Today is April Fools Day or as I like to call it, National Politician Day. Today we get to talk like a politician all day. It’s sorta like, "Talk Like a Pirate Day" except you get to "Talk Like a Politician." You get to say things like this:
- “Hi, I’m Sarah Palin. You can see Russia from my front porch. I think that’s Russia, although it doesn’t look very red does it? Anyway I also would like to go on record as saying I think Kim Jon il is a terrible dictator and I feel sorry for all the poor people having to live under his rein in North Dakota.”
- “Hello, I’m Michael Bachman, Republican Representative from Minnesota. I would just like to thank John Quincy Adams for not only brewing a great beer, but for writing the Emancipation Proclamation freeing the Indians and for signing the Contract With America.”
- “Hi I’m Newt Gingrich, a true, family-values person and I have a number of families to prove it. I am currently on marriage number three and I’m still in the prime of my life, so who knows. I could break Larry King’s record yet.”
- “Hello there, I’m George W. Bush and I would just like to say, fool me once and I might forget it, but fool me twice and I uh, let’s see, fool me twice and I er, uh ….I will be dubya mad. Get it; I said dubya instead of double…Made that one up myself.” (Smirk and stupid head nod goes here.)
- “I’m Richard Nixon and I’m not a crook. I’m a liar and a creep; you can tell that by looking at me, but I’m not a crook. Crooks carry guns and wear a mask. Well, the Lone Ranger carried a gun and wore a mask and he wasn’t a crook, but he was the exception. Although now that I think of it, his best friend was an Indian. Ok so I’m a racist, but I’m not a crook.”
- “Hey there, I’m Donald Rumsfield. There are known knowns. There are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns and then there is the fact that I know absolutely nothing about anything. So no, I don’t know, but when you go to a press conference, you go with what you’ve got, or was that when you go to war?”
- “Hi there, I’m John McCain and I have served our country in every war since the Civil War and I'm proud of it. If fact I just got back from my third deployment to Iraq last night. I would just like to say to all of the wonderful people of this great country, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE forgive me for introducing Sarah Palin to the world. I’m not a maverick; I’m senile…Why else would I choose that pinhead to be my running mate?”
- “I’m Tom DeLay one of the most powe….what? ..Tom DeLay, that’s T O M big D ..little e…What? No I’m not from Dallas…I’m from Sugar Land and I’m one the biggest Republican polit….What? No, I was House Majority Whip not Dip…Look I’m a really powerful…Oh forget it! Just tell me which cell is mine.”
- “Hello, I’m Ronald Reagan, you probably remember me from TV or B-movies, but my real claim to fame is my supply-side economic policies which I called Reaganomics. Of course they were a complete disaster for the country and led to the giant recession we just went through but I personally made a boat load of money. Why do you think I called them “Reaganomics instead of Americanomics?”
- “Hello I’m Dick Cheney. Screw you.”
Stay tuned for future adventures.
