars. In other words, Donald made his money the old fashioned way. He inherited it.

After hearing Dr. Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson mumble something stupid on TV, I am convinced that he performed a frontal lobotomy on himself while attending brain surgery school. 

   

Pastor Ben (Another PinHead In A Pulpit)Bailey of the Tennessee Gospel of  Christ Ministries ask his flock flakes how would they feel about their own parents aborting them.  I think they should have asked him how he would feel if he had a brain.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrumping All Day

Humps of the week…so far.

Dr Ben (Nut Job Surgeon) Carson is the 2015 version of Herman (Nein, Nein, Nein) Cain.  The only reason little Bennie is running for President is to promote his book, One Nation, What We Can All Do To Save America’s Future.  The title actually has a typo in it. The real title is What We Can All Do To Save America’s Furniture.  It’s a home guide on which is the best polish to use.

Remember if Dr. Carson is the answer, how stupid is the question?

Federal campaign laws state that book tours and campaign tours are to be separate, but Bennie’s campaign volunteers don’t seem to get that as they follow him everywhere on the book tour handing out campaign literature.  When the good doctor was asked about him breaking the campaign laws, he replied that Hitler took over the Jews by taking away their books so he is saving America by doing a book tour while running for President.

Marco (I’ve Got A Sugar Daddy) Rubio actually showed up to vote yesterday.  He has missed 44% of Senate votes since deciding to run for President. Marky baby had the gall to chastise his fellow Senators about not voting on bills.   This asshole ought to take a look in the mirror. Anyway the bill failed so Marky might as well have stayed on the campaign trail.

The bill that failed was introduced by Loserana Senaterrible David (I’m A Real Family Values Guy When I’m Home) Vitter.  Pro-Life Dipshit David’s former mistress told the press this week that little Davy got her pregnant and then wanted her to get an abortion. I guess Davy feels if your not family, you have no value.   

Former Senaterrible Jim (Mr. Flip Flop) Webb who was a Republican most of his career, then switched to the Democrats a few years ago is now leaving the Dems and thinking about running for President as a Independent.  G.I. Jim who defended the Confederate flag a few months back might be better off waiting for the South to rise again and then run for President of the Confederacy.

Speaking of the Confederate Flag, deputy sheriff James (My Gun And My I.Q. Are Both 38 Specials) Randolph is just beside himself that the commissioners in Green County, Tennessee voted to remove the flag from the courthouse grounds. In voicing his lone no vote, Jimmy went on a little rant saying, “they want to take down Christmas signs and trees and everything.”  I guess Deputy Jimmy must decorate his Christmas trees with Confederate Flags.    



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrumping Day

Here are the top ten contestants humps who will be participating in Faux News new political game show, "The Liar's Club" tomorrow night.   The winner gets to go on to be a be humiliated by whoever the opposition runs in the general election.  Leading the pack is Dr. Republicanstein's monster.

1. Real estate mogul Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump
2. Former Florida Gov. Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush
3. Wisconsin Gov. Scott (I Need A) Walker
4. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike ( I Need A Job)Huckabee
5. Nut-job-surgeon Dr. Ben (No, I’m Not Kin To Johnny) Carson
6. Sen. Ted (I Don’t Have A Clue)Cruz of Texas
7. Sen. Marco (I Have A Sugar Daddy) Rubio of Florida
8. Sen. Rand (My Mom Invented Fish Sticks) Paul of Kentucky
9. New Jersey Gov. Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie
10. Ohio Gov. John (My Family Doesn’t Know Me Either) Kasich

 Texas Gov. Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry, Louisiana Gov. Booby (Jihad) Jindal, Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly (I Can Run Any Business Into The Ground) Fiorina, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey (I Need A Mint Julep For This) Graham, former Virginia Gov. Jim (Who Cares) Gilmore and former New York Gov. George (All I Have Going For Me Is A Really Dumb Name) Pataki will be on the taxi squad and be available if any of the top ten are sent to the penalty box for excessive stupidity. 

 I am pretty sure Faux News won’t even have to provide a laugh track.

Donald (Hair-Brained) Rump had this to say yesterday, “I’m going to win Hispanics, and I think I’m going to win the African-American vote.”  The Don went on to say that he also thought he could cure cancer, fly to Mars and build condos, get the price of gas down to 50 cents a gallon and teach the Middle East how to love one another. 

New Jersey Governor Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie said in an interview yesterday, “I’m a Catholic but I’ve used birth control.”  I am stunned. This bonehead has a sex life. You have got to be kidding.

A new big game hunter has made the scene. Sabrina ( I Just Feel The Need To Kill Something) Corgatelli has posted a picture on facebook of the giraffe she killed and how good it made her feel.  She also said, “Giraffes are very dangerous animals,” and that’s why she will never buy anything from Toys R Us.  I believe little Sabrina deserves more than some really vile comments on her facebook page.      

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Bubbles From My Soapbox

The Republican Party is out in Arizona this week having their annual spring meeting cleaning.  Their conundrum is trying to figure out how to par down the number of boneheads eligible for the primary debates because it is likely they will have between 20 to 150 candidates running for President.

One way would be to have a TV show similar to The Bachelor or DWTS and eliminate somebody every week until you get down to one.  The perfect show would be to have them on “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” but probably none of them could survive that one.

They could also just draw straws because in the end, I really doubt if it matters who winds up holding the bag.

Here is the line up as it stands now.

Officially signed up:

Edwardo Teddy (Pick Me, Pick Me) Cruz

Mike (I Need A Job) Huckster

Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson

Marco (I Need A Drink Of Water) Rubio

Rand )My Mother Invented Fish Sticks) Paul

Carly (Your Fired) Fiorina

  

Waiting Stage Far Right to throw hat into ring:

Lindsey (I Need A Mint Julep) Graham

Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry

Rick ( I Need To Be In A) Santorum

Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neal) Bush

Chris (I'll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie

Bobby (Jihad) Jindal

Donald (Massive Ego, Minimal  Intelligence) Trump

Scott (Street) Walker

There are four more who have expressed interest in running making a fool of themselves on the public stage but their names are so low in recognition that even I can’t come up with a snappy name to give them.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Morning Quarterback

Iowa had an old fashion religious tent revival this week end and they broke the hands off the National Bull Shit gauge.  

Thousands hundreds of conservatives converged on Waukee, Iowa to attend the Faith and Freedom Coalition’s 15^th annual let’s mix politics and religion to hear Eduardo (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz to talk about science. He said the earth is not totally flat, it’s sorta hilly.

Carly (No Business Is Too Big For Me To Run Into The Ground) Fiorina told how she could reduce big government just like she did in private business by firing everybody.

Rand (My Mother Invented Fish Sticks) Paul said “Washington is so out of step,” and that he would teach them how to “lock step”

Marco (I Don’t Have A Clue) Rubio gave a speech about the American dream and told why it only applies to Americans.  He said they sure as hell don’t call it the immigrants dream.

Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee told how the Christians of all the religions are the most persecuted people in the world.  I wonder why he didn’t show them this graphic.

Rick (All Hair, No Integrity) Perry and Bobby (Jihad) Jindal also added to the pollution covering the skies of central Iowa, but their speeches were so forgettable that I have already forgotten what they said.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Wednesday Quickies

Florida Republican Senaterrible Marco ( I’m Stupid in Two Languages) Rubio had this to say about climate change over the weekend. “And I do not believe the laws (scientists) propose we pass will do anything about it, except it will destroy our economy,”   In other words, the only experts to rely on are financial advisors not actual scientists when it comes to what’s good for mankind. Marco went on to say that he didn’t believe humans had anything to do with climate change.  Oh yeah, well who do you think invented the thermostat you dumbass?

 

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta has put out a warning that a extremely infectious virus is out of control.  It’s called Benghaziitus, but the good news is that it only seems to attack Republicans.  The experts say it should run its course by 2016.

 

John (Civil War Veteran)  McCain spent the last few days reminding everyone that he really wanted to be President.   McCain said that if he were the American president, he would already be doing several things to respond to the kidnapping of the over 200 girls by a Nigerian terrorist group. But since he is not the President, he will just show up on every TV show that will have him and complain about everything in the country except Sarah (Half-Ass Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin.

Stay tuned for future adventures.