TGIF

Congress finally agreed on something.  They decided that the vacation that they just returned from was not long enough so they voted to take another eight weeks off and left town.  Apparently they believe in old adage, “When the going gets tough, the tough go home.”

TV evangelist Pat (I Have God on Speed Dial) Robertson of the 700 Club (that’s their total number of viewers) is just beside himself that the Air Force has decided to drop the phrase “So help me God” from their oath. Evidently Pat believes that if you don’t have God for a co-pilot, the plane will fall out of the sky like a lead balloon. I understand the Air Force is replacing the phrase with “so help me aerodynamics.”

 

The NFL (Numerous Felons League) is still the hot topic in scandal news.  A report shows that 57 players have been arrested on domestic violence charges while Roger (MoneyBall) Goodell has been commissioner. The 32 owners say they back Roger a hundred percent but are thinking about changing his title from commissioner to warden.

 

Another responsible gun owner has made the news.  A man in Florida was showing his sister at her birthday party how he could twirl his gun when he dropped it. It went off and shot his sister in the neck killing her deader than Elvis.  The police have not charged him. They said being extremely stupid is not against the law.    

 

Senaterrible Lindsay (I Want My Mommie….Oh, and Another Mint Julep) Graham is positive that those ISIS boneheads are going to come over here and kill us all.  Let’s just see how they rate against the US of A.

USA.                                                                                      ISIS

Army….Yes                                                                           Army…None

Navy….Yes                                                                            Navy…None

Air Force…Yes                                                                       Air Force…None

Total USA Military  1,369,532                                             Total number of boneheads                     

                                                                                               With guns and swords to cut  

                                                                                               People’s heads off.

                                                                                               30,000

Don’t get me wrong.  ISIS members are a bunch of deranged, twisted assholes who will kill people and they all need to be put away, but there is no way they can take over the world.  Ebola is way more scary than ISIS.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Hump Day

Number one hump of the week:

Arizona GOP Vice-Chairman Russell (I’m Meaner than a Junk Yard Dog and Just as Dumb) Pearce said this last week on his radio show.  "You put me in charge of Medicaid, the first thing I'd do is get Norplant, birth-control implants, or tubal ligations," and went on to say, "Then we'll test recipients for drugs and alcohol, and if you want to reproduce or use drugs or alcohol, then get a job."  

That was on Friday and Sunday he resigned saying that someone else wrote those comments and he just repeated them without giving the author credit.  I don’t care if they didn’t come out of ole Russel;’s brain, they sure as hell came out of his mouth.  In fact I am pretty sure this asshole has never had an original thought in his entire life. That may be the lamest excuse since the first bonehead who uttered, “The dog ate my homework.” 

Second Place:

Midland county sheriff, Gary (I Have the Same IQ as Quick Draw McGraw) Painter went on TV and said he had been hearing rumors about ISIS terrorist coming across the Mexican border. He reported that folks have found Muslim clothing along the roadside. Exactly how do you tell that it is Muslim clothing?  Does the label on the inside say Ahmed Abdi Armani or Mukhatr Abu Klien.   He went on to say, “if they show their ugly head in our area, we’ll send them to hell.”  Well Gary, that ain’t far. After all, you are already in Midland, Texas

Runners Up:

Senaterribles John (Civil War Veteran) McCain and Lindsay (We’re All Going to be Killed) Graham, Ted (Would Some One Please Listen to Me) Cruz and Gregg (Hell On Wheels) Abbott just because they are John McCain, Lindsay Graham, Ted Cruz, and Gregg Abbott.   

 Stay tuned for future adventures.

New Week, Same Ole Stuff

 I went into a Payday Loan store.

 

And got this.

 

I have to come up with 99cents by next week or they will repossess my nuts.

 

Senaterrible John (Civil War Veteran) McCain went on the Tee Vee this weekend and blamed Obama for the downed plane over Ukraine.  He also went on to blame the President for the Iraqi, Vietnam, and Korean Wars. Then he said the financial crisis of 2008 and The Great Depression of 1931 was Obama’s fault too. John said that he suspected Obama of being the second shooter behind the grassy knoll in Dallas and was probably the cause of cancer.  McCain also said he couldn’t find his car keys and was pretty sure that Obama had stolen them.

Not to be outdone in the blame game, McCain’s Siamese-twin Senaterrible Lindsay (I’m Just a Poor Southern Boy with a Stick Up My Ass) Graham also said that Obama’s foreign policy was to blame for the downed airliner and pointed out numerous other Obama foreign policy failures such as the attack on Pearl Harbor and false information given to General Custer.

 

Texas TeaNut Ted (Would Someone Please Pay Attention to Me) Cruz said yesterday that President Obama was holding the migrant kids for ransom.  He didn’t say how much Obama was asking per kid.

 

Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry has decided to send a thousand National Guard troops down to the border to take care of the migrant kid problem. I think if each Guardsman adopts 5 kids, it will take care of the situation. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

If It's Not One Thing, It's Another

The Open Carry boneheads in Richmond, Virginia decided they would have a big rally on July 4^th.  They invited 300 people via Facebook to come walk around with their guns slung over their shoulders and their arrogance in full view.

 

Three showed up. That’s what I call firing blanks.

Two women have filed gender discrimination lawsuits against Goldman Sachs. Goldman is accused of a “boys club” atmosphere with binge drinking and trips to strip clubs.  I understand they have also asked that the name be changed to Goldman Sucks. 

  

 

Target’s in-store music system will only be playing Johhny Cash’s “Don’t take your guns to town” from now on.

 

When Republican boneheads John (Civil War Veteran) McCain and Lindsay (I’m Just a Poor Southern Boy with a Stick up My Ass) Graham went on Face the Nation they couldn’t run their mouth fast enough blaming Obama for everything they think is wrong with the country, but when host Bob Schieffer asked them, “How do you feel about being part of a Congress that doesn't do anything?" They immediately came down with lock jaw. .

Let’s take a look at the country under Obama’s watch.

Also June marks 52 straight months of private sector job growth, the longest ever on record, besting Bill Clinton's record of 51 continuous months of private sector job growth from February 1996 to April 2000. 

One thing for sure that Obama has proven is that racism is alive and well in America

Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry is off his meds again. For the umpteenth  time he made a fool of himself on national television by telling everyone that Obama had a plan to fill up America with illegal immigrants. Ole Ricky poo really needs to keep his prescriptions filled up and stay off the television. 

 

Texas Attorney General Gregg (Hell On Wheels) Abbott who would like to be the next King of the Lone Star state believes that the fine citizens of Texas don’t need to know which chemical companies in Texas keep dangerous chemicals. He does believe in taking the chemical companies money however.   Little Gregory has taken big bucks from Koch Brothers(which makes him the Kochroach we thought he was), Dow Chemical, Lyndell, DuPont and Chevron.   

 

Texas Senaterrible TeaNut Ted (Will Somebody Please Pay Attention To Me) Cruz has jumped into the Cochran/McDaniel fiasco in Mississippi.  Little Teddy is talking about the horrible voter fraud that went on in the Republican primary.  Somebody ought to point out to Teddy that it was a primary where anyone can vote and it was Republican against Republican.  

 

And laugh of the week is Sarah (Half-Ass Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin saying that she would make a good co-host on The View.  Sarah said she would be a voice of reason from America’s heartland. This could be the dumbest thing she has ever said and when you consider all of the stupid things she has said through the years, that is something.   I think it would actually be really fun to watch Whoopi chew her ass up in little pieces and show the world a real Half-Baked Alaska.

Stay tuned for future adventures.