Sleeps Til Noon: Giving Thanks

Here are a couple of interviews I would like to hear just once in my lifetime.

Pinhead sports announcer: Well Jim Bob you guys finally won the big one.

Goober quarterback: Yeah and I have to give all the credit to the Lord. You know most of the boneheads on my team are lazy as hell. They don’t even show up for practice half the time. Hell I’m pretty sure a couple of them are homos. Anyway the lord decided we should win today. I guess those assholes on the other team must have been even bigger dipshits than us.

Pinhead CNN announcer: Wow, it is a miracle that you are alive after a storm like that.

Goober citizen. Yeah and first of all I have to give a big thank you to the Lord. You know when that wind started blowing, .I got down on my knees and prayed harder that I have ever prayed in my life and when I walked out the front door, I knew that my prayers had been answered.

Pinhead CNN announcer: Well yeah, you still breathing is proof of that.

Goober citizen: Well no, it was when I saw that my asshole arrogant neighbor’s house had been completely blown away with him in it.

Peabrain Fox News announcer: We are talking with Willard Jenkins, the sole survivor of a plane crash that killed 297 people.

Williard: I’ve got to thank the Lord big time for that for sure, but I have to admit I’m a little pissed he let me get on a plane with 297 losers.

NRA sprokesman: I’m here with Clyde Bonner, part-time security guard whose gun accidentally fell from his holster and discharged 4 times while attending a wedding. You’re a lucky man Clyde.

Clyde: You can say that and I have to give all the credit to Lord for taking care of me. Those bullets were ricocheting all over the place and I didn’t get a scratch. I was pulling my snuff can out of my pocket when my cuff caught on the hammer of my 44 mag and flipped it out of the holster. I do feel bad for the two bridesmaids, the preacher and my wife who were hit, but I think they just have to chalk that up to being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Testimony from a satisfied client of ChristianMingle. Com.

I want to thank the Lord for leading me to ChristianMingle. Com. I hadn’t had a date since 1993. I mean I couldn’t get laid in women’s prison with a handful of pardons and within two days of signing up to their website, I was banging my brains out.