IOWA: The Center of Nowhere

The Freedom Summit, better known as Annual Meeting of the Liars Club, was held in Iowa this week.  I am pretty sure with all of the bullshit that was spewed over the weekend; Iowa’s sea level height was raised by at least ten feet.

Sarah (Half Assed Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin seems to be getting the most attention. Her teleprompter froze sending Sarah into a trance where she rambled incoherently one long sentence until she hyperventilated, put a paper bag over her head and ambled off into the sunset.  I’m not too sure about the hyperventilating and paper bag part.

 Excommunicated Speaker of the Penthouse, Newt (Which is Short For Nitwit) Gingrich tried to revive the already debunked Right-wing wacko smear about Hilary Clinton and Boko Haram.  The truth is some TeaNut overheard a staff member saying that one of Hilary’s favorite groups was Procol Harum whose hit was “A Whiter Shade of Pale.”

Head TeaNut wacko who hosted this total waste of time and breath was Iowa’s Congrssmoron Steve (I Never Met a Immigrant I Liked) King topped everyone by uttering in middle of his remarks that Americans  “come from every possible planet.”  If I had to guess which planet little Stevie was from, I would say it would be Uranus.

Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry got heckled when he started speaking about immigration.  I assume they wanted him to migrate back to the Lone Star State.

Donald (Very Little Hair, Giant Ego) Trump told the fine folks of Iowa that he could have beat Obama in 2012 if he had stayed in the race. Yeah and I would have won the lottery last Saturday if I had picked the right numbers. I doubt little Donnie could win the super’s job at Trump Tower.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday, Monday

Here it is Memorial Day and time to remember our veterans. It is very sad that Congress doesn’t seem to be able to do that. 41 Republicans last week voted against a bill to extend veteran’s benefits. The bill of course failed.

 

Texas Senaterrible Ted (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz hears voices. Last week little Teddy said, “I just do what God tells me to do. He speaks to me. Literally. In my head.”  Just think how many poor souls who hear voices are in mental hospitals, but this asshole is in Congress.  Go figure.

Here is a grand example of a Christian leader. Reginald (Warden) Miller, the president and founder of Cathedral Bible College is being charged with using foreign students as slave labor.  He would threaten to cancel foreign students' visas if they did not work long hours for little pay. Sounds like a Republican to me.

I just saw a list of speakers for the Republican Leadership Conference to be held in New Orleans next week.  Herman (Nein, Nein, Nein) Cain, Sarah (Half-Ass Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin, Donald (Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow) Trump, Liz (My Daddy is a Dick) Cheney, Michele (I’m Happy but My Husband is Gay) Bachman, Rick( All Hair, No Integrity) Perry and Newt (Newt is Short for Neutered) Gingrich.  I think there must have been a typo; I believe they meant Republican Lemmings Conference.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Happy Limerick Day

Today is National Limerick Day.  This is the day we celebrates the birthday of Writer Edward Lear (1812-1888), and of course Limerick poems. Limericks were popularized by Lear in 1846 in his Book of Nonsense. 
So I thought I would bring you a few modern day Limericks.  Feel free to contribute your own, but please NO “There was a man from Nantucket.”

 The Governor of Texas is a man named Perry.
He thinks school children should be able to carry,
Not just books, but guns and ammo,
So they can walk around acting like Rambo.
Personally I think this is really scary.

Al Qaeda’s mass murder Osama,
Got a message from President Obama.
It was two bullets to the head
From Navy Seals who also said,
“By the way, screw your mama.”

There was a man from Georgia named Newt,
Whose wife number three is really cute.
He says he discovered Jesus and is born again,
And has been forgiven of his many sins.
Even for a politician, that is a  real beaut.

Arnold and Maria are separated after 25 years.
She was Champaign, but he was beers.
She smiled and said, “Hit the road, Jack,”
While he mumbled, “I’ll be back.”
It was all low key, practically no tears.

Poor Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.
She constantly screws up facts and then some.
Mostly she gives history a re-mix.
Thinks the Civil War was fought in 1776.
The fact is, she’s just plain dumb.

The Tea Party is so very upset,
About the looming National debt.
They watched Bush spend year after year,
Not saying a word or shedding a tear.
They may be the biggest hypocrites yet.



Stay tuned for future adventures

April 1st. National Politicians Day

Today is April Fools Day or as I like to call it, National Politician Day.  Today we get to talk like a politician all day.  It’s sorta like, "Talk Like a Pirate Day" except you get to "Talk Like a Politician."  You get to say things like this:

• “Hi, I’m Sarah Palin.  You can see Russia from my front porch.  I think that’s Russia, although it doesn’t look very red does it?  Anyway I also would like to go on record as saying I think Kim Jon il is a terrible dictator and I feel sorry for all the poor people having to live under his rein in North Dakota.”

• “Hello, I’m Michael Bachman, Republican Representative from Minnesota.  I would just like to thank John Quincy Adams for not only brewing a great beer, but for writing the Emancipation Proclamation freeing the Indians and for signing the Contract With America.”

• “Hi I’m Newt Gingrich, a true, family-values person and I have a number of families to prove it. I am currently on marriage number three and I’m still in the prime of my life, so who knows. I could break Larry King’s record yet.” 

• “Hello there, I’m George W. Bush and I would just like to say, fool me once and I might forget it, but fool me twice and I uh, let’s see, fool me twice and I er, uh ….I will be dubya mad.  Get it; I said dubya instead of double…Made that one up myself.” (Smirk and stupid head nod goes here.)

• “I’m Richard Nixon and I’m not a crook.  I’m a liar and a creep; you can tell that by looking at me, but I’m not a crook.  Crooks carry guns and wear a mask. Well, the Lone Ranger carried a gun and wore a mask and he wasn’t a crook, but he was the exception.  Although now that I think of it, his best friend was an Indian. Ok so I’m a racist, but I’m not a crook.”

• “Hey there, I’m Donald Rumsfield.  There are known knowns.  There are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns and then there is the fact that I know absolutely nothing about anything.  So no, I don’t know, but when you go to a press conference, you go with what you’ve got, or was that when you go to war?”

• “Hi there, I’m John McCain and I have served our country in every war since the Civil War and I'm proud of it. If fact I just got back from my third deployment to Iraq last night.  I would just like to say to all of the wonderful people of this great country, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE forgive me for introducing Sarah Palin to the world.  I’m not a maverick; I’m senile…Why else would I choose that pinhead to be my running mate?”

• “I’m Tom DeLay one of the most powe….what? ..Tom DeLay, that’s T  O  M  big D ..little e…What? No I’m not from Dallas…I’m from Sugar Land and I’m one the biggest Republican polit….What? No, I was House Majority Whip not Dip…Look I’m a really powerful…Oh forget it!  Just tell me which cell is mine.”

• “Hello, I’m Ronald Reagan, you probably remember me from TV or B-movies, but my real claim to fame is my supply-side economic policies which I called Reaganomics.  Of course they were a complete disaster for the country and led to the giant recession we just went through but I personally made a boat load of money.  Why do you think I called them “Reaganomics instead of Americanomics?”

• “Hello I’m Dick Cheney. Screw you.”

Stay tuned for future adventures.

A Biblical Event

There is a new translation of the Bible out.  The Bible by the way has been translated more than any book in history.  I guess one of these days they will finally get it like they want it.  Anyway the new American version is supposed to be more updated for the times.  Genesis now begins with “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…”

They say your ears never stop growing.  Methuselah must have looked like Dumbo.

Warner Bros, the production company that produces “Two and Half Men” fired Charley Sheen this week. Man I didn’t see that one coming.

I just saw this headline. The credit card of the future: It ‘talks to you.  I can imagine what mine will say.  “Please leave home without me” “Don’t touch me” “Are you kidding, you’re gonna buy that, lol”  “Are you nuts?”

Julianne Moore is set to play former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin in an upcoming TV film.  The film "Game Change," which follows John McCain's 2008 presidential campaign from when he chose Palin as his running mate through their defeat in the general election.  They are looking for someone age appropriate to play John McCain.  Word is Charlie Chaplin is the front runner.

Best joke of the week.  How much cocaine did Charley Sheen do?  Enough to kill Two and Half Men.  Wish I could take credit for that one.


And In The World of Smarmy Politics

Potential U.S. Republican presidential candidate Nitwit Gingrich told a Christian television network that he had sought God's forgiveness for a marital affair.  Now ole Nitwit cheated on both of his wives before marrying the current Mrs. (You’re my one and only and my third) Gingrich and since he said A marital affair,  I wonder which ONE marital affair was he looking for forgiveness and which one he didn’t give a damn about.

To give you an example how nice a guy ole Nitwit is, he told his first wife he wanted a divorce while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery.  He divorced his second wife after she learned she had MS.

Here is Nitwit’s excuse for having affairs. "There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate," said Gingrich.  Let’s see, ole Nitwit was so busy trying to screw the country he didn’t notice that he was screwing some one other than his wife. Yeah, this is a guy you want running the country.

I have noticed through the years that the preachers that rant the loudest about homosexuality are usually closet gays or having multiple affairs.  Also when someone continually tells me how honest they are, I find that they are likely to be liars and crooks.  So when I come across a conservative Republican that can’t quit raging about the deficit, the stimulus or how broke we are, I am pretty sure I know who spent the money,.

Here are a couple of examples. The award for the state that has the highest debt per person is Massachusetts.  Massachusetts endured several budget blows in the second half of the past decade, including a massive $15 billion construction project in Boston infamously referred to as the “big dig,” and a substantial health care reform package passed back in 2006 that added several hundred million dollars to the state’s budget. This is the health plan of former Governor Mitt Romney.

And the 2nd highest debt per person goes to Alaska.  Alaska’s expenditures go to education and public welfare programs, and indeed, Alaska spends more on public programs as a proportion of its overall GDP than all but one state in the country, which may go some way toward explaining how their debt has gradually increased.  Sarah doesn’t seem to remember this.

Between Nitwit, Mitt and Sarah, the Republicans are looking good…. I should have material for the next two years.

Stay tuned for future adventures