Til Death Does It's Part

I have had to attend a couple of funerals recently.  I say had because I always try to avoid funerals at all cost if possible.  Even of folks who were close to me because I think funerals are one of the most bizarre rituals man has come up with yet.  Both of the events were emceed by the same man and I found myself really having to bite my tongue from standing up and hollering, “That’s the dumbest shit I have ever heard.”

He immediately got himself in to trouble by starting off with what a joyous day it was because the deceased had been called to heaven by God.  As these words were falling out of his mouth the energy emitting from the front row of the family who had just lost this love one was so clear you could almost hear them saying, “what the f#*k is wrong with you asshole.  Daddy is gone forever.”  He instantly back tracked and tried to reword this faux-pas by saying that the departed was simply in a state of sleeping.  He said, “that every night when we fall asleep, it’s like we were dead.”  What a bonehead. No dead is dead and sleeping is something altogether different. In fact I had the urge to run up to the casket and yell “Wake up.”

He then went on to do what every preacher at every funeral I have ever attended does.  He spent 5 minutes talking about the corpse lying in front of him and 30 minutes talking about Jesus. It’s amazing. Jesus died two thousand years ago while this poor soul was barley cold and yet Jesus gets to be the headliner.

The most bizarre part of the funeral is having the dead body on display with an open casket.  What’s that about? After hearing the preacher drone on for thirty minutes about “The Original Zombie” and having watched the Walking Dead marathon, I had just soon they nailed that thing shut. 

And then of course we have to get up close and personal with it.  Everyone has to walk by for a good look and the comments are always the same. “Don’t you think he/she looked good?”  No I don’t. They looked dead. Deader than Elvis. (I don’t think Elvis is really dead although there haven’t been any sightings of him lately. I hope he is not sick) And of course there is the usual, “Didn’t he/she look natural?” No. They looked like some creepy figure out of a wax museum. 

What ever energy that was there when the person was alive is now gone. Where?  I don’t know, but I believe C.K. Lewis said it best when someone asked him, “Does anything go on after we are dead?”  He said, “Of course. All kinds of things go on, they just don’ involve you.” 

I can understand friends wanting to get together to remember someone, but the majority of all the funerals I have attended, half the people there barley knew the deceased. They were there because they had to be. Like a distant relative of their spouse or something.

So just for the record when my time is done, I think the Vikings got it right.  No funeral. Cremate me, throw my ashes over a body of water and party down. 

    

  

Stay tuned for future adventures.