Monday, Monday

I can see why South Carolina Senaterrible Lindsey (I Need Another Mint Julep) Graham picked today to announce he is running sashaying for President.  It is the first day of hurricane season: the perfect day for a blowhard to show up.

 Little Lindsey wants everyone to know that he will be the “Chuck Norris” of Presidents and kick all our enemies off the planet.  He likes to tell everyone that he has a military background and knows exactly what to do. Actually Lindsey was a lawyer in the Air Force and I think he plans on suing ISIS out of business.  Remember If You Love War. Vote Lindsey. 

Donald (Huge Ego, Small Brain) Trump says he will have an exciting announcement to make on June 26^th.  I’m hoping that he is planning on getting a haircut.

The Texas Republican controlled Senate apparently invented a time machine.  They   approved legislation to allow handguns in campus buildings, dorms, and classrooms taking us back to 1815.  The only positive note is that these boneheads won’t be back for another two years.

The Houston flooding was much worse than I first thought.

And now for the irony to end all ironies.  The man charged with shooting George (My I.Q. and My Gun Are Both 45’s) Zimmerman is using the “stand your ground” defense. Boy, that Karma can come back and bite you in the ass.   

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Bubbles From My Soapbox

The Republican primary season is now officially open or as we like to say here in Texas, the Running of Lemmings has begun.  I believe the number of candidates is now up to 113 or maybe 132, I’ll have to check my figures. I predict that the upcoming debates will have more people on stage than in the audience.

The latest to throw his name into the ring is former New York Governor George (At Least My Last Name Isn’t Bush) Pataki.  He is most known for having a really dumb last name.  When asked what he brings to the race that is different from the other hundred or so candidates, he said I have a really dumb last name.

Lindsey (I Need Another Mint Julep) Graham, Senaterrible from South Carolina is expected to announce his bid next week.  Lindsey brings a layer of incoherency to the race that is unequaled.  He had this to say this week on his knowledge of foreign policy,   "My family owned a restaurant, a pool room, and a liquor store, and everything I know about the Iranians I learned in the pool room," Even I can’t come up with a punch line on that one.

You sure have to give talk show blowhard Bill (America’s Bully) O’Reilly credit for one thing.  Ole “wife beater” Bill sure knows his audience. He describes his average viewer to a T.  “They are simpletons, unwilling and unable to discipline themselves into formulating a philosophy of life."  Gosh Bill I couldn’t have said it better. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Humps: It's Their Day

The number one hump of the week is Texas State Represenitive John (I May Be Dumber Than Gohmert) Zerwas.  Little Johnny boy wrote the bill that would cut education benefits for Texas veterans.  The bill came to the floor the day before Memorial Day.

Little Johnny who never served in the military, but I understand he had a G.I. Joe as a kid and played war with his friends, said that we just can’t afford to give these veterans any more benefits. I mean after all what have they done for us lately? 

Thank goodness, there were a few folks in the legislature that have a tiny bit of common sense and pulled the bill. I’m pretty sure ole Johnny will try it again on the 4^th of July.

So let me get this straight.  According to Former GuvnorBlowhard Mike (I Need A Job) Huckster, President Obama and Michelle are bad parents because they let their daughters listen to Beyonce, but Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are good Christian parents even though their son Josh molested their daughters.  And this asshole thinks he should be President.

The thing that pisses me off the most about this whole sorry episode is that it is all about Josh.  I haven’t heard Little Mikey or anyone else in the family say one thing about the daughters. Not one word. Did they get any counseling or therapy of any kind?  They sure don’t seem to have a say in any of this, but hey, this is the Christian way where women are considered second class citizens.

Just to show you that they really grow them dumb in Arkansas,  Senaterrible Bart (If You Think Huckabee Is An Asshole, Check Me Out) Hester wants the police chief fired  who released the police report on Josh (I’m A Touchy, Feely Kind Of Guy) Duggar’s abuse of his underage sisters. He said it was against the law to release the names of minors in sexual abuse cases.  The problem with that stupid statement is that none of the names were released and none of them were minors when it was released.

I just came across this website http://www.ontheissues.org/TX/Louie_Gohmert.htm and it tells all about Congrssmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert.  One of the categories was entitled “Louie Gohmert on Drugs” but it doesn’t say which ones he is on.  I always knew from the incredibly stupid things he says that drugs were in the mix somewhere.  Also Louie says he is all for extending the Patriot Act.  He said the suspension of Tom Brady proves that it is working.  

Dr. Ben (I Haven’t Got A Clue) Carson won the straw vote at the Southern Leadership Conference in Oklahoma last week guaranteeing that he will never be President.  Oklahoma:  Is Okie Dopey.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Memorial Day 2015

 Have a happy Memorial Day and I hope it is dry where ever you are.














Stay tuned for future adventures.

Flakes Of Friday

I have to admit, I just can’t make up my mind about Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush.  Is he really that stupid or does he think the American voter is that stupid?   With all of the TeaNut Republicans making complete fools of them selves trying to answer the question of knowing what we know today, should we have started a war with Iraq.  Texas Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert went in a different direction and blamed President Obama.  Huh…. Here is the question I would like to propose…..To Louie’s mother.  Knowing what we know today, would you still chose to not have an abortion.

I saw an article online where a number of people commented that they couldn’t understand why the liberal media hadn’t given the names of the nine people killed at the shoot out at the biker bar in Waco last week.  So my large research staff got to work and found out who they were.

Tattoo Bob

Knuckles

Pontytail Paul

Bad Breath Benny

Missing Tooth Mitch

Born to be Willey

Hardly Harley (He rode a Suzuiki)

Handlebar Monte

Three Fingers Jackson

It’s official. We can now add “wife beater” to Bill (America’s Bully) O’Rielly’s resume.  I wonder how Bill and the blowhards at Faux News are going to spin this one. 

 TeaNut Republican Presidential hopeful Mike (I Need A Job) Huckster told an audience in Iowa this week that he wasn’t worried about people with guns that didn’t have any training” because “a good guy armed is still better than a good guy unarmed.”  I can certainly see where it is better for the gun manufactures and gosh, you never hear of anyone being accidentally shot.  Who needs training.

The Southern Republican Leadership Conference was held in Oklahoma City this week and featured eleven of the possible 150 Republican candidates running for President.   The last time there were this many clowns on one stage was at the Bozo memorial service. The candidate who seemed to impress the audience the most was Wisconsin Governor Scott (Street) Walker. Of course these were Oklahomans whose motto is: Oklahoma, We Are Okie Dopey.  

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Giving Thanks

Here are a couple of interviews I would like to hear just once in my lifetime.

Pinhead sports announcer:  Well Jim Bob you guys finally won the big one.

Goober quarterback:  Yeah and I have to give all the credit to the Lord.  You know most of the boneheads on my team are lazy as hell.  They don’t even show up for practice half the time.  Hell I’m pretty sure a couple of them are homos.  Anyway the lord decided we should win today.  I guess those assholes on the other team must have been even bigger dipshits than us. 

Pinhead CNN announcer:   Wow, it is a miracle that you are alive after a storm like that.

Goober citizen.  Yeah and first of all I have to give a big thank you to the Lord.  You know when that wind started blowing, .I got down on my knees and prayed harder that I have ever prayed in my life and when I walked out the front door, I knew that my prayers had been answered. 

Pinhead CNN announcer:  Well yeah, you still breathing is proof of that.

Goober citizen:  Well no, it was when I saw that my asshole arrogant neighbor’s house had been completely blown away with him in it.

Peabrain Fox News announcer:  We are talking with Willard Jenkins, the sole survivor of a plane crash that killed 297 people.

Williard:  I’ve got to thank the Lord big time for that for sure, but I have to admit I’m a little pissed he let me get on a plane with 297 losers.

NRA sprokesman:   I’m here with Clyde Bonner, part-time security guard whose gun accidentally fell from his holster and discharged 4 times while attending a wedding.  You’re a lucky man Clyde.

Clyde:  You can say that and I have to give all the credit to Lord for taking care of me.  Those bullets were ricocheting all over the place and I didn’t get a scratch. I was pulling my snuff can out of my pocket when my cuff caught on the hammer of my 44 mag and flipped it out of the holster.  I do feel bad for the two bridesmaids, the preacher and my wife who were hit, but I think they just have to chalk that up to being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  

Testimony from a satisfied client of ChristianMingle. Com.

I want to thank the Lord for leading me to ChristianMingle. Com.  I hadn’t had a date since 1993.  I mean I couldn’t get laid in women’s prison with a handful of pardons and within two days of signing up to their website, I was banging my brains out. 

 

Last but not least.

Pat Sajak:  Well Mary, you are the wheel’s big winner tonight with $85,000 tell us who is with you in the audience tonight.

Mary:  Oh that’s my soon to be Ex-husband Rob. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Morining Museing

Looks like Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry and his wifey po are going to be making a big announcement June 4^th. Anita (I Married An Idiot) Perry, the former first lady of Texas, recently said she and her husband “have been discussing the future of this great country and how our family can play a role.”  With Anita talking about how the Perrys can be of service to the country, I’ve got my fingers crossed that they are going to announce that they are moving to South America.

Faux News bullshit spreader Sandy (I’m Such A Blow Hard, I’ll Blow Anybody) Rios said last week that the engineer of the fatal Amtrak crash was a supporter of gay rights and may be gay himself, saying it was likely “a factor” the crash.  I believe it is in Leviticus 9:13 or it might be Ignoramous 12:23 where it says, “it is an abomination to let a gay man drive a train…pull a train maybe, but not drive one.”

  

OMG, the Clintons made millions from paid speaking engagements and the TeaNut Republicans are throwing a fit about it.  A top Republican said this country was built on “free speech”, not getting paid for it. Sounds like sour grapes doesn’t it?  The last time anyone paid (above the table) for a Republican to talk was Ronnie (Bad Actor, Worse President) Reagan on TV’s Death Valley Days.

Foreign policy has really thrown the Republican hopefuls for a loop.  When all of the front runners were asked to name somewhere in the Middle East, the most common answer was Virginia. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.