Trick or Tweet

I always thought that the NSA stood for National Security Agency, but now I see it stands for Nosey Spying Assholes.

I spent many years in the music business so when I first read about The Jonas Bothers breaking up, one question kept running through my brain. Who are the Jonas Brothers?

Here are a couple of politicians who will be working in the federal system at a pay rate that they deserve. Former (R) Congressmoron from Arizona, Rick (Half-Ass Con Man, Full Time Convict)  Renzi was found guilty on 17 felony counts, including wire fraud, conspiracy, extortion, racketeering, money laundering and making false statements to insurance regulators and sentenced to 3 years in federal prison.
And former (D) Congressmoron Jesse ( I’m Not a Crook, I’m Just Stupid) Jackson Jr. who pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud, making false statements and mail fraud will serve 2 ½ years in federal prison.

I understand that the “Dancing with the Stars” show is considering a name change to “Popularity Contest with the Stars” since dancing doesn’t seem to count much.  Also long time DWTS Judge Len Goodman is taking another week off and filling in for him will be Cher.  I thought for sure they would bring someone who had some experience as a judge, like Judge Judy or Judge Reinhold. Maybe Judge Wapner, Judge Roy Bean or Judge Dredd.

Halloween is the favorite holiday for Republicans.  They don’t have to buy a costume to be scary.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

New Species: KochRoaches

If you were wondering why the Kochsuckers in Washington have been pushing so hard for the Keystone pipeline?  A new report shows that the Koch Brothers stand to make around 100 million dollars from it.


As I have said before the Tea Party bonehead members of Congress are now referred to in my brain as Kochsuckers because the whole idea for the tea party and support has been funded by the Koch Brothers.  So all those Tea Party morons are beholding to the Koch Brothers, as in be holding the Koch Brothers money in their bank accounts. The Koch Brothers spent a little over 2 million lobbying the Kochsuckers to shut down the government which the Kochsuckers did with glee and then scurried back into the dark.

So their leader, former ambulance chaser, Teddy (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz will now be known as the Head Kochsucker, no pun intended.  Now the people who vote and support these Kochsuckers are known as Kochroaches.

HeadKochsucker Cruz was pheasant hunting in Iowa this week end with Congressmoron Steve (Minor Kochsucker) King.  Little Teddy kept his reputation in tact by continuing to shoot him self in the foot all day.  Teddy was back in Iowa to sew a few for seeds for 2016.  I understand he already has a motto and it seems to be aimed at the Taliban voter.  It’s “Death to America’s Government”

Castro supporter Rafel ( Rhymes With Fidel) Cruz, father of the aforementioned Teddy (Head Kochsucker) Cruz might be even wackier than his son. Rafel believes his son was anointed by God to be a King.  Dear Rafel and family, there are 44 countries in the world that still have monarchs. America is not one of them.  I believe it would be best for everyone if the Cruz family would move their sorry asses to one of those countries. Thank you and have a nice day.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Halloweenies

There is a haunted house that has opened in Jacksonville, Texas that has a Christian theme.  I understand it is loaded with some really creepy scary people like Pat Robertson, Jerry Farwell, Rick Warren, Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker and Tammy Faye, Robert Tilton and of course their old favorite The Holy Ghost.

Here are the hottest Halloween costumes for 2013.  If you really want something creepy to scare the hell out of your neighborhood try The Ted Cruz or The Sarah Palin.  If you are going for laughs and want a cartoon figure, you need The Rick Perry.  Maybe the goofy buffoon is your cup of tea, The John Boehner should do. If you are into zombies, it’s The Tea Party or monsters then The Koch Brothers will do nicely. If jailbird or convict is your thing, The Lindsay Lohan is perfect. If you are into the creepy guy from Nightmare on Elm Street then you want The John McCain. And for the sexy trick or treater, The Miley Cyrus. It comes with a crane and a wrecking ball.

 The University of California policeman who stirred public outrage by pepper-spraying peaceful student protesters has been awarded $38,000 in worker's compensation for psychiatric damage he claimed to have suffered from the 2011 incident.  Seems to me the psychiatric damage should have been compensation enough.




 Stay tuned for future adventures.

Hump Day

 THE HUMP OF THE YEAR...So far.

Texas Senaterrible Ted (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz made a speech in Houston this week to his three rabid followers that sounded vaguely familiar.  He said, “Winning…. I have a different constitution. I have a different brain, I have a different heart; I got tiger blood, man.  I am on a drug, it's called Ted Cruz. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”  I’m pretty sure little Teddy’s newest speechwriter is Charlie Sheen.    


The F.B.I. is investigating death threats that Little Teddy has received in the last couple of weeks.   Ole Ted is self-destructing so fast that I’m pretty sure he is their main suspect. 


New poll out this week has good news and bad news for peabrain Teddy.  The bad news is that his approval ratings are down to 13%.  The good news is that he is still up 2 points on dog shit.   

 Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are engaged.  Kim’s first marriage lasted four years and her second try only made it 72 days. Las Vegas odds makers are saying that this time they expect her to file for divorce somewhere between the wedding chapel and the airport.

Diana Lohan was back in court for a hearing on her DWI charge. She explained that stress was the cause of the incident. That makes sense, she is the mother of Lindsay Lohan..

The World Series is underway again.  The United States and Canada seems to have a lock on this deal.  I can’t remember anyone from the rest of the world being in it.





Stay tuned for future adventures.

Somethings That Passed Thru My Brain and Came Out My Computer

Members of the Texas Federation of Republican Women at their State Convention in San Antonio this past week gave a standing ovation to Texas Senaterrible Ted (What Shut Down? I Got Paid.) Cruz.  I understand that they thought the main speaker was Tom Cruise.

Republican women.   oxymorons?

Liberals say “Live and Let Live”
Conservatives say, “Live My way or No Way.”

Republicans are great at “talking points.”  Too bad they are so bad at “thinking points.”

The Republican controlled House committee responsible for Obamacare oversight asked for expert advice on how to fix the glitches in the system.  I understand they wanted Sheldon Cooper to look in to it.

  
Here is what I have to say to the next idiot Republican Congressmoron who says I am here to see that we have a smaller government.  Dear Mr. Republican either quit or shut the fuck up.

Only in America.  No longer do you have to let your beard and hair grow long, get tattooed and take drugs to join a biker gang.  Enterprise leasing is now leasing motorcycles so your book club or bridge club can rent motorcycles for the week end and you can ride in a pact to harass tourist driving through your neck of the woods.

Why is it called a free market if nothing is free?

Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos lost a game.  The Indianapolis Colts lost Reggie Wayne for the year.  




Stay tuned for future adventures.

The Word Game

SEDITION
According to the US Code (18 U.S.C. § 2384 ), seditious conspiracy is a crime under United States law. The law states in part that:
“If two or more persons in any State or Territory, or in any place subject to the jurisdiction of the United States, conspire to… prevent, hinder, or delay the execution of any law of the United States… they shall each be fined or imprisoned not more than 20 years, or both.”
This is a word I think the Republicans should get to know well. 


BATTLE PLAN

The Republicans, led by Senaterrible Ted (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz and the House  Kocksuckers (aka Tea Party boneheads) say that the goal of the government shutdown was to help the taxpayers by boosting the economy and cutting government spending. That was their battle plan..  The reality is that they shot themselves in the foot, accomplished absolutely nothing and it appears that the cost will be around 24 BILLION dollars. What a fiasco.  I am pretty sure all of these assholes are direct decedents of General George Custer, one of history’s worst battle planners of all time.


BRIBE
And thanks to my friend Juanita www.juanitajean.com who is the best political writer on the planet. Here is the Texas bunch of Kochsuckers that voted for the shutdown and against re-opening the government and the money they received from the Koch Brothers.



Joe Barton       - $51,750
Kevin Brady      -  29,500
Michael Burgess  -  49,000
John Carter      -  37,000
Mike Conaway     -  39,500
John Culberson   -  48,000
Blake Farenthold –  21,000
Bill Flores      -  25,500
Louie Gohmert    -  28,000
Kay Granger      -   5,500
Ralph Hall       -   7,500
Jeb Hensarling   -  43,500
Sam Johnson      -  16,000
Kenny Marchant   -  22,500
Michael McCaul   -  33,000
Randy Neugebauer –  36,000
Pete Olson       -  30,000
Ted Poe          -  10,000
Pete Sessions    -  68,000
Lamar Smith      -  33,000
Steve Stockman   -       0
Mac Thornberry   -   2,000
Randy Weber      -  10,000
Roger Williams   -   3,000



TURNCOAT

Here are seven Democrats who decided to betray the Democratic Party.  They got in bed with the Republican boneheads on a bill that would prevent the government from reopening by anybody but Eric Cantor. I believe they prove the old adage, “Politics makes for strange bed-wetters.”
Ron Barber (AZ-2)
John Barrow (GA-12)
Dan Maffei (NY-24)
Sean Patrick Maloney (NY-18)
Jim Matheson (UT-4)
Mike McIntyre (NC-7)
Collin Peterson (MN-7)

ROCK HALL OF SHAME

The newest duo to be inducted into the Rock Hall of Same is Hall & Taylor.  No they are not in the music business, they are Boy Scout leaders and they are in deep trouble for destroying a rock formation in Utah’s Goblin Valley State Park.  Obviously these two boneheads didn’t read the part of the scouting hand book about “Leave no Trace” when scouting in the great outdoors. Tge scoutmasters said, "we were doing a good service. The rock was just an accident waiting to happen."  The problem is that the rock formation had been waiting 170 million years to happen.  I believe it would have waited a little longer.







Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrumph Day

The biggest humps of the day are the eighty House Kochsuckers (AKA Tea Partiers) who have held up the Government for the past couple of weeks.  You can tell the Kochsuckers from the other members as they all have that swarmy TV preacher look.  They usually have a condescending smirk on their face that says, “I groped the choir leader’s wife before I laid that hell fire and damnation sermon on ya.”

Now the folks who vote and support these boneheads are not called Kochsuckers.  They are called STOOPID.  You can pick these assholes out of crowd also.  They usually have a misspelled sign in one hand, a confederate flag in the other and a 45 strapped to their hip.  They also show a lack of empathy, brain cells and teeth.  

Local Dallas ambulance chaser and Texas Senaterrible little Teddy (Mad Hatter of TheTea Party) Cruz and Texas Congressmoron Louie (Single Digit I.Q.) Gohmert were caught having a secret session with 15 or 20 other conservative Republican House Kochsuckers at a Mexican restaurant this week. Talk about Dumber and Dumbest. These two boneheads couldn’t plot their way out of the men’s room with a road map and a satellite GPS system.

Texas Lt. Governor David (If You’re White, You’re Alright) Dewhurst and Congressmoron Steve ( I Haven’t Got a Clue) Stockman are the latest Republicans to drag out the impeach Obama crap.  Evidently they both believe that being black and winning the last election was an impeachable offense.

The folks in Palo Alto CA, are up in arms over the fire chief using the emergency broadcast system to announce a charity pancake breakfast. I had no idea people disliked pancakes that much.

I have often wondered how the Christian Right which is very conservative, reconciles that by any standard Jesus would be labeled a liberal. But then again, not much of anything they do makes much sense.




Stay tuned for future adventures.