Lone Star Malaise

Lone Star malaise is a condition brought on by the combination of the Cowboys in Dallas, the Texans in Houston and the Politicians in Austin.

The Dallas Cowboys have the worse defense in the NFL and can’t stop anybody from scoring touchdowns.
The Houston Texans have the best defense in the NFL and can’t stop anybody from scoring touchdowns.
Texas has the worse politicians in the country and they keep winning elections.

Here we are wrapping up 2013 and all four of the Republican candidates for Lt. Governor of Texas would like for us to go back to 1713.  Dan (I Was a Sports Nut, but Now I’m a Religious Nut) Patrick, Jerry (I Have a Gun in My Boot and a Stick Up My Ass) Patterson, David (Double Dumb) Dewhurst and Todd (I Don’t Have a Clue) Staples all support the teaching of Creationism in public schools.  Creationism is a religious belief that was dreamed up in 1713 and three hundred years later still has zero scientific data to back it up.  If someone wants to brainwash their child at home with this crap, that is one thing; to teach it in public school is another.  I understand that all four also believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and trickle-down economics.

                                   This is the bonehead who wants to replace this bonehead.

Here are a few things that Gregg (Hell on Wheels) Abbott has done or supported this past year.
•    Turned a blind eye to cronyism allowing millions of dollars for cancer research to be misused
•    Threatened international election observers with arrest and prosecution
•    Supported new restrictive abortion laws and vowed to defend them in court
•    Opposed Medicaid expansion that would have provided health care to 1.4 million Texans
•    Defended the GOP's $5 billion cuts in Texas public school funding
•    Accepted an award from a bigot Dave Welch
•    Claimed "nobody in the state of Texas has done more to fight to help women than I have"
•    Thanked a supporter who called Senator Wendy Davis "retard barbie"
•    Claimed "no problems" caused by Voter ID in the 2013 election - when in fact there were many

Voting for this asshole is simply injecting more poison into the system. Voting for this lady is the antidote. .

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrumph Day

The biggest humps of the day are the eighty House Kochsuckers (AKA Tea Partiers) who have held up the Government for the past couple of weeks.  You can tell the Kochsuckers from the other members as they all have that swarmy TV preacher look.  They usually have a condescending smirk on their face that says, “I groped the choir leader’s wife before I laid that hell fire and damnation sermon on ya.”

Now the folks who vote and support these boneheads are not called Kochsuckers.  They are called STOOPID.  You can pick these assholes out of crowd also.  They usually have a misspelled sign in one hand, a confederate flag in the other and a 45 strapped to their hip.  They also show a lack of empathy, brain cells and teeth.  

Local Dallas ambulance chaser and Texas Senaterrible little Teddy (Mad Hatter of TheTea Party) Cruz and Texas Congressmoron Louie (Single Digit I.Q.) Gohmert were caught having a secret session with 15 or 20 other conservative Republican House Kochsuckers at a Mexican restaurant this week. Talk about Dumber and Dumbest. These two boneheads couldn’t plot their way out of the men’s room with a road map and a satellite GPS system.

Texas Lt. Governor David (If You’re White, You’re Alright) Dewhurst and Congressmoron Steve ( I Haven’t Got a Clue) Stockman are the latest Republicans to drag out the impeach Obama crap.  Evidently they both believe that being black and winning the last election was an impeachable offense.

The folks in Palo Alto CA, are up in arms over the fire chief using the emergency broadcast system to announce a charity pancake breakfast. I had no idea people disliked pancakes that much.

I have often wondered how the Christian Right which is very conservative, reconciles that by any standard Jesus would be labeled a liberal. But then again, not much of anything they do makes much sense.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

More Lone Star Slime Machine

Let’s meet some more good ole boy Texas politicians.

Here is David (The Invisible Man) Dewhurst, who is the current Lt. Governor and is running for re-election in 2014 under the campaign slogan, “Next Time I’ll Know What I’m Doing.”  This guy is so bland and totally forgettable that he has to re-introduce himself to his family about once a week. 

Last year, Davy decided he wanted to be a Senator so he ran to replace Kay (Which Rhymes with Nay) Bailey Hutchison, who was THANK GOD, FINALY RETIRING.  At one point Davy had a 45 point lead over a unknown ambulance chaser by the name of Ted (If There is a Communist in Your Family, I Will Find Him) Cruz.  As we all know, Davy crawled back into the Lt. Governor’s high chair and Little Teddy went on to be an embarrassment to Texas on a national level.   
 

Here is one of the pinheads who would like to take Davy’s place in the high chair next year. His name is Dan (Big Mouth, Little Brain) Patrick.    

As you can tell by his picture, Danny is a real triple threat kind of a guy.  Danny came to Texas many years ago as a loud mouth, obnoxious, TV sports reporter.  He is now a loud mouth, obnoxious radio talk show host and State Senator in the part-time Texas Legislature.

 Danny got his gig as radio talk-show host the old fashion way: he bought the radio station.  It is a little 500 watt AM (All Morons) operation which coincidently is how many listeners they have.  Danny thinks there shouldn’t be any separation of church and state.  He is like a lot of Republicans in that they think there is only one amendment to the Constitution and that, of course, is the 2nd amendment.  He should really take the time to read the 1st amendment which prohibits the making of any law respecting an establishment of religion. Well maybe, I should say he should have someone read it to him.

Most recently Danny posted a picture on his Facebook page railing about the need for more border security in Texas.  The problem was that the picture was of the Arizona/Mexico border. Maybe Danny should move to Arizona.

Then there is Texas land commissioner Jerry (Shoot First, Ask Questions Later) Patterson, who is the author of the Texas concealed weapons legislation.  Jerry carries a loaded pistol in his boot at all times which of course makes him walk funny.   Last year he sponsored a push by the Sons of Confederate Veterans to display the group’s name and logo, which features the Confederate battle flag, on Texas specialty license plates.   

 Jerry had this to say when he threw his 2 pint Stetson into the ring for Lt. Governor.  “People around the state want someone who is straight with them … I want to be the straight guy.”  Now I’m not sure if he was calling little Danny Patrick gay or not.

And there is Todd (Plant This) Staples, State Agriculture Commissioner and Conquistador.

He is an Aggie: need I say more?  





Stay tuned for future adventures.