Harrumping Day

Here are the top ten contestants humps who will be participating in Faux News new political game show, "The Liar's Club" tomorrow night.   The winner gets to go on to be a be humiliated by whoever the opposition runs in the general election.  Leading the pack is Dr. Republicanstein's monster.

1. Real estate mogul Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump
2. Former Florida Gov. Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush
3. Wisconsin Gov. Scott (I Need A) Walker
4. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike ( I Need A Job)Huckabee
5. Nut-job-surgeon Dr. Ben (No, I’m Not Kin To Johnny) Carson
6. Sen. Ted (I Don’t Have A Clue)Cruz of Texas
7. Sen. Marco (I Have A Sugar Daddy) Rubio of Florida
8. Sen. Rand (My Mom Invented Fish Sticks) Paul of Kentucky
9. New Jersey Gov. Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie
10. Ohio Gov. John (My Family Doesn’t Know Me Either) Kasich

 Texas Gov. Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry, Louisiana Gov. Booby (Jihad) Jindal, Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly (I Can Run Any Business Into The Ground) Fiorina, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey (I Need A Mint Julep For This) Graham, former Virginia Gov. Jim (Who Cares) Gilmore and former New York Gov. George (All I Have Going For Me Is A Really Dumb Name) Pataki will be on the taxi squad and be available if any of the top ten are sent to the penalty box for excessive stupidity. 

 I am pretty sure Faux News won’t even have to provide a laugh track.

Donald (Hair-Brained) Rump had this to say yesterday, “I’m going to win Hispanics, and I think I’m going to win the African-American vote.”  The Don went on to say that he also thought he could cure cancer, fly to Mars and build condos, get the price of gas down to 50 cents a gallon and teach the Middle East how to love one another. 

New Jersey Governor Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie said in an interview yesterday, “I’m a Catholic but I’ve used birth control.”  I am stunned. This bonehead has a sex life. You have got to be kidding.

A new big game hunter has made the scene. Sabrina ( I Just Feel The Need To Kill Something) Corgatelli has posted a picture on facebook of the giraffe she killed and how good it made her feel.  She also said, “Giraffes are very dangerous animals,” and that’s why she will never buy anything from Toys R Us.  I believe little Sabrina deserves more than some really vile comments on her facebook page.      

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Bubbles From My Soapbox

The Republican Party is out in Arizona this week having their annual spring meeting cleaning.  Their conundrum is trying to figure out how to par down the number of boneheads eligible for the primary debates because it is likely they will have between 20 to 150 candidates running for President.

One way would be to have a TV show similar to The Bachelor or DWTS and eliminate somebody every week until you get down to one.  The perfect show would be to have them on “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” but probably none of them could survive that one.

They could also just draw straws because in the end, I really doubt if it matters who winds up holding the bag.

Here is the line up as it stands now.

Officially signed up:

Edwardo Teddy (Pick Me, Pick Me) Cruz

Mike (I Need A Job) Huckster

Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson

Marco (I Need A Drink Of Water) Rubio

Rand )My Mother Invented Fish Sticks) Paul

Carly (Your Fired) Fiorina

  

Waiting Stage Far Right to throw hat into ring:

Lindsey (I Need A Mint Julep) Graham

Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry

Rick ( I Need To Be In A) Santorum

Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neal) Bush

Chris (I'll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie

Bobby (Jihad) Jindal

Donald (Massive Ego, Minimal  Intelligence) Trump

Scott (Street) Walker

There are four more who have expressed interest in running making a fool of themselves on the public stage but their names are so low in recognition that even I can’t come up with a snappy name to give them.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Morning Quarterback

Iowa had an old fashion religious tent revival this week end and they broke the hands off the National Bull Shit gauge.  

Thousands hundreds of conservatives converged on Waukee, Iowa to attend the Faith and Freedom Coalition’s 15^th annual let’s mix politics and religion to hear Eduardo (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz to talk about science. He said the earth is not totally flat, it’s sorta hilly.

Carly (No Business Is Too Big For Me To Run Into The Ground) Fiorina told how she could reduce big government just like she did in private business by firing everybody.

Rand (My Mother Invented Fish Sticks) Paul said “Washington is so out of step,” and that he would teach them how to “lock step”

Marco (I Don’t Have A Clue) Rubio gave a speech about the American dream and told why it only applies to Americans.  He said they sure as hell don’t call it the immigrants dream.

Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee told how the Christians of all the religions are the most persecuted people in the world.  I wonder why he didn’t show them this graphic.

Rick (All Hair, No Integrity) Perry and Bobby (Jihad) Jindal also added to the pollution covering the skies of central Iowa, but their speeches were so forgettable that I have already forgotten what they said.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

2016

Wow, Hillary (I’ll Be Married To The First Gentleman) Clinton announced that she is running for President.  Man, I didn’t see that one coming.

Texas Seneterrible Ted (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz was very upset about Hillary’s announcement. Little Teddy was beside himself for, “her complete and abject failure to mention Jesus. Hillary Clinton sent a very clear message today: she does not intend to bring Jesus with her to Washington,” I understand Jesus had no comment on the matter.

Kentucky Seneterrible Rand (I Have Two First Names) Paul also announced he was running for President.  I thought his announcement was pretty much in tone with his attitude toward the media.

Perennial Presidential loser Rick (I Really Need To Be In A) Santorum told Iowans last week that he found the key to winning his party’s nomination.  He said he has given up his quest to look like Mr. Rogers and burned all of his sweaters. Ricky Poo also said he had formed a testing the waters committee and if could get Jesus to teach him how to walk on water, he would throw his halo into the ring for President once again.   
Little Ricky was also straight forward about his love for fetuses.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Flakes

Wisconsin Governor Scott (I Need A) Walker who acts like he wants to be President had this to say about foreign policy this week. "The best president in my lifetime when it comes to foreign affairs was a guy who was governor of California”. He was speaking about this guy of course.

I guess Scott thinks that we shouldn’t negotiate with Iran, we should SELL them weapons

Poor little Senterrible of Kentucky, Rand (My Mother Invented Fish Sticks) Paul is having another hissy fit because those gun nuts over at the NRA (Nutty Rabid Assholes) didn’t invite him to their little get together this weekend.  Word is that he doesn’t have near big enough gun. Personally I think he is mad because he won’t get to hang out with this guy.

Possible TeaNut Republican candidate for President and nutjobsurgeon Dr. Ben (I Prefer to Be Called Kit) Carson thinks that “selfies” are bringing down America.  Yes sir, that’s the kind of stuff you want the President of the United States dealing with. I'm telling ya, this guy is out to make Herman (999) Cain look like a genius. 

. 
Arkansas Senterrible Tehran Tom (My Brain Is Made Of) Cotton said that we should bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities. He went on to say that it wouldn’t take but a few days to do the job and wouldn’t be anything like Iraq. Well he is right about one thing; it wouldn’t be anything like Iraq.  It would be at least ten times worse.  What a complete bonehead.

Remember. If you love war. Vote Republican.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrump Day

This year’s Super Bowl featured 59 minutes and thirty seconds worth of good professional football and thirty seconds of professional wrestling.  It seems if the Seattle Seahawks were suppose to let the New England Patriots win, they could have done in a less dramatic way. If the Patriots have any class at all, they will send Pete Carroll a giant thank you note.   

Another responsible gun owner ends up in the hospital.  A three year old in New Mexico who found mom’s gun in her purse, shot mom in the shoulder and dad in the butt.  When questioned, the three year old said she gave them fair warning. She had told them three times she was tired of oatmeal in the morning.

Speaking of guns as folks here in the Lone Star state often do, newly elected Texas State Representative Republican Dan (Thanks To Everyone For Not Voting) Flynn has written a bill that will let teachers use deadly force on anyone including shooting students.  For you pansies who thought those nuns were mean using their rulers on your knuckles, be thankful you didn’t go to school in Texas.  

Kentucky Senaterrilbe Rand (My First Name is Ann) Paul has jumped into the vaccinations fray. Rand said that vaccinations should be voluntary and then went on utter this crap. “The state doesn’t own your children. Parents own their children,” Really….Where did you purchase your children Rand? The Kids-R-Us store. And this bonehead wants to be President.  

Alabama Congressmoron Mo (You Probably Know My Brothers, Curly, Larry and Shimp) Brooks has obviously teamed up with Texas Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert. Mo is sure that those terror babies sneaking across our borders that Looney Louie is always ranting about are to blame for the measles outbreak.  Mo went on to say that he wouldn’t be surprised to find that they are also to blame for “restless leg syndrome.”

I am pretty sure there is one TeaNut Republican who doesn’t care about the vaccinations controversy and that is North Carolina Senaterrible Thom (Germs Don’t Bother Me) Tillis. Ole Tommy thinks that restaurant employees shouldn’t have to wash their hands after going to the bathroom. As far as he’s concerned, that is just another useless government regulation. He said employers should only hire people who don’t pee on themselves. 

Texas Senaterrible Ted (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz has admitted that he tried marijuana as a teenager. He also said that he did inhale but that he never exhaled which explains why he is brain-dead today.





Stay tuned for future adventures.

The Opposing Party

The Republicans say they are the “Alternative Party”. I agree, they are absolutely the alternative to anything of common sense or what is good for the majority of the country.

Here are some examples of the Republican Alternative Party. 

• New York Congressmoron Michael ( Make My Day Punk) Grimm tells a reporter that he will throw him off the balcony for asking a question he didn’t like.  He could have said no comment, but instead chose an alternative response.
• Georgia Congressmoron Jack ( Scrooge) Kingston says the free school lunch program which provides food for poor students should be dropped.   He said, “Poor kids should only have two options to get a school lunch. Either they should be bullied out of whatever change they may have in their pockets, or they should be forced to work for their meals as their classmates watch.” According to Kingston, this will teach kids that there is “no such thing as a free lunch.” A Savannah television station reported that taxpayers have provided $4,182 worth of free business meals to Kingston and his staff over the last three years alone.  I guess only Congressmorons get free lunches.
• Phil (Macho Man)Wilheit, Jr., who is the co-chairman of.Ole Jack the Scrooge’s Senate campaign told the people of Atlanta to quit whining about the snow storm that struck this week and “man up.”  I can see why Jack chose Phil to be his number one ass kisser.
• Texas Congressmoron Steve( I Don’t Have a Clue) Stockman gets up and walks out of the State of the Union speech.  He could have chosen to be respectful, but he too chooses an alternative response.
• Texas Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am as Dumb as I Look)Gohmert wears his Santa Claus tie to the event to show his distain for President Obama. In fairness to Looney Louie, it’s the only tie he has.
• Kentucky Senaterrible Rand (I’ll Say Anything to Get on the News) Paul proposes that we penalize low-income women who have children.  Of course Ole Randy is also against contraception and abortion. In other words, for women there is no alternative. Rand has also said that if Hillary does run for President, the Republicans should bring up Bill’s womanizing while he was in office. I understand even Republicans are scratching their heads over that one.   
• Arizona GOP has censured Senaterrible John (Revolutionary War POW) McCain for being too liberal.  This is so stupid even I don’t have a wise-ass comment.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Big Bird Day

Well are almost to that special day of year when we get together with family and friends and gather in a circle holding hands. It’s a time to have a song in our heart and be light on our feet and it’s coming up this week  I’m talking National Square Dance Day.  We can swing our partners and “Dosado” til our hearts are content. It’s "Allemande Left” and “To hell with the right,”  plus it’s great exercise and fun for the whole family.  Remember the family that square dances together, sashays together.  It is the one time in your life that you can be there and be square.

Of course there is another special day coming up this week.  It’s Black Friday.  I just learned Friday after Thanksgiving is called Black Friday because it is the biggest shopping day of the year.  Wow, I always thought it was called that because after a horrible, awkward, sit-down dinner with your extremely dysfunctional family, you'd spent the next 12 hours slamming down tequila shots and beer backs.

In 1621, the Plymouth colonists and the Wampanoag Indians shared an autumn harvest feast that is acknowledged today as one of the first Thanksgiving celebrations in the colonies.  This is so weird because my first recollection of Thanksgiving is when I was either 16 or 21, (I’m not sure) and waking up in the back seat of a Plymouth with my girl friend Wampanoag after a night of  slamming corn mash whiskey and listening to the Cleveland Indians on the radio.

I thought now would be a good time to start thinking about all those things that I am thankful for.


1.  I am not a turkey or a pig. (I always thought it was better to eat than be eaten.)

2.  I am not the Mayor of Toronto.

3.  I am not a member of any political party or religious organization.

4. I am not the coach of the Houston Texans.

5. I am not related to Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Gregg Abbott, Rick Perry or any of the Kardashians.



                    But mostly I’m thankful that I get to sleep till noon a lot. 



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Mid-Week Headlines

It is pretty obvious that Kentucky Senaterrible Rand (Why Do You Think They Invented the Copy Machine) Paul has never had an original thought as he has been caught plagiarizing someone else words for the second time.

Here are some very intelligent words from down under. Former Labor foreign minister of Australia, Bob Carr said during a recent interview how much he liked Fox News. He said,   
"I am delighted because it is a textbook experiment in how to make the Republican Party unelectable. If you are running as a candidate for the Republicans, you must do Fox News and you must pander to the table thumpers. By the time the general election comes around the candidate is too right wing to get elected. I think it is delightful.”  
As Crocodile Dundee would say, “That’s a knife.”

Litte Teddy’s Pa, Rafel (Rhymes with Fidel) Cruz is back at it again proving that the banana doesn’t fall far from the tree.  During a presentation he made to the Dean Bible Ministries he told them what he thinks of evolution.  He said, "That’s why communism and evolution go hand and hand. Evolution is one of the strongest tools of Marxism because if they can convince you that you came from a monkey, it’s much easier to convince you that God does not exist.” Rafel doesn’t seem to realize that sometimes evolution is slower in some than others.  Obviously he hasn’t made it though the monkey stage yet.

Pope Frankie the Sissy is launching a new survey on his flock asking them their opinions on same sex marriage.  Here is my prediction, if the majority says its ok; you will see a flock of marriages among Priests. 

Houston Texans football stars were out yesterday driving senior citizens to the polling booths as opposed to Attorney General Greg (I Want to Make Sure Only My Friends Can Vote) Abbott who has been doing his best to drive senior citizens away from the polls.

Pop star Justin (Just Because I Can Sing Doesn’t Mean I Have Any Brain Cells) Bieber must have looked thirsty during his concert in Sao Paulo, Brazil this week because someone hit him in the head with a water bottle. Justin stuck out his lip and walked off stage without even thanking the person who generously shared his water bottle with him.





 Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Morning Quarterback

According to the latest polls Ted (Head Kochroach) Cruz is the leader of the Republican Party. This is probably the best news the Democrats have had in years. Let’s look back at some of the early poll leaders in Republican Party over the last few years.  There was Rudy Giuliani, Michele Bachman, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Rand Paul, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, Fred Thompson, John McCain and of course Sarah Palin. Talk about a who’s who of losers.

The LAX shooter was carrying a “manifesto” associated with the antigovernment “patriot” movement.  Hmmm, sounds like he was a member of the Tea Party.  After all the Tea Party mostly consists of illiterate, gun toting, racist wrapped up in the American flag and spewing biblical crap who couldn’t spell Tea Party if you spotted them the T and A.

It appears that 60 Minutes has egg all over its face, the large 4 egg omelet kind. Last weeks interview with a man who said he was a security officer who witnessed the attack has turned out to be all lies.  According to his official report that he turned after the attack, he wasn’t even there. Even Fox News turned this guy down after he wanted money. I mean if the boneheads at Faux News turned down a chance to slam Hilary and the White House, you know this guy was pulling a Cruz. 

Mitt (I Was Wrong, 51% Didn't Vote for Me) Romney said Sunday that President Barack Obama’s "fundamental dishonesty" on the Affordable Care Act has “put in peril the whole foundation of his second term.”  Wow, I guess that puts Obama’s third term in office in real jeopardy..

I just saw a headline that said, Man pepper-sprays a woman, steals her monkey.  Is that code for something?




Stay tuned for future adventures.

A Day Off

Once again we are having a holiday for someone who doesn’t deserve ten seconds of our time, much less a day.  Good ole Chris (Where’s the Poop Deck?) Columbus who made four trips across the Atlantic and never sat foot in America has a major holiday dedicated to him.  Hey I’m all for holidays but why can’t we have them for somebody who actually did something?

I’m talking about things that meant something or changed the world, like the guy who invented the margarita or maybe who ever gave us the snuggie.  Important things like who discovered Fargo North Dakota or who came up with Honey Boo Boo.  Not some guy who couldn’t tell the North Star from the moon.  The Captain and Gilligan were better sailors than this goober. 


This comes under the heading, Football Theory of Relativity.  Gary Kubiak head coach of the Houston Texans was a back up quarterback his entire playing career and now he has a back up quarterback for his starting quarterback.  For you Houston fans, you do remember that when Peyton Manning was leaving the Colts he expressed interest in playing for the Texans but the Texans weren’t interested.  After all they had Matt Schaub.


The first nail in the coffin has been driven.  Ted (All Mouth, No Brains) Cruz is the overwhelming favorite in the Conservative Straw Poll.  Just ask Ron or Rand (Two PeaBrains in Pod) Paul or Rick (I Should be in a) Santorum. 

The big Tea Party rally in Washington over the week-end was a really big blow out.  I understand they had over 15 people show up. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.