It Just Keeps Getting Better

This Just In:

Texas Senterrible Rafael (I Don’t Have A Clue) Cruz just shot himself trying to make a BLT sandwich.

Speaking of little Rafael, this is the bonehead who has dumped a ton of money in his lap. He is Robert (Just Because I Have A Billion Dollars Doesn’t Mean I Have A High I.Q.) Mercer and he is the CEO of the hedge fund Renaissance Technologies.  Little Bobby has donated a little more than 11 million to Cruz’s super PAC.  It seems Roberto doesn’t like to spread his cash around to everyone though.  In 2013, members of Mercer’s household staff sued him for not paying overtime and docking wages.

The fine folks in Mount Vernon, Texas didn’t think it was enough for the new Texas school books to rewrite history to their liking, so they covered the hallways with quotes from famous people like Ronald (Bad Actor, Worse President) Reagan and George (I Can Not Lie, Well, Maybe A Fib Here And There) Washington.  Problem is the quotes were fake.  They just made shit up.  Most of the quotes were promoting Christianity in government. I guess real quotes weren’t convincing enough to sell their worn out myths.

More good news for Texas, well not for Texas Attorney General Ken (I Fought The Law And The Law Won) Paxton.  Last week he was indicted on multiple felony charges and now he has been ordered to appear before a federal judge in San Antonio to see if he should be held in contempt for violating a court order prohibiting enforcement of the state’s ban on same-sex marriage.  Boy, that Karma can sure bite you in the ass sometimes.

Former Florida Governor Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush may need to have the locks changed on the family closet.  It seems one of the skeletons has escaped.  Word is that Jeb’s granddaddy Prescott (I Think I’ll Start A Dynasty) Bush was a founding member of Planned Parenthood.  Whoops.   

Stay tuned for future adventures.

What A Relief

As most of you who read this little piece of fluff on any kind of consistency know that my sweetie and I through circumstances beyond our control moved here to deep East Texas a few years ago.  Even though there are a few nice folks up here we have felt we have moved to the epicenter of dumbness.

Well you can imagine our relief this past week to discover that we don't  live among the absolute dumbest people in Texas.  No that honor goes to the boneheads who make up Bastrop, Texas.  Bastrop is a little bedroom community about 30 miles outside of Austin.  It is where the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre was shot which I’m starting to suspect  was actually a documentary 

The military is conducting an exercise known as Jade Helm 15 outside of Bastrop and a number of the citizens cretins who reside there are positive that it is actually a plan by President Obama to take over Texas.  Of course the military has been doing this exercise for over a decade and it is also being conducted in 5 other states. 

I am pretty sure most of the dimwits in Bastrop have never had an original thought in their entire lives; so it stands to reason that someone planted this little gem in the community.  That someone is Alex ( Mr. Paranoid) Jones, a talk show blow hard and full-time moron.  Delusional Alex also believes the U.S. government was behind the Oklahoma City bombings and 9/11. He also believes the moon landings were faked and that the Sandy Hook elementary school shootings were a government hoax. 

The really good part of this story is that Texas Governor Gregg (Hell On Wheels) Abbott, Texas Senaterrible Edwardo (I Haven’t Got A Clue) Cruz, Texas Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert and washed up, never was, lame martial arts bonehead and really bad actor Chuck (Terminal Short-Man Syndrome) Norris have stuck their two-cents nonsense into the story and not in a good way.  It seems that they have found themselves in a giant quandary.  They don’t know if they should “Support our Troops” or “Fear our troops.”

I would just like to say to Bastrop idiots who are afraid their little villages is going to be taken over by United States of America.  You are a little late, that happened on December 29, 1845.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

I'm Just Sayin'

A number of folks up in Plano, Texas want to repel their city’s equal rights ordinance.  Seems they are not happy unless they can discriminate against gay people.  These folks are known as Plano assholes.

The terrible tragedy in Paris proves that satire is not for stupid people.

Some more of those responsible gun owners have shot a loved one. Seems a man in North Carolina left to go to work and the wife reset the alarm system.  When the man came back to surprise the wife with breakfast, she shot him. When asked if she thought he was an intruder coming in, she said no, she wanted pancakes instead of bacon and eggs.

Texas Senaterrible Ted (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz is all in tizzy because President Obama didn’t attend the solidarity rally in Paris.  When asked why he didn’t go, little Teddy said that his final exam in automatic transmission repair class was the next day and he had to study.  

Texas State Represenitive Ceil (I Only Answer To The Dinner) Bell Jr. must be a protégé of Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert.  Little (actually he is big fat) Ceil has written a bill that says that if local government employees give out same sex marriage licenses, they would not get their paychecks, benefits or pensions. What a jerk. Cecil has decided if he can’t punish the people he doesn’t like, he will just punish people he doesn’t know.

Senaterrible John (Civil War Veteran) McCain was on the TV yesterday blathering on and on about putting more boots on the ground to stop terror attacks, but he couldn’t manage to explain how this would help. I am beginning to think old John owns a lot of stock in a boot company somewhere.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Have Gun, Will Travel

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Now Rick (I may be hair-brained but I have a great hair-do and a gun) Perry says he is thinking about running for President. Wasn’t he talking about Texas seceding in the recent past? Anyway, a "Draft Perry 2012" website is up and running and get this; it is sponsored by 5 California lawmakers. Well yeah, these yahoos had Arnold for Governor. Even an idiot like Slick Rick looks good beside that bed warmer. The only thing Arnold has done noteworthy is to join the who’s who list of famous folks who have fathered children out of wedlock. Here are few names that come to mind, John Edwards, Eddie Murphy, most of the players in the NBA and God.

Here are some facts about how Texas has done under Perry’s periscope.
• Texas is #49 in verbal SAT scores in the nation (493) and #46 in average math SAT scores (502).
• Texas is #36 in the nation in high school graduation rates (68%).
• Texas is #33 in the nation in teacher salaries.

Oh yeah, we are in the top ten for having the biggest budget short fall. We rank #8 with $27 billion and had to lay off hundreds of teachers and other public workers, (fire and police departments).Way to go Rick.

Rick (Serial Politician) Perry doesn’t bring experience to the party, he brings baggage. Here is a guy who was born in a lower middle class family who has worked in government jobs all of his life and is a millionaire. Gee, wonder how he did that? You think he saved that much by switching  to Geico?
And if that is not enough for ya on Slick Rick, check out http://juanitajean.com/

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, the new darling of the Republican Party, is certainly fitting right into the Republican mode of saying one thing and doing another. The so called fiscal-conservative took a State Police helicopter to his son’s baseball game. Nice move.

The scariest thing about all of the Republican candidates who have announced and those who are about to announce they are running for President is their nano knowledge about foreign policy. Most of them couldn’t tell you if Bin Laden was involved with Al Qaeda or Al Roker.

Two friends in Houston were comparing handguns and one of them was accidentally shot in the chest. Seems like another good reason to make it mandatory for gun owners to take an I.Q. test.

 On a recent field trip to Baltimore a group of eighth-graders from Berwick, Pennsylvania were taken to lunch at Hooters. I am assuming they were members of the school’s Audubon Society.

Sarah Palin and Donald Trump’s meeting took a bad turn this week.. That thing on Donald’s head snapped at Sarah and she shot it. Early reports say it only suffered a hair line fracture.

Does anybody else think the Viagra commercials are as dumb as I do? Their slogan is, “The Age of Knowing.” They have a guy driving down the road and his car over heats so he stops and puts water in it. Wow, is that brilliant or what? Who would have ever thought to do that? What I am really surprised about is they haven’t used Jesus as their spokesman. I mean who could better represent “Resurrection” and “The Second Coming.” Plus you can make some great rhymes with erections and resurrection.


Today's good read is Ghost Country by Patrick Lee.  This is a real page turner and one of the best Sci-Fi thrillers I have read in a while.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Observations And Oddballs

So Rush (I am living proof that drugs cause brain damage) Slimebough has decided that Texas Governor Slick Rick (I may be hair-brained but I have a great hair-do) Perry is the most qualified candidate for President.  First of all obviously Rush doesn’t live in Texas and secondly what a dumb move for the Republican Party.  Icky Ricky, serial politician, has practically no name recognition outside of Texas and the Republicans would carry Texas if Charles Manson was the nominee.  Let’s hope ole “Hair-do” throws his hat into the ring.  I would love for the national press to take a good look at what’s been happening in this state for the last eleven years.  

Wow, a different kind of Tea Party candidate has jumped into the running of the 45th Presidents Cup.  He is Harold Cain and he says he supports a strong national defense, opposes abortion, backs replacing the federal income tax with a national sales tax and favors a return to the gold standard.  Oh I’m not talking about that, that’s the same ole crap all the other Tea Partiers yammer about.  What I mean is, he is unlike anybody in the Tea Party.  He’s black

So Nitwit Gingrich has released a statement saying, “Any ad that quotes anything I said is a falsehood.”  You know, I believe he is right.  I don’t think Nitwit has ever said anything that was the truth.

The prison is Sugar Land known as the Central Unit is closing.  You know the state’s economy is in bad shape when you start laying off prisoners.

The wife of Strauss-Kahn’ the IMF chief who has been arrested on rape charges said, “I don’t believe for a single second the accusations of sexual assault by my husband.”  Isn’t that what Maria Shriver said in 2003 when Arnold was running for Governor?  Is this a page from the “Stand By Your Husband” manual or what?

Did you see the story about the woman who found a kidney donor for her mom on Facebook?  That is really cool.  I have come across a number of ladies who were willing to rent out certain body parts for a short period of time but never any donors.

One of my readers asked me, what position did the mother of Arnold’s love child perform in the Schwarzenegger household?  I believe she worked on his staff in the missionary position.

Harold (two strikes) Camping released a press statement saying the Apocalypse has been called off again.  He said that Jesus phoned and said that now they have hired Ashton Kutcher to take over Charlie Sheen’s role, he wants to see how the new season turns out.

Beer commercials have always depicted their customers as dumb but the new Busch ads have taken it to a new level.  It seems that their customers don’t have enough sense to know when the beer is cold, so Busch has a little label on the can that turns blue when the beer is cold. I can see a bunch of my old drinking buddies sitting around an ice cooler.  “Hey, is it cold yet?”  ….”Nope, the label hasn’t turned blue.”  “Damn. I’m thirsty”.

Conservative talk show host Michael Savage has been moaning and whining about why conservative talk show host like Rush, Beck, Sean Hannity  and himself never get invited to give commencement speeches at colleges.   Could it be that no one gives a shit about what ya’ll have to say?


Stay tuned for future adventures.