Harrumping Day

Here are the top ten contestants humps who will be participating in Faux News new political game show, "The Liar's Club" tomorrow night.   The winner gets to go on to be a be humiliated by whoever the opposition runs in the general election.  Leading the pack is Dr. Republicanstein's monster.

1. Real estate mogul Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump
2. Former Florida Gov. Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush
3. Wisconsin Gov. Scott (I Need A) Walker
4. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike ( I Need A Job)Huckabee
5. Nut-job-surgeon Dr. Ben (No, I’m Not Kin To Johnny) Carson
6. Sen. Ted (I Don’t Have A Clue)Cruz of Texas
7. Sen. Marco (I Have A Sugar Daddy) Rubio of Florida
8. Sen. Rand (My Mom Invented Fish Sticks) Paul of Kentucky
9. New Jersey Gov. Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie
10. Ohio Gov. John (My Family Doesn’t Know Me Either) Kasich

 Texas Gov. Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry, Louisiana Gov. Booby (Jihad) Jindal, Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly (I Can Run Any Business Into The Ground) Fiorina, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey (I Need A Mint Julep For This) Graham, former Virginia Gov. Jim (Who Cares) Gilmore and former New York Gov. George (All I Have Going For Me Is A Really Dumb Name) Pataki will be on the taxi squad and be available if any of the top ten are sent to the penalty box for excessive stupidity. 

 I am pretty sure Faux News won’t even have to provide a laugh track.

Donald (Hair-Brained) Rump had this to say yesterday, “I’m going to win Hispanics, and I think I’m going to win the African-American vote.”  The Don went on to say that he also thought he could cure cancer, fly to Mars and build condos, get the price of gas down to 50 cents a gallon and teach the Middle East how to love one another. 

New Jersey Governor Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie said in an interview yesterday, “I’m a Catholic but I’ve used birth control.”  I am stunned. This bonehead has a sex life. You have got to be kidding.

A new big game hunter has made the scene. Sabrina ( I Just Feel The Need To Kill Something) Corgatelli has posted a picture on facebook of the giraffe she killed and how good it made her feel.  She also said, “Giraffes are very dangerous animals,” and that’s why she will never buy anything from Toys R Us.  I believe little Sabrina deserves more than some really vile comments on her facebook page.      

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Wednesday Humps

Ohio Governor John (I Know, My Family Doesn’t Know Who I Am Either) Kasich has decided to take a seat on the Republican Presidential Hindenburg.  Little Johnny said in his announcement speech, “I am here to ask you for your prayers, for your support, for your efforts because I have decided to run for president of the United States.  Just read Matthew 25. Did you clothe the naked?”  I am assuming that since the rest of the field has already decided to go after gay folks and illegal immigrants that the only group left for kooky Kasich to rail against are nudist.

Donald (Hair-Brained) Rump is at the top of the Republican polls for President. I think the question posed this week had something to do with that result. It was “Who has the worse hair-do of the Republican candidates?”  Also it good to remember exactly who is all for this asshole. You can see for yourself right here.  

I understand there is a new sexy cook book coming out. It’s “Fifty Shades of Grey Poupon.”

Check out this “Jesus loves you, but not if you’re gay” Christian.  South Carolina pastor Darren ( Dare To Be Stupid) Squires has sent a letter to the Governor of that state asking if he can forbid gays from attending his church.  Dipshit Darren said, “It doesn’t matter if a man goes with a man, that’s his choice.”  Obviously it does matter to Double Dumb Darren or he wouldn’t be making an ass of himself, but as you can see from his facebook picture, being an asshole comes naturally to Dingbat Darren.   

Stay tuned for future adventures.

I'm Just Sayin'

Former ambulance chaser and current Koch brothers step-son, Texas Senaterrible Rafael (Rhymes With Fidel) Edwardo Cruz likes to be called Teddy,. He says it’s his favorite article of clothing because it makes him feel all frilly under his suit. Anyway little Teddy seems to have a problem on deciding which side of the fence he is on.  He goes on CNN and says that Global Warming is a hoax and then scares a little girl to tears by saying, “your world’s on fire.”   Make up your mind Rafael Teddy, its one or the other.

Little Teddy is also against same-sex marriage.  He believes in the traditional biblical marriage of one man and multiple women.    

Treasonous Teddy also thinks the 2^nd amendment gives people the right to overthrow the government. Since he is part of the government, I say we throw his dumbass out.

Former Governor of Arkansas and blowhard talk show host, Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee has announced that he will announce if he is going to run for President again sometime in May.  There have got to be 6 maybe 10 million, thousand, hundred, people who are waiting with baited breath on this one.  

Ohio Governor John (I’m Waiting By The Phone) Kasich said over the weekend he is waiting for the Lord to tell him if he should run for President. So far the Lord hasn’t picked a winner yet. I remember him telling Michele (I’m Even Dumber Than Sarah) Bachman, Herman (Nein, Nein, Nein) Cain and Rick ( I Need To Be In A) Santorum that they should run.  

I predict that by the time the primaries start next year, every single person in the Republican Party will be running for President. What the Republican Party really needs to do is find someone to run who has a normal name. I mean enough with the cutesy  Mitt’s, Newt’s Jeb’s and Rand’s. I’m surprised they haven’t run a Skip, Biff or Dub by us.

I just saw a headline on the internet that said “Has the Tea Party lost its touch?”  My question is when was the Tea Party ever in touch?

Stay tuned for future adventures.