Tiz The Season

 Once again Mother Nature has drug her cold front through town.  Spent the day covering up water faucets and wrapping up windows.  Boy what fun.  I don't like cold weather, never have.  I spent a year in Denver many years ago and if I never see snow again, it will be fine with me. If I want to see snow, I'll go visit it somewhere else.  I am a warm weather person. 

I think maybe I'm part bear.  I really would like to sleep through the winter and wake up when spring has sprung.  Christmas is not my favorite time of the year anyway and the weather makes it doubly so. As I said a while back, I always get a touch of the humbug this time of year. 

I'm not a religious person so that part doesn't interest me and mostly I believe the Christmas season is a product of retail merchants to make us feel really terrible and guilty if we don't buy lots of stuff.  I believe we should give gifts to people we like anytime of the year we feel like it. Not just at Christmas. 

Now that I have got that said, I have to get out of here and go buy presents. And by the way, I hope everyone has a happy holiday.

Stay tuned for future adventures.    

 

A Few Quotes From Yesteryear

This was originally written in 2016.  

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 65 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor .”

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Let's Talk Turkey

 

Now that we have made it through the supposedly scariest holiday of the season, let me remind you that the one coming up is actually the scariest of all.  THANKSGIVING……What you say, Thanksgiving?  Yes, try to clear out the brainwashing we've grown up with about how Thanksgiving is such a grand holiday and truly remember memories of the Thanksgiving dinner with people you really don’t like. 

 

Yes, try to zero in on the brainwashing we’ve grown up with a see if you can’t drum up some mandatory gratitude. This may take some doing if you are still obligated to show up to sit across the table with people who from childhood still either mispronounce your name or don’t know it at all. Uncle Wilburt who always messed up your hair with that stupid grin on his face or Aunt Millie who pinched you on the cheek and asked about school even if you are married and have two children.

When growing up you always visualized that day when you would move away and live too far to attend Thanksgiving dinner.  Ha, according to the Thanksgiving rules,( which I believe are stored somewhere in the vault with your permanent record,) if you still live on the same continent, you are obligated to make Thanksgiving Dinner. (But Mom, it’s eight hundred miles home…..Oh silly, you love driving that car…..But Mom, it’s got 150,000 miles on it….See how reliable it is.) I know that a lot of these people are now dead as the turkey, but they still live in our Thanksgiving memory banks.

And speaking of dinner, why is it always turkey or ham?  We are all in this together so how about meatballs and spaghetti or enchiladas or hot dogs and hamburgers. Bottom line, get you a prescription for anxiety or just load up on valium and head home.  You are locked in……..It’s the law.

And then in less than 24 hours we go from giving the blessing to shouting curse words at our fellow shoppers on Black Friday.  I don’t why we don’t call it Black and Blue Friday.  Black Friday is the most brutal shopping day of the year.

     “Gimmie those sheets or give me death,” can be heard in every department store around the country.  I know some of the stress has been eliminated by on-line shopping, but it is still a shopping nightmare.  And then in a couple of weeks we will begin the war of words over should we say, “Merry Christmas or Happy Holiday”.

 

 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

 

 

I'm Just Sayin'

 

Trumpypoo announced his newest send me money campaign scam this week.  Of course he didn’t come right out and say, “Send me money,” he just said he was going to run for President in two years…….TWO YEARS?  He could be dead, in jail or living in some country that doesn’t have an extradition clause in two years. I’m pretty sure the MAGA gang (Morons And Goobers Association) were down at the post office the next morning sending him their rent checks for this month.  It makes you wonder how stupid one must be to send money to a guy who claims to be a billionaire.

 

I see where Kari (I may not have a penis, but I’m as much a dick as Trump) Lake the looser of her campaign to be Governor of Arizona is refusing to concede the election.  Who cares?  She lost and the fine folks of Arizona have said all there is to say about it.

Hershel (My brain needs a) Walker went after the werewolf vote this week.  I’m not sure that is a good move since werewolves only come out at night after the polls close.

 

Mother Nature drug her cold front though town this week which made me wonder if my wishing for Texas to turn blue was misdirected.  I don’t like cold weather mostly because I find it inconvenient.  You have to dig out the cold weather clothes, bundle up to go outside and then fifteen minutes after you get in the car, you’re too hot.  Life is so tedious. 

I have been a Dallas Cowboy fan right from the very first cheerleader and when they would screw up a big game and lose like they did last Sunday, I would be bummed for a week.  Now it is about two minutes.  I think it has to do with my attention span.

 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

 

 

 

Soggy Thoughts on a Rainy Day

 

First rule of redneck poetry. It doesn’t have to make sense; it just must rhyme.

It’s that time of the year when leaves begin turning and then they turn loose because we all know what’s good for the gander is good for the goose.

Roses are red and violets are blue.  I don’t have another line so this will have to do.

 

How about fairy tales?  Explain how Little Red Ridding Hood doesn’t know the difference between her grandmother and a wolf.  Or Goldie Locks tendency to trespass.  I never bought into pigs living in houses or Jack and Jill being that clumsy.  Also how did Humpy Dumpty get up on that wall?

More questions that have bothered me are who picked up the check at the last supper and who let the dogs out?  Also how did Alexander Bell know Mr. Watson’s phone number?  I understand Mr. Watson’s answer machine picked up when he called.

How many people fell off the earth before Isaac Newton discovered the law of gravity?

Since he is called the Lone Ranger, was Tonto his imaginary friend?

I keep seeing things referring to “Deep East Texas.” I live in east Texas and there is nothing deep about it.

 

 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

 

 

 

 

Bubbles From My Soapbox

 

The mid-term elections have turned out to be mid-terminal for many Republicans whose political careesr are now DOA. The voting part is over, but the counting part continues.  I am beginning to think that they are using Count Dracula from Sesame Street to do the counting.  Many of the contests are still too close to call.  Colorado Congressmoron Lauren (Bobblehead) Boebert is in a tight race, but she says she will win because she has found a number of votes for her that were stuffed in a tip jar in the bar she owns in Colorado.

Donald Jerk Trump is complaining that all the candidates that he picked who lost were recommended to him by wife Melanoma and the custodian at Mar-a-Largo.

Otherwise, the big giant Red Wave that was predicted by the Republicans has turned into a small pink drip. Makes sense since that’s who most of the Republican candidates turned out to be.

Many fine folks here in the Lone Star State are still grieving over four more years of Gregg (Hell-on-Wheels) Abbott, but as they say, “Shit floats to the top.”

Now that election time is over, it’s time to start dreading the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, but that is for another post.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Hump Day

 

Here are two of the biggest humps on the planet.

 

Gregg (Hell-on-Wheels) Abbott..    

Parents all over the Lone Star state voted for a jerk who doesn’t give a shit if their children are shot and killed while in school.  This bonehead is even hated by trees.  Yes, the reason this asshole is in a wheelchair is because a tree limb fell on him.  He sued and got a ton of money from it and then as soon as he became Governor of Texas, he got the law changed so no one else could get that kind of money from an accident.  Nice guy, huh?  And after the school shooting in Uvalde, Tx where nineteen students and two teachers were killed Ole Gregg wheeled down there immediately….Actually no he didn’t. He went to a fundraiser first then showed up a couple of days later and lied his ass off about what happened.

 

Ron (Trump Two) DeSpicable, Governor of Florida would like to cut Medicare and Social Security.  I’m pretty sure there are lots of retired folks who live in Florida that you would think would be against that.  Evidently when you vote in Florida, they check your I.Q. instead of I.D. and if it’s above 70 they don’t let you vote. I’m not sure about that and could have just made that up.  When you look at a map of Florida it looks like a giant penis, so it’s no wonder so many dicks live there.

 

 

 

 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Musing and Pondering

 

I wonder why born-again Christians don’t get a better hair-do out of that deal?

I understand there is a new support group for former Trump supporters.  It’s called Assholes Anonymous.  “Hi I’m Fred, I’m an asshole…I voted for him twice.”

I’ll be glad when T.G.I.F.  stands for Trump Gang Indicted Finally.

What do call girls do on Halloween when someone says, “Trick or treat.”?

Elon Musk is now the head Twit. I understand he is thinking about changing the name from Twitter to Rant.

Tonight, will be the start of the 118th World Series and once again only teams from America will be playing.  

The shaking has stopped.  Jerry Lee Lewis R.I.P.

I wonder why Charlie Rich never recorded “Money” and The Zombies never recorded “Stagger Lee.”

 

 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

 

HUMP DAY

 

And here are some of the biggest humps of the day.

 

Donald Jerk Trump.  It seems they found the call logs from the White House on Jan. 6^th at Mara-a-Largo.  It wouldn’t surprise me if Amelia Earhart didn’t show up there one day.

Ken (I fought the law and the law won) Paxton, Texas Attorney General.  Apparently Ken made a break for the border, but the subpoena folks caught him anyway. Crooked Ken was trying to avoid testifying in an abortion lawsuit.

Elon (I have a ton of money but very little sense) Musk has made a new offer to buy Twitter. The company is up to it’s eyeballs in legal problems.

Vladimir ( I may be Russian, but damn slow mentally) Putin is proving to be the Russian version of General George Custer, America’s dumbest military General.

Herschel (My I.Q. is the same as my jersey number) Walker has been accused of paying for a former girlfriend’s abortion.  Walker has denied the accusation saying he has never had sex with anyone.  Herschel’s four children  responded by saying they had no idea they were adopted. 

 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Tis The Season

 

It is hurricane season again, so here is my annual blog post about it. The prediction for this year’s hurricane season is out and they call for a similar season as last year. They are predicting 14 to 21 named storms and with a possibly of 10 hurricanes, 3 of 6 which will be in the “major” range. It will be the seventh straight year of above average hurricane season. Tropical storm Alex is already forming out in the Atlantic. 

Twenty two years ago when I began writing SURGE, I had just read a similar article about how active the next ten to fifteen years were going to be for hurricanes.  After much research and many visits to hurricane conferences, interviewing lots of folks with the National Weather Bureau and emergency managers in our area, I came to know how vulnerable Houstonians and the people who live in New Orleans were to a major hurricane. 

I decided on writing a novel because I didn’t want to write about hurricanes that had been here, ie, the great Galveston hurricane of 1900 or Carla, I wanted to write about the one that was still out there.  After talking with a lot of different people in the area, I knew there was a certain amount of apathy about hurricanes.  I was guilty of it myself.  My foremost priority was to have an exciting story that would be a good read no matter what part of the country you lived in, but I also wanted to try to make people who live in coastal areas aware of what could happen if we were to take a direct hit by a Category 4 or 5 storm.

SURGE was published in 2004, the same year that Florida got slammed with four hurricanes, but we here in Texas were unscathed. Then things got really scary in 2005. We all sat in front of our TV’s and watched the terrible scenes unfolding from Katrina’s visit to New Orleans which was only a Category 2 storm by the time it came ashore.

I still remember very vividly coming home from a live interview via satellite with Rita Cosby on MSNBC as Hurricane Rita churned as a Category 5 in the Gulf heading straight for Houston. This was a scenario that I had been living with for almost 5 years and now it appeared to be coming true. Fortunately as we all know, Rita weakened to a Category 2 and turned right before hitting us, doing the most damage to Beaumont and southern Louisiana.

If you are interested in what could have happened had she not made a little jog and stayed a Category 5, I invite you to read SURGE.  It’s still available at Amazon; book or Kindle (you can click on the button by the book cover), or you can order it at any book store in the world.  I have been told by a number of weather experts including the fine people at the National Hurricane Center in Miami and hurricane consultants that SURGE is an accurate portrayal of what could happen if Houston has to face a direct hit from a Category 5 storm. 

Below are a few quotes from some of them.  

“….It presents a scary scenario that is entirely possible in the Houston/Galveston area.  The type of storm described in this book is a Meteorologist’s nightmare.”
Gene Hafele, National Weather Service, Houston/Galveston.  

“Being an emergency manager, I was a bit reluctant to get started, thinking I wouldn’t really care for it, but when I finally got to it, I couldn’t put it down.  A great story with some good surprises.”  

Eliot Jennings, Emergency Manager Coordinator, City of Galveston

  

“What made Surge a gripping, “couldn’t put it down” read, was Tanner’s physical descriptions of Dolly.  Few in this area understand the enormous destructive power of a Category 5 hurricane and how a direct hit will transform this area.  Tanner translates the dry statistical data and predictions into a frightening description of what will happen to those unfortunates caught in such a storm’s path.  I could hear the howling winds and see the angry storm surge charging up Galveston Bay.  I could feel the “soaked to the bone” exhaustion as the characters fought to survive Dolly’s wrath.”  

 Bill King, Mayor, City of Kemah            

“In SURGE, Tanner has dotted his work with a cast of characters as colorful as his background.  There’s the good, the bad, the beauty and those in-between.  From politicians to Joe Blue-collar, they’re all there and then some.”

Chuck Hlava, Editor Mariner’s Log  

“Mr Tanner’s highly descriptive narrative brings the story alive showing what emergency managers along the coast fear more than any type of event, a major hurricane, what I call a Tropical Terrorist.  His wordsmithing has made this storm story a very human one - thanks to the use of real locations known to people that live in the area today.  As I read it, I could picture the event happening.”

Lew Fincher, VP of Hurricane Consulting  

 So hurricane season is here again and once again the same thought is running through my mind.  That storm is sill out there.    

You Talkin' To Me

 

We know that birds and animals communicate with each other. I think they do a much better job at it than we do.  We have seen flocks of birds turn at the same time and schools of fish do the same thing.  Whereas humans struggle with who goes first at a four-way intersection.  Probably the birds and animals don’t have sarcasm, snarkiness or humor to deal with. 

We on the other hand fumble greatly at responses and questions from our fellow man.  The proper response if your wife asks you, “Does this dress make me look fat?” is to answer with another question like, “Do you think I’m an idiot?”  If at your wedding when you say “I do,” and your lovely bride says “Oh no you don’t.” It’s probably going to be a rough ride.

Another good response is no response.  If your child asks you for money, “No” is the best response.  This response only works with your wife if you are in jail. 

Most politicians and preachers have confused communicating with convoluting.  I also believe most of the companies in the communication business are not communicating, they are only promoting or selling.

There are people who love the sound of their voice, but don’t hear a word they are saying.

I believe that sometimes a smile communicates better than opening your mouth.

The bottom line here is, if someone calls you a bird brain….take it as a compliment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stay tuned for future adventures

 

An Artsy Week-End

 

We had a great Art Show in our home town this past weekend with some fabulous art work. All kinds of paintings, acrylic, oils, water colors and sketches plus photography. Did I take a picture? No not one, but I have them all locked up here in my tiny little brain. I’m not a dumb person but sometimes I do dumb things….like not taking a single picture of great art works.  Actually, I did take one picture.  This is my sweetie and with her blue-ribbon winner.  This fabulous piece of art work is all fabric. It's about Ukraine called, Facing Oblivion. The background represents the devastation in that country. The sunflower is their national flower which continues it's tenuous bloom.

Nobody has ever called me a genius, but they have also never called me a nincompoop either. Although I really like the word nincompoop and try to use it as much as possible.  Since I live in deep East Texas, I get to use it quite a bit.

I have been slogging away at my new novel, so the blog has not been front and center for the last week or so.  I think since the novel is a serious piece, the goofy silly stuff that usually makes up the blog has taken some time off.  I woke up the other night and was worried that I would never think of anything funny again, but then I realized that was funny, so I went back to sleep…til noon. 

Back when I was a heavy drinker, I could drink a fifth of Johnny Walker Black in about two hours, and everything I said was hilarious.  You would think that since I pass through the day sober, remembering everything I do, I would have more silly dumb things to say.

Back in my radio daze, I was known as “Ole Weird Rod”,

You can listen here at your own risk. 

https://youtu.be/UUZWdzcdZpE

 

Now that I live out in the country, I’m known as “Ole Retired Rod”, heavy on the “tired” part.

 

 

Stay tuned for future adventures

 

April 1, 2022

 

Today is April Fools Day.  Of course, any fool knows that.  Well, there is Ted (I Haven’t Got a Clue) Cruz. He probably thinks it’s his birthday.  

Come to think of it, there are hundreds of thousands of people that it is their birthday. I wonder if they have doubts about the sincerity of the people singing happy birthday to them or if they worry if the birthday cake is loaded with exploding candles?  Just a thought.

My best April Fool prank when I was in school was to give my teachers a note that said, “I’m studying for the priesthood and have taken a vow of silence. Please don’t ask me any questions.” They would always ask, “Is this true?” and I would immediately answer, “Absolutely.” 

The Trump White House staff has released a statement explaining the over 7 hours gap in the telephone logs on January 6^th.  They said they had signed up for AT&T’s insurrection plan. 

I’m really sick and tired of all the press and comments on Will Smith slapping Chris Rock.  By the way it’s been five days since Will has slapped anyone. 

Ginni and Clarence Thomas are the next Bonnie and Clyde.  Or they could be Mr. and Mrs. Benedict Arnold of the 21^st century?  Maybe they’re just two sorry individuals who were looking for love hate and found each other?

A proposed bill before the Tennessee state legislature would eliminate age requirements for marriage.  I mean who’s to say that a ten-year-old kid can’t fall in love. I understand that Pedophile Anonymous is backing the bill.

 The Rolling Stones are preparing for their 60^th world tour. As the old saying goes, “A rolling stone gathers no moss, but they do collect a ton of money.”

Stay tuned for further adventures.