If It's Not One Hump, It's Another

I see where the Oaf Creepers, a quasi military group made up of old overweight boneheads who think they are in the Really Special Forces, are not coming to protect Kim (Homophobic Hick) Davis after all.  I understand the leader’s mom wouldn’t let them borrow her van for the trip.

Former preacher, musician, Governor and talk show blowhard Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee went on the TV this past week and wanted to know if the Syrian refugees were coming to America just for cable television.  I am stunned at this. You mean to tell me Syria doesn’t have cable TV.

The second Republican debate debacle will be on the TV tonight.  I believe it’s on the wrestling channel. There should be a lot of fighting outside the ring with people hitting each of other over the head with folding chairs and lots of body slams. I understand Trumpy Pooh is going to wear a Richard Nixon mask so nobody will know him and of course Dr. Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson will be wearing his surgical mask.

Snarly Carly (I Can Run Any Company Into The Ground) Fiorina has moved up from the kids table to participate in the shenanigans.  After The Don’s “look at her face” remark, she said she will be wearing a bag over her head.  

Former Florida Governor Jeb (At Least I'm Not Neil) Bush will be dressed as a pinata. 

Texas Senaterrible Rafael (I Don't Have A Clue) Cruz, Rick (I Need To Be In A) Santorum and Scott (I Need A) Walker are coming as the Three Stooges. In other words they will be dressed as usual.

 

Former Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry won’t be making the big event fiasco tonight.  He didn’t have enough money in his campaign account for bus fare.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Much Ado About Nothing

The much anticipated first Republican debate was last night and it was quite a dud.  There were no fist-fights, cussing or name calling and no one threw anyone out of the ring and hit them over the head with a folding chair. It was BORING.

Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump started things off by leaving the door open to run as a third party candidate with the Whig Party.  He then followed up by insulting Rosie O’Donnell.  I didn’t even know she was running for President.

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In the minor league debate last night, South Carolina Seneterrible Lindsey ( I Need A Mint Julep For This) Graham had this to say about Mrs. Clinton, “She’s not going to repeal Obamacare and replace it. She’s not going to build the Keystone pipeline. She’s not going to change Dodd-Frank.”  Hey I couldn’t have said it better.

Rick (I Need To Be In A) Santorum said, “I have a track record of getting things done.”

Off hand he couldn’t think of any of those things at the time but he was sure he had done something.

Carly (I Can Run Any Company Into The Ground) Fiorina spit out these little gems, “We have to stop President Obama’s disrespect and disregard for so many Americans.”  This from the bonehead who laid off 30,000 people at HP.

Former Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry said that jobs in Texas grew by 1.5 million during his tenure.  Actually the only thing that grew was Ricky Poo’s nose as he was dropping this bullshit around the stage.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

A Few Boubles From My Soap Box

I understand the White House is thinking about inviting Bill (Sleep My Pretty One) Cosby for drinks and dinner. The plan is to slip him some Quaaludes and when he passes out, take back his Presidential Medal of Freedom.  

Loseranna Governor  Booby (Jihad) Jindal, Former Talk show blowhard, Preacher and Governor Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee, Rafael (I Don’t Have A Clue) Cruz, Rick (I Should Be In A) Santorum, Bill (Wife Beater) O’Reilly and many of the other blowhards on Faux News have been raving and ranting for months about the “War On Christianity.”

Let’s take a look at this so called war. There are over 350,000 churches in America. As of today not a single one has been closed or shut down.  The aforementioned boneheads and many different preachers have gone on the TV, radio, newspapers and internet to rant and spew about this so called war.  As of today, not a single one of their mean-spirited stupid words lies has been censored. Some war huh?

I do believe there is cause for a war though and the enemy is the idiots I have just mentioned. It should be the “War on Stupidity” 

The TeaNut Republicans including all of the boneheads signed up in the Republican Presidential Hindenburg are having a conniption fit over Obama's Iran/Nuke deal. They say that Iran is our oldest arch enemy.

The TeaNuts are pretty sure that it was the Iranians who showed Eve how to bake an apple pie. They also say to remember Dec 7th, that it was Iran who bombed Pearl Harbor; it says so in the new Texas history books. And when we tried to help the Iranians run their country by sending them that nice Shaw guy they said he was a maniacal mass murder and replaced him with that Oldmeanie person. Also they point out that the Israeli Whine Minister Bennie I'manut, who we pay zillions of dollars to be our best friend, says that Iran should return to their old name of Persia and get back into the rug business.  

One last thought and I’m done with it on the Confederate Flag.  The boneheads who want to keep it flying say it’s because they want something that is a symbol of their heritage.  Then what they need to do is find something in their history that they can be proud of and the rest of the world would think was something good. I’m sure there are a number of things and then design a flag around that. The Civil War and slavery is not something they should be proud of. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.  

Saturday Editon

After reading all of the comments made by the far right-wingnuts this week I have come to the conclusion that there are two words that are now totally interchangeable. Republicans and Racist? 

Former Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry called the shooting in Charleston, SC an “accident”. Really, this asshole racist killed nine people by accident. Every time I think little Ricky can't get any dumber, he finds a way to embarrass the state again.  He also said he thought he thought the real issue was drugs in this case. Well there is no doubt the kid had been drinking heavily from the “White Supremacy” well for quite some time. I think maybe the person on drugs is little Ricky.

Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush said Friday night that he didn’t know if the shooting was racially motivated, this was after the kid said he wanted to start a race war, but then again the list of things that ole Jeb doesn’t know would stretch to the moon and back.

Rick (I Really Should Be In A) Santorum said the shooting was another assault on religious liberty.  Well Ricky, they were in a church so one could assume they were Christians, but we know for fact that they were all black, so you can take your Christian persecution and shove it.

None of the GOP would bring up gun control other than say now is not the time to have a discussion about guns. That’s because it is never time to talk about guns with these boneheads. The truth is now is exactly the time to talk about guns.

Houston radio blow hard and certified racist Michael (I’m A Bigger Asshole Than Rush, But Not As Smart) Berry spent most of the morning yesterday defending the confederate flag as a symbol of southern heritage. You know, something to be proud of….like this guy.

And to all of the wacko gun nuts who believe the 2nc amendment gives every bonehead in the country the right to own a gun, exactly what is it about “a well regulated militia” that you don’t understand

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Flakes Of Friday

A collective “Thank You” from every comedian and late night talk show host was heard world wide as Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry yelled shotgun and jumped into the Republican Presidential Clown Car.  Ricky Pooh does have the distinction of being the first candidate under criminal indictment to enter the race. I understand his campaign slogan is going to be "Hey you elected Richard Nixon and he was a crook."  . 

Rick (I’m Not A Scientist, But I Am A Moron) Santorum thinks that the Pope should leave science to the people who know about science…politicians.  The Pope of course has a Master's degree in chemistry which means he is a scientist as opposed to little Ricky who majored in total stupidity with a minor in just plain dumb.

 

Rush (Big Mouth, Tiny Brain) Slimebough is convinced the media is giving all of this attention to Catilyn Jenner because the left, he says is interested in turning conservatives and Republicans into “the new weirdos, the new kooks,”  No Rush, you dumbass,  the conservatives and Republicans are “old weirdos and old kooks.”  There is absolutely nothing NEW about the GOP (Grumpy Old People).

The Republican Party is made up of old people with old ideas. They are the grumpy old man who lives down the street and is pissed off that he is the old man who lives down the street.  All they know to do is shout “keep off my grass” while shaking their wrinkled fist in the air.  They have no ideas, no solutions, no compassion and no empathy.  The only thing good about the Republican Party is that they are dying. Almost two million registered Republican voters will be dead before the 2016 election. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

I'm Just Sayin'

Former ambulance chaser and current Koch brothers step-son, Texas Senaterrible Rafael (Rhymes With Fidel) Edwardo Cruz likes to be called Teddy,. He says it’s his favorite article of clothing because it makes him feel all frilly under his suit. Anyway little Teddy seems to have a problem on deciding which side of the fence he is on.  He goes on CNN and says that Global Warming is a hoax and then scares a little girl to tears by saying, “your world’s on fire.”   Make up your mind Rafael Teddy, its one or the other.

Little Teddy is also against same-sex marriage.  He believes in the traditional biblical marriage of one man and multiple women.    

Treasonous Teddy also thinks the 2^nd amendment gives people the right to overthrow the government. Since he is part of the government, I say we throw his dumbass out.

Former Governor of Arkansas and blowhard talk show host, Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee has announced that he will announce if he is going to run for President again sometime in May.  There have got to be 6 maybe 10 million, thousand, hundred, people who are waiting with baited breath on this one.  

Ohio Governor John (I’m Waiting By The Phone) Kasich said over the weekend he is waiting for the Lord to tell him if he should run for President. So far the Lord hasn’t picked a winner yet. I remember him telling Michele (I’m Even Dumber Than Sarah) Bachman, Herman (Nein, Nein, Nein) Cain and Rick ( I Need To Be In A) Santorum that they should run.  

I predict that by the time the primaries start next year, every single person in the Republican Party will be running for President. What the Republican Party really needs to do is find someone to run who has a normal name. I mean enough with the cutesy  Mitt’s, Newt’s Jeb’s and Rand’s. I’m surprised they haven’t run a Skip, Biff or Dub by us.

I just saw a headline on the internet that said “Has the Tea Party lost its touch?”  My question is when was the Tea Party ever in touch?

Stay tuned for future adventures.

2016

Wow, Hillary (I’ll Be Married To The First Gentleman) Clinton announced that she is running for President.  Man, I didn’t see that one coming.

Texas Seneterrible Ted (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz was very upset about Hillary’s announcement. Little Teddy was beside himself for, “her complete and abject failure to mention Jesus. Hillary Clinton sent a very clear message today: she does not intend to bring Jesus with her to Washington,” I understand Jesus had no comment on the matter.

Kentucky Seneterrible Rand (I Have Two First Names) Paul also announced he was running for President.  I thought his announcement was pretty much in tone with his attitude toward the media.

Perennial Presidential loser Rick (I Really Need To Be In A) Santorum told Iowans last week that he found the key to winning his party’s nomination.  He said he has given up his quest to look like Mr. Rogers and burned all of his sweaters. Ricky Poo also said he had formed a testing the waters committee and if could get Jesus to teach him how to walk on water, he would throw his halo into the ring for President once again.   
Little Ricky was also straight forward about his love for fetuses.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

I know I have talked about this before, but they run this commercial about every five minutes.  The Viagra commercial starts by saying “This is the age of Knowing.”  Then it shows some bonehead driving his pick-up truck which is pulling a large horse trailer full of horses into a giant mud hole where he gets stuck. One would think this dumb ass would KNOW better than to drive into this mud hole pulling a trailer with so much weight.  Later we see that he has the idea to pull the pick-up out of the mud hole with the horses. I am assuming that the lamebrain took a couple of Viagra pills and it made his brain bigger. Funny, I always thought the pills made some other part of his anatomy bigger.

I don’t know about you, but if I see a commercial for a pill that is 60 seconds long and they spend 45 seconds telling you all of the horrible things that can go wrong if you take it; I’m passing.

Then there are the car commercials where they are driving nine hundred miles an hour out on the salt flats of Utah.  How many people do you know that drive out on the salt flats of Utah?  Speaking of that, why build cars that can go 120 miles an hour when the speed limit is 70?

Has ABC morning or talks shows ever had a program that didn’t promote another ABC or Disney show? Dancing with the Stars just had Disney week on the show.  It’s a small world after all.

Don’t you love it when commercials try to pass actors off as real people and then you start seeing the same actors in nine different commercials?

And there are the commercials where the spokesperson for the company is an idiot, like the Sonic ads, or where the customer is an idiot, like all beer commercials. Don’t get me wrong, I find some of these entertaining, but it seems to me the not-so-subtle message is, “Hey you’re a dumb ass for buying our product.”

 

There were so many extremely stupid things said by extremely stupid people, ie Sarah (Half-Ass Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin, Rick (I need to be in a) Santorum and Wayne (Shoot First and Ask Ques….Oh to Hell with the Question) LaPierre at the NRA (National Rabid Assholes) convention this past week-end, that I decided to pass on any commentary. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

GOP...Gang of Pessimist

It is amazing how some people can be on the wrong side of every issue, every time, every day.  I am talking about Tea Bonehead Republicans.  Congress has actually come up with a budget deal and guess who is bitching and moaning about it? The Catholic Church has finally come up with a Pope who is trying to actually do the right thing and guess who has a negative opinion of him?  No matter what the question is or what the solution might be, they have one answer. NO, WE DON’T LIKE IT.  They never have an alternative solution, plan or answer, they just say no. They are self-centered obstructionist narrow-minded assholes and have the honor of being the most do-nothing Congress in history.  

Oh wait, they did do something. The Republicans in the Senate stayed up all night talking about nothing, do nothing and accomplishing nothing just to show the world that they were upset about the nuclear option that the Senate enacted recently. They were going to hold their breath until they turned blue but opted for a slumber party instead.


Congressmoron Loonie Louie (Single Digit I.Q.) Gohmert is at again. He got up on the floor of Congress and said that the reason we were having hurricanes and terrible weather conditions is because we don’t have the protection of God anymore. He says God is mad that we allow abortions. Hmmm, so God kills innocent women and children with hurricanes and such because we allow abortions. That Louie, he is a smart one isn’t he. I understand his high school class back in Mount Pleasant, Tx voted him most likely to say something really stupid.

Then there is the unemployed Presidential wantabe Rick (I Should Be In A) Santorum who was praising Nelson Mandela this week and tried to equate Obamacare with Apartheid. Wow, another real genius. I hear his high school class back in Mundelein, Ill voted him most likely to say something really offensive.


How about the World’s Grumpiest Old Man John (I Left My Brains in Vietnam) McCain who was upset that President Obama shook hands with Roul Castro.  This from the asshole who had his smiling picture made with terrorist in Libya.  His high school class in Alexandria, Va voted him most likely to say things that were totally irrelevant to anything.



I always thought Oklahoma’s motto, which they have on their license plates, was kinda dumb.  It is Oklahoma is OK.  Not Oklahoma is Great or Oklahoma is Super or Fantastic.  Well now I get it. It stands for Only Kooks. It seems that in their great wisdom the Oklahoma Republican controlled legislature passed a law allowing for religious monuments to be allowed on the Capitol grounds.  What they had in mind was putting up a monument of the Ten Commanments, but some folks beat them to the punch. A Satanist organization and the Hindus have applied for permits which have greatly upset all those fine intolerant Christians up there.  I am still laughing.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Morning Quarterback

According to the latest polls Ted (Head Kochroach) Cruz is the leader of the Republican Party. This is probably the best news the Democrats have had in years. Let’s look back at some of the early poll leaders in Republican Party over the last few years.  There was Rudy Giuliani, Michele Bachman, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Rand Paul, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, Fred Thompson, John McCain and of course Sarah Palin. Talk about a who’s who of losers.

The LAX shooter was carrying a “manifesto” associated with the antigovernment “patriot” movement.  Hmmm, sounds like he was a member of the Tea Party.  After all the Tea Party mostly consists of illiterate, gun toting, racist wrapped up in the American flag and spewing biblical crap who couldn’t spell Tea Party if you spotted them the T and A.

It appears that 60 Minutes has egg all over its face, the large 4 egg omelet kind. Last weeks interview with a man who said he was a security officer who witnessed the attack has turned out to be all lies.  According to his official report that he turned after the attack, he wasn’t even there. Even Fox News turned this guy down after he wanted money. I mean if the boneheads at Faux News turned down a chance to slam Hilary and the White House, you know this guy was pulling a Cruz. 

Mitt (I Was Wrong, 51% Didn't Vote for Me) Romney said Sunday that President Barack Obama’s "fundamental dishonesty" on the Affordable Care Act has “put in peril the whole foundation of his second term.”  Wow, I guess that puts Obama’s third term in office in real jeopardy..

I just saw a headline that said, Man pepper-sprays a woman, steals her monkey.  Is that code for something?




Stay tuned for future adventures.

A Day Off

Once again we are having a holiday for someone who doesn’t deserve ten seconds of our time, much less a day.  Good ole Chris (Where’s the Poop Deck?) Columbus who made four trips across the Atlantic and never sat foot in America has a major holiday dedicated to him.  Hey I’m all for holidays but why can’t we have them for somebody who actually did something?

I’m talking about things that meant something or changed the world, like the guy who invented the margarita or maybe who ever gave us the snuggie.  Important things like who discovered Fargo North Dakota or who came up with Honey Boo Boo.  Not some guy who couldn’t tell the North Star from the moon.  The Captain and Gilligan were better sailors than this goober. 


This comes under the heading, Football Theory of Relativity.  Gary Kubiak head coach of the Houston Texans was a back up quarterback his entire playing career and now he has a back up quarterback for his starting quarterback.  For you Houston fans, you do remember that when Peyton Manning was leaving the Colts he expressed interest in playing for the Texans but the Texans weren’t interested.  After all they had Matt Schaub.


The first nail in the coffin has been driven.  Ted (All Mouth, No Brains) Cruz is the overwhelming favorite in the Conservative Straw Poll.  Just ask Ron or Rand (Two PeaBrains in Pod) Paul or Rick (I Should be in a) Santorum. 

The big Tea Party rally in Washington over the week-end was a really big blow out.  I understand they had over 15 people show up. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.