Somethings That Went Through My Mind And Came Out My Computer

A few things that happen during last night’s Republican Debate debacle.  

Texas Senaterrible Rafael (I Don’t Have A Clue) Cruz played the “Chicken Little” card and ran around the stage yelling, “They’re going to take away our guns, they’re going to take away our guns.” 

Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump told Cruz to shut up and go back home to Canada where he belongs.  When Rafael said that he was a natural born citizen, Donnie said there was nothing natural about him. The Don also said after listening to Cruz, he was thinking about building a wall between the U.S. and Canada.

The stupidest quote of the night came from New Jersey Governor Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie when he said that President Obama was going to get blown out of office in November.  Evidently Cissy Poo thinks Obama is running for a third term.

Former preacher, musician, Governor and talk show blow-hard, Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee said that we should treat poor people the same way we train dogs.  I’m sure he found that in The Bible somewhere. Probably in Ignoramus 3:16 where it says," take care of the poor until they shit in the floor."  

Senaterrible Lindsey (I Need Another Mint Julep) Graham came out today and endorsed Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush for President.  Lindsay also said he thought the Houston Texans would win the Super Bowl. 



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Blah Blahs

Talk radio host Kevin ((I Have A Lower I.Q. Than Pat Robertson) Swanson hosted a little gossip session in Iowa this past weekend known as the National Religious Liberties Conference. Kev is also the pastor of The First Church of the Stupid. Their members believe that Eve shouldn’t taken that bite out of the tree of knowledge.  Little Kev is the poster boy for all misogynistic, homophobic assholes everywhere.  He thinks gay people should be stoned to death and that God wrecks havoc with floods and disease on nations that don’t follow his commandments.  

So with credentials like that Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee, Rafael ( I Don’t Have A Clue) Cruz and Booby (Jihad) Jindal couldn’t wait to get up there to lick his boots and say really stupid things.  They all agreed that Kim (Homophobic Hick) Davis was a real American and that if they became President, Jesus would be their Vice-President.
 

The latest Republican polls still show Carson and Trump leading, but there is some good news in there.  “None of the Above” has now moved up to number 4.  I don’t think there is a chance in hell of Dr. Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson being the Republican nominee, but I do think there is a medical procedure that could extend his run a little bit longer.  He could have his jaw wired shut.

Michele (Section Eight) Bachmann traveled over to Israel to try and convince those folks that Jesus had booked his flight and was heading back so they needed to convert to Christianity. And here in the good ole USA,  Christians are just beside themselves because Starbucks have taken the snowflakes and reindeer off of their Christmas cups and now they are just plain red.  They claim it is more of the "War on Christmas." I am at a loss to explain why having a plan red cup is an assault on Christmas. Maybe they think when Jesus decides to come back, he will be riding Rudolf.    I have said it before but it is worth repeating.  I will be so glad when the rapture gets here and these assholes will be gone.

Between denying climate change, the right for gays to marry, the economic recovery and the decline in unemployment, I think the GOP (Group of Panders) should now be referred to as the GOD (Group of Deniers).  After all it fits their image so well. 



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Day Of The Humps

 Here are some really big ones. 

In the race to be the state with the dumbest citizens and elected officials, it looks like Tennessee is pulling ahead. The Lt. Governor of Tennessee Ron (Certified Gun Nut And Undisputed Moron) Ramsey encouraged all of the fine Christians in his state to get a handgun.  Obviously he doesn’t trust atheist, Hindus, Buddhist or any other religions to have guns and as we all know because the NRA (Nefarious Rabid Assholes) tells us so, that more guns, the safer we are. Of course the real problem with that statement is that America has more guns than any country in the world and we have more mass shootings than any other country in the world.

Clark ( Homophobic Moron) Plunk, city Commissioner in Lakeland Tennessee went on his Facebook page and told the gay kid who wasn’t allowed to bring a male friend from another school to his prom and was thinking about suing the school,    “As a whole, gays are mean, cruel spiteful people with an axe to grind, so let the little homo sue.”  Just another example of an elected official serving all of his constituents, as long as their not gay.

Former preacher, musician, Governor and talk show blowhard Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee went on the TV and said “the mass shootings have nothing to do with guns.” Well Mikey, since the mass SHOOTINGS were not by bow and arrow,  I would say they are all about GUNS. You would think by now somebody in the Huckster’s family would have him back on his meds.

 Not to be outdone in the incredibly stupid department, Dr. Ben (Nut Job Surgeon) Carson said he would be “much more comfortable” to know that there were more guns in school.  I would be much more comfortable if this bonehead would go back to practicing brain surgery on himself.  Ben the Bonehead would probably like this bunch to hang at his kids school.

I am still stunned that the TeaNut Republicans haven’t jump on my idea about guns and schools.  I have said this before, but I’ll say it again.  Combine schools and prisons and you have teachers, students and armed guards all in the same building and the bad guys are locked up.

Snarly Carly (I Can Run Any Company into the Ground) Fiorina is certainly living up to her reputation.  Four years after her failed Senate campaign she still owed almost a half-million dollars to 30 different groups.  One of her main political strategist died right before the election and she didn’t pay his widow the $30,000 that she owed until this year.  She did pay herself back over a million dollars immediately after the campaign. Yeah that Snarly, she knows how to take care of business. Remember if you want a lying sack of shit for President: Vote for Snarly.

This page is in the new Texas text books.  According to this, there were no slaves, just migrant workers.

The publisher McGraw-Hill has published a apology for it, but I haven’t heard a word from the assholes on the Texas Board of Education who approved it.

We did go see “The Martian” Monday and it was a great movie.  One of the best I’ve seen lately. I have to admit I was a little upset that they didn’t mention Bill Bixby or Ray Walston, but I got over it.






Stay tuned for future adventures.

If It's Not One Hump, It's Another

I see where the Oaf Creepers, a quasi military group made up of old overweight boneheads who think they are in the Really Special Forces, are not coming to protect Kim (Homophobic Hick) Davis after all.  I understand the leader’s mom wouldn’t let them borrow her van for the trip.

Former preacher, musician, Governor and talk show blowhard Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee went on the TV this past week and wanted to know if the Syrian refugees were coming to America just for cable television.  I am stunned at this. You mean to tell me Syria doesn’t have cable TV.

The second Republican debate debacle will be on the TV tonight.  I believe it’s on the wrestling channel. There should be a lot of fighting outside the ring with people hitting each of other over the head with folding chairs and lots of body slams. I understand Trumpy Pooh is going to wear a Richard Nixon mask so nobody will know him and of course Dr. Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson will be wearing his surgical mask.

Snarly Carly (I Can Run Any Company Into The Ground) Fiorina has moved up from the kids table to participate in the shenanigans.  After The Don’s “look at her face” remark, she said she will be wearing a bag over her head.  

Former Florida Governor Jeb (At Least I'm Not Neil) Bush will be dressed as a pinata. 

Texas Senaterrible Rafael (I Don't Have A Clue) Cruz, Rick (I Need To Be In A) Santorum and Scott (I Need A) Walker are coming as the Three Stooges. In other words they will be dressed as usual.

 

Former Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry won’t be making the big event fiasco tonight.  He didn’t have enough money in his campaign account for bus fare.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Humps For A Hump Day

Former preacher, musician, Governor and talk show blowhard Mike ( I Need A Job) Huckabee and Texas Senaterrible Rafael (I Don’t Have A Clue) Cruz were going to give last rites rights to Kim (Homophobic Hick) Davis, but the Judge beat them to it and let her go home. As you can see Kimmy's number four dressed up for the occasion.

 Little Kimmy said she was going to go dig out her Bible out and see if she could find some other excuse for not doing her job.  Little Mikey said if Kim violated the conditions of her release, that he would go to jail in her place.  I'm not a religious person, but I would get down on my knees for that one.

Speaking of Cruz and Huckabee, I wonder why either one of these boneheads have not said anything about the flight stewardess for Express Air who was suspended.  She is Muslim and said her religion forbade her from serving alcohol.  Wrong religion I guess.  I am just waiting for the fun to begin when a county clerk somewhere refuses to issue a hunting license because they are vegan. 

Sarah (Half-Ass Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin said on the TV this week that she would be a good Secretary of Energy for Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump.  She said that spoke American and could type at least 30 words every so often.  She also reminded him that she was not one of those feminist secretaries who wouldn’t get him his morning coffee and that she certainly had the energy to do the job…at least for half a term. 

Since the far right religious wacko TeaNuts took over the Republican Party, their platform has become fairly simple.

Health Care….Pray you don’t get sick.
Gun Issues…Pray you don’t get shot.
Employment…Pray that they don’t send your job overseas.
Economy…Pray that Wall Street doesn’t screw the country again.

I am pretty sure that the Governor of Nebraska Pete (Hang ‘em High) Ricketts wants to be the next famous serial killer.  Early this year the Nebraska legislature voted to abolish the death penalty, but that didn’t go well with ole Put-em-to-Sleep Pete so he vetoed it and vowed to kill as many prisoners on death row that he could before the law takes effect.  He has since spent two hundred thousand dollars out of his own pocket to put the death penalty on the next election ballot.  Now that is someone with the real need to kill.

It seems not everyone was sad to see Aunt Rose passing.

I am pretty sure these Presleyterians think that Elvis is coming back. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

T.G.I.F These Goobers Invite Farce

Rowan County Clerk Kim (Homophobic Hick) Davis was found in contempt of court for refusing to issue marriage license to same-sex couples and ordered to jail.  Little Kimmy is a born again Christian, but evidently didn’t get a brain this time around. 

Tom (Great Quarterback, Incredible Asshole ) Brady said he is thrilled to be starting next week against the Steelers and promised that his balls would be fully inflated just like his ego.

Dr. Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson is quietly sneaking up on Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump in the political polls, probably because he is wearing his scrubs and booties on his shoes so you can’t hear him.  I believe the main thing TeaNut Republican voters like about him is that he has even less experience in politics than Trump. The closest this bonehead ever came to politics is when he was voted “most likely to say something stupid in public” his senior year in high school.

Speaking of the polls, Trump is still polling at 23% which means that at least 23% of Republicans are racist.  Personally I think that number is a little low.

Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush hit back at Trump yesterday saying, “Am not. Oh yeah, well it takes one to know one” and “I’m going to tell my daddy.”

Former preacher, musician, Governor and talk show blowhard Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee said this week if he were elected President King, he would abort abortions with an executive order.  Little Mikey believes the unborn have constitutional rights just like real people.

I would suggest that the huckster ought to go back and read that book where he gets all of his twisted facts and note that in Genesis it says life comes with the first breath.  A fetus doesn’t breathe you dumbass. A baby takes its first breath when it comes out of the womb.

I have noticed that only 28 states have teams in the NFL which means there are a lot of states and cities that are not being represented and therefore there a number of great team names that are not being used. Here is what I would recommend to the folks running the league.

Albuquerque Turkeys
Boise TaterTots
Omaha Brouhahas
Casper Ghosts
Eugene Queens
Ames Flames
Tulsa Muscle
Louisville Sluggers
Little Rock Rollers
Butte Buttheads
Hattiesburg Borg
Burlington Coats
Bangor Gongs

Concord Super Jets
Honolulu Hooligans
Fargo cargo
Nome Gnomes
Las Vegas Show Offs
Roanoke Slow Pokes
Wheeling Dealing

Dover Dwarfs

Mobile Phones

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Musing, Pondering, Wondering

Before people get too carried away with Donald (Hair-Brained) Rump’s polling numbers, it might be a good idea to take a look back at some of the boneheads who were leading in the polls at the same time at the last election. 

Remember Rudy (9/11) Giuliani, Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry  Herman (Nein, Nein, Nein) Cain and  Fred (Law & Order) Thompson.  Oh yeah, almost wannabes Newt (NitWit) Gingrich and Michael (I’m Even Dumber Than Palin) Bachmann.  Some of these goobers were pulling even bigger numbers than The Don.

One of the boneheads who call themselves Oath Keepers said, “We take an oath to the Constitution.” What they really ought to do is READ the Constitution, but then of course they would have to know how to read.

Tom (My Balls Always Have Air) Brady and Roger (I Prefer King, But Will Answer to Commissioner) Goodell were in court this week scrimmaging over Tom’s  4 game suspension.  I propose a compromise. Let little Tommy play his four games, but with this football.  

There is an ad popping up on facebook of former preacher, musician, Governor and talk show blow hard Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee hawking the CD “Learn Our History, One Nation Under God.” Since I decided to pass on this amazing offer and haven’t listened to it, I am only speculating here, but I am willing to bet it doesn’t tell that the Pledge of Allegiance was written by Francis Bellamy, who was a socialist, in 1892 some 116 years after the founding fathers had left the building and that the phrase “One nation under God” wasn’t added until 1954. 
    

As I mentioned earlier this year, the Texas State Board of Education has approved new text books to be used in the new school year coming up that are controversial in a number of different areas.  Not only did they take the KKK and Jim Crow laws out completely but they indicate that The Last Supper was held at Chick-fil-A. I will pass along more of the new stuff as it becomes available from my sources.  

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Summer This And Summer That

Never one to pass up a chance to say something dumb or incoherent, former preacher, musician, Governor and talk show blowhard, Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee threw this out last week during the Republican debate in an exchange with New Jersey Governor Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie about changing the retirement age and social security.

 Little Mikey said, “because the money paid in consumption is paid by everybody, including illegals, prostitutes, pimps, drug dealers, all the people that are freeloading off the system now.” To be honest I really don’t have a clue what that statement means, but I did notice that he left out politicians and preachers, both of which I include in freeloading off the system.  In fact between politicians, preachers and pimps, the only one that actually provides a service is a pimp.

Here’s what I don’t understand.  Before cell phones, did people write letters or read books while they were driving?

I understand that ISIS is going to sue Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump for hogging the news networks airtime.  A spokesman for ISIS said that a number of their violent videos have been shelved because of Trump’s rants.   He said that under the articles of the Geneva Convention, that all terrorist would be granted equal air time. He also noted that ISIS is registered as a International terrorist group and Trump was only considered a domestic terrorist blowhard, so ISIS should get top billing

  

With many years of experience and wisdom under your belt at age 85, a tattoo is gentle reminder of how dumb you were at 20.

Here are a couple of Christian hypocrites making the news.  Michigan Republican state Rep. Todd (Inter) Courser, who is married and the father of 4 and Republican state Rep. Cindy (Voted Most Likely In School) Gamrat who is married and the mother of 3, have been ranting about how the same sex rulings by the boys in black robes is running traditional marriage.  They were so upset they proposed a bill requiring all marriage certificates in the state to be signed by a religious leader, essentially making it impossible for municipal or judicial officials to wed gays. 

Well it seems their version of traditional marriage includes having an affair which they have been gleefully carrying on for some time now. Both have been asked to resign and get a room.    

Stay tuned for future adventures.