Politicans, Preachers And Pimps

Once again I don’t have anything about pimps in this, I just like the way the title rolls off the tongue.  Sorta like a combination department store and car lot as in Bed, Bath and Buicks.  Also I really believe that pimps actually provide a service as where politicians and preachers sure as hell don’t.  Of course I know that some would say that preachers are pimps for Jesus, but pimping for a fictional character doesn’t count in my books.

Dr. Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson who finally opened his eyes long enough to see that there was no light at the end of the tunnel for Presidential campagin has decided to endorse Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump for President.  Ole sleepy head Carson said there were two Trumps.  Oh goody, he thinks we should have Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for President.

Evidently the four remaining candidates running for President were replaced last night at the final Republican debate debacle by pod people.   There were no fist fights, mud wrestling, gun fights, name calling or any really embarrassing actions by any of them. 

Florida Pastor Carl (High On God, Low On I.Q.) Gallup has endorsed Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump and Trump was thrilled about it.  The good pastor also believes that the Sandy Hook massacre of children was a giant government hoax.  Carl says nobody was killed; it was just a Obama trick to take away guns.  

Franklin (Daddy Was A Little Off, I’m A Complete Idiot) Graham is pushing for America to become a Theocracy.  I guess little Frankie thinks Iran is a great role model.

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Stay tuned for future adventures.

Day One

What we learned in 2015.

• Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump is just a rich David (KKK) Duke.

• Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush is NOT the smarter one.

• The Christian Right is mostly wrong.

• Minorities are now the majority.

• Texas Governor Gregg (Hell On Wheels) Abbott is not a stand up guy.

• Texas Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert really is as dumb as he looks.

• Ken (I Fought The Law And The Law Won) Paxton was elected to be the Attorney General of Texas and turned out to be the Attorney Criminal of Texas.

• Texas Senaterrible Rafael (I Don’t Have A Clue) Cruz is the creepiest politician since Richard (I’m Really A Dick) Nixon.

• Dr. Ben ( I Can’t Keep My Eyes Open) Carson has a dual personality. Brain-Surgeon/Moron.

• Dr. Huxtable is a rapist.

• The Confederate Flag controversy proved that when southerners said “the south will rise again,’ they weren’t talking about I.Q. levels.

• Same Sex Marriage is highly upsetting to a lot of Same-ole-sex marriages.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

T.G.I.F These Goobers Invite Farce

Rowan County Clerk Kim (Homophobic Hick) Davis was found in contempt of court for refusing to issue marriage license to same-sex couples and ordered to jail.  Little Kimmy is a born again Christian, but evidently didn’t get a brain this time around. 

Tom (Great Quarterback, Incredible Asshole ) Brady said he is thrilled to be starting next week against the Steelers and promised that his balls would be fully inflated just like his ego.

Dr. Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson is quietly sneaking up on Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump in the political polls, probably because he is wearing his scrubs and booties on his shoes so you can’t hear him.  I believe the main thing TeaNut Republican voters like about him is that he has even less experience in politics than Trump. The closest this bonehead ever came to politics is when he was voted “most likely to say something stupid in public” his senior year in high school.

Speaking of the polls, Trump is still polling at 23% which means that at least 23% of Republicans are racist.  Personally I think that number is a little low.

Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush hit back at Trump yesterday saying, “Am not. Oh yeah, well it takes one to know one” and “I’m going to tell my daddy.”

Former preacher, musician, Governor and talk show blowhard Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee said this week if he were elected President King, he would abort abortions with an executive order.  Little Mikey believes the unborn have constitutional rights just like real people.

I would suggest that the huckster ought to go back and read that book where he gets all of his twisted facts and note that in Genesis it says life comes with the first breath.  A fetus doesn’t breathe you dumbass. A baby takes its first breath when it comes out of the womb.

I have noticed that only 28 states have teams in the NFL which means there are a lot of states and cities that are not being represented and therefore there a number of great team names that are not being used. Here is what I would recommend to the folks running the league.

Albuquerque Turkeys
Boise TaterTots
Omaha Brouhahas
Casper Ghosts
Eugene Queens
Ames Flames
Tulsa Muscle
Louisville Sluggers
Little Rock Rollers
Butte Buttheads
Hattiesburg Borg
Burlington Coats
Bangor Gongs

Concord Super Jets
Honolulu Hooligans
Fargo cargo
Nome Gnomes
Las Vegas Show Offs
Roanoke Slow Pokes
Wheeling Dealing

Dover Dwarfs

Mobile Phones

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrumping Day

Here are the top ten contestants humps who will be participating in Faux News new political game show, "The Liar's Club" tomorrow night.   The winner gets to go on to be a be humiliated by whoever the opposition runs in the general election.  Leading the pack is Dr. Republicanstein's monster.

1. Real estate mogul Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump
2. Former Florida Gov. Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush
3. Wisconsin Gov. Scott (I Need A) Walker
4. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike ( I Need A Job)Huckabee
5. Nut-job-surgeon Dr. Ben (No, I’m Not Kin To Johnny) Carson
6. Sen. Ted (I Don’t Have A Clue)Cruz of Texas
7. Sen. Marco (I Have A Sugar Daddy) Rubio of Florida
8. Sen. Rand (My Mom Invented Fish Sticks) Paul of Kentucky
9. New Jersey Gov. Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie
10. Ohio Gov. John (My Family Doesn’t Know Me Either) Kasich

 Texas Gov. Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry, Louisiana Gov. Booby (Jihad) Jindal, Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly (I Can Run Any Business Into The Ground) Fiorina, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey (I Need A Mint Julep For This) Graham, former Virginia Gov. Jim (Who Cares) Gilmore and former New York Gov. George (All I Have Going For Me Is A Really Dumb Name) Pataki will be on the taxi squad and be available if any of the top ten are sent to the penalty box for excessive stupidity. 

 I am pretty sure Faux News won’t even have to provide a laugh track.

Donald (Hair-Brained) Rump had this to say yesterday, “I’m going to win Hispanics, and I think I’m going to win the African-American vote.”  The Don went on to say that he also thought he could cure cancer, fly to Mars and build condos, get the price of gas down to 50 cents a gallon and teach the Middle East how to love one another. 

New Jersey Governor Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie said in an interview yesterday, “I’m a Catholic but I’ve used birth control.”  I am stunned. This bonehead has a sex life. You have got to be kidding.

A new big game hunter has made the scene. Sabrina ( I Just Feel The Need To Kill Something) Corgatelli has posted a picture on facebook of the giraffe she killed and how good it made her feel.  She also said, “Giraffes are very dangerous animals,” and that’s why she will never buy anything from Toys R Us.  I believe little Sabrina deserves more than some really vile comments on her facebook page.      

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Humps: It's Their Day

The number one hump of the week is Texas State Represenitive John (I May Be Dumber Than Gohmert) Zerwas.  Little Johnny boy wrote the bill that would cut education benefits for Texas veterans.  The bill came to the floor the day before Memorial Day.

Little Johnny who never served in the military, but I understand he had a G.I. Joe as a kid and played war with his friends, said that we just can’t afford to give these veterans any more benefits. I mean after all what have they done for us lately? 

Thank goodness, there were a few folks in the legislature that have a tiny bit of common sense and pulled the bill. I’m pretty sure ole Johnny will try it again on the 4^th of July.

So let me get this straight.  According to Former GuvnorBlowhard Mike (I Need A Job) Huckster, President Obama and Michelle are bad parents because they let their daughters listen to Beyonce, but Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are good Christian parents even though their son Josh molested their daughters.  And this asshole thinks he should be President.

The thing that pisses me off the most about this whole sorry episode is that it is all about Josh.  I haven’t heard Little Mikey or anyone else in the family say one thing about the daughters. Not one word. Did they get any counseling or therapy of any kind?  They sure don’t seem to have a say in any of this, but hey, this is the Christian way where women are considered second class citizens.

Just to show you that they really grow them dumb in Arkansas,  Senaterrible Bart (If You Think Huckabee Is An Asshole, Check Me Out) Hester wants the police chief fired  who released the police report on Josh (I’m A Touchy, Feely Kind Of Guy) Duggar’s abuse of his underage sisters. He said it was against the law to release the names of minors in sexual abuse cases.  The problem with that stupid statement is that none of the names were released and none of them were minors when it was released.

I just came across this website http://www.ontheissues.org/TX/Louie_Gohmert.htm and it tells all about Congrssmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert.  One of the categories was entitled “Louie Gohmert on Drugs” but it doesn’t say which ones he is on.  I always knew from the incredibly stupid things he says that drugs were in the mix somewhere.  Also Louie says he is all for extending the Patriot Act.  He said the suspension of Tom Brady proves that it is working.  

Dr. Ben (I Haven’t Got A Clue) Carson won the straw vote at the Southern Leadership Conference in Oklahoma last week guaranteeing that he will never be President.  Oklahoma:  Is Okie Dopey.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Bubbles From My Soapbox

The Republican Party is out in Arizona this week having their annual spring meeting cleaning.  Their conundrum is trying to figure out how to par down the number of boneheads eligible for the primary debates because it is likely they will have between 20 to 150 candidates running for President.

One way would be to have a TV show similar to The Bachelor or DWTS and eliminate somebody every week until you get down to one.  The perfect show would be to have them on “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” but probably none of them could survive that one.

They could also just draw straws because in the end, I really doubt if it matters who winds up holding the bag.

Here is the line up as it stands now.

Officially signed up:

Edwardo Teddy (Pick Me, Pick Me) Cruz

Mike (I Need A Job) Huckster

Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson

Marco (I Need A Drink Of Water) Rubio

Rand )My Mother Invented Fish Sticks) Paul

Carly (Your Fired) Fiorina

  

Waiting Stage Far Right to throw hat into ring:

Lindsey (I Need A Mint Julep) Graham

Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry

Rick ( I Need To Be In A) Santorum

Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neal) Bush

Chris (I'll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie

Bobby (Jihad) Jindal

Donald (Massive Ego, Minimal  Intelligence) Trump

Scott (Street) Walker

There are four more who have expressed interest in running making a fool of themselves on the public stage but their names are so low in recognition that even I can’t come up with a snappy name to give them.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

I'm Just Sayin'

Here is the latest weather outlook for the country.  A Bullshit blizzard is beginning in Washington D.C.  CPAC (Creepy Pathetic Assholes Conference) is underway. I predict we will inundated for the next couple of days with incredibly stupid speeches and I guarantee not one solution or original idea will be brought forth.  

A new survey shows that 49% of Republicans don’t believe in evolution.  I think that number is a little bit low.  I would say at least 80% of the Republicans I have met haven’t evolved and if you are talking about the scripture spewing, gun toting, homophobic TeaNut Republicans, that number goes up to around 97%. I have met rocks that were more evolved than TeaNuts.

I saw where some goober said that TeaNut’s weren’t racist because one of their leading spokesmen was Dr. Ben (I Play A Doctor On Faux News) Carson.  I’m still laughing. I’m pretty sure closest ole Bennie has come to being a doctor is playing Hasbro’s Operation game. So far his biggest accomplishment is making Herman (Nein,Nein,Nein) Cain look like a genius.

Texas State Republican Represenitive Donna (I Have the I.Q. Of A Turnip) Campbell has written a bill to keep foreign countries from buying the Alamo. No not Alamo Car Rental, THE ALAMO.  It seems The Alamo has been included in the United Nations list of World Heritage Sites, which is as I understand it, a very prestigious list.  Double Dumb Donna doesn’t trust the United Nations and had this to say, “I can tell you anything that starts with the ‘UN’ gives me cause for concern,”  I guess un’s at the end are ok, like say Kim Jong un.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Another Flakey Friday

Iowa’s Congressmoron Steve ( I Never Met An Immigrant I Liked) King, the GOP’s (Gang of Prevaricators) biggest critic of immigration reform is hosting his Freedom Summit this weekend.  I am not sure why he calls it the Freedom Summit since there will be no free thinking allowed.

Here is a partial lineup of the boneheads attending this fiasco, Chris (I Don’t Burn Bridges, I Just Close Them) Christie, Ted (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz, Rick ( I Need To Be In A) Santorum, Mike (I Have God’s Vote) Huckabee and Ben (Oreo Cookie) Carson.  I am pretty sure none of these goobers ever had an original thought in there lives.

Speaking of Iowa, new Senaterrible Joni (I Really Am Not) Ernst who instead of delivering a rebuttal to President Obama’s State of the Union Address simply blathered on about how poor her family was during Ronald (Bad Actor, Worse President) Reagan’s time in office. I guess little Ronnie’s trickle down economics didn’t trickle down to Iowa.

Congressomoron Louie ( I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert is facing ethics complaint of using his PAC money for a trip to England to make political speeches. Since Loony Louie is a member of the Penthouse of Representatives and not a member of the House of Lords in England, that is a no-no.  Louie said he thought since we won the Revolutionary War that England was under American rules.

Here is the list of 48 Republican Senaterribles that voted to say climate change is not man made.
Barrasso, John (R – WY)
Blunt, Roy (R – MO)
Boozman, John (R – AR)
Burr, Richard (R – NC)
Capito, Shelley Moore (R – WV)
Cassidy, Bill (R – LA)
Coats, Daniel (R – IN)
Cochran, Thad (R – MS)
Corker, Bob (R – TN)
Cornyn, John (R – TX)
Cotton, Tom (R – AR)
Crapo, Mike (R – ID)
Cruz, Ted (R – TX)
Daines, Steve (R – MT)
Enzi, Michael B. (R – WY)
Ernst, Joni (R – IA)
Fischer, Deb (R – NE)
Flake, Jeff (R – AZ)
Gardner, Cory (R – CO)
Grassley, Chuck (R – IA)
Hatch, Orrin G. (R – UT)
Heller, Dean (R – NV)
Hoeven, John (R – ND)
Inhofe, James M. (R – OK)
Isakson, Johnny (R – GA)
Johnson, Ron (R – WI)
Lankford, James (R – OK)
Lee, Mike (R – UT)
McCain, John (R – AZ)
McConnell, Mitch (R – KY)
Moran, Jerry (R – KS)
Murkowski, Lisa (R – AK)
Paul, Rand (R – KY)
Perdue, David (R – GA)
Portman, Rob (R – OH)
Risch, James E. (R – ID)
Roberts, Pat (R – KS)
Rounds, Mike (R – SD)
Rubio, Marco (R – FL)
Sasse, Ben (R – NE)
Scott, Tim (R – SC)
Sessions, Jeff (R – AL)
Shelby, Richard C. (R – AL)
Sullivan, Daniel (R – AK)
Thune, John (R – SD)
Tillis, Thom (R – NC)
Toomey, Patrick J. (R – PA)
Vitter, David (R – LA)
Wicker, Roger F. (R – MS)

I really don’t understand why these boneheads think that man can’t change the climate.  Don’t they know who invented the thermostat?

Stay tuned for future adventures.