If It's Not One Hump, It's Another

I see where the Oaf Creepers, a quasi military group made up of old overweight boneheads who think they are in the Really Special Forces, are not coming to protect Kim (Homophobic Hick) Davis after all.  I understand the leader’s mom wouldn’t let them borrow her van for the trip.

Former preacher, musician, Governor and talk show blowhard Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee went on the TV this past week and wanted to know if the Syrian refugees were coming to America just for cable television.  I am stunned at this. You mean to tell me Syria doesn’t have cable TV.

The second Republican debate debacle will be on the TV tonight.  I believe it’s on the wrestling channel. There should be a lot of fighting outside the ring with people hitting each of other over the head with folding chairs and lots of body slams. I understand Trumpy Pooh is going to wear a Richard Nixon mask so nobody will know him and of course Dr. Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson will be wearing his surgical mask.

Snarly Carly (I Can Run Any Company Into The Ground) Fiorina has moved up from the kids table to participate in the shenanigans.  After The Don’s “look at her face” remark, she said she will be wearing a bag over her head.  

Former Florida Governor Jeb (At Least I'm Not Neil) Bush will be dressed as a pinata. 

Texas Senaterrible Rafael (I Don't Have A Clue) Cruz, Rick (I Need To Be In A) Santorum and Scott (I Need A) Walker are coming as the Three Stooges. In other words they will be dressed as usual.

 

Former Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry won’t be making the big event fiasco tonight.  He didn’t have enough money in his campaign account for bus fare.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrumping Day

Here are the top ten contestants humps who will be participating in Faux News new political game show, "The Liar's Club" tomorrow night.   The winner gets to go on to be a be humiliated by whoever the opposition runs in the general election.  Leading the pack is Dr. Republicanstein's monster.

1. Real estate mogul Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump
2. Former Florida Gov. Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush
3. Wisconsin Gov. Scott (I Need A) Walker
4. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike ( I Need A Job)Huckabee
5. Nut-job-surgeon Dr. Ben (No, I’m Not Kin To Johnny) Carson
6. Sen. Ted (I Don’t Have A Clue)Cruz of Texas
7. Sen. Marco (I Have A Sugar Daddy) Rubio of Florida
8. Sen. Rand (My Mom Invented Fish Sticks) Paul of Kentucky
9. New Jersey Gov. Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie
10. Ohio Gov. John (My Family Doesn’t Know Me Either) Kasich

 Texas Gov. Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry, Louisiana Gov. Booby (Jihad) Jindal, Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly (I Can Run Any Business Into The Ground) Fiorina, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey (I Need A Mint Julep For This) Graham, former Virginia Gov. Jim (Who Cares) Gilmore and former New York Gov. George (All I Have Going For Me Is A Really Dumb Name) Pataki will be on the taxi squad and be available if any of the top ten are sent to the penalty box for excessive stupidity. 

 I am pretty sure Faux News won’t even have to provide a laugh track.

Donald (Hair-Brained) Rump had this to say yesterday, “I’m going to win Hispanics, and I think I’m going to win the African-American vote.”  The Don went on to say that he also thought he could cure cancer, fly to Mars and build condos, get the price of gas down to 50 cents a gallon and teach the Middle East how to love one another. 

New Jersey Governor Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie said in an interview yesterday, “I’m a Catholic but I’ve used birth control.”  I am stunned. This bonehead has a sex life. You have got to be kidding.

A new big game hunter has made the scene. Sabrina ( I Just Feel The Need To Kill Something) Corgatelli has posted a picture on facebook of the giraffe she killed and how good it made her feel.  She also said, “Giraffes are very dangerous animals,” and that’s why she will never buy anything from Toys R Us.  I believe little Sabrina deserves more than some really vile comments on her facebook page.      

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Hump Day Of Hump Days

Oh boy, today’s the day that Jade Helm starts. That’s the military exercise that is taking place outside of Bastrop, Texas. You know the one where the Army is going to lock everybody up in the Wal-Mart stores and take away everybody’s guns.  But have no fear, Operation “Counter Jade Helm” or CJH as the locals like to refer to it, is a group of volunteers who are going to be keeping a watch on everything to make sure none of this happens.

The CJH, dumb name by the way, I don’t know why they didn’t call it the Boneheads of Bastrop, anyway, it was started by these three goobers, by Pete ( Paranoid) Lanteri, William (Terrified) Silaghi and John (Unhinged) Spartan. Wow, Lanteri, Silaghi, and Spartan. Now those are three classic Texas names. They claim to have ten thousand volunteers who are going to be driving around in an attempt to document what’s happening.  I figure when you add the army into the mix of ten thousand rubber-neckers, the only problem will be a large number of accidents.

Here is the real part I don’t understand about the CJH. What exactly are they going to do if the Army starts rounding people up? The military has soldiers, guns, tanks, helicopters and airplanes. The only things these bonehead CJH volunteers have are low I.Q.s.

Wisconsin Governor Scott (Kochhead) Walker came out of the gate swinging. Yes sir, he said his first day in office he would repeal Obamacare and terminate the deal with Iran….that is provided he is not in prison. 

It looks like Donald (Hair-Brained) Rump finally pissed off the wrong Mexican.  Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman the drug kingpin who just escaped from prison tweeted The Don and told him he was going come to America and shut him up just as soon as he got his green card.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

The Hits Just Keep Coming

South Carolina State Represenitive TeaNut Republican Michael (I Really Am The) Pitts did his best last week to keep the legislators from voting to remove the Confederate flag.  Little Mikey introduced 25 amendments to the bill in an effort to shut down the system. Of course all he accomplished was to waste a lot people’s time.  I wonder how much this bonehead could have accomplished if he had spent that time and energy writing bills and amendments that could actually be positive for his fellow South Carolinians.   

The most arrogant statement of last week goes to Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush.  This asshole who has never hit a lick a snake as far I as I can tell and has an estimated wealth of between 19 and 21 million dollars said that workers need to work longer. I doubt if this bonehead can spell work.

Texas Senaterrible Rafael (I Don’t Have A Clue) Cruz wants the New York Times to apologize for not putting his book, A Time For Truth, on their best seller list.  The Times said they were simply doing what his book title implied by saying that it is not a best seller when you are the one buying all of the books.  

Wisconsin Governor Scott (Street) Walker is climbing on board the Republican Presidential Hindenburg. I believe his name tag will have 116 on it.  Scott could be the second Presidential candidate to be indicted by grand jury of a crime by debate time, joining Rick (All Hair, Not Brains) Perry.  Prosecutors presented documents last week that accuse little Scotty of being the center of a criminal scheme.   

There has been quite the controversy over George Warmonger Bush taking money to give a speech to wounded war veterans. It was a fundraiser for “Helping A Hero”, a Texas based charity.  As much as I can’t stand “Warmonger”, I don’t blame him for taking the money, but the real conversation should be about who was the idiot who wanted this bonehead who started the wars they were wounded in to talk to them and who was the asshole who approved the money?

Donald ( Hair-Brained) Rump seems to have a problem with numbers. I don’t think little Donny actually went to school, I believe his daddy bought it for him, but if he did, he certainly failed math.

Recently he said that there were 34 million illegal aliens in the country.  The estimate is closer to 11 million. Then over the week-end he said that the crowd he drew in Phoenix was over 20,000.  Wrong, the arena it was held in only holds 4100 people.  And of course his biggest numerical mistake is claiming that his I.Q. is over 40. The Don went on to tell the crowd that, "we're going to take the country back." Yes back to 1950 or possibly 1850.  Someone needs to tell little Donny that backward is never the right direction. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

There Is Good News After All

News Flash:

The religious wackos are NOT having a gay ole time today and the Republicans are saying that the Supreme Court upholding Obamacare made them sick, but now the Republicans do have a new campaign slogan thanks to that ruling.  It is “If you would like to see six and half million people to lose their health care, vote for a Republican for President”

Loseranna Governor Booby (Jihad) Jindal has officially become the 113^th or 114^th Republican candidate for President. Little Booby who has a 31% approval rating in his own state thinks he should be President.  Booby likes to call himself a small government politician, which actually means that very few people in Government know who he is. I understand his campaign slogan will be “Vote for me, I’m the only governor from Louisiana who hasn’t gone to prison.”

New Jersey Governor Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie whose approval ratings are down to 30% and Wisconsin Governor Scott (Street) Walker whose approval ratings are down to 41%  are expected creep into the race next week. Evidently these three boneheads who have done a lousy job running their state would now like to do a lousy job running the whole country.

Really, really, really rich blowhard and egomaniac Donald ( Huge Ego, Tiny Brain) Trump said yesterday that Univision’s deciding not to run The Miss Universe Pageant because of the racist comments he made at his Presidential announcement made his hair stand on end. The Don went on to say that he loved Mexicans and thought everybody ought to have one.

Little Donny also said  he has some really big plans for the country as soon as he is elected President King.  To let the rest of the world know what is happening, he is going to change America to Trumpland.  We will no longer be called the United States Of America, or USA as we like to chant, but will known as Nimcompoops Under Trump’s Sanctions or as the rest of the world will refer to us, NUTS.  

He says his many years of being a slumlord has given him the experience of how to deal with poor people so he will have no problem dealing with the rest of the world. He said he would begin negotiating with ISIS just as soon as learns how to spell it.  

My prediction is that now little Donny has actually filed papers to run for President, his lawyers will find something in the fine print which will let him drop out of the race before they start checking his financials.  

Sarah (Half-Ass Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin’s daughter Bristol (Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places) Palin is once again proving just how badly she failed abstinence only sex education class. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Flakes Of Friday

I have to admit, I just can’t make up my mind about Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush.  Is he really that stupid or does he think the American voter is that stupid?   With all of the TeaNut Republicans making complete fools of them selves trying to answer the question of knowing what we know today, should we have started a war with Iraq.  Texas Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert went in a different direction and blamed President Obama.  Huh…. Here is the question I would like to propose…..To Louie’s mother.  Knowing what we know today, would you still chose to not have an abortion.

I saw an article online where a number of people commented that they couldn’t understand why the liberal media hadn’t given the names of the nine people killed at the shoot out at the biker bar in Waco last week.  So my large research staff got to work and found out who they were.

Tattoo Bob

Knuckles

Pontytail Paul

Bad Breath Benny

Missing Tooth Mitch

Born to be Willey

Hardly Harley (He rode a Suzuiki)

Handlebar Monte

Three Fingers Jackson

It’s official. We can now add “wife beater” to Bill (America’s Bully) O’Rielly’s resume.  I wonder how Bill and the blowhards at Faux News are going to spin this one. 

 TeaNut Republican Presidential hopeful Mike (I Need A Job) Huckster told an audience in Iowa this week that he wasn’t worried about people with guns that didn’t have any training” because “a good guy armed is still better than a good guy unarmed.”  I can certainly see where it is better for the gun manufactures and gosh, you never hear of anyone being accidentally shot.  Who needs training.

The Southern Republican Leadership Conference was held in Oklahoma City this week and featured eleven of the possible 150 Republican candidates running for President.   The last time there were this many clowns on one stage was at the Bozo memorial service. The candidate who seemed to impress the audience the most was Wisconsin Governor Scott (Street) Walker. Of course these were Oklahomans whose motto is: Oklahoma, We Are Okie Dopey.  

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Bubbles From My Soapbox

The Republican Party is out in Arizona this week having their annual spring meeting cleaning.  Their conundrum is trying to figure out how to par down the number of boneheads eligible for the primary debates because it is likely they will have between 20 to 150 candidates running for President.

One way would be to have a TV show similar to The Bachelor or DWTS and eliminate somebody every week until you get down to one.  The perfect show would be to have them on “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” but probably none of them could survive that one.

They could also just draw straws because in the end, I really doubt if it matters who winds up holding the bag.

Here is the line up as it stands now.

Officially signed up:

Edwardo Teddy (Pick Me, Pick Me) Cruz

Mike (I Need A Job) Huckster

Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson

Marco (I Need A Drink Of Water) Rubio

Rand )My Mother Invented Fish Sticks) Paul

Carly (Your Fired) Fiorina

  

Waiting Stage Far Right to throw hat into ring:

Lindsey (I Need A Mint Julep) Graham

Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry

Rick ( I Need To Be In A) Santorum

Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neal) Bush

Chris (I'll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie

Bobby (Jihad) Jindal

Donald (Massive Ego, Minimal  Intelligence) Trump

Scott (Street) Walker

There are four more who have expressed interest in running making a fool of themselves on the public stage but their names are so low in recognition that even I can’t come up with a snappy name to give them.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

If It's Not One Thing, It's Another

Former Congressmoron Michele (I Really Am Dumber Than Sarah) Bachman keeps saying extremely stupid things so she can keep her name in the public eye. This week she went on the radio and blamed Obama for the end of the world coming. I don’t get it. I thought the evangelicals were all for the rapture so why isn’t she thanking Obama instead of blaming him. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. Personally I’ll be glad as hell when the rapture comes and we will be rid of all of these boneheads.

The fine folks in Parma, Missouri have figured out a way to rid their city council and police department of racist assholes.. They voted in a black woman for mayor and the city’s attorney, the clerk, waste water treatment plant manager and five out of the six members of the police department resigned. Way to go Parma.

Well I guess Texas Senaterrible Rafael (Rhymes with Fidel) Edwardo Cruz is not the Koch brothers favorite step-son after all. Looks like Wisconsin Governor Scott (Street) Walker is has been anointed the number one Koch-Head.  He certainly fits into their anti-government, anti-women, anti-union, anti-immigration, anti-same sex marriage, anti-education view of the world.   

Little Scotty hasn’t officially thrown his hat in the ring yet and there is still the chance that he may not. Back in 2006, Scott told everyone that God told him not to challenge Jim Doyle for governor.  I understand Scotty is hanging by the phone waiting for his orders.

Robert (At Least I’m Not Norman) Bates, the old rich guy who bought his way into being a reserve deputy on the Tulsa, Oklahoma police dept so he could shoot unarmed black people for practice, plead not guilty yesterday and immediately left for a vacation in the Bahamas. It’s a good thing ole Robert didn’t have to go before Judge Judy because she would have made him vacation in Harlem. Remember their state motto: Oklahoma is Okie Dopey.

If you were wondering what happened to former Air Force veteran Michelle (Let Me Wrap Myself in the American Flag) Manhart who was detained by police in Valdosta, Ga for wrestling a American flag away from some student protesters this week. It seems she just wanted to take it home and wear it.  

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Flakes

Wisconsin Governor Scott (I Need A) Walker who acts like he wants to be President had this to say about foreign policy this week. "The best president in my lifetime when it comes to foreign affairs was a guy who was governor of California”. He was speaking about this guy of course.

I guess Scott thinks that we shouldn’t negotiate with Iran, we should SELL them weapons

Poor little Senterrible of Kentucky, Rand (My Mother Invented Fish Sticks) Paul is having another hissy fit because those gun nuts over at the NRA (Nutty Rabid Assholes) didn’t invite him to their little get together this weekend.  Word is that he doesn’t have near big enough gun. Personally I think he is mad because he won’t get to hang out with this guy.

Possible TeaNut Republican candidate for President and nutjobsurgeon Dr. Ben (I Prefer to Be Called Kit) Carson thinks that “selfies” are bringing down America.  Yes sir, that’s the kind of stuff you want the President of the United States dealing with. I'm telling ya, this guy is out to make Herman (999) Cain look like a genius. 

. 
Arkansas Senterrible Tehran Tom (My Brain Is Made Of) Cotton said that we should bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities. He went on to say that it wouldn’t take but a few days to do the job and wouldn’t be anything like Iraq. Well he is right about one thing; it wouldn’t be anything like Iraq.  It would be at least ten times worse.  What a complete bonehead.

Remember. If you love war. Vote Republican.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrrump Day

We’ve made it through Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday and now we are at Worried Wednesday as in What the hell was I thinking.  Tuesday you were adding up the hundreds of dollars that you saved on your shopping spree and today you are adding up the thousands of dollars you would still have if you had just stayed home over the weekend and unplugged your computer on Monday.

But hey it’s the reason for the season. To really show someone how much you love them, you need to give really expensive gifts or at least gifts you can’t afford. It's right there in the Good Book. I’m talking about the retailers manual of course.  The absolute best way to show your love is to use a taser gun on someone to get that big screen TV you wanted and have the video run on national TV.

Wisconsin Governor Republican Scott ( Gimmie, Gimmie, Gimmie)  Walker has jumped into the season of giving with both feet.  Ole Scotty asked that his constituents stay home on Black Friday and instead give him money for his reelection. Those snotty nosed kids don’t need more toys; they need a Governor they can play with.

Speaking of kids and Governors, Maine Republican Governor Paul (Mr. Bounderby of Dickens Fame) LePage wants to loosen up the child labor laws.  He thinks 12 year olds should be in the work place. I had no idea there was a shortage of labor in the Maine sweatshops.

If your are in need of a good laugh, I suggest you read some of the reviews on Amazon of Sarah (Half-Assed Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin’s latest ghostwritten book, Good Tidings and Great Joy. 




Stay tuned for future adventures.