Day One

What we learned in 2015.

• Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump is just a rich David (KKK) Duke.

• Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush is NOT the smarter one.

• The Christian Right is mostly wrong.

• Minorities are now the majority.

• Texas Governor Gregg (Hell On Wheels) Abbott is not a stand up guy.

• Texas Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert really is as dumb as he looks.

• Ken (I Fought The Law And The Law Won) Paxton was elected to be the Attorney General of Texas and turned out to be the Attorney Criminal of Texas.

• Texas Senaterrible Rafael (I Don’t Have A Clue) Cruz is the creepiest politician since Richard (I’m Really A Dick) Nixon.

• Dr. Ben ( I Can’t Keep My Eyes Open) Carson has a dual personality. Brain-Surgeon/Moron.

• Dr. Huxtable is a rapist.

• The Confederate Flag controversy proved that when southerners said “the south will rise again,’ they weren’t talking about I.Q. levels.

• Same Sex Marriage is highly upsetting to a lot of Same-ole-sex marriages.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Last Hump Of The Year

The year that was.

The Republican Party stayed with their motto.

No Policies

No Solutions

No Candidates

Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump has replaced the Confederate Flag as the symbol of racism and has proved without a doubt that racism and bigotry are alive and well in America. Trump wants to “Take America Back”…actually back to 1950, with his campaign, “Make America Hate Again”

His town hall meetings have been described as a proctologist's dream…assholes by the hundreds.

Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush proved that his little brother George Warmonger Bush doesn’t have a lock on dumb.  Jeb even tried the “Prince Plan” to try improving his campaign by changing his last name to an exclamation point.

The boys in the black robes brought out the hypocrites with their ruling on same-sex marriage.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Freaky Friday

Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush has a new campaign motto, “Jeb can fix it.”  Pretty spiffy huh?  I understand it was actually much longer before an editing process took place. It originally said, “Daddy Bush put the first dent in it, George damn near wrecked it, but now we think Jeb can fix it.”

Dr. Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson believes that Joseph built the Pyramids to store grain.  Little Bennie also believes that the earth is only 6000 years old and I’m pretty sure he thinks Jesus discovered America.  My feelings are that people get to believe anything that they want to believe and I believe this bonehead is a total moron and so is everyone who supports him.

Looks like the good doctor had a Snarly Carly moment when he was writing his book “Gifted Hands.”  He said in the book that he got a full scholarship to West Point.  It turns out that this is a bold face lie. To think that this bonehead is a doctor is very scary.  Dr. Pepper has a higher I.Q. than this idiot.

New Jersey Governor Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie has been sent back to the minor leagues in the debate world.  It seems Chrissie pooh’s numbers are not tall enough for ride.

Texas Lt. Governor Dan (Pig Face) Patrick was beside himself with glee over Houston rejecting the HERO bill which would prevent discrimination.  Danny said he was so proud that all those good Christians showed up at the polls loaded with hate in their hearts.  He reminded them that Jesus loves you, unless you are gay. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Morning Blah Blahs

So it took nine cops in Stockton, Ca to arrest a 16 year old kid who was accused of jaywalking.  Wow, it’s a good thing this kid hadn’t robbed a bank or they would have to have called in the National Guard.

Dumbest statement of the last Republican Debate Debacle was Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush saying “my brother kept us safe.”  Evidently Jeb thinks “W” didn’t become President until September 12^th. 2001.  

 Oops, that doesn’t work either.

Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump and one of his moron supporters had this little conversation last week.  “We have a problem in this country. It's called Muslims. You know our current president is one.” an unidentified man said to Trump and he replied, “We need this question,” Notice how the racist Republicans have cleverly changed the “N” word to the “M” word so they can say it in public.

After thinking about it for a couple of weeks, Trumpypooh  finally came up with his favorite Bible verse, It’s “the truth, you can’t handle the truth.”  Evidently The Don believes in gospel of  Jack..

Jade Helm is officially over in Texas and here is the final report.

People incarcerated in Wal-Mart stores…0

Number of guns taken by the military…0

Number of people arrested for speaking against the government…0

Number of Chinese soldiers invading Texas…0

Number of FEMA camps set up…0

Number of Boneheads who live in Bastrop, Texas …..What ever is on the city limit sign.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

If It's Not One Hump, It's Another

I see where the Oaf Creepers, a quasi military group made up of old overweight boneheads who think they are in the Really Special Forces, are not coming to protect Kim (Homophobic Hick) Davis after all.  I understand the leader’s mom wouldn’t let them borrow her van for the trip.

Former preacher, musician, Governor and talk show blowhard Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee went on the TV this past week and wanted to know if the Syrian refugees were coming to America just for cable television.  I am stunned at this. You mean to tell me Syria doesn’t have cable TV.

The second Republican debate debacle will be on the TV tonight.  I believe it’s on the wrestling channel. There should be a lot of fighting outside the ring with people hitting each of other over the head with folding chairs and lots of body slams. I understand Trumpy Pooh is going to wear a Richard Nixon mask so nobody will know him and of course Dr. Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson will be wearing his surgical mask.

Snarly Carly (I Can Run Any Company Into The Ground) Fiorina has moved up from the kids table to participate in the shenanigans.  After The Don’s “look at her face” remark, she said she will be wearing a bag over her head.  

Former Florida Governor Jeb (At Least I'm Not Neil) Bush will be dressed as a pinata. 

Texas Senaterrible Rafael (I Don't Have A Clue) Cruz, Rick (I Need To Be In A) Santorum and Scott (I Need A) Walker are coming as the Three Stooges. In other words they will be dressed as usual.

 

Former Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry won’t be making the big event fiasco tonight.  He didn’t have enough money in his campaign account for bus fare.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

T.G.I.F These Goobers Invite Farce

Rowan County Clerk Kim (Homophobic Hick) Davis was found in contempt of court for refusing to issue marriage license to same-sex couples and ordered to jail.  Little Kimmy is a born again Christian, but evidently didn’t get a brain this time around. 

Tom (Great Quarterback, Incredible Asshole ) Brady said he is thrilled to be starting next week against the Steelers and promised that his balls would be fully inflated just like his ego.

Dr. Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson is quietly sneaking up on Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump in the political polls, probably because he is wearing his scrubs and booties on his shoes so you can’t hear him.  I believe the main thing TeaNut Republican voters like about him is that he has even less experience in politics than Trump. The closest this bonehead ever came to politics is when he was voted “most likely to say something stupid in public” his senior year in high school.

Speaking of the polls, Trump is still polling at 23% which means that at least 23% of Republicans are racist.  Personally I think that number is a little low.

Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush hit back at Trump yesterday saying, “Am not. Oh yeah, well it takes one to know one” and “I’m going to tell my daddy.”

Former preacher, musician, Governor and talk show blowhard Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee said this week if he were elected President King, he would abort abortions with an executive order.  Little Mikey believes the unborn have constitutional rights just like real people.

I would suggest that the huckster ought to go back and read that book where he gets all of his twisted facts and note that in Genesis it says life comes with the first breath.  A fetus doesn’t breathe you dumbass. A baby takes its first breath when it comes out of the womb.

I have noticed that only 28 states have teams in the NFL which means there are a lot of states and cities that are not being represented and therefore there a number of great team names that are not being used. Here is what I would recommend to the folks running the league.

Albuquerque Turkeys
Boise TaterTots
Omaha Brouhahas
Casper Ghosts
Eugene Queens
Ames Flames
Tulsa Muscle
Louisville Sluggers
Little Rock Rollers
Butte Buttheads
Hattiesburg Borg
Burlington Coats
Bangor Gongs

Concord Super Jets
Honolulu Hooligans
Fargo cargo
Nome Gnomes
Las Vegas Show Offs
Roanoke Slow Pokes
Wheeling Dealing

Dover Dwarfs

Mobile Phones

Stay tuned for future adventures.

It Just Keeps Getting Better

This Just In:

Texas Senterrible Rafael (I Don’t Have A Clue) Cruz just shot himself trying to make a BLT sandwich.

Speaking of little Rafael, this is the bonehead who has dumped a ton of money in his lap. He is Robert (Just Because I Have A Billion Dollars Doesn’t Mean I Have A High I.Q.) Mercer and he is the CEO of the hedge fund Renaissance Technologies.  Little Bobby has donated a little more than 11 million to Cruz’s super PAC.  It seems Roberto doesn’t like to spread his cash around to everyone though.  In 2013, members of Mercer’s household staff sued him for not paying overtime and docking wages.

The fine folks in Mount Vernon, Texas didn’t think it was enough for the new Texas school books to rewrite history to their liking, so they covered the hallways with quotes from famous people like Ronald (Bad Actor, Worse President) Reagan and George (I Can Not Lie, Well, Maybe A Fib Here And There) Washington.  Problem is the quotes were fake.  They just made shit up.  Most of the quotes were promoting Christianity in government. I guess real quotes weren’t convincing enough to sell their worn out myths.

More good news for Texas, well not for Texas Attorney General Ken (I Fought The Law And The Law Won) Paxton.  Last week he was indicted on multiple felony charges and now he has been ordered to appear before a federal judge in San Antonio to see if he should be held in contempt for violating a court order prohibiting enforcement of the state’s ban on same-sex marriage.  Boy, that Karma can sure bite you in the ass sometimes.

Former Florida Governor Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush may need to have the locks changed on the family closet.  It seems one of the skeletons has escaped.  Word is that Jeb’s granddaddy Prescott (I Think I’ll Start A Dynasty) Bush was a founding member of Planned Parenthood.  Whoops.   

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrumping Day

Here are the top ten contestants humps who will be participating in Faux News new political game show, "The Liar's Club" tomorrow night.   The winner gets to go on to be a be humiliated by whoever the opposition runs in the general election.  Leading the pack is Dr. Republicanstein's monster.

1. Real estate mogul Donald (Hair-Brained) Trump
2. Former Florida Gov. Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush
3. Wisconsin Gov. Scott (I Need A) Walker
4. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike ( I Need A Job)Huckabee
5. Nut-job-surgeon Dr. Ben (No, I’m Not Kin To Johnny) Carson
6. Sen. Ted (I Don’t Have A Clue)Cruz of Texas
7. Sen. Marco (I Have A Sugar Daddy) Rubio of Florida
8. Sen. Rand (My Mom Invented Fish Sticks) Paul of Kentucky
9. New Jersey Gov. Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie
10. Ohio Gov. John (My Family Doesn’t Know Me Either) Kasich

 Texas Gov. Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry, Louisiana Gov. Booby (Jihad) Jindal, Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly (I Can Run Any Business Into The Ground) Fiorina, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey (I Need A Mint Julep For This) Graham, former Virginia Gov. Jim (Who Cares) Gilmore and former New York Gov. George (All I Have Going For Me Is A Really Dumb Name) Pataki will be on the taxi squad and be available if any of the top ten are sent to the penalty box for excessive stupidity. 

 I am pretty sure Faux News won’t even have to provide a laugh track.

Donald (Hair-Brained) Rump had this to say yesterday, “I’m going to win Hispanics, and I think I’m going to win the African-American vote.”  The Don went on to say that he also thought he could cure cancer, fly to Mars and build condos, get the price of gas down to 50 cents a gallon and teach the Middle East how to love one another. 

New Jersey Governor Chris (I’ll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie said in an interview yesterday, “I’m a Catholic but I’ve used birth control.”  I am stunned. This bonehead has a sex life. You have got to be kidding.

A new big game hunter has made the scene. Sabrina ( I Just Feel The Need To Kill Something) Corgatelli has posted a picture on facebook of the giraffe she killed and how good it made her feel.  She also said, “Giraffes are very dangerous animals,” and that’s why she will never buy anything from Toys R Us.  I believe little Sabrina deserves more than some really vile comments on her facebook page.      

Stay tuned for future adventures.

The Hits Just Keep Coming

South Carolina State Represenitive TeaNut Republican Michael (I Really Am The) Pitts did his best last week to keep the legislators from voting to remove the Confederate flag.  Little Mikey introduced 25 amendments to the bill in an effort to shut down the system. Of course all he accomplished was to waste a lot people’s time.  I wonder how much this bonehead could have accomplished if he had spent that time and energy writing bills and amendments that could actually be positive for his fellow South Carolinians.   

The most arrogant statement of last week goes to Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush.  This asshole who has never hit a lick a snake as far I as I can tell and has an estimated wealth of between 19 and 21 million dollars said that workers need to work longer. I doubt if this bonehead can spell work.

Texas Senaterrible Rafael (I Don’t Have A Clue) Cruz wants the New York Times to apologize for not putting his book, A Time For Truth, on their best seller list.  The Times said they were simply doing what his book title implied by saying that it is not a best seller when you are the one buying all of the books.  

Wisconsin Governor Scott (Street) Walker is climbing on board the Republican Presidential Hindenburg. I believe his name tag will have 116 on it.  Scott could be the second Presidential candidate to be indicted by grand jury of a crime by debate time, joining Rick (All Hair, Not Brains) Perry.  Prosecutors presented documents last week that accuse little Scotty of being the center of a criminal scheme.   

There has been quite the controversy over George Warmonger Bush taking money to give a speech to wounded war veterans. It was a fundraiser for “Helping A Hero”, a Texas based charity.  As much as I can’t stand “Warmonger”, I don’t blame him for taking the money, but the real conversation should be about who was the idiot who wanted this bonehead who started the wars they were wounded in to talk to them and who was the asshole who approved the money?

Donald ( Hair-Brained) Rump seems to have a problem with numbers. I don’t think little Donny actually went to school, I believe his daddy bought it for him, but if he did, he certainly failed math.

Recently he said that there were 34 million illegal aliens in the country.  The estimate is closer to 11 million. Then over the week-end he said that the crowd he drew in Phoenix was over 20,000.  Wrong, the arena it was held in only holds 4100 people.  And of course his biggest numerical mistake is claiming that his I.Q. is over 40. The Don went on to tell the crowd that, "we're going to take the country back." Yes back to 1950 or possibly 1850.  Someone needs to tell little Donny that backward is never the right direction. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.