Party Animals

As Mark Twain once said, “Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one,” or was it Shania Twain?…Anyway here is my opinion on one of the biggest problems in our country today:  Politics and our so called two-party system.

Now before you start telling me there is more than two parties: No, there’s not.  The Tea Party is simply a bunch of disgruntled Republicans who lost some money in the stock market and are pissed about it.  The Libertarians are a bunch of Republicans who are more paranoid than Darth Cheney and are afflicted with the Ebenezer Scrooge Syndrome.  Tiny Tim can hobble along on his crutch the best way he can.  The Green Party are woodsy Democrats who like to go camping and please, don’t even get me started on the Presbyterians.

I believe our two-party system is a private party and the public is not invited.  The political parties were originally created for communication.  It was a way to spread a message or ideas pre-telephone, radio or TV.  Now with the internet and all of the social media networks and 24 hr news on TV, there is no need for the party system. 

Being a member of one our political parties has virtually no benefits unless you are a politician or work for a politician. You don’t get a discount at hotels, airlines or rental cars.  There are no Republican or Democrat coupons for the grocery store and your car doesn’t get any better gas mileage.

The real scam of the party system is that the idea or message that they preach to get you into their party seems to go out the window the minute they are elected.  History has shown once the Republicans got into power they spent money faster than the Democrats.  Even the word party doesn’t fit.  Do you see any body having fun?  I mean other than the politicians, the people who work for them and the lobbyist are the only ones yucking it up at happy hour at taxpayers expense.

Politics is a team sport.  Charisma mixed with a little bullshit can get you to the top of the pile but you actually can’t change anything by yourself.  It’s sorta like sending your star quarterback out on the field while his linemen sit on the bench.

The prevailing wisdom in Washington is to get along and go along. Once elected, a politician’s primary agenda is to get elected again.  Everything else is secondary.  I believe that 98% of all the decisions made in Congress are based on self-serving political reasons; what is best for the party and what is best for their career.  1% comes from some knee-jerk far right wing-nut job and 1% come from some far left dip-shit who hasn’t got a clue to how the real world works.

I think that there are occasionally a few people who get into politics for the right reason. They think that they can do the right thing for their constituents and make big changes, but soon find out they have no voice or clout. Think of the kid who gets sent to prison because he either made a stupid choice or was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Do you think he comes out (A) a better person and rehabilitated or (B) a harden criminal?  I’ll bet on B every time.

Every Senator and most of the Representatives are millionaires.  The vast majority are white males.  They have a wonderful health plan and their retirement is guaranteed; do you think they really can relate to the working guy or out of work person who is simply trying to put food on the table and keep his kids in school?  I don’t think so.

This is the case even with people who grew up poor and now find themselves with money and power.  Paul Ryan, House Republican from Wisconsin is a perfect example. Paul was sixteen years old when his father died of a heart attack at age 55.  Paul began collecting his Social Security survivor's benefits until age eighteen, which he saved for college tuition and expenses.   Now Paul would like to make major changes to the system that put him through college. What a guy!

I do not believe that the founders of this country ever intended for public service to be an occupation.  I think public service is a duty that responsible people choose to do for a short period of time and then return to being productive citizens.

Maybe if we sent enough folks to Washington who had no ties or affiliations with a political party and they knew they were only going to be there for a short period of time instead of a lifelong career, they might work together for the good of the country.  I have no idea if this could work but it certainly couldn’t be any worse than it is now.  




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Sarah's Bust Tour

Sarah Palin will embark on a one nation tour of historical sites this weekend that were key to the formation, survival and growth of the United States of America. Sarah says she will begin her trip in Washington D.C. where Lincoln gave his famous Gettysburg  address freeing the American Indians.

Then she is traveling to Philadelphia to see where Quasimodo rang the Liberty Bell so hard that he cracked it.  She said she is also going by Ben Franklin’s house to see where he invented electricity.

From there Sarah said she will go to Boston and the Old North Church where Paul Revere & The Raiders recorded “Just Like Us” and “Kicks,” and then down to Plymouth Rock to visit where Christopher Columbus ran the Mayflower ashore and opened the first Pilgrims Cleaners.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Also a two-hour film about Sarah Palin’s governorship will debut in Iowa next month. Coincidentally that is just about how long she was Governor

Mitt Romney is expected to announce he is running for President of something next week.  I’m not sure if it is President of Utah or the United States. At this time, Romney leads most national GOP popularity polls. I think that has to do with the way the question was worded on the poll. It asked if all the Republican candidates suddenly came down with the plague, who would you give the antidote to? 

So Paul Ryan and the Republican Party are saying that Democrat Kathy Hochul used scare tactics about Medicare to win the New York House of Representatives seat this week.  Let’s see, this is from the party that came up with “Death Panels,” “Rationing for the elderly,” and     “Obama’s birth certificate”  

Phoenix Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who calls himself “America’s toughest sheriff,” may have to change his name to “America’s dumbest sheriff.”  Three of his employees have been arrested on drug and human trafficking charges. Marcella Hernandez, a detention officer, said she is eight-months pregnant with the child of the alleged drug ring's leader.  Sounds like she was working undercover…or was it under the covers?

Grimsvotn, Iceland’s most active volcano erupted this past Saturday.   The Icelandic government has been understandably worried about the eruption’s impact on the tourism business but so far all nine tourists confirmed they were still making the trip.

 
This quote from a movie reviewer  “Second 'Hangover' feels awfully familiar” ….YOU THINK..

 Yesterday Congress voted to extend The Big Brother Patriot Act.



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Harrumph Day

Looks like the Republicans are starting to send in the big guns, or is it clowns. Tim(talk about bullshit, I’ve got) Pawlenty, former governor of Minnesota, has announced he is running for President.  He said, "I'm going to take a different approach. I am going to tell you the truth."  Here are my thoughts on that statement.  Anytime you have to tell people you are telling the truth, you are probably lying.  The honest person automatically thinks you think he is telling you the truth. 

One thing for sure about Tim (talk about bullshit, I’ve got) Pawlenty, is that if you happen to be poor, abused or orphaned because you were unlucky enough to be born to bad parents, don’t expect any help from him.  Here is quote from Tim in 2001 when he was a member of the Minnesota House of Representatives. "Children who are victims of failed personal responsibility are not my problem, nor are they the problem for our government.”  Of course he is Pro-Life, he just doesn’t care if you have a very good life.  Just another Compassionate Conservative at work.  

He also said on the Today show. “I’ll bring the solutions forward that will actually fix the country.”  Gee I wonder if he is going to fix the country like he fixed Minnesota.  The former Governor left Minnesota with the largest deficit in 152 years.  Yeah, he fixed those Minnesotans alright. Also remember that Tim is the guy who came in second to Sarah Palin when John McCain was deciding on a running mate.

Here is a real winner or should I say whiner. Rick (I need to be in a) Santorum, former Republican Senator from Pennsylvania is expected to throw his room key into the fray next week.  He is another Compassionate Conservative who is a major gay basher, pro-lifer, isolationist who is not even considered a long shot.  To be considered to be a long shot, you at least have to have a chance.

In the words of that famous political pundit Michael Vick, so far this election is shaping up to be a fight between a Rottweiler and a couple of Chihuahuas.

And speaking of clowns, Rush (I’m living proof that drugs cause brain damage) Slimebaugh and Sean (I’m even dumber than Rush) Hannity ratings are down about 30%.  Looks like these boneheads are finally talking their way out of a gig.  Of course the majority of their audience is made up of old white males which is pretty much the same make-up of the GOP.(grumpy old people).

Harold (two strikes) Camping is at it again. Now he says Judgment Day will be Oct 21st.  Damn, and I have a great Halloween costume for this year.  I was going to go as Newton Leroy(nitwit) Gingrich.  All I need is a shoe to stick in my mouth. 

Joesph Brooks, who wrote“You Light up my life” possibly the sappiest song ever written and recorded, killed himself this week at the age of 73.  I’m surprised he let himself live this long.   Before you think I am too harsh on Joe, he was awaiting trial on allegations that he lured women to his apartment through an online ad offering auditions for a movie role and then raped them.

Today's good read is The Trinity Six by Charles Cumming.  This is a well written Cold War spy novel that puts a new spin one of Britain's most  notorious spy rings.  




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Observations And Oddballs

So Rush (I am living proof that drugs cause brain damage) Slimebough has decided that Texas Governor Slick Rick (I may be hair-brained but I have a great hair-do) Perry is the most qualified candidate for President.  First of all obviously Rush doesn’t live in Texas and secondly what a dumb move for the Republican Party.  Icky Ricky, serial politician, has practically no name recognition outside of Texas and the Republicans would carry Texas if Charles Manson was the nominee.  Let’s hope ole “Hair-do” throws his hat into the ring.  I would love for the national press to take a good look at what’s been happening in this state for the last eleven years.  

Wow, a different kind of Tea Party candidate has jumped into the running of the 45th Presidents Cup.  He is Harold Cain and he says he supports a strong national defense, opposes abortion, backs replacing the federal income tax with a national sales tax and favors a return to the gold standard.  Oh I’m not talking about that, that’s the same ole crap all the other Tea Partiers yammer about.  What I mean is, he is unlike anybody in the Tea Party.  He’s black

So Nitwit Gingrich has released a statement saying, “Any ad that quotes anything I said is a falsehood.”  You know, I believe he is right.  I don’t think Nitwit has ever said anything that was the truth.

The prison is Sugar Land known as the Central Unit is closing.  You know the state’s economy is in bad shape when you start laying off prisoners.

The wife of Strauss-Kahn’ the IMF chief who has been arrested on rape charges said, “I don’t believe for a single second the accusations of sexual assault by my husband.”  Isn’t that what Maria Shriver said in 2003 when Arnold was running for Governor?  Is this a page from the “Stand By Your Husband” manual or what?

Did you see the story about the woman who found a kidney donor for her mom on Facebook?  That is really cool.  I have come across a number of ladies who were willing to rent out certain body parts for a short period of time but never any donors.

One of my readers asked me, what position did the mother of Arnold’s love child perform in the Schwarzenegger household?  I believe she worked on his staff in the missionary position.

Harold (two strikes) Camping released a press statement saying the Apocalypse has been called off again.  He said that Jesus phoned and said that now they have hired Ashton Kutcher to take over Charlie Sheen’s role, he wants to see how the new season turns out.

Beer commercials have always depicted their customers as dumb but the new Busch ads have taken it to a new level.  It seems that their customers don’t have enough sense to know when the beer is cold, so Busch has a little label on the can that turns blue when the beer is cold. I can see a bunch of my old drinking buddies sitting around an ice cooler.  “Hey, is it cold yet?”  ….”Nope, the label hasn’t turned blue.”  “Damn. I’m thirsty”.

Conservative talk show host Michael Savage has been moaning and whining about why conservative talk show host like Rush, Beck, Sean Hannity  and himself never get invited to give commencement speeches at colleges.   Could it be that no one gives a shit about what ya’ll have to say?


Stay tuned for future adventures.

Snake Oil Senators

The next time you fill up your gas tank and drain your bank account, think of these bozos. Here are the 48 Senators who voted to keep Oil subsides.

Alexander (R-TN), Ayotte (R-NH), Barrasso (R-WY), Begich (D-AK), Blunt (R-MO), Boozman (R-AR), Brown (R-MA), Burr (R-NC), Chambliss (R-GA), Coats (R-IN), Coburn (R-OK), Cochran (R-MS), Corker (R-TN), Cornyn (R-TX), Crapo (R-ID), DeMint (R-SC), Enzi (R-WY), Graham (R-SC), Grassley (R-IA), Hatch (R-UT), Heller (R-NV), Hoeven (R-ND), Hutchison (R-TX), Inhofe (R-OK), Isakson (R-GA), Johanns (R-NE), Johnson (R-WI), Kirk (R-IL), Kyl (R-AZ), Landrieu (D-LA), Lee (R-UT), Lugar (R-IN), McCain (R-AZ), McConnell (R-KY), Moran (R-KS), Murkowski (R-AK), Nelson (D-NE), Paul (R-KY), Portman (R-OH), Risch (R-ID), Roberts (R-KS), Rubio (R-FL), Sessions (R-AL), Shelby (R-AL), Thune (R-SD), Toomey (R-PA), Vitter (R-LA), Wicker (R-MS)

We may give these assholes their jobs but they sure as hell don’t work for us. So far the major oil companies have pumped around $18 million into their bank accounts. 

I’ve been making fun of ole Harold (pseudo preacher) Camping who has predicted that the world will end this Saturday and then I realized that Oprah has tapped her last show, so what is there to live for anyway.
According to Harold, at 6pm pacific standard time, the righteous will fly up to Heaven.  Hey I’m all for it and I would just like to add “AND DON’T COME BACK.”

There is actually a proposition in San Francisco on the upcoming ballot in November to ban circumcision.  If it passes, to legally get circumcised, a male would have to be 18 years of age and insane.

The Celebrity 100 list is out and there is a new number one.  Oprah has been on top for a couple of years but this year it is Lady Gaga with $900 million. I understand she is changing her name to Lady Haha as she heads for the bank.

More information is coming out about Bin Laden’s porn stash.  His favorite movies appear to have been, Deep Goat, Debbie Does Abbottabad, Girls Gone Un-Veiled and Al-Qaida, Taliban Bang.  You would have thought a guy who has eluded the world for nine years would have hidden his stash a little better.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrumph Day

Have you heard about the dogs the Navy Seals are using? They are bulletproof, can hear through concrete and can record high-def video of missions, even in the dead of night.  I’m pretty sure one lives next door to me and has been working on night training for about six weeks now.

A Starbucks in El Paso has fired a dwarf that was working there. They said he didn’t come up to their standards.  I didn’t know when you interviewed for a job at Starbucks, they had a sign that says “You have to be this tall to serve.”  The dwarf is suing saying that he got the short end of the stick.  I guess it is ok to order a short drink but not from someone who is short. One of my readers on Facebook commented that Starbucks didn’t want you to know that coffee stunts your growth.

I see where the U.S. has reached its debt limit. Does that mean Visa is canceling Congress's credit card?

The Don has taken all the fun out of the upcoming Presidential race by dropping out.  I was looking forward to seeing him debate that thing on his head.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is accused of raping a hotel maid, is known as the IMF Chief.  If you are not sure what IMF stands for, I’ll give you a hint, the “I” stands for idiot.  You can fill in the MF.

The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau was one of the provisions of the sweeping Dodd-Frank financial reform bill enacted in 2010. This watchdog agency was designed to fix many of the regulatory loopholes that allowed big banks to take on too much risk. Well guess what? Congress is considering measures that would substantially weaken it before it writes its first new rule.  Just another case of Wall Street over Main Street in Washington D.C.  Your tax dollars at work.

Today’s good read is The Gods Of Greenwich  by Norb Vonnegut.  This is his second novel and is a real page turner set in the middle of the smarmy world of Wall Street and Hedge Funds.  Norb Vonnegut is to Wall Street what John Grisham is to Law.




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The Race For Second Place

The Republican heavy weights are starting to come out now that the running of the 45th Presidents Cup has begun.  Announced so far is Newton Leroy (Family Values Man, he has three) Gingrich, who seems to have as much trouble paying his taxes as staying faithful in marriage, but now says he has found Jesus. His odds are best if the world ends on May 21th as predicted by some crank-pot preacher in California.

Then there is Ron (Fish Sticks) Paul who wants to go back to the Gold standard and build a wall around America. His odds of winning are exactly the same as a snowball in hell.

Also tossing his hat into the ring but making sure he doesn’t mess up his hair-do is Mitt (Part-time politician, full-time Mormon) Romney who has no plan or vision for America but thinks he would look good in Rose Garden photo ops.  His odds are best for winning President of Utah.

Mike (Full-time politician, part-time preacher) Huckabee whose odds of winning were slightly ahead of the sun rising in the west has said he will not run.  He said his heart says no. Actually that was quite refreshing to hear.  I didn’t know politicians had hearts. Mike joins Mississippi Gov. Haley (My wife won’t let me run) Barbour,  and two other guys who’s name recognition are so low they have to introduce themselves to their wives,  have also decided to take their balls (that’s a sports metaphor) and go home.

We still don’t know about Donald (I may have a tiny brain, but I have a huge ego) Trump whose odds are in favor of him being voted buffoon of the year.  And of course we can’t rule out Sarah ( I may be stupid but I’m not as stupid as Michele Bachmann) Palin and Michele ( I make Sarah look like a genius) Bachmann because as more folks head for the sidelines, they may not be able to resist the lure of the spotlight. It would take quantum physics to figure their odds.

The White House must be shaking in their boots….from laughing.

AND NOW SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

The fact that lots of porn was found in Bin Laden’s compound is nothing new.  The U.S. has found a ton of pornography in the possession of al-Qaida operatives during previous raids. This porn consisted of hundreds of pictures of women without veils. 

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the leader of the International Monetary Fund was charged with the attempted rape of a hotel maid.  What? This dipshit couldn’t afford a hooker?

It’s been three years since we figured out Wall Street was robbing the country blind (and without a gun or mask) and not a single executive has seen the inside of a jail cell.  I guess crime does pay.





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Big Oil Or Big Brother?

Conoco/Phillps sent out a press release this week saying it would be un-American to take away their tax breaks. The five major oil companies are showing a profit of $125 billion dollars this year. That’s $125 billion PROFIT….

What’s really un-American is that Senator Orin (I really need to be in the booby) Hatch defended them. Wow, you would think that the oil companies had maybe slipped a few dollars in Orin’s collection plate. Yeah, like around $255,000. They probably took that out of petty cash.

Speaking of oil, the price of oil has dropped significantly in the past couple of weeks including the single biggest one day drop in three years. Have you seen a drop in gasoline prices? “What goes up must come down,” only applies to the law of gravity not the price of gasoline at the pump.

James Tate, a senior at Shelton High School in Connecticut snuck onto school grounds last week to post 12-inch-tall letters to a wall outside of the school's entrance. The message read: "Sonali Rodrigues, Will you go to the prom with me? HMU -Tate." HMU is short for hit me up, or call me.

Sonali said yes, but Beth( The wicked Yankee witch from the east) Smith, the school headmaster, has said no. She says James broke the rules so she suspended him and is banning him from going to the prom. Sounds to me like Beth (I have a large stick up my ass) Smith probably never got asked to go the prom and now James is going to pay.

Congrats to Senator John McCain for finally doing something right. His speech slamming the rumor that we got the info for finding Bin Laden from water boarding was right on the money. Of course he still has a lot of making-up to do for subjecting the country to Sarah Palin, but this is a start.

Bristol Palin says that she underwent corrective jaw surgery, not plastic surgery. She says there was absolutely no plastic used at all. She also said that her mother really does read every magazine and newspaper in the world and keeps an eye on Russia from her front porch.

Harold Camping, co-founder of Family Radio, a network of Christian radio stations, is proclaiming May 21st. as Judgment Day. Ole Harold had first warned of an apocalypse that was supposed to have taken place Sept. 6, 1994. What a dumb ass. Everyone knows the world will end in 2012. Obviously Harold doesn’t have a Mayan Calendar.


Stay tuned for future adventures.

Happy Limerick Day

Today is National Limerick Day.  This is the day we celebrates the birthday of Writer Edward Lear (1812-1888), and of course Limerick poems. Limericks were popularized by Lear in 1846 in his Book of Nonsense. 
So I thought I would bring you a few modern day Limericks.  Feel free to contribute your own, but please NO “There was a man from Nantucket.”

 The Governor of Texas is a man named Perry.
He thinks school children should be able to carry,
Not just books, but guns and ammo,
So they can walk around acting like Rambo.
Personally I think this is really scary.

Al Qaeda’s mass murder Osama,
Got a message from President Obama.
It was two bullets to the head
From Navy Seals who also said,
“By the way, screw your mama.”

There was a man from Georgia named Newt,
Whose wife number three is really cute.
He says he discovered Jesus and is born again,
And has been forgiven of his many sins.
Even for a politician, that is a  real beaut.

Arnold and Maria are separated after 25 years.
She was Champaign, but he was beers.
She smiled and said, “Hit the road, Jack,”
While he mumbled, “I’ll be back.”
It was all low key, practically no tears.

Poor Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.
She constantly screws up facts and then some.
Mostly she gives history a re-mix.
Thinks the Civil War was fought in 1776.
The fact is, she’s just plain dumb.

The Tea Party is so very upset,
About the looming National debt.
They watched Bush spend year after year,
Not saying a word or shedding a tear.
They may be the biggest hypocrites yet.



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Newton Discovers Jesus

Ole Newton Leroy Gingrich has tossed his hat into the ring.  He and his cute little trophy wife number 3 (she’s 22 years younger) say that Newton has discovered Jesus.  I don’t know if Newton was sitting under an apple tree when Jesus fell on him or what.  I wonder if Nitwit has told his entire conservative, family values flock that most of his campaign money comes from a gambling mogul. I doubt it, he has to sell them on wifey pooh #3 and being born again first.

The Texas Senate has passed Dan (Pillsbury dough boy) Patrick’s bill to allow lawmakers to pack heat anywhere they go, ie, church, bars, sporting events.  In other words, in all kinds of places no one else can carry a gun.  Gee, sounds to me like these boys are feeling a little paranoid, you know like maybe folks are out to get them for doing such a lousy job.

Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife of 25 years, Maria Shriver, announced Monday that they are separating. I’m not sure which one delivered the line, “I won’t be back.”

Here is a good one. It’s called the Free State Project and the members call themselves “Free Staters.”   Today, nearly 1,000 of these “Free Staters” have moved to New Hampshire and if the movement succeeds, 20,000 Free Staters will soon be living in a Granite State community focused on libertarian, small-government principles.

Most of these Free Staters are followers of Libertarian Ron Paul.  A spokesman for the Libertarians said, “We felt we could maximize our influence by trying to focus on a single state where we could move and start to impact the political system.”  The movement started in 2003 and now 12 members of the New Hampshire legislature call themselves Free Staters. New Hampshire is also where the Presidential primary kicks off.  I am assuming since the motto on their license plates is “Live Free Or Die,” you either have to join the Free Staters or kill yourself.   Kool-Aid anyone?


And another preacher bites the dust. Evidently lying is in their DNA. The Rev. Jim Moats, a 59-year-old pastor at the Christian Bible Fellowship Church in Newville, Pa. has been telling his flock for years that he served in Vietnam and was a Navy Seal.  It seems both stories were a big fat lie.

After he was dumb enough to do an interview with The Patriot-News, a real navy seal confronted him and he confessed he made it all up.  He said he took some things that he had seen in a Steven Segal movie and passed them off as true.  Steven Segal? At least he could have come up with a real actor like Matt Damon or Bruce Willis.

Today's good read is Red On Red by Edward Conlon.  A very well written detective story written by a real detective. This is one of the best books I've read lately.



Stay tuned for futures adventures.