Flakey Friday

Generally when someone endorses you, it’s a good thing. When former Vice-President Dick (I Really Am A Dick) Cheney endorses you, it’s known as the kiss of death Dick. Kevin (Blabber Mouth) McCarthy dropped out of the race for Speaker of the House within hours after Dick puckered up..  I was actually pulling for this bonehead to become Speaker.  I thought the TeaNuts should get someone they really deserved. Not only would Kev have been the least experienced Speaker in history, except for the first one, but he would have been the first one to speak in tongues.  I guess he speaks in tongues, he hasn’t made a speech yet that makes any sense.

NEWS FLASH; There are hypocrites in the house….Oh wait; they are in the Senate too.

The seven CongressMorons and two Senators from South Carolina are asking for federal aid for the massive flooding in the Carolina and well they should, but four of the seven Congressmorons and both Senators voted no a couple of years ago to help New Jersey after hurricane Sandy.  

Of course the one with the most gall was Senaterrible Lindsey (I Need Another Mint Julep) Graham. When asked about his no vote,  Little Lindsey said,  " I don't really recall that, but I'd be glad to look and tell you why I did vote no, if I did."  Well yes selective amnesia prone Lindy, you did and the reason is because you are an asshole just like your asshole co-harts.  

  

Marco (I Have A Sugar Daddy) Rubio said this on the senate floor a couple of months ago when he was railing about the Iran nuke deal.  “If you don’t want to vote on things, don’t run for the Senate. If you don’t want to vote on things, don’t run for office,” since then Rubio has missed 59 votes.

If you ever wondered why Faux News is such a terrible opinionated, biased network, maybe this will help you out. Owner Rupert (Lex Luther Of The News) Murdoch said this week that he thought Dr. Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson would be a REAL black President.   This statement is so stupid, even I don’t have a snappy comeback.

  

A group known as PEOPLE.com printed a list of the phone numbers, email addresses and twitter handles of all 535 members of Congress.  I do hope the boneheads on the hill get an earful.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Much Ado About Nothing

The much anticipated first Republican debate was last night and it was quite a dud.  There were no fist-fights, cussing or name calling and no one threw anyone out of the ring and hit them over the head with a folding chair. It was BORING.

Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump started things off by leaving the door open to run as a third party candidate with the Whig Party.  He then followed up by insulting Rosie O’Donnell.  I didn’t even know she was running for President.

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In the minor league debate last night, South Carolina Seneterrible Lindsey ( I Need A Mint Julep For This) Graham had this to say about Mrs. Clinton, “She’s not going to repeal Obamacare and replace it. She’s not going to build the Keystone pipeline. She’s not going to change Dodd-Frank.”  Hey I couldn’t have said it better.

Rick (I Need To Be In A) Santorum said, “I have a track record of getting things done.”

Off hand he couldn’t think of any of those things at the time but he was sure he had done something.

Carly (I Can Run Any Company Into The Ground) Fiorina spit out these little gems, “We have to stop President Obama’s disrespect and disregard for so many Americans.”  This from the bonehead who laid off 30,000 people at HP.

Former Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry said that jobs in Texas grew by 1.5 million during his tenure.  Actually the only thing that grew was Ricky Poo’s nose as he was dropping this bullshit around the stage.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Mid-Week Blah Blahs

Don’t you just love the boneheads who think the answer to their problems is to secede? 

Then when a disaster strikes their chants of SECEDE turn into WE NEED!

South Carolina Senaterrible Lindsey (Dr. Doom, We’re All Gonna Die) Graham set the world record for the most negative, pessimistic, foreboding announcement speech ever made.  Little Lindsey said, the world is falling apart and he wanted to be President when it does.   Of course loopy Lindsey knows he hasn’t got a chance in hell of being President, but he just can’t pass up jumping on the money bandwagon like the other 113 Republican losers who are doing the same thing.

Just when you thought the NRA (Nefarious Rabid Assholes) couldn’t possibly do anything dumber.  It seems they are very upset that a mentally disabled or domestic abuser isn’t allowed to have guns.  I mean after all the second amendment doesn’t say anything about the mentally ill or wife beaters not being able to pack whatever kind of heat they want, especially when the little woman has burned the toast again.  It really gives a whole new meaning to “Gun Nut” when you think about it.  

 

 

 

Now that the Patriot Act is kaput, here is the question that is on everyone’s lips.  Does Tom ( My Balls Always Have Plenty Of Air) Brady still have to report to Guantanamo Bay?

 

Now that the Texas Legislature in all of their wisdom have decided to allow guns on college campuses, one might think about avoiding next year's University of Texas and Texas A&M shoot out. 

 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday, Monday

I can see why South Carolina Senaterrible Lindsey (I Need Another Mint Julep) Graham picked today to announce he is running sashaying for President.  It is the first day of hurricane season: the perfect day for a blowhard to show up.

 Little Lindsey wants everyone to know that he will be the “Chuck Norris” of Presidents and kick all our enemies off the planet.  He likes to tell everyone that he has a military background and knows exactly what to do. Actually Lindsey was a lawyer in the Air Force and I think he plans on suing ISIS out of business.  Remember If You Love War. Vote Lindsey. 

Donald (Huge Ego, Small Brain) Trump says he will have an exciting announcement to make on June 26^th.  I’m hoping that he is planning on getting a haircut.

The Texas Republican controlled Senate apparently invented a time machine.  They   approved legislation to allow handguns in campus buildings, dorms, and classrooms taking us back to 1815.  The only positive note is that these boneheads won’t be back for another two years.

The Houston flooding was much worse than I first thought.

And now for the irony to end all ironies.  The man charged with shooting George (My I.Q. and My Gun Are Both 45’s) Zimmerman is using the “stand your ground” defense. Boy, that Karma can come back and bite you in the ass.   

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Bubbles From My Soapbox

The Republican primary season is now officially open or as we like to say here in Texas, the Running of Lemmings has begun.  I believe the number of candidates is now up to 113 or maybe 132, I’ll have to check my figures. I predict that the upcoming debates will have more people on stage than in the audience.

The latest to throw his name into the ring is former New York Governor George (At Least My Last Name Isn’t Bush) Pataki.  He is most known for having a really dumb last name.  When asked what he brings to the race that is different from the other hundred or so candidates, he said I have a really dumb last name.

Lindsey (I Need Another Mint Julep) Graham, Senaterrible from South Carolina is expected to announce his bid next week.  Lindsey brings a layer of incoherency to the race that is unequaled.  He had this to say this week on his knowledge of foreign policy,   "My family owned a restaurant, a pool room, and a liquor store, and everything I know about the Iranians I learned in the pool room," Even I can’t come up with a punch line on that one.

You sure have to give talk show blowhard Bill (America’s Bully) O’Reilly credit for one thing.  Ole “wife beater” Bill sure knows his audience. He describes his average viewer to a T.  “They are simpletons, unwilling and unable to discipline themselves into formulating a philosophy of life."  Gosh Bill I couldn’t have said it better. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Bubbles From My Soapbox

The Republican Party is out in Arizona this week having their annual spring meeting cleaning.  Their conundrum is trying to figure out how to par down the number of boneheads eligible for the primary debates because it is likely they will have between 20 to 150 candidates running for President.

One way would be to have a TV show similar to The Bachelor or DWTS and eliminate somebody every week until you get down to one.  The perfect show would be to have them on “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” but probably none of them could survive that one.

They could also just draw straws because in the end, I really doubt if it matters who winds up holding the bag.

Here is the line up as it stands now.

Officially signed up:

Edwardo Teddy (Pick Me, Pick Me) Cruz

Mike (I Need A Job) Huckster

Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson

Marco (I Need A Drink Of Water) Rubio

Rand )My Mother Invented Fish Sticks) Paul

Carly (Your Fired) Fiorina

  

Waiting Stage Far Right to throw hat into ring:

Lindsey (I Need A Mint Julep) Graham

Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry

Rick ( I Need To Be In A) Santorum

Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neal) Bush

Chris (I'll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie

Bobby (Jihad) Jindal

Donald (Massive Ego, Minimal  Intelligence) Trump

Scott (Street) Walker

There are four more who have expressed interest in running making a fool of themselves on the public stage but their names are so low in recognition that even I can’t come up with a snappy name to give them.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday boneHead Lines

I believe the Republican Party can now officially change their name to The Benedict Arnolds.  47 Republican Senators have sent a letter to Iran telling them not to deal with the President.  If that is not treason, I don’t know what is.  These boneheads must have a lot of money tied up in military defense stock because they are just dying to start another war.

Former ambulance chaser, full time misleader, Texas Senaterrible Ted (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz has written a book.  Well his name is on the title but I seriously doubt that he wrote anything other than his name. Anyway the title and I’m laughing quite hard right now so if there are any typos, ignore them, is Time For Truth.

The ironic thing about that title is it really is time for truth.  Truth from little Teddy that is. Politifacts which is in the truth finding business says that liar, liar, pants on fire Teddy only tells the truth about 20% of the time. The only person Teddy is more truthful than is Bill (America’s Bully) O’Reilly.

The problem with the Hilary email scandal is that there is no scandal.  Once again the TeaNut Republicans are playing the sky is falling game because that is the only game they have.

Here is news flash for you.  Lindsey (I Need Another Mint Julep) Graham says he has never sent an email.  Well of course, why would anyone who still lives in the 1950’s send an email.  




Stay tuned for future adventures. 

A Few Bubbles From My Soapbox

Evidently the Seahawks, Russell (God’s Quarterback) Wilson is the NFL’s version of Tim Tebow with talent.  Little Rusty just couldn’t quit gushing and tweeting how God was on their side to win the game over the Green Bay Packers. He never did say what it was that the Packers did to piss God off.

Seems to me, he could have thanked his team for finally waking up from a coma to actually play football for the last two minutes of the game and also to Green Bay for not knowing how to score a touchdown when you are inside the five yard line.

I’m not a Christian, but if I were with all that’s going on in the world, I would be highly insulted about somebody giving God the credit for wining a FUCKING FOOTBALL GAME.

I do believe Russell is a good person and I know he does a lot for charities, but I would just as soon he keep his religious crap to himself.  

While I’m rambling on about religion, it seems to me like war hawks John (Civil War Veteran) McCain and Lindsey (My Panties Are Always in a Bunch Because That’s How I Buy Them) Graham and their necompoop buddies are just dying to get into a religious war.  You know my religion is better than your religion type thing.

I don’t understand this because the boneheads they want to get into a war with are a hundred times more religious than they are. I mean those goobers fall down on their knees and pray about every five minutes when the pseudo religious folks like ole John and little Lindsey make it to church about once a week - if that much, and I suspect it is more to be seen than anything else.


 Stay tuned for future adventures.

Brand New Year, Same Old Stuff

The 114th Congress will be sworn in tomorrow with the TeaNut Republicans in charge, so remember to set your clock back 40 years. With the unemployment rate at the lowest figure in 8 years, Wall Street numbers the highest in history, $2 dollar gasoline and Obamacare working, a GOP spokesman said that they realized they had a big challenge ahead of them. He said the first thing they will do is get everyone together and form a conscious on what to screw up first.

He went on to say that the upside was that they had a lot of new members being sworn in that had slithered in due to the lowest voter turnout since the early 40’s bringing their tiny reptilian brains with them.  Also he said with the help of God, that being the Religious Right, they would have them overwhelm the social media with crap that didn’t mean anything. He remarked that he understood why they call themselves “Believers” because they would believe anything the Republicans told them.

He pointed out that they already have three conservative think tanks working on a new crisis that will scare the shit out of the general public to peddle to the media. Also they have John (Civil War Veteran) McCain, Ted (Me, Me, Me) Cruz, Lindsey (My Panties Are Always in a Bunch) Grahm and Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert primed to hit the airwaves with some really stupid stuff to take the attention away from what is really going on. He said he felt sure that they could bring Washington to a grinding halt in about two weeks.  

AND THIS JUST IN: Louie (I Really Am as Dumb as I Look) Gohmert says he is going to challenge John (It’s My Party, I’ll Cry If I Want To) Boehner for Speaker of the House. I’m laughing too hard to write anymore.



Stay tuned for future adventures.