Texas SlimeMachine

Texas Congressmoron Steve (I Don’t Have a Clue) Stockman is so stupid even the Tea Party doesn’t want him.  The Texas Legislature’s tea party caucus advisory committee have written little Stevie a letter telling how they feel about him.  They wrote, “We disavow your lack of accessibility to the people of Texas during this campaign and these unethical activities,” and they went on to say, “Your actions have disqualified you.”  Wow, when you are too unethical for the Tea Party boneheads that is saying something.
Stevie started the year off with a bang by missing 17 straight House votes.  Yessir, your tax dollars at play.

Texas Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am as Dumb as I Look) Gohmert told a group of  Tea Party faithful in Washington D.C. this week that they were, “the answer to my prayers.”  And here I was so sure that ole Louie had been praying for a brain. Oh Well.

 The airwaves here in East Texas have been so inundated with Republican candidate ads the last two weeks, the EPA has issued a Pinocchio alert.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Hump Day

Hump of the week or I should say Humpette is Kesha (Stepford Wife) Rogers. 

 Kesha is running for the US Senate here in Texas and says she is a Democrat, but that is a big fat lie.  She is a card carrying member of the Lyndon LaRouche cult  which means she’s really a nut job…. I’m talking A-1, full tilt wacko.  This boneheadette makes Steve ( I Don’t Have a Clue) Stockman look sane.

Honorable mention humps:
Texas Attorney General Gregg (Hell on Wheels) Abbott has responded to criticism for including Ted (I Have a Great Big Gun and a Tiny Brain) Nugent on his campaign trail.  Abbott said that he never looks back, only forward. After being paralyzed from a tree falling on him, you would think the dumbass would look up.  Anyway, Little Teddy, better known as “Nuge, the Stooge” (I understand that is a nickname his parents gave him), who has publicly admitted to having sex with underage girls, said that being on the campaign trail was lots of fun because the political groupies were almost as hot as the rock groupies.

 Jack (Is My Nose Growing?) Burkman is a Washington lobbyist. Jack says he is worried about the “morals and values” of our country so he is drafting a bill that would ban gay athletes from being in the NFL.  I am laughing so hard I can hardly type.  First of all, he is a lobbyist so “morals and values” aren’t even a part of his vocabulary.  Secondly, does he really think there are no gays in the NFL?  Not only is this guy a big fat liar, he is incredibly stupid. I am shocked he is NOT running for some public office in Texas.


The entire state of Arizona.  The Republican legislature in Arizona has been clamoring to build a wall along their border for some time now and the more I have thought about it, I think they are half-right.  I think the thing to do is build a wall around the whole state and throw away the key.  

And all of the Republican legislatures around the country trying to pass laws that discriminate against people they don’t like by calling them “religious freedom laws.”  What a crock.  What they mean is freedom for THEIR RELIGON, not anyone else's. It is the same ole song and dance they have done for years about not having prayer in school.  Bullshit, kids can pray all day long, they just can’t do it over the PA system.  They just want THEIR PRAYERS in school.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Morning Quarterback

There was a time when being a conservative wasn’t a bad thing in my mind.  I have had a number of close friends through the years that considered themselves conservative and there were very few things that we actually disagreed on but that was before the Republicans got taken over by the religious right and the Tea Party. 

Today when I hear someone say he or she is a conservative, I automatically assume they are intolerant, ignorant, and racist because that is all I hear coming out of the Republican Party.  The good news is that intolerant, ignorant racists have always been on the wrong side of everything in history. Along the way they may have won a few battles but in every instance they have always lost the war.  All of the things that were going to end the world if they came to past, like women’s suffrage, civil rights and gay rights have proven the conservatives were wrong.

George Warmonger Bush is promoting an initiative to help veterans.  Ole George who started the Shockingly Awe-full war in Iraq now wants to help the veterans.  "I have a duty," Bush said in an interview that aired on Sunday on ABC's "This Week." What an asshole.  George, you had a duty not to send soldiers unnecessarily in harms way. Don’t get me wrong, I hope it does help the veterans because they deserve all the help they can get, but I sure as hell don’t trust this jerk to do anything for the right reason.  I have the feeling all he is trying to do is salvage some of his crappy legacy. 

Primary elections are coming up here in Texas and the airwaves are filled Republican candidates spewing how much they love God, how ultra-conservative they are and how everyone of them are fighting Obama no matter what office they are running for. I saw an ad for a guy running for dog catcher and he said he would fight Obama tooth and nail.  Seems like a bit much.  

NASCAR nation is happy.  Dale (I'm a Rocket Man) Earnhardt Jr. won the Daytona 500 yesterday.  The race lasted all day because they had a six and half hour delay because of rain.  You know if they wouldn't have that problem if they would just put windshield wipers on those cars.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

T.G.I.F

There is a local moving company in town called Galaxy Movers. I called them up and told them I was thinking about moving to Mars and would like an estimate.

A church down the road from me is called the Greater Love Tabernacle.  I stopped the other day and told them I just wanted to look around.  I said that I had stopped at their truck stops many times and thought they were very nice.

  
Former Congressmoron Tom (Meaner Than a Snake and Twice as Dumb) DeLay oozed out of his dark hiding place to make this comment,  “that God created this nation and that He wrote the Constitution.”  No Dumbass,  people created this nation and they wrote the Constitution.  People who by the way wanted freedom from religious assholes like you. Tom, do us all a favor and crawl back under your rock.

Dan (I Used to be a Sports Nut, Now I’m a Religious Nut) Patrick who wants to be the next Lt. Governor of Texas says in his latest political ad that he is a Christian first, Conservative second and Republican third.  Sorry Danny Boy, I couldn’t disagree with you more. I have been watching your antics for years and you are first and foremost an IDIOT.  

Ohio has passed a couple of Republican sponsored bills that makes voting in that state much more difficult, especially for minorities.  Low voter turnout is how Republicans stay in office.  When everyone votes; Republicans lose.

Arizona has passed a law making it legal to discriminate against people they don’t like.  What a great state: State of paranoia that is.





 Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrrumph Day

Hump of the week Gregg (Hell on Wheels) Abbott who wants to be the next Governor of Texas is campaigning with washed-up rocker, all-around racist and total moron Ted (I Haven’t Got a Brain Cell Left) Nugent at his side. Need I say more?

Hump Elizabeth (I’m Not One to Judge) Coker filed this week to run for Polk County District Attorney.  Lizzy was a state district judge presiding over Polk, Trinity and San Jacinto countries until she had to resign this past year.  It seems Miss Lizzy was accused of unethical bias during court proceedings, including sending as many as 40 text messages from the bench to prosecutors.  She was also accused of tampering with witnesses and slipping into a jury room to tell those deliberating how to vote.  Yeah, you guessed it; she’s a Republican.

 Texas Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am as Dumb as I Look) Gohmert has started a new PAC to raise money to defend the Kochroaches (aka Tea Party) from attacks.  Here is the really good part. If you thought the attacks he is referring to are coming from Democrats, you have the wrong answer.  He needs the money to defend the Teaboneheads from his own party.  I am still laughing.

Just when I think Texas has the dumbest politics I see where a bill has been introduced in Kansas allowing teachers to spank kids hard enough to bruise and leave a mark. Oh yeah, physical abuse is a great teaching tool.  Don’t get me wrong, kids need to be disciplined, but there other methods than hitting them. And just to show that I am an equal opportunity critic; the bonehead who introduced the bill was a Democrat.

It seems to me that as much money and time NBC is spending on broadcasting the Olympics that they would have hired a few reporters that could actually conduct an interview without asking extremely dumb questions of the athletes.  You know like, “Now that you have injured your back and are in so much pain that you can’t compete, how do you feel?” My response would have been, “I feel like shoving that microphone down your throat.”

Michael (I Have a Tiny Brain but a Big Gun) Dunn the racist asshole convicted this week in Florida for killing a teenager by shooting into his car seven times because the kid was playing music too loud. Dipshit Dunn says he is the victim.  He used the ole abuser defense, “See what you made me do.” 

  Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Musings

Texas Senaterrible Little Teddy (Me,Me,Me, Look at Me) Cruz has decided since he did such a great job stopping Obamacare, that now he is going to stop same sex marriage. Ted says that the Bible tells us that a traditional marriage is between one man and one to three hundred women.  Next I understand Teddy is going to have the Law of Gravity repealed.

Texas Congressmoron Steve (I Really Don’t Have a Clue) Stockman is back in the headlines. Little Stevie is running to unseat Texas Senaterrible John (I’m Not Dumb, I’m Just Mean) Cornyn in the upcoming Senate race. Steve is suing Cornyn’s PAC saying that they ran lies about him being in jail multiple times in his life.  The problem is that little Stevie admitted in two interviews, one in a Dallas paper and the other in a Houston paper in 1995, that he had been in jail a number of times. Boy that selective amnesia can really bite you in the ass. 

Steve’s real problem is that as of the last filing in September, Cornyn’s campaign listed $7 Million in the bank and as of Dec, 31 Little Stevie had $47,000.  Steve sure as hell won’t get my vote for Senator, (neither will John) but he certainly gets my vote for Bonehead of the Decade.

Speaking of selective amnesia, it seems to be in the genes of Republicans.  They are so upset with the debt deficit and yet they totally ignore George Warmonger Bush’s Iraq and Afghanistan wars.  A new Harvard University report out says that the Iraq and Afghanistan wars have cost us 2 TRILLION dollars so far and will probably end up costing between 4 & 6 Trillion. Why this asshole is not sitting in a cell with his sorry asshole buddy Dick (I Really am a Dick) Cheney is beyond me. After all, ole George can’t even use the “Stand your ground” excuse because neither country had anything to do with 911.

Kentucky pastor Jamie (Have You Hugged Your Snake Today) Coots who did a reality show about snake handling has met reality head-on.  The snake handling preacher was bitten Saturday and is going to get to talk to Jesus personally to see what his views are on snake handling. 



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Happy Valentine Day

John, Paul, George and Ringo said it best.

                                                        All You Need Is

Tuesday was Sarah (Half-Ass Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin’s 50th birthday.   Sarah is still trying to make up her mind about how to celebrate the occasion.  

Shooting a moose

 Shooting pool

Or shooting off her mouth.

Michael (I'm Gay and I Can Knock Your Ass Off) Sam, the defensive end from Missouri, has really upset the applecart in football by declaring to the world that he is gay.  Funny thing is I haven’t heard one word from other football players but the sportscasters of the world are just beside themselves. Sportscasters evidently work under the same contract that governs Fox News reporters.  That is: continually exploiting controversy at all cost.  When there is none, make shit up.

I think the main reason all of this is going on is that Michael broke the unwritten rule of sports that one should always pretend he is not gay and we will pretend that we don’t know.

Of course the homophobes are coming out of the woodwork.  I have always found it amazing how most of the homophobic assholes I’ve ever known generally spend 99% of their time with other men and most of the talk is running down women.  I guess all this talk about homosexuality opens their closet door slightly and lets in a little light that shines a little too close to home.  

This comes under the heading The Emperor Wears No Clothes.  Richard (I May Be Fast on the Track, But My Brain’s in Neutral) Petty, the so called King of NASCAR, took his foot off of the accelerator and stuck it in his mouth this week when he said that he didn’t think Danica (Hell Yes I’m a Fast Woman) Patrick could win a race even if she was the only car on the track.  Too bad ole King Richard can’t run his mouth as well as he did a race car. 



Stay tuned for future adventures

WAR, What Is It Good For?,,,,Nothin'

I have wanted to write about a couple of things for a while but couldn’t decide how to start.  Finally I decided I would just jump in and see where it ended up.  Let’s talk about the “War on Drugs” which has obviously been a huge failure because there is a Walgreen’s Drug store on every corner with a CVS Pharmacy right across the street

First of all the name of the war was all wrong.  Instead of War on Drugs, it should have been “War on Drugs We Don’t Like” because there all kinds of drugs we do like. We love drugs like Alcohol, nicotine, Tylenol, Advil, percodan, vicodin , oxycotin and of course Viagra.  Viagra came out of another smaller lesser known skirmish known as the “Battle of Limp Dicks” but that’s another story. The drugs that the Government doesn’t like are cocaine, marijuana and heroin.

To have an all out war on something, you need to be a little more specific on what it is you are having this war about. Secondly, when you come up with a cute little catch phrase to carry your marketing campaign to the public, you need one that really nails down the seriousness of the problem, not one that totally demeans it like, “Just Say No.” How can anything be a really serious problem if all you have to do is “Just say No.”?

The other big war that has flopped is the “War on Poverty.”  One of the first and most important things we could have done and still haven’t done is pay people a living wage so they wouldn’t be in poverty.  But when the people who run the big corporations and their lap dogs in Congress who bow to their every whim are obsessed in scarcity; then it will never happen.   These people never have enough money, no matter how many billions they make every quarter; they don’t have enough to pay their employees a decent wage.  

I am surprised that they didn’t adopt the same lame motto of “Just Say No” since it worked so well with their drug war.  The real reason the “War on Poverty” hasn’t worked is because most of the politicians think that poor people are poor because they are lazy.  The right-wing nut jobs mantra is, “If they would just get out and get a job, they wouldn’t be poor”. Also the folks in power want to keep poor people poor because it keeps them from having the money or resources to make any significant changes to the status quo.


Bottom line is any time a politician declares war on anything; you can bet it will fail.   After all we haven’t won a war since 1945.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

I'm Just Sayin'....

This is what Texas Congressmoron Pete (I Could Be Dumber than Louie Gohmert) Sessions had to say on the House floor yesterday about voting against extending unemployment benefits. “I believe it is immoral for this country to have as a policy extending long-term unemployment benefits to people rather than us working on the creation of jobs.”

I thought that was one of dumbest things I’ve heard an idiot politician utter this year. Congress doesn’t create jobs.  Business creates jobs.  Congress’s job is to legislate and govern; two things that assholes like him don’t seem to know or care about.  The only thing that Congress can do is help people financially who are out of work and to not do that is immoral.  Unfortunately most of the imbeciles in D.C. are like him and get paid about $175,000 a year with great health benefits and retirement for doing nothing but taking care of their donors and kissing the lobbyist butts.  The last thing these boneheads care about is poor people.

Kudos to the CVS Caremark Corp. for dropping the sales of tobacco. It is stunning to see a major corporation do the right thing for a change instead of being like the Wal-mart and McDonald’s folk who still don’t have enough money to pay their employees a decent wage. 

Subway’s “Foot” long sandwiches have taken on an entirely new meaning.   It seems one of the chemicals used in their bread is the same that is used in making “Yoga mats” and the rubber in your shoe soles.  I understand Jared has just been rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. 

The entire nation will be gathered around the TV tonight to see if Russian President Vladimir Putin-on-a-Show will be wearing a shirt.  I understand he will be making his opening statements from inside his closet, uh office.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Extra, Extra. Read All About It.

And the big winner in yesterday’s Super Bowl: Las Vegas. Actually I think it would have been a much better game if the Denver Broncos had participated. 

According to all the tweets, Coca Cola proved without a doubt that racism is alive and well in the United States.

Personally I think they need to extend the Super Bowl pre-game show another 14 hours.  The five and half hours on Sunday weren’t nearly enough time.  They didn’t even get to detail the lives of the Cheerleaders, distant family members of both teams or fans.

Rumors are that Governor Christie was responsible for the passengers getting sick on the cruise ship out of New Jersey.  They say it was payback for people wanting to leave New Jersey to go on vacation somewhere else.

 Miley (How Do You Like My Birthday Suit?) Cyrus reveals in W Magazine that she has very few friends and clothes.   

Fox news blow hard Bill ( I’m Really a Bully) O’Reilly proved Mark Twains quote,  “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.”



Stay tuned for future adventures.