The Great American Asshole

Wayne (Shoot First and Ask Ques….Oh To Hell with the Questions) LaPierre, Chief-Dick-Head of the NRA (National Rabid Assholes) said in a speech last week why America is the greatest country in the world and why he loves it so much. . He said, "We know, in the world that surrounds us, there are terrorists and home invaders and drug cartels and car-jackers and knock-out gamers and rapers, haters, campus killers, airport killers, shopping mall killers, road-rage killers, and killers who scheme to destroy our country with massive storms of violence against our power grids, or vicious waves of chemicals or disease that could collapse the society that sustains us all."  

He went on to say how the founding fathers, Smith & Wesson, Samuel Colt and Mr. Remington build this country on the principles of Lock & Load.  First you kill all the Indians and the buffaloes and then shoot anybody else that disagrees with you.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

I know I have talked about this before, but they run this commercial about every five minutes.  The Viagra commercial starts by saying “This is the age of Knowing.”  Then it shows some bonehead driving his pick-up truck which is pulling a large horse trailer full of horses into a giant mud hole where he gets stuck. One would think this dumb ass would KNOW better than to drive into this mud hole pulling a trailer with so much weight.  Later we see that he has the idea to pull the pick-up out of the mud hole with the horses. I am assuming that the lamebrain took a couple of Viagra pills and it made his brain bigger. Funny, I always thought the pills made some other part of his anatomy bigger.

I don’t know about you, but if I see a commercial for a pill that is 60 seconds long and they spend 45 seconds telling you all of the horrible things that can go wrong if you take it; I’m passing.

Then there are the car commercials where they are driving nine hundred miles an hour out on the salt flats of Utah.  How many people do you know that drive out on the salt flats of Utah?  Speaking of that, why build cars that can go 120 miles an hour when the speed limit is 70?

Has ABC morning or talks shows ever had a program that didn’t promote another ABC or Disney show? Dancing with the Stars just had Disney week on the show.  It’s a small world after all.

Don’t you love it when commercials try to pass actors off as real people and then you start seeing the same actors in nine different commercials?

And there are the commercials where the spokesperson for the company is an idiot, like the Sonic ads, or where the customer is an idiot, like all beer commercials. Don’t get me wrong, I find some of these entertaining, but it seems to me the not-so-subtle message is, “Hey you’re a dumb ass for buying our product.”

 

There were so many extremely stupid things said by extremely stupid people, ie Sarah (Half-Ass Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin, Rick (I need to be in a) Santorum and Wayne (Shoot First and Ask Ques….Oh to Hell with the Question) LaPierre at the NRA (National Rabid Assholes) convention this past week-end, that I decided to pass on any commentary. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

The Dumb Keep Getting Dumber

It’s all about timing.  Just when the world was learning what a liar and racist asshole Clieven (Cows Don’t Pay Taxes) Bundy really is and most Republicans boneheads have been trying to back track as fast as possible, good ole Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Integrity) Perry goes on Fox News and claims the Bundys were forced into the position of using force because it's the Bureau of Land Management that's acting outside the law.  I can’t believe this bonehead actually drug out the old abuser excuse: Look what you made me do.  I wonder if that is the excuse ole Ricky poo is going to give to the grand jury that is investigating him.

 

Just when I thought it was virtually impossible to out dumb Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am as Dumb as I Look) Gohmert.. This guy comes along.  Republican state assemblyman Ira (Don’t Have a Clue) Hansen said on the radio this week that Republicans could win support from new voters by embracing the “Pat Robertson wing” of the party. Everybody knows that the “Pat Robertson wing” is that area of the state mental hospital where they keep the most deranged inmates.

 

And then there is this guy. Republican state Representative Will (I Am Beyond Dumb) Infantine from New Hampshire who said that the wage gap exists because women don’t work as hard as men do. He went on to say “that men don’t mind working nights and weekends and they don’t mind working overtime or outdoors.”   I am not sure if this bonehead is married or not, but I think if he is, we should start a pool to see how long he stays married or for that matter, how long he stays alive.

 

Georgia’s Republican Governor Nathan (I Think I’m a Big) Deal has decided that everyone should be packing heat everywhere they go.  He has signed a law allowing any bonehead to carry firearms into bars, nightclubs, school classrooms, and certain government buildings that lack security personnel or devices.  What could possibly go wrong with that?  I understand the number one selling book in Georgia this week is “Guns for Dummies.”

Speaking of guns, here is this little gem my good friends, Maris and Doyle sent me.

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel. By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."

In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

And in Texas & Oklahoma he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."

The absolute best smack down of  the year so far was Jon Stewart taking apart Fox News blowhard Sean Hannity.  It was a brilliant piece of work.  If you missed it, it’s all over the net.  Check it out.   

 Stay tuned for future adventures.

Happy Hump Day

If this were dead-beat rancher Cliven (Cows Don’t Pay Taxes) Bundy, do you think all those bonehead militia jerks, Fox news blowhards and Tea Party morons would be raving about what a hero he is.  I don’t think so.  

The Boy Scouts of America have decided to close down a Seattle church troop for standing behind an openly gay leader, even after the organization revoked his membership.  I really can’t wrap my head around why they are so against gays.  It is an organization consisting only of boys and men hanging out together.  I mean it’s not Boys Scouting for Girls of America.

The Supreme Court has decided that lying in politics is ok.   Well sure, politics is just like liars poker.  The best liar wins.

Here is a fine example of your tax dollars at work. Texas Congressmoron Louie (I Really am as Dumb as I Look) Gohmert thinks Congress should pass a resolution directing the Sergeant of Arms of Congress to arrest Attorney General Eric (I Have Always Been Black) Holder. Let’s see Louie, when did you assholes pass anything?  After all, you are the most do-nothing Congress in history.

Evidently there are a lot of dissenters out there over Pope John Paul George and Ringo II being declared a saint this Sunday.  Hey anybody that can have that many hits on Billboard’s top 100 is OK with me. 

Ray ( I Have the I.Q. of a Grapefruit) Moore, a Republican candidate for Lt. Governor of South Carolina said at Tea Party gathering that Christians should remove their children from public schools and have them home schooled.  This is an old Southern Tradition known as “don’t get above your raising’” which means keep your kids uneducated so that they don’t realize just how ignorant mom and dad really are. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Some Things I've Been Pondering

 Which came first, the Bunny or the Easter egg?

Also are these topics discussed on prison talk shows?

• How to plan a prison break.

• Prison romance…Long term or one night stands?

• Tunnel digging techniques

• Lock picking techniques

• Tips on shank making

• How to carve a gun out of a bar of soap.

• Do stripes make me look thinner or fatter?

• How to decorate my cell to make it look bigger.

• Do I have to know how to spell conjugal to get a conjugal visit?

• Do you have what it takes to be a bully?

• Is prison food making you fat or just flatulent?

• What prison holidays do you celebrate?

• John Dillenger Day

• Al Capone Day

• Machine Gun Kelly Day

• Richard Nixon Day

• Dick Cheney Day

Mostly when I think of prison, I wonder why George Warmonger Bush, Dickhead (I’ll Shoot You in the Face) Cheney, Donald (Shockingly Awful Military Mind) Dumbsfield, Paul (The Wolf of War Street) Wolfowitz, and Condoleezza (I Really Want to be White as) Rice aren’t rotting in a dingy cell somewhere for their War crimes. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

An Open Letter to Cliven Bundy and All His Supporters at Fox News and in The Tea Party

Dear Boneheads,

It is obvious that you despise the Federal Government and appear to be looking up to the ideals of Government hater Timothy (I Kill Children) McVeigh.  So here is my suggestion. Since there really aren’t very many of you, I mean in the scheme of things out of the 360 million people who live in the United States, you so small in number that you are completely insignificant, you can all move to Clark County where the Bundy ranch is located. There is no need for you to be thinking of seceding from the USA because we are evicting you.  Clark county Nevada will no longer be a part of the United States therefore you will receive no federal funds of any kind.  No Medicare or Medicaid, Social Security, Federal aid or ranch and farm subsides, postal service or any other Federal aid or assistance. Of course anything you wish to sell to the United States will have to come under foreign trade laws.  Also there is no need to build a fence around Clark County, anyone caught coming to the United States will simply be deported back to Clark County like any other illegal immigrant.

Since you are simply a bunch of boneheads who have decided that you don’t have to live by the laws of the United States and not an actual country, we will act as if you do not exist. Have a happy carefree life.

Yours truly,

Rod Tanner.

    

 Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrrrumph Day

 Here are this week's Humps.

A Louisiana House committee voted 8-5 last week to recommend a bill that would make the Bible Louisiana’s first-ever state book. Gee I wonder which version they will use since there are 233 different English versions of the Bible on the market today.  They almost named Winnie the Pooh as their first state book a few years ago, but decided against it because they thought it was about gay people.

Oklahoma Governor, Republican Mary (Help Me, I’ve) Fallin must be kin to Governor Rick (All Hair, No Integrity) Perry since she also seems to have a total disregard for the working folks of Oklahoma. She just signed a law preventing cities in Oklahoma from raising the minimum wage. Like their motto says, “Oklahoma is OK, Not Great, Not Even Good, Just OK.”

The Republican Party in Wisconsin will be voting on a proposal that gives them the right to secede.  Probably the first thing they need to do is learn how to spell secede.

And the biggest humps of all, the Senate which will take up legislation that would extend $85 billion in tax breaks that benefit some of the biggest corporations and wealthy individuals on the planet.  Companies like these who pay NO taxes at all:

Verizon Communications: Profits: $19.8 billion    Effective tax rate: -3.8%
General Electric: Profits: $19.6 billion    Effective tax rate: -18.9%
Boeing: Profits: $14.8 billion    Effective tax rate: -5.5%
NextEra Energy (North America’s largest solar and wind power operator, based in Florida): Profits: $8.8 billion    Effective tax rate: -2%
American Electric Power (Electric utility based in Columbus, Ohio): Profits: $8.2 billion    Effective tax rate: -6.4%
Pacific Gas & Electric (California electrical utility): Profits: $6 billion    Effective tax rate: -8.4%
Apache: (Houston-based oil and gas company): Profits: $6 billion    Effective tax rate: -0.3%
Consolidated Edison: (New York energy company): Profits: $5.9 billion    Effective tax rate: -1.3%
El Paso: (Houston-based energy company that operates the country’s largest natural gas pipeline): Profits: $4.6 billion    Effective tax rate: -0.9%
CenterPoint Energy (Electric and gas utility company based in Houston): Profits: $3.1 billion    Effective tax rate: -11.3%

Stay tuned for future adventures.

New Week, Same Ole Stuff

Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Integrity) Perry is under investigation into whether he withheld money from the Travis County District Attorney’s office. Seems he has decided that he needs legal representation.  I understand he tried to hire Saul Goodman, but was informed that since Breaking Bad was no longer on the air, he wasn’t available.

Cliven (Cows Don’t Have To Pay Taxes) Bundy is the cattle rancher who has been grazing his cattle on Federal land for over twenty years without paying a fee, even though 16 thousand other ranchers do, is in a stand off with the Bureau of Land Management. I am told his sons, Hoss, Little Joe and Adam were there to back him up. Of course his youngest son Ted, convicted serial killer, wasn’t there as he had been executed in 1989.

Iowa Governor Terry (I Have God on Speed Dial) Brandstad has signed a proclamation that eliminates separation of church and state. He believes the Bible overrides the Constitution.  I am pretty sure he also believes the earth is flat and is the center of the Universe.

Republican Congressmoron from Tennessee Marsha (I’ll Show You Dumb) Blackburn is the new Michele (I Am Happy and My Husband is Gay)Bachman.  After the Republicans blocked the Paycheck Fairness Act last week, Marsha went on the TV yesterday and said, “It is Republicans that have led the fight for women's equality.”  I think she probably meant to say the Republicans have FLED the fight for women’s equality.

This sign may explain why Congressmoron Louie (I Really am as Dumb as I Look) Gohmert is after Attorney General Eric (I Have Always Been Black) Holder.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

I See Dumb People

Hey look, Iowa has a Rick (All Hair, No Integrity) Perry clone.  His name is Bob (I Have a Big Gun and a Tiny Brain) Quast and he is running for a Senate seat.  He has an ad running where waves a gun around and says he will "blow your balls off."  The gun in the ad is Glock, but he says he really prefers a .45 because it matches his I.Q.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier blew past Noah at the box office this week-end which says that the movie going public had enough fantasy and was ready to get back to real life.  

Former Presidential wannabe, ordained Southern Baptist minister and currant talk show blabber Mike (All-Around Huckster) Huckabee had this to say in a speech the other night. He said, “Men like to hunt and fish with other men and women like to go the restroom with other women.”  Any doubts why this bonehead didn’t make President?

When told of a report on the disparity of women by 72% to 28% on Sunday morning talk shows, Cokie (It really is CooCoo) Roberts said, "I haven't noticed it.”  Obviously Cokie hadn’t noticed it was 2014 instead of 1814.

And in the race for who can be the absolute stupidest talk show host on the planet, I believe the winner could be Joyce (Am I on the Air?) Kaufman of Florida.  In interviewing Kris (I Believe People from Mars May Be Voting in Our Elections) Kobach, Kansas Secretary of State who blathering on about the horrible voter fraud going on with survivors voting under dead people’s names, Joyce said, “I can’t imagine how many widows are voting for their dead husbands.”  Huh? I really haven’t heard of thousands of little old ladies dressed up like their dead husbands to vote being arrested. I guess I haven't been paying attention. 

Louisiana Congressmoron Vance ( Pucker Up) McAllister is under pressure to resign after the married big-time family values Republican was caught on video kissing one of his staff members. I don’t know why the Republicans are so upset. After all he was kissing a woman. 

Stay tuned for future adventures

Mid-Week Blahs

I haven’t written anything this week because I am really bored with making fun of politicians, preachers and just really dumb boneheads who say and do so many stupid things.  There is so many of them that it is just too easy, but this little item caught my attention because it happened right where I live.

Seems there was a woman here in Lufkin that was upset with her drug dealer because she thought the pot she had purchased from him was sub-par and she wanted a refund on her money.  He refused so she called the police to complain. They came right over and wanted to see the pot which she produced and they immediately arrested her. Funny how things just don’t go your way sometimes.

The reason I brought this up is that I have been puzzled ever since we moved here as to why folks up here have voted for Congressmoron Louie ( I Really Am as Dumb as I Look) Gohmert five times.  This incident may shed a little light on some people’s I.Q. level here in East Texas.

I think I will head back outside and enjoy Mother Nature’s sunshine and do a little more spring planting.  

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Mo Money

So it seems the Supreme Court believes in The Golden Rule. You know, the one that says he who has the gold, rules. Now there is no limit on how much individuals can give to political campaigns.  In other words, the 1% can pretty much buy themselves a personal candidate.

              

The bottom line is it puts the pressure on us to really check out the candidates running that we get to vote for because money on both sides will put out ads that are misleading or all out lies.  As much as this pisses me off because I think it makes for a unfair playing field, I have to remember that no matter how much money the Koch (Roach) Brothers or Sheldon (I'll Buy That) Adelson throw at certain candidates to buy ads on TV and all kinds of other stuff, they can’t buy my vote.  It ain’t for sale

 

Last week I said that the Westbury Baptist church who asked people not to protest the funeral of their leader Fred (Thank God He’s Dead) Phillips should get the Gall of the Year award, well here is the runner-up. He is Congressmoron James (Money For Nothin’) Moran, Democrat from Virginia.  He thinks the folks in Congress (Most of which are millionaires) are underpaid and is introducing a bill to raise their salaries.  Boy, here is your tax dollars at work. 

 

Republican Senaterrible Dan (Wrong Way) Coats of Indiana delivered an opening speech, followed by a question about the Defense Finance Accounting Services’ system in a hearing he was attending when one of Coats’ staffers handed the senator a note. It seems he was in the wrong hearing.  He said later, “I saw some familiar faces and I thought this is where I should be.” Where this bonehead should be is somewhere other than Congress.

. 

 

Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry is refusing to comply with the federal prison anti-rape law. Once again our fair Governor, instead of showing leadership, is showing his ass.  No pun intended.

 

The College of Charleston has been on a campaign trying to attract more minority students, but evidently their board of trustees didn’t get the memo. They just selected Republican Lt. Governor Glenn (The South Will Rise Again) McConnell to be the next president of the college. Ole Glenn is a big time civil war re-enactor and for years fought to keep the Confederate flag flying over South Carolina’s capitol building.  I believe this is a picture of ole Glenn in his younger days.

 Stay tuned for future adventures.

April 1st...2014

Here are all of the fools I can think of