The Boneheads Are Coming, The Boneheads Are Coming.

The Republican climate deniers are pretty smart liars.  They know that to make a lie convincing, you need a little of truth in it, so they always say, “I’m not a scientist, but I am a dumbass.”   They are the same bunch of boneheads who thought getting Sgt. Bergdahi back was the right thing to do until Obama got him back.

This just in…..

Phil (Duc…Dickhead) Robertson is releasing his own bible.

 

That does it for me. Even the bonehead gun nut wackos, Open Carry Texas can't top that. I’m going back to bed.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Wednesday Humps With Guns

 The big gun-fight is on. The good news is that it’s between two gun organizations. The NRA and Open Carry Texas, two groups of gun nuts who symbolically substitute the lead in their bullets for the lack of lead in their pants  Right away they’ve been shooting their mouths off at each other. The NRA put out an statement saying that Open Carry Texas was just plain weird, so Open Carry Texas came back and said “The NRA is nothing but a money whore corporation.”  Hey they are both right.

At one time in my life the NRA (National Rifle Association) was all about hunters and gun safety, but somewhere along the line they changed to the NRA (National Rabid Assholes) and could care less about gun safety. Selling more guns is their only priority.

In my opinion, there are two kinds of gun owners; legitimate hunters and gun nuts. Legitimate hunters own shotguns and rifles. Gun nuts own every kind of gun possible, especially hand guns and semi-automatics.   To my knowledge, every mass shooter so far has come from the gun nut side of the ledger. 

Speaking of guns, Joni (My Mentor is Michele Bachman)Ernst, who is a Republican running for the U.S. Senate from Iowa, has called the mass shooting in California two weeks ago an accident. An accident?  The guy shot and stabbed seven people to death.  What did he do, kill the wrong people?   She is just another example of a pimp for the NRA saying something really stupid.  I find it amazing that these people can still manage to stick their foot in their mouth while having their head up their ass at the same time.

And the gun owner of the week is an old fart in Minnesota who pulled a gun on his neighbor because he didn’t like the way the neighbor was teaching his daughter how to ride a bicycle.  Mr. Gun Nut was arrested on second degree assault charges. He told police that he had been drinking all day but said it didn’t influence his actions.  He said Jesus said, “Give a person a ride and they will hound you for more, but teach them how to ride a bicycle and they are out of your life forever”.    

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Til Death Does It's Part

I have had to attend a couple of funerals recently.  I say had because I always try to avoid funerals at all cost if possible.  Even of folks who were close to me because I think funerals are one of the most bizarre rituals man has come up with yet.  Both of the events were emceed by the same man and I found myself really having to bite my tongue from standing up and hollering, “That’s the dumbest shit I have ever heard.”

He immediately got himself in to trouble by starting off with what a joyous day it was because the deceased had been called to heaven by God.  As these words were falling out of his mouth the energy emitting from the front row of the family who had just lost this love one was so clear you could almost hear them saying, “what the f#*k is wrong with you asshole.  Daddy is gone forever.”  He instantly back tracked and tried to reword this faux-pas by saying that the departed was simply in a state of sleeping.  He said, “that every night when we fall asleep, it’s like we were dead.”  What a bonehead. No dead is dead and sleeping is something altogether different. In fact I had the urge to run up to the casket and yell “Wake up.”

He then went on to do what every preacher at every funeral I have ever attended does.  He spent 5 minutes talking about the corpse lying in front of him and 30 minutes talking about Jesus. It’s amazing. Jesus died two thousand years ago while this poor soul was barley cold and yet Jesus gets to be the headliner.

The most bizarre part of the funeral is having the dead body on display with an open casket.  What’s that about? After hearing the preacher drone on for thirty minutes about “The Original Zombie” and having watched the Walking Dead marathon, I had just soon they nailed that thing shut. 

And then of course we have to get up close and personal with it.  Everyone has to walk by for a good look and the comments are always the same. “Don’t you think he/she looked good?”  No I don’t. They looked dead. Deader than Elvis. (I don’t think Elvis is really dead although there haven’t been any sightings of him lately. I hope he is not sick) And of course there is the usual, “Didn’t he/she look natural?” No. They looked like some creepy figure out of a wax museum. 

What ever energy that was there when the person was alive is now gone. Where?  I don’t know, but I believe C.K. Lewis said it best when someone asked him, “Does anything go on after we are dead?”  He said, “Of course. All kinds of things go on, they just don’ involve you.” 

I can understand friends wanting to get together to remember someone, but the majority of all the funerals I have attended, half the people there barley knew the deceased. They were there because they had to be. Like a distant relative of their spouse or something.

So just for the record when my time is done, I think the Vikings got it right.  No funeral. Cremate me, throw my ashes over a body of water and party down. 

    

  

Stay tuned for future adventures.

T.G.I.F. (This Gibberish Is Free)

There is new truck stop not too far from my house called Fuel City. Fuel City is not quite as big as a Buc-ee’s, but it’s close.  All of the employees wear t-shirts that say, “Fuel City: Where all your dreams come true.”  I don’t know about you, but if all of your dreams come true at a truck stop, maybe you’re setting your sights a little low.

The question of the day is: Can Joe the Plumber get any dumber?  Joe wrote to the parents of the kids killed in latest mass shooting and said, “Your dead kids don’t trump my constitutional rights.” 

Joe believes owning a gun is way more important than life. I do believe if the doctors were to exam this asshole, they would pronounce him brain dead and pull the plug. 

Donald (I’m Not Really a Racist, I’m Just Stupid) Sterling, owner of the L.A. Clippers makes racist remarks and the NBA tells him that his punishment is that he has to sell the team.  So ole Donnie says ok and sells the team that he bought in 1981 for 12 million for 2 billion.  I think maybe I’m missing the point here. It seems like if you wanted to punish Don the Bigot, you would make him sell his 2 billion dollar team for 12 million.

  

The History Channel is doing a three-part mini-series called “The World Wars” and using John (Civil War Veteran) McCain, Colin (I’m A Bush Puppet) Powell, and Dick (I Really Am a Dick) Cheney as their talking heads.  That’s like doing a mini-series on Wall Street and using Bernie(I’m Not Stupid, I Really Am a Crook) Madoff as the host. 

Sunday will be the start of a brand new hurricane season.  It will also be the 10^th anniversary of my novel SURGE which had a category 4 hurricane hitting Houston dead on.  If you read SURGE, then you know that the hurricane was named Dolly. I just came across this year’s names for the hurricane season and noticed that we will have a Dolly this year. Let’s hope it does not live up to my version of it. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

I'm Just Sayin'

Dan (I Was a Sports Nut, Now I’m Just a Nut) Patrick, the Mad Hatter of the Texas Tea Party is the Republican nominee for Lt. Governor of Texas. This will give you a little info on this wacko:

1. He wants to stop the invasion from Mexico.(I didn't even know we were at war)
2. He was named one of Texas’ Worst Legislators in Texas Monthly. (Well, at least he won something)
3. He has vowed to obstruct equal pay legislation.  (He prefers Sweet n' Low)
4. He has voted for 5.4 Billion in cuts to education. ( I told you he wasn't very smart)
5. He was the only opponent of the Veterans Entrepreneurship Program.(He has no friends)

I told you earlier in the week that Texas Senaterrible Ted (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz hears voices. Little Teddy says, “I just do what God tells me to do.”  That got me thinking how things have changed.  I can remember not too long ago when somebody would say something really stupid or do something shitty like little Teddy does on daily basis, that they would say, “the devil made me do it.”

After seeing all of the signs on the roadway, my wife and I thought maybe we would adopt a highway.  This is a lot more complicated than we thought.  First we told the lady that we would like to adopt The Road Less Traveled, but she didn’t seem to know which one that was.

Then we asked her about the history of the roads to be adopted.  If they were of the straight and narrow or snaky which could lead to trouble down the line and if she knew where they were from or where they were going?  We also wanted to know if they were country roads which seemed a little simpler to deal with or if they were freeways who were used to living in the fast lane.

When she told us we couldn’t take it home with us, we told her, we believed we were at a dead end and left.  

 I must admit that I am enjoying the new “24” but as always, Jack’s biggest problem isn’t the evil wacko wanting to kill everybody, but the arrogant, incompetent jerks who are supposed to be the good guys. 

And finally I do believe the ugly wires ads for Direct TV are some of the most creative and funniest things on television.  

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday, Monday

Here it is Memorial Day and time to remember our veterans. It is very sad that Congress doesn’t seem to be able to do that. 41 Republicans last week voted against a bill to extend veteran’s benefits. The bill of course failed.

 

Texas Senaterrible Ted (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz hears voices. Last week little Teddy said, “I just do what God tells me to do. He speaks to me. Literally. In my head.”  Just think how many poor souls who hear voices are in mental hospitals, but this asshole is in Congress.  Go figure.

Here is a grand example of a Christian leader. Reginald (Warden) Miller, the president and founder of Cathedral Bible College is being charged with using foreign students as slave labor.  He would threaten to cancel foreign students' visas if they did not work long hours for little pay. Sounds like a Republican to me.

I just saw a list of speakers for the Republican Leadership Conference to be held in New Orleans next week.  Herman (Nein, Nein, Nein) Cain, Sarah (Half-Ass Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin, Donald (Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow) Trump, Liz (My Daddy is a Dick) Cheney, Michele (I’m Happy but My Husband is Gay) Bachman, Rick( All Hair, No Integrity) Perry and Newt (Newt is Short for Neutered) Gingrich.  I think there must have been a typo; I believe they meant Republican Lemmings Conference.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Some Days I Feel Like a Nut and Some Days.....

Some days I think funny and some days I don’t, but I always think. Today is one of those un-funny days and this is what I think.

I keep hearing people talking about the values and principles this country was built on,  but I find what they are spouting are mostly ad slogans and political talking points that were dreamed up by someone who had an agenda that had nothing to do with the welfare of the country.

How about having a fresh idea or a concept that you thought up, not just repeating what someone else said?  Are you a Republican or Democrat, Catholic or protestant because you really studied their different ideology or because mommy and daddy are?  I don’t care what you are, just be yourself, not a clone.

How many times have you heard that it just takes good hard work to be successful?  Really……how many rich coal miners do you know?  I can’t think of anything that would be harder work than being a coal miner and there are lots of rich people who haven’t hit a lick at a snake or never lifted anything heavier than a fork.

I always told all the artists I worked with that the music business is a total crap shoot.  Having a lot of talent doesn’t guarantee anything.  Mostly I think success comes from passion and perseverance..  A lot of success comes from being in the right place at the right time and that usually comes from persistence.  I also know that success and happiness are not always the same.

If you can live your life doing what you love to do, then you are a huge success no matter what your bank account says and if your happiness depends on what other people think of you or your talent, you will never be happy.  That only comes from what you think of you.


Stay tuned for future adventures.