Black Friday

After seeing some of the brawls take place in retail stores around the country I understand that they are thinking of changing the name to Black & Blue Friday.  Of course the real blue comes on Blue Monday. That’s when the overwhelming depression of overspending crushes the bargain shopping high of Black Friday. 


Executive Director Larry (Small Penis, Big Gun) Pratt of Gun Owners of America recently warned unarmed Americans that he had found firearms in the Bible, and that he was sure it was proof that God was "judging" unarmed Americans and "blessing" the gun owners.  I believe it was in the Gospels of Remington. He didn’t say where you could find the 2nd Amendment in the Bible, but I’m sure it is in there somewhere.  

I do believe that East Texas does have the most churches per square mile than any other place in the country.  I think every third building is a church.  You would think that Jesus was from around here.  Anyway I spotted one the other day that had the motto “Where people come to life.”  Wow, a church for zombies.


Congress is well on the way to becoming the least productive Congress in modern history and I have full faith that they will achieve this dubious honor.  This little note needs to be tacked on every one of their office doors. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Big Bird Day

Well are almost to that special day of year when we get together with family and friends and gather in a circle holding hands. It’s a time to have a song in our heart and be light on our feet and it’s coming up this week  I’m talking National Square Dance Day.  We can swing our partners and “Dosado” til our hearts are content. It’s "Allemande Left” and “To hell with the right,”  plus it’s great exercise and fun for the whole family.  Remember the family that square dances together, sashays together.  It is the one time in your life that you can be there and be square.

Of course there is another special day coming up this week.  It’s Black Friday.  I just learned Friday after Thanksgiving is called Black Friday because it is the biggest shopping day of the year.  Wow, I always thought it was called that because after a horrible, awkward, sit-down dinner with your extremely dysfunctional family, you'd spent the next 12 hours slamming down tequila shots and beer backs.

In 1621, the Plymouth colonists and the Wampanoag Indians shared an autumn harvest feast that is acknowledged today as one of the first Thanksgiving celebrations in the colonies.  This is so weird because my first recollection of Thanksgiving is when I was either 16 or 21, (I’m not sure) and waking up in the back seat of a Plymouth with my girl friend Wampanoag after a night of  slamming corn mash whiskey and listening to the Cleveland Indians on the radio.

I thought now would be a good time to start thinking about all those things that I am thankful for.


1.  I am not a turkey or a pig. (I always thought it was better to eat than be eaten.)

2.  I am not the Mayor of Toronto.

3.  I am not a member of any political party or religious organization.

4. I am not the coach of the Houston Texans.

5. I am not related to Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Gregg Abbott, Rick Perry or any of the Kardashians.



                    But mostly I’m thankful that I get to sleep till noon a lot. 



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Birds of a Feather

On the left is crack smoking Mayor of Toronto Rob (Hey I was Drunk) Ford and on the right is crack smoking chairman of a U.K. bank Paul (Hey I was Bored) Flowers. I am pretty sure they share a family gene.

On the left is Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Integrity) Perry who thinks he raised his I.Q a few points by adding glasses and on the right is Rick’s clone, only sleazier, Texas Attorney General Gregg (Hell on Wheels) Abbott, the Mad Hatter of the Texas Tea Party.

On the left is the evil Mr. Burns of  The Simpson’s fame and on the right is Congressmoron Looney Louie (I’m as Stupid as I Look) Gohmert  who is a real life cartoon character.   

On the left is Sarah (Half-Assed Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin and on the right is Linda (Let Me Kiss It and Make It Better) Lovelace, porn star of Deep Throat fame. They both seem to have an oral fixation. 

'Delivery Man' debunked: Not just any guy can be a sperm donor 
Bill Briggs NBC News
This was the headline on MSNBC news over the weekend.  Note to Bill.  It’s a movie dumbass, not a documentary.   They just made it up. Why don’t you do some real investigative reporting?

A 13 year old boy in Dallas shot his 5 year old brother yesterday. The boy was not killed but is listed in serious condition.  I’m not sure if they were arguing over the second amendment or whether the 13 year old was exercising his “stand your ground” rights.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Follies

I saw a sign for a club in town that said, “Live DJ on Saturday nights”.  I’m assuming that on the other nights of the week they have a dead DJ.

Congressmoron Paul (We Need to Get Rid of All the Poor People) Ryan is at it again. He believes the biggest problem for poor people is the existence of government programs that give them money and health care.  He wants to cut all of these programs.  He went on to say,” Spiritual redemption: That’s what saves people.”  In other words, pray that you don’t get sick or starve to death. I’m not sure what section of the Bible says it is a sin to be poor but it must be in there somewhere.

I wonder who George (Quick Draw) Zimmerman is going to kill next and not if, but when.

Here is a real oxymoron for ya.  Texas Board of Education.

OMG, the Senate invoked the “Nuclear Option” on confirming nominees.  How will we ever live through it?  At least that’s what the media wants us to think.  What a crock, you can’t get the politics more polarized than what they are now and maybe, just maybe they can get a little business done.    


Stay tuned for future adventures.

Some Things To Ponder

Why do they have judges on Dancing with the Stars?

Why haven’t the Cheney family been invited to be on Family Fued?

Why are mega-church’s exempt from paying taxes?

Why do today’s Republican wackos repeatedly invoke Ronald Reagan's name when slamming President Obama and today’s policies?


•    Reagan raised taxes eleven times as President.

•    Reagan legalized abortion as Governor of California.

•    Reagan supported gun control.

•    Reagan raised the debt ceiling 18 times.

•    32 convictions in his administration during 8 years.

•    HUD Scandal 16 convictions   8 billion in taxpayer money lost
•    Ira-Contra scandal 14 convictions

•    S & L scandal over a trillion taxpayer dollars lost

•    Supply side (voodoo) economics.

•    130 separate investigations against the Defense dept contractors.

•    Record deficts.

•    And of course the decisions made by Nancy’s astrologer

They have freed the San Antonio 4 but what about the Indianapolis 500?




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Halloween Maybe Over but There Are Still Some Scary People Out There

There has been a lot of talk over the last couple of years about the 1% and the 99%, the growing gap between the rich and the rest of us, but there is another percentage group that I think is a much bigger deal. That is the 9%.  If you are wondering who the 9% are, I’m going to tell you. I’m not exactly sure who they are but they are a really scary bunch.  They are the ones who think that Congress is doing a good job. 91% of Americans think that Congress is doing a lousy job, include me in this group, and then somewhere scattered around America there are the 9% who think everything is just fine. Do these boneheads live under a rock? Are they like cicada’s who only come out every 17 years?  Are they members of Al Qaeda or some other anti-American organization?

What is really scary is that I think they probably look like everyone else.  They could be the guy standing next to you in the grocery line or the woman in front of you at the post office.  Of course the upside is that at 9% you probably have a better chance of meeting a lottery winner than one of these goobers.

Another scary group around is folks who claim to be members of the Tea Party (aka Kochroaches).  They consist of low intelligence, highly intolerant, gun totting, scripture spewing assholes. The one good thing about these boneheads is that they are fairly easy to recognize.   

And then there are those humps who work at Rupert (I Hear What You’re Saying Because I Tapped Your Phone) Murdoch’s Faux News Channel. They scored a double whammy this week as the latest survey shows that the average age and I.Q. of their viewers is the same….65.


Former NFL quarterback Donovan McBad said yesterday that Jimmy Johnson was not an athlete.  Jimmy who won his sixth Championship title yesterday and is one of the greatest race car drivers ever trains by running triathlons.  I doubt if Donnie can spell triathlon.

 Former Illinois Gov. Rod (Hair-Brained) Blagojevich is headed back to court next month to appeal his corruption conviction.  I understand he is going to tell the judge he was a simply a victim of a really bad hair day. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Laughter Is The Best Medicine....Unless You're Sick.

Somebody told Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry that he need to change his image after last year’s Presidential run where he looked like a dufus, so he got himself a pair of black horn rimmed glasses.

Now he looks like a dufus with glasses.

Texas Senaterrible Ted (The Liar King) Cruz in an interview with Chris Wallace in front of a live audience said that he was against the government shut down which got a big round of laughs. I think maybe little Teddy is thinking of a career change to stand up comic.

Texas Attorney General Gregg (I Really Want to be King) Abbott who is now wanting to roll into the Governor’s office has released his campaign platform.  It does not contain one positive thing for any Texan. According to Texas Monthly “The Abbott proposals do not build one highway, they do not educate one child, they do not improve the health of one community. Abbott is doubling down on the tea party agenda.”  I doubt if ole Gregg saw the article since he gets all of his information out of “The Weekly Reader.”

The roll out of the new PlayStation 4 has been plagued with problems and I haven’t heard one complaint about it from the Republicans. I’m telling ya these boneheads don’t care about the important stuff.

House Speaker John (The Town Cryer) Boehner said yesterday that President Obama was wrecking the best health care delivery system in the world. My first thought when I read this is how is Obama wrecking the Canadian Health Care system, then I realized that he was talking about our health care system.

I think maybe John should do a little research before shooting his mouth off. Two different studies out this week show a very different picture.  These studies by the way go back 15 years or longer.  They show that Americans pay more per capita for health care than any other industrialized country in the world and we are sicker, die younger and are very unhappy with our system. I’m pretty sure Bonehead was talking about his health care plan which is first class and paid for by all of us taxpayers. 
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Stay tuned for future adventures.

What Day Is It?

How about these humps?

What we seem to have in abundance here in Texas is stupid (lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated) politicians who are voted into office by ignorant (lacking intelligence or common sense) voters.  A prime example is Texas Railroad Commissioner Barry( I Think I Can, I Think I Can) Smitherman who is now wanting to be the Attorney General of Texas.  Barry thinks that unborn fetuses would vote Republican. Actually I would tend to agree since fetuses do not have fully formed brains.

The former Vice-Chair of the Texas Republican Party, David (Part Time Moron, Full Time Religious Nut) Barton said recently that the disastrous floods, super storms and debilitating droughts have been brought on by God because of legalized abortions.  I can see where you could come to that conclusion if the weather only wiped out abortion clinics. 


Toronto mayor Rob (I’m Not Addicted to Drugs, I Just Like Them) Ford admitted during a heated city council meeting that he had bought illegal drugs in the past two years. He went on to say that he is a “positive role model for kids who are down and out.”  What, down and out of drugs?

A new pinhead to jump into the political scene is Kory (Full Time Gun Nut) Watkins. He likes to carry his assault rifle with him everywhere. I'm pretty sure he sleeps with it because I can't imagine anyone else going to bed with him.  Kory has decided to run against Texas Congressmoron Joe (Pollution) Barton because he says Joe is not conservative enough. Remember Congressmoron Barton is the idiot who apologized to BP for ruining their oil well with our salt water. Joe makes Michele Bachman look like a liberal so you can imagine what Kory’s political views are like. Sorta like looking at the world through a soda straw.       


The federal government has spent a $1 billion at airports on a TSA program called “SPOT” that profiles people who may be “bad guys” by talking to them. A report says that the program doesn’t work.  It seems if you ask bad guys if they are bad guys and are they going to blow up planes, they will lie to you.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Musing & Pondering

The number one SOB in Texas is Ken (Who Needs Evidence to Convict)Anderson, the former Austin District Attorney who withheld evidence and sent an innocent man to jail for 25 years.  Ken who most recently was a state judge will have to serve 10 days, that’s DAYS, in jail and pay a five hundred dollar fine. Let’s see, the man spent 25 years in prison and Ken is coughing up 500 dollars, I believe that is $20 a year. Boy that ought to teach him. 


By the way, Governor Rick (All Hair, No Integrity) Perry and Attorney General Gregg (I Only Want My Friends to be Able to Vote) Abbott are tied for number 2. 

I understand the Miami Dolphins are considering a name change.  Dolphins are not mean enough so they are thinking of going with the Miami Piranhas. Even legendary coach Nick (Either Do It My Way or Do It My Way) Saban couldn’t get a winning season out of this outfit.

All the media can talk about is Governor Chris (Inside I’m a Mean-Spirited Republican Just Like the Rest of Them) Christie and his landslide win for re-election for Governor of New Jersey.  What they seem to forget to tell you is that it was the lowest turnout for an election in New Jersey’s history.  When people don’t vote, Republicans get elected. Texas is a shinning example.

Did you notice how quickly Senaterrible Lindsay (The Mouth of the South) Graham came down with lockjaw after it came out that the 60 Minutes piece on Benghazi was full of lies? 

When Sarah (Half-Assed Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin was asked about Governor Christie on the Today this morning she said, “There is no Ronald Reagan on the scene today. If he were on the scene, that’s who I would put my faith in.” Well Sarah if he were on the scene today he would be a zombie.  Ole Ronald is deader than a doornail and so are his policies, but then so is Sarah’s political career.   





Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Follies

Sarah (Half-Ass Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin is off on a 15 day book tour next week promoting her ghostwriter’s new book, “Good Tidings and Great Joy”. She’ll be hitting major markets like Fort Campbell, Ky., and Fort Benning, Ga.  Not to mention a Costco in Plano, Texas and a Wal-Mart in Wausau, Wis.  Wow, I’ve seen week old unknown garage bands hit bigger markets than this.

The Miami Dolphins coaching staff decided that offensive tackle Jonathan (I’m Just a Big Ole Teddy Bear) Martin wasn’t mean enough so they asked guard Richie (What concussion? I’m Just Stupid) Incognito to toughen him up by calling Jonathan on the phone and yelling racial slurs at him. Incognito by the way has a bad reputation going all the way back to college which caused a number of teams to pass on him.

 Wow what a great plan? What could possibly go wrong….other than Martin quitting the team, Incognito being suspended and the coaches in hot water up to their eyeballs with the league?  I didn’t realize that concussions are contagious but they seem to be spreading to the coaching staff.

Then, there was the middle school coach in Portland, Oregon who was fired for taking the team to Hooters for their victory celebration after being told not to by the school and parents. Man, those Hooter addictions are tough to kick.

Speaking of addictions, Toronto Mayor Rob (It Wasn't My Fault, I Was Drunk) Ford who admitted last week that he had smoked crack while in a drunken stupor and this week is fading the heat from a video where he is threatening to kill someone, is considering going to rehab.  You think!  Boy, I’ll bet Gerald and Betty are rolling over in their graves.






Stay tuned for future adventures.

Mid-Week Headlines

It is pretty obvious that Kentucky Senaterrible Rand (Why Do You Think They Invented the Copy Machine) Paul has never had an original thought as he has been caught plagiarizing someone else words for the second time.

Here are some very intelligent words from down under. Former Labor foreign minister of Australia, Bob Carr said during a recent interview how much he liked Fox News. He said,   
"I am delighted because it is a textbook experiment in how to make the Republican Party unelectable. If you are running as a candidate for the Republicans, you must do Fox News and you must pander to the table thumpers. By the time the general election comes around the candidate is too right wing to get elected. I think it is delightful.”  
As Crocodile Dundee would say, “That’s a knife.”

Litte Teddy’s Pa, Rafel (Rhymes with Fidel) Cruz is back at it again proving that the banana doesn’t fall far from the tree.  During a presentation he made to the Dean Bible Ministries he told them what he thinks of evolution.  He said, "That’s why communism and evolution go hand and hand. Evolution is one of the strongest tools of Marxism because if they can convince you that you came from a monkey, it’s much easier to convince you that God does not exist.” Rafel doesn’t seem to realize that sometimes evolution is slower in some than others.  Obviously he hasn’t made it though the monkey stage yet.

Pope Frankie the Sissy is launching a new survey on his flock asking them their opinions on same sex marriage.  Here is my prediction, if the majority says its ok; you will see a flock of marriages among Priests. 

Houston Texans football stars were out yesterday driving senior citizens to the polling booths as opposed to Attorney General Greg (I Want to Make Sure Only My Friends Can Vote) Abbott who has been doing his best to drive senior citizens away from the polls.

Pop star Justin (Just Because I Can Sing Doesn’t Mean I Have Any Brain Cells) Bieber must have looked thirsty during his concert in Sao Paulo, Brazil this week because someone hit him in the head with a water bottle. Justin stuck out his lip and walked off stage without even thanking the person who generously shared his water bottle with him.





 Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Morning Quarterback

According to the latest polls Ted (Head Kochroach) Cruz is the leader of the Republican Party. This is probably the best news the Democrats have had in years. Let’s look back at some of the early poll leaders in Republican Party over the last few years.  There was Rudy Giuliani, Michele Bachman, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Rand Paul, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, Fred Thompson, John McCain and of course Sarah Palin. Talk about a who’s who of losers.

The LAX shooter was carrying a “manifesto” associated with the antigovernment “patriot” movement.  Hmmm, sounds like he was a member of the Tea Party.  After all the Tea Party mostly consists of illiterate, gun toting, racist wrapped up in the American flag and spewing biblical crap who couldn’t spell Tea Party if you spotted them the T and A.

It appears that 60 Minutes has egg all over its face, the large 4 egg omelet kind. Last weeks interview with a man who said he was a security officer who witnessed the attack has turned out to be all lies.  According to his official report that he turned after the attack, he wasn’t even there. Even Fox News turned this guy down after he wanted money. I mean if the boneheads at Faux News turned down a chance to slam Hilary and the White House, you know this guy was pulling a Cruz. 

Mitt (I Was Wrong, 51% Didn't Vote for Me) Romney said Sunday that President Barack Obama’s "fundamental dishonesty" on the Affordable Care Act has “put in peril the whole foundation of his second term.”  Wow, I guess that puts Obama’s third term in office in real jeopardy..

I just saw a headline that said, Man pepper-sprays a woman, steals her monkey.  Is that code for something?




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Much Ado About Very Little

There is no doubt that the roll out of the Healthcare website is a total fiasco but to watch the do nothing jerks in Congress posture and act so upset in front of the cameras is ridiculous. These boneheads who have done NOTHING and then pretend they are upset at something that isn’t working is a joke and for the Republicans who shutdown the Government because they hated Obamacare so bad to be pissed off because now it won’t work is really galling. I haven’t seen acting this bad since the last World Wrestling Championship.

One of the lamest was Texas Congressmoron Joe (I Voted for J.R. for President) Barton, who tried to make some goofy reference to The Wizard of Oz movie.  This is the bonehead who apologized to BP after they spilled about a gazillion barrels of oil in the Gulf.

The big difference between the Obamacare website and Congress is that the website will get fixed. Get the hook, time for them to go. The latest polls show that 63% of people would replace their own representatives.

It is also sorta confusing to see everyone so upset over all of the spying but didn’t make a whimper when the Patriot Act (the most un-patriotic legislation ever) was passed which gave NSA and every other agency carte blanche to do what ever they wanted. Thank you George Warmonger Bush and Darth Cheney.

I got a postcard in the mail today from The Texas Brain Institute.  They wanted to know if I had one. Evidently they have been reading my blog.





Stay tuned for future adventures.