Observations And Oddballs

So Rush (I am living proof that drugs cause brain damage) Slimebough has decided that Texas Governor Slick Rick (I may be hair-brained but I have a great hair-do) Perry is the most qualified candidate for President.  First of all obviously Rush doesn’t live in Texas and secondly what a dumb move for the Republican Party.  Icky Ricky, serial politician, has practically no name recognition outside of Texas and the Republicans would carry Texas if Charles Manson was the nominee.  Let’s hope ole “Hair-do” throws his hat into the ring.  I would love for the national press to take a good look at what’s been happening in this state for the last eleven years.  

Wow, a different kind of Tea Party candidate has jumped into the running of the 45th Presidents Cup.  He is Harold Cain and he says he supports a strong national defense, opposes abortion, backs replacing the federal income tax with a national sales tax and favors a return to the gold standard.  Oh I’m not talking about that, that’s the same ole crap all the other Tea Partiers yammer about.  What I mean is, he is unlike anybody in the Tea Party.  He’s black

So Nitwit Gingrich has released a statement saying, “Any ad that quotes anything I said is a falsehood.”  You know, I believe he is right.  I don’t think Nitwit has ever said anything that was the truth.

The prison is Sugar Land known as the Central Unit is closing.  You know the state’s economy is in bad shape when you start laying off prisoners.

The wife of Strauss-Kahn’ the IMF chief who has been arrested on rape charges said, “I don’t believe for a single second the accusations of sexual assault by my husband.”  Isn’t that what Maria Shriver said in 2003 when Arnold was running for Governor?  Is this a page from the “Stand By Your Husband” manual or what?

Did you see the story about the woman who found a kidney donor for her mom on Facebook?  That is really cool.  I have come across a number of ladies who were willing to rent out certain body parts for a short period of time but never any donors.

One of my readers asked me, what position did the mother of Arnold’s love child perform in the Schwarzenegger household?  I believe she worked on his staff in the missionary position.

Harold (two strikes) Camping released a press statement saying the Apocalypse has been called off again.  He said that Jesus phoned and said that now they have hired Ashton Kutcher to take over Charlie Sheen’s role, he wants to see how the new season turns out.

Beer commercials have always depicted their customers as dumb but the new Busch ads have taken it to a new level.  It seems that their customers don’t have enough sense to know when the beer is cold, so Busch has a little label on the can that turns blue when the beer is cold. I can see a bunch of my old drinking buddies sitting around an ice cooler.  “Hey, is it cold yet?”  ….”Nope, the label hasn’t turned blue.”  “Damn. I’m thirsty”.

Conservative talk show host Michael Savage has been moaning and whining about why conservative talk show host like Rush, Beck, Sean Hannity  and himself never get invited to give commencement speeches at colleges.   Could it be that no one gives a shit about what ya’ll have to say?


Stay tuned for future adventures.

Snake Oil Senators

The next time you fill up your gas tank and drain your bank account, think of these bozos. Here are the 48 Senators who voted to keep Oil subsides.

Alexander (R-TN), Ayotte (R-NH), Barrasso (R-WY), Begich (D-AK), Blunt (R-MO), Boozman (R-AR), Brown (R-MA), Burr (R-NC), Chambliss (R-GA), Coats (R-IN), Coburn (R-OK), Cochran (R-MS), Corker (R-TN), Cornyn (R-TX), Crapo (R-ID), DeMint (R-SC), Enzi (R-WY), Graham (R-SC), Grassley (R-IA), Hatch (R-UT), Heller (R-NV), Hoeven (R-ND), Hutchison (R-TX), Inhofe (R-OK), Isakson (R-GA), Johanns (R-NE), Johnson (R-WI), Kirk (R-IL), Kyl (R-AZ), Landrieu (D-LA), Lee (R-UT), Lugar (R-IN), McCain (R-AZ), McConnell (R-KY), Moran (R-KS), Murkowski (R-AK), Nelson (D-NE), Paul (R-KY), Portman (R-OH), Risch (R-ID), Roberts (R-KS), Rubio (R-FL), Sessions (R-AL), Shelby (R-AL), Thune (R-SD), Toomey (R-PA), Vitter (R-LA), Wicker (R-MS)

We may give these assholes their jobs but they sure as hell don’t work for us. So far the major oil companies have pumped around $18 million into their bank accounts. 

I’ve been making fun of ole Harold (pseudo preacher) Camping who has predicted that the world will end this Saturday and then I realized that Oprah has tapped her last show, so what is there to live for anyway.
According to Harold, at 6pm pacific standard time, the righteous will fly up to Heaven.  Hey I’m all for it and I would just like to add “AND DON’T COME BACK.”

There is actually a proposition in San Francisco on the upcoming ballot in November to ban circumcision.  If it passes, to legally get circumcised, a male would have to be 18 years of age and insane.

The Celebrity 100 list is out and there is a new number one.  Oprah has been on top for a couple of years but this year it is Lady Gaga with $900 million. I understand she is changing her name to Lady Haha as she heads for the bank.

More information is coming out about Bin Laden’s porn stash.  His favorite movies appear to have been, Deep Goat, Debbie Does Abbottabad, Girls Gone Un-Veiled and Al-Qaida, Taliban Bang.  You would have thought a guy who has eluded the world for nine years would have hidden his stash a little better.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrumph Day

Have you heard about the dogs the Navy Seals are using? They are bulletproof, can hear through concrete and can record high-def video of missions, even in the dead of night.  I’m pretty sure one lives next door to me and has been working on night training for about six weeks now.

A Starbucks in El Paso has fired a dwarf that was working there. They said he didn’t come up to their standards.  I didn’t know when you interviewed for a job at Starbucks, they had a sign that says “You have to be this tall to serve.”  The dwarf is suing saying that he got the short end of the stick.  I guess it is ok to order a short drink but not from someone who is short. One of my readers on Facebook commented that Starbucks didn’t want you to know that coffee stunts your growth.

I see where the U.S. has reached its debt limit. Does that mean Visa is canceling Congress's credit card?

The Don has taken all the fun out of the upcoming Presidential race by dropping out.  I was looking forward to seeing him debate that thing on his head.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is accused of raping a hotel maid, is known as the IMF Chief.  If you are not sure what IMF stands for, I’ll give you a hint, the “I” stands for idiot.  You can fill in the MF.

The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau was one of the provisions of the sweeping Dodd-Frank financial reform bill enacted in 2010. This watchdog agency was designed to fix many of the regulatory loopholes that allowed big banks to take on too much risk. Well guess what? Congress is considering measures that would substantially weaken it before it writes its first new rule.  Just another case of Wall Street over Main Street in Washington D.C.  Your tax dollars at work.

Today’s good read is The Gods Of Greenwich  by Norb Vonnegut.  This is his second novel and is a real page turner set in the middle of the smarmy world of Wall Street and Hedge Funds.  Norb Vonnegut is to Wall Street what John Grisham is to Law.




 Stay tuned for future adventures

The Race For Second Place

The Republican heavy weights are starting to come out now that the running of the 45th Presidents Cup has begun.  Announced so far is Newton Leroy (Family Values Man, he has three) Gingrich, who seems to have as much trouble paying his taxes as staying faithful in marriage, but now says he has found Jesus. His odds are best if the world ends on May 21th as predicted by some crank-pot preacher in California.

Then there is Ron (Fish Sticks) Paul who wants to go back to the Gold standard and build a wall around America. His odds of winning are exactly the same as a snowball in hell.

Also tossing his hat into the ring but making sure he doesn’t mess up his hair-do is Mitt (Part-time politician, full-time Mormon) Romney who has no plan or vision for America but thinks he would look good in Rose Garden photo ops.  His odds are best for winning President of Utah.

Mike (Full-time politician, part-time preacher) Huckabee whose odds of winning were slightly ahead of the sun rising in the west has said he will not run.  He said his heart says no. Actually that was quite refreshing to hear.  I didn’t know politicians had hearts. Mike joins Mississippi Gov. Haley (My wife won’t let me run) Barbour,  and two other guys who’s name recognition are so low they have to introduce themselves to their wives,  have also decided to take their balls (that’s a sports metaphor) and go home.

We still don’t know about Donald (I may have a tiny brain, but I have a huge ego) Trump whose odds are in favor of him being voted buffoon of the year.  And of course we can’t rule out Sarah ( I may be stupid but I’m not as stupid as Michele Bachmann) Palin and Michele ( I make Sarah look like a genius) Bachmann because as more folks head for the sidelines, they may not be able to resist the lure of the spotlight. It would take quantum physics to figure their odds.

The White House must be shaking in their boots….from laughing.

AND NOW SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

The fact that lots of porn was found in Bin Laden’s compound is nothing new.  The U.S. has found a ton of pornography in the possession of al-Qaida operatives during previous raids. This porn consisted of hundreds of pictures of women without veils. 

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the leader of the International Monetary Fund was charged with the attempted rape of a hotel maid.  What? This dipshit couldn’t afford a hooker?

It’s been three years since we figured out Wall Street was robbing the country blind (and without a gun or mask) and not a single executive has seen the inside of a jail cell.  I guess crime does pay.





Stay tuned for future adventures

Big Oil Or Big Brother?

Conoco/Phillps sent out a press release this week saying it would be un-American to take away their tax breaks. The five major oil companies are showing a profit of $125 billion dollars this year. That’s $125 billion PROFIT….

What’s really un-American is that Senator Orin (I really need to be in the booby) Hatch defended them. Wow, you would think that the oil companies had maybe slipped a few dollars in Orin’s collection plate. Yeah, like around $255,000. They probably took that out of petty cash.

Speaking of oil, the price of oil has dropped significantly in the past couple of weeks including the single biggest one day drop in three years. Have you seen a drop in gasoline prices? “What goes up must come down,” only applies to the law of gravity not the price of gasoline at the pump.

James Tate, a senior at Shelton High School in Connecticut snuck onto school grounds last week to post 12-inch-tall letters to a wall outside of the school's entrance. The message read: "Sonali Rodrigues, Will you go to the prom with me? HMU -Tate." HMU is short for hit me up, or call me.

Sonali said yes, but Beth( The wicked Yankee witch from the east) Smith, the school headmaster, has said no. She says James broke the rules so she suspended him and is banning him from going to the prom. Sounds to me like Beth (I have a large stick up my ass) Smith probably never got asked to go the prom and now James is going to pay.

Congrats to Senator John McCain for finally doing something right. His speech slamming the rumor that we got the info for finding Bin Laden from water boarding was right on the money. Of course he still has a lot of making-up to do for subjecting the country to Sarah Palin, but this is a start.

Bristol Palin says that she underwent corrective jaw surgery, not plastic surgery. She says there was absolutely no plastic used at all. She also said that her mother really does read every magazine and newspaper in the world and keeps an eye on Russia from her front porch.

Harold Camping, co-founder of Family Radio, a network of Christian radio stations, is proclaiming May 21st. as Judgment Day. Ole Harold had first warned of an apocalypse that was supposed to have taken place Sept. 6, 1994. What a dumb ass. Everyone knows the world will end in 2012. Obviously Harold doesn’t have a Mayan Calendar.


Stay tuned for future adventures.

Happy Limerick Day

Today is National Limerick Day.  This is the day we celebrates the birthday of Writer Edward Lear (1812-1888), and of course Limerick poems. Limericks were popularized by Lear in 1846 in his Book of Nonsense. 
So I thought I would bring you a few modern day Limericks.  Feel free to contribute your own, but please NO “There was a man from Nantucket.”

 The Governor of Texas is a man named Perry.
He thinks school children should be able to carry,
Not just books, but guns and ammo,
So they can walk around acting like Rambo.
Personally I think this is really scary.

Al Qaeda’s mass murder Osama,
Got a message from President Obama.
It was two bullets to the head
From Navy Seals who also said,
“By the way, screw your mama.”

There was a man from Georgia named Newt,
Whose wife number three is really cute.
He says he discovered Jesus and is born again,
And has been forgiven of his many sins.
Even for a politician, that is a  real beaut.

Arnold and Maria are separated after 25 years.
She was Champaign, but he was beers.
She smiled and said, “Hit the road, Jack,”
While he mumbled, “I’ll be back.”
It was all low key, practically no tears.

Poor Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.
She constantly screws up facts and then some.
Mostly she gives history a re-mix.
Thinks the Civil War was fought in 1776.
The fact is, she’s just plain dumb.

The Tea Party is so very upset,
About the looming National debt.
They watched Bush spend year after year,
Not saying a word or shedding a tear.
They may be the biggest hypocrites yet.



Stay tuned for future adventures

Newton Discovers Jesus

Ole Newton Leroy Gingrich has tossed his hat into the ring.  He and his cute little trophy wife number 3 (she’s 22 years younger) say that Newton has discovered Jesus.  I don’t know if Newton was sitting under an apple tree when Jesus fell on him or what.  I wonder if Nitwit has told his entire conservative, family values flock that most of his campaign money comes from a gambling mogul. I doubt it, he has to sell them on wifey pooh #3 and being born again first.

The Texas Senate has passed Dan (Pillsbury dough boy) Patrick’s bill to allow lawmakers to pack heat anywhere they go, ie, church, bars, sporting events.  In other words, in all kinds of places no one else can carry a gun.  Gee, sounds to me like these boys are feeling a little paranoid, you know like maybe folks are out to get them for doing such a lousy job.

Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife of 25 years, Maria Shriver, announced Monday that they are separating. I’m not sure which one delivered the line, “I won’t be back.”

Here is a good one. It’s called the Free State Project and the members call themselves “Free Staters.”   Today, nearly 1,000 of these “Free Staters” have moved to New Hampshire and if the movement succeeds, 20,000 Free Staters will soon be living in a Granite State community focused on libertarian, small-government principles.

Most of these Free Staters are followers of Libertarian Ron Paul.  A spokesman for the Libertarians said, “We felt we could maximize our influence by trying to focus on a single state where we could move and start to impact the political system.”  The movement started in 2003 and now 12 members of the New Hampshire legislature call themselves Free Staters. New Hampshire is also where the Presidential primary kicks off.  I am assuming since the motto on their license plates is “Live Free Or Die,” you either have to join the Free Staters or kill yourself.   Kool-Aid anyone?


And another preacher bites the dust. Evidently lying is in their DNA. The Rev. Jim Moats, a 59-year-old pastor at the Christian Bible Fellowship Church in Newville, Pa. has been telling his flock for years that he served in Vietnam and was a Navy Seal.  It seems both stories were a big fat lie.

After he was dumb enough to do an interview with The Patriot-News, a real navy seal confronted him and he confessed he made it all up.  He said he took some things that he had seen in a Steven Segal movie and passed them off as true.  Steven Segal? At least he could have come up with a real actor like Matt Damon or Bruce Willis.

Today's good read is Red On Red by Edward Conlon.  A very well written detective story written by a real detective. This is one of the best books I've read lately.



Stay tuned for futures adventures.