Hump Day

Here are this week's humps.

Those humps in Washington who took the food stamps out of the farm bill to get it passed and this week we find out the U.S. Agriculture Department paid out $32 million in soil conservation payments and crop insurance aid to dead farmers from 2008 to 2012.  No wonder they dropped the food stamps, the people who need them are alive.

 Boy those Republicans really do hate poor people, even people like those in New Jersey who weren’t poor before hurricane Sandy came along and blew away their houses and businesses. Republican Senaterrible from Kentucky, Rand (The Nut Doesn’t Fall From the Tree) Paul who referred to the Sandy victims as having “Gimmie, Gimmie attitudes” and said they were taking money that we should spend on the defense budget. THE DEFENSE BUDGET, the number one thing we spend money on. Our defense budget is larger than the next 10 countries put together.   The real irony is that Kentucky takes almost 3 times as much money from the Federal government as the state of New Jersey.

Good ole Rand was the lone no vote in confirming the new F.B.I. director this week. He thought that Jack Bauer was the only man for the job.  Rand told his fellow Senators that Jack had singlehandedly saved America for 8 straight seasons.

Congressmoron Republican Steve (And You Thought Steven King was Scary) King from Iowa who last week said most of the illegal immigrants coming across the border had calves the size of cantaloupes from carrying hundreds of pounds of drugs is now saying that he was complimenting them.  Well hell, I’m sure glad ole Steve cleared that up. Here I was thinking he was an idiot racist moron.

Ex-Congressmoron Anthony Weiner said yesterday that he would not drop out of the mayor’s race, but he would consider dropping his pants if anyone wanted to take a picture.

O.J.Simpson appeared before a two-member parole panel last Thursday to plead for leniency. He said he's tried to be a model inmate and hasn’t killed a single person while in jail.

President Obama gets a hump mention today for even considering Larry Summers to head up the Fed. Talk about letting the fox guard the hen house.  Shame on you Obama.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Small Talk Around the Water Cooler

There are reports that three million people came to see Pope Frankie the Sissy in Rio de Janeiro this past week-end.  That’s almost a million and half more than the Rollings Stone drew last year.  I don’t know what the ticket prices were to see Frankie but he must have cleaned up.

The Wolverine movie might have been number one at the box office this week-end, but I found it quite disappointing.  There was nothing about his poor mother who toiled for years as a maid, Wolverclean or his abusive father Wolvermean.  It doesn’t have anything in it about his geeky brother Wolverweenie or sister Wolverjean. Not one word about his son Wolverteen, and his anorexic daughter Wolverlean.  Nothing even about his gay uncle Wolverqueen, drug-addict coustin Wolverfiend  or jewish grandma Wolversteen.  You would think the guy was raised by wolves or something.   

Republican Representative Paul(Let Them Eat Cake) Ryan said this week that The War on Poverty has "failed miserably.  He went on to say that he just can’t believe all those poor people are still here, but he said if he and his fellow Republicans will just hang in there and keep cutting food stamps and other welfare programs they will eventually starve all of those poor people to death and be rid of poverty forever.

Sarah (Half-Ass Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin is trying her best to stay in the spotlight by running off at the mouth again. This time she is claming that the GOP political machine of Karl (Darth Vader’s Brother) Rove and his minions wouldn’t let her tell America the truth about Obama back in 2008…. The truth being that he was black.  She went on to say that if she could have told America, she would have been able to put in her two years as Vice-President before she quit.

Only dead people were inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame this year which pretty well indicates where baseball stands today.

Even though Texas is increasing voter suppression tactics, Congressmoron Republican Looney (If you’re White, You’re Alright) Gohmert said yesterday there was no racial discrimination at the polls in Texas.  He said all you need for voter ID in Texas is your NRA membership card, a receipt from Chic-fil-a or Hobby Lobby and be 21 with an IQ of 18 or the other way around.  He couldn’t remember which. 



Stay tuned for adventures.

More Lone Star Slime Machine

Let’s meet some more good ole boy Texas politicians.

Here is David (The Invisible Man) Dewhurst, who is the current Lt. Governor and is running for re-election in 2014 under the campaign slogan, “Next Time I’ll Know What I’m Doing.”  This guy is so bland and totally forgettable that he has to re-introduce himself to his family about once a week. 

Last year, Davy decided he wanted to be a Senator so he ran to replace Kay (Which Rhymes with Nay) Bailey Hutchison, who was THANK GOD, FINALY RETIRING.  At one point Davy had a 45 point lead over a unknown ambulance chaser by the name of Ted (If There is a Communist in Your Family, I Will Find Him) Cruz.  As we all know, Davy crawled back into the Lt. Governor’s high chair and Little Teddy went on to be an embarrassment to Texas on a national level.   
 

Here is one of the pinheads who would like to take Davy’s place in the high chair next year. His name is Dan (Big Mouth, Little Brain) Patrick.    

As you can tell by his picture, Danny is a real triple threat kind of a guy.  Danny came to Texas many years ago as a loud mouth, obnoxious, TV sports reporter.  He is now a loud mouth, obnoxious radio talk show host and State Senator in the part-time Texas Legislature.

 Danny got his gig as radio talk-show host the old fashion way: he bought the radio station.  It is a little 500 watt AM (All Morons) operation which coincidently is how many listeners they have.  Danny thinks there shouldn’t be any separation of church and state.  He is like a lot of Republicans in that they think there is only one amendment to the Constitution and that, of course, is the 2nd amendment.  He should really take the time to read the 1st amendment which prohibits the making of any law respecting an establishment of religion. Well maybe, I should say he should have someone read it to him.

Most recently Danny posted a picture on his Facebook page railing about the need for more border security in Texas.  The problem was that the picture was of the Arizona/Mexico border. Maybe Danny should move to Arizona.

Then there is Texas land commissioner Jerry (Shoot First, Ask Questions Later) Patterson, who is the author of the Texas concealed weapons legislation.  Jerry carries a loaded pistol in his boot at all times which of course makes him walk funny.   Last year he sponsored a push by the Sons of Confederate Veterans to display the group’s name and logo, which features the Confederate battle flag, on Texas specialty license plates.   

 Jerry had this to say when he threw his 2 pint Stetson into the ring for Lt. Governor.  “People around the state want someone who is straight with them … I want to be the straight guy.”  Now I’m not sure if he was calling little Danny Patrick gay or not.

And there is Todd (Plant This) Staples, State Agriculture Commissioner and Conquistador.

He is an Aggie: need I say more?  





Stay tuned for future adventures.

Hump Day

Speaking of humps.

The Republican T-boneheads love to talk about how terrible the country is doing under Obama and how they know how to bring prosperity to everyone because they have such great economic polices.  Well let’s look at the so called Red states, states that are controlled by Republican Governors and legislatures. The red states are less educated and have the highest rates of poverty.  They have the highest rates of teen pregnancy, divorce, gun deaths and the lowest overall life expectancy. Hey you don’t have to believe me.  It is very easy to check this out.

Anthony (This is Junk Mail)Weiner the ex-Congressmoron who had to resign a couple of years ago because he sent pictures of his junk to a number of women is back in the news.  Anthony is now running for mayor of New York City and it seems some more pictures have turned up.  He evidently sent them under the name Carlos Danger. Here is the part I don’t understand.  Why didn’t he send the pictures under the name Anthony Weiner and run for mayor under the name Carlos Danger?  I mean who wouldn’t vote for some guy calling himself Carlos Danger?  What a dumbass.

A new survey just out says nearly six-in-10 voters say they would vote to defeat and replace every single member of Congress if they had such an option on their ballot.
All I can say is put your money where your mouth is and start by voting out the people you get to vote for.  If they have been in office more than one term, they are part of the problem not part of the solution.

I can certainly see why the hawks are frothing at the mouth to jump into another war, this time in Syria.  I mean look how great everything is going in Iraq and Afghanistan.  No problems there. 

 A Japanese utility company said Monday its crippled Fukushima nuclear plant is likely leaking contaminated water into sea, acknowledging for the first time a problem long suspected by experts.  You know what this means……GODZILLIA….



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Rodney's Believe It or Not

I looked up dysfunctional in the dictionary and found this.

 The House Republicans have given their members a booklet on how to talk to their constituents. The booklet is titled “Fighting Washington.”  Not “Getting something done in Washington, or Working for All Americans”  Yessir, they are gonna tell those fine folks at home that they are blocking, saying NO, and doing everything in their power to bring Washington to a dead standstill.  There is your tax dollars at work  Think you’re getting your money’s worth?

Hey it’s Daddy Cruz….

Texas Senaterrible Ted (The Communist are Coming, The Communist are Coming) Cruz is a big opponent of the immigration bill.  Here is a little info you might not know on Little Teddy.  His father Rafael (Jesus is Coming, Jesus is Coming) Cruz was a Castro supporter who bribed his way out of Cuba to come to America and then spent 50 years here before becoming a citizen  As many of you probably know, Teddy’s mom was American but moved to Canada before dropping this bonehead on the world. .

Daddy Cruz has also called Obama another Hitler and evidently talks with God on a regular basis because God told him that Teddy was special. I think little Teddy is especially crazy.  I just hope God doesn’t text Daddy Cruz while he is driving because that could be dangerous.

Little Teddy said his recent trip to Iowa was not for politics.  Being the financial conservative that he is, he just wanted to visit the birthplace of his hero Herbert Hoover.  Ya’ll remember ole Herbie.  In 1928 as the Republican nominee for President he had this to say. "We in America today are nearer to the final triumph over poverty than ever before in the history of any land." Of course within months the stock market crashed, and the nation spiraled downward into depression. 

Some quickies…….
It’s official.  Kate has a little Willie.

Looks like Geraldo is off his medication again.

Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus are back together again. Ain’t love grand?  Billy Ray filed for divorce in 2010 and then called it off, Tish filed in 2013 and has called it off.  I am assuming Miley will file for them in 2016.

Another baseball player has come down with Lance Armstrong Syndrome (drugs & lying). So What?


Stay tuned for future adventures.

New Week, Same Ole Dumb Stuff

The Party of No strikes again. I have been trying to get my head around this one all week.  A proposal to ban the sale of firearms to individuals on the FBI’s terrorist watch list was defeated by House Republicans last week   I am pretty sure if they had substituted “surgical instruments” for firearms and “abortion doctors” for terrorist, it would have passed with flying colors.  What a bunch of hypocrites.



When Republican House speaker, John (It’s My Party, I’ll Cry if I Want To) Boehner was asked about the dismal approval ratings for Congress he had this incredibly stupid response.  "We should not be judged on how many new laws we create. We ought to be judged on how many laws we repeal."  Ok, let’s try that John.  Let’s see you assholes have tried to repeal “Obamacare” 37 times and have failed.  Still comes out the same. Complete do-nothing jerks.


I just read an article describing Virginia Gov. Bob (I May Not Have Rick Perry’s Hair-do, but I’m Just as Unethical) McDonnell, who is being investigated for taking gifts from a major benefactor as once being a rising star in the GOP.  What is this ONCE being a rising star? The man is under ethics investigation, which makes him a major star in the GOP.

 A witness in the trial of Whitey Bulger, Boston mobster, has been found dead.  Death is attributed to lead poisoning from the 29 bullets in his chest.   The man prosecutors say was Bulger's top lieutenant, "The Rifleman”, briefly took the stand last week.  Wow, and I thought Chuck Connors was dead.

 News out of Germany this past week reports that a far-right group calling itself the "Werewolf Squad” was planning a terror attack.  The Quileute tribe , consisting of Paul, Embry, Jacob, Sam, Jared, Quil, and Leah have been taken into custody and questioned.

I guess Lance Armstrong really can’t quit lying.  Yesterday he announced that he had won the Tour de France for the 37th time.

Here is a headline off of NBCnews.com

Falling TVs send a child to the ER every 30 minutes

I don’t know who this kid is but I think his parents should make him stop watching tv.

This is the road in front of my house, so don’t tell me I’m not on the “straight and narrow.”

Stay tuned for future adventures.

A Storyteller's Angst.

The editorial in today’s edition of the Houston Chronicle was about what would happen if a Category 4 hurricane hit Houston head-on. Here is part of it if you missed it.

Imagine a Category 4 storm that makes landfall 30 miles west of the spot where Hurricane Ike came ashore. According to models by Rice University's SSPEED Center (Severe Storm Prediction, Education and Evacuation from Disasters), a storm like that would generate a 25-foot surge of water into the Houston Ship Channel. And that's not counting the waves crashing atop that wall of water.
Imagine our coast's barrier islands completely submerged, their expensive beach houses wiped away, the residents who didn't evacuate, drowned. Imagine that wall of water crossing the Ship Channel's Superfund sites, carrying toxic goo as far as water will spread on flat land. Imagine the large-scale debris borne by those waves slamming into thousands of chemical storage tanks, toppling some of them off their foundations. Imagine the heart of the U.S. petrochemical industry brought to a standstill for months. Imagine our whole region - including Texas' largest city - reeling from a blow we might never recover from.
 

It goes on to say that this storm will someday hit Houston and the city has done very little to prepare for it. All of this and more is what I had in SURGE 9 years ago. I truly hope the story that popped into my head 13 years ago will never come true, but I am so afraid that it will.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Bits & Pieces

When Michele (Of Course My Husband is Gay, but He is Not Real Gay) Bachman heard the first plane to be designated as Air Force One is now decaying under the relentless glare of the sun in a southern Arizona field, she was outraged.  She said to let the plane that flew George Washington over the Potomac during the Revolutionary War to sit in ruins was a disgrace. 

I think the scariest thing about the hidden weapons that were found on the North Korean ship coming through the Panama Canal is that they were addressed to Dennis Rodman.

U.S. Attorney Preet( I Can't Pronounce My Name Either) Bharara said today that no Wall Street individual or corporation was too big to go to jail, but since not a single person has gone to jail over the 2008 financial crisis, I’m assuming that there are a number of folks who are too rich to go to jail. 

 With baseball’s attendance falling, I think it is time to change the rules to make the game more fun.  First of all when the batter hits the ball they can run to any base they choose. The pitcher would throw from the dugout and yell “gotcha” before he pitched the ball. Three strikes and you are out forever.  Also both leagues would have the designated hitter rule and the designated hitter would be a fan picked from the stands. And only the fans can do any spitting and scratching.  

It looks like Liz (I’m Not the Gay One, I’m the Stupid One) Cheney’s campaign for the Senate is off to a lying start.

What? KFC is firing Colonel Sanders.  Hey, just because the guy has been dead since 1980 is not a reason to fire him.  I have licked my fingers for the last time.

This comes under the heading, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.  I’ve noticed when looking at a map of Florida it looks like a giant penis.

Libya has turned Colonel Muammar Gadhafi’s former military compound into a park.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Some Thoughts That Ran Through my Brain and Came Out My Computer

So Republican Senaterrible Lindsey (Mealy-Mouth of the South) Graham thinks we ought to boycott the Olympics coming up in Russia because of Edward Snowden. Oh good, let’s give a high school drop out goober a little more influence. Hasn’t he already caused enough embarrassment for the country as is?

In an interview yesterday Lindsey said, "I love the Olympics, but I hate what the Russian government is doing throughout the world,"   Russia has been the “Evil Empire” for most of my life but now Graham has decided that enough is enough.  Well hell it would be no big deal to Lindsey, I mean he hasn’t been training for years to compete in the Olympics.  I doubt if he was planning to go anyway.

This comes under the same mentality that assholes like Lindsey and the rest of Congress has about everything.  They don’t have to go over kill people or be killed when they decide we should go to war.  They don’t have to worry about health care and retirement.  Hell they have got the best deal ever. No they get to sit on their dead ass and draw their salary and benefits while doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. 

Apparently Florida’s stand your ground law is for white people only.  Let’s see, a unarmed black kid is doing nothing but visiting his father when he is stalked by a stranger who is armed.  When the stranger confronts the kid, the kid defends himself with only his fists and gets shot in the process.  The kid is dead and the stranger is off to confront someone else 

Let’s meet some more of those fine Texas State representatives.  Here is Republican Debbie (Double Dumb) Riddle grab-assing with Governor Rick (I Love Women Against Me, Right up Against Me) Perry.

In 2003 this little rant spewed out of Debbie's mouth. "Where this idea did come from that everybody deserves free education, free medical care, free whatever? It comes from Moscow, from Russia. It comes straight out of the pit of hell."

Then in 2010 she goes on Anderson Cooper and talks about a long-term plot to have pregnant women come to the U.S. as tourists to have babies then go home to raise them to become terrorists. She had reportedly referred to them as "little terrorists" Of course she offered no proof of any of this. I suspect that Senaterrible Ted (Communist are Everywhere) Cruz whispered it in her ear at some point.

And this past year, American  pseudo patriot that she is, said that a vote for Obama was a "vote to destroy our country.”
Sorry Debbie but it is paranoid fear-monger boneheads like you that are menace to society. 


Stay tuned for future adventures.

Boneheads of the Week.

Texas Governor Rick (Shoot First and Ask Questions Later) Perry is going on a peace mission in the Middle East. Slick Rick said, "We will be going to Israel to bring together Arabs, Christians and Jews in an educational forum."  First of all most of the Christians there are Arabs.  He should be trying to bring the Muslins together with the Jews and Christians, but you know Ole Governor “Oops,” who thinks two out of three ain’t bad.

Let me get this straight. A 17 year old black kid on the way to visit his father one evening is stalked by a Rambo wannabe who must think he is also Sherlock Holmes because he has deduced that the kid is a menace to society due to the fact that the boy is wearing a hoodie.

Even after he is told to stop following the kid, Rambo confronts him and is getting his ass kicked, Rambo turns into a whining, crying Barney Fife and shoots the unarmed kid.  Now a white judge and an all-white jury decide that Mr. Chicken-shit is not guilty of murder because he was loosing the fight. Now there are a number of people who think that this is perfectly acceptable.  Those people are called racist.

I have noticed that all of the pro-life conservative assholes in this country say they are thrilled and that justice has been served.  Of course if the deceased had been a fetus, the reaction would have been just the opposite.

Former Governor of Illinois, Rod ( I May Use More Hairspray than Rick Perry)Blagojevich has filed for an appeal of his conviction on 18 counts of corruption.  Blagojevich said he didn’t mean to do anything wrong, he just was having a bad hair day.

 Congressmoron Rep. Andy (I Only Come Out in the Dark) Harris, Republican from Maryland, didn’t mince any words talking about last week's verdict in the George Zimmerman trial. "We're hung up on this one case, where this one fellow was, in fact, found not guilty by a jury. That's the way the American law system works," Harris said Tuesday morning in a radio interview. "Get over it."

The Big Business lobbyist group, better known as the Supreme Court, has had quite a summer.  The justices made it more difficult to bring class-action suits against companies, raised the bar for workers to win discrimination claims and protected pharmaceutical companies against people who say they were harmed by defective generic drugs.

This was a headline on NBCnews yesterday.
Can you be electrocuted by your smartphone?

No but your bill can shock the shit out of you.


Stay tuned for future adventures.