Rare Saturday Sermon

There is a new cult in my neck of the woods called the Church of Wells.  It is located in Wells which is a little dip in the road between Lufkin and Tyler Texas.  You may have read or heard about it since they have been in the news of late.  It seems the Church of Wells believes everyone is born a sinner and the only way to get right with Jesus is to be born again. Personally I lean toward the First Church of the Frisbee, where they believe when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and you can’t get it down.

The whole thing about us all being born sinners comes from the Garden of Eden and a talking snake which makes me think the book of Genesis might have been written by Steven King.  What the Church of Wells follows is stuff that is written in the Book of Acts which of course comes from the Gospel of Luke which of course is from Star Wars.

Personally I can’t remember what it was like being born in the first place so I am having trouble with the whole born again process.  Does it involve going all the way back to step one (conception), the wonderful folks who conceived me are no longer with us.  Do you pick it up at the point of sliding out of the womb, the doctor who delivered me is also long gone or is it at that time in your life when you say, “how in the hell did I get here?” which I have said too many times to remember because I won’t stop and ask for directions.

I’m not sure why the local media has gone full blown coverage over a cult.  You would think they had never heard of the Catholic Church

I don’t believe in what these folks think but I believe in their right to believe what ever they want.  I could care less in what they believe or do as long as they don’t start serving Kool-Aid to their followers.
 
I will say this to all those folks who claim to have been born again.  If you really were born again why didn’t you get a better hair-do?








Stay tuned for future adventures.

Another T.G.I.F.

Hey it’s Friday the 13th and you know what that means. We are 13 days into the month and it’s the last day of the week.  It is also the T-Bag Bonehead Republican’s favorite holiday, National Blame Someone Else Day.  Of course they actually do this everyday of the year but today it is official.  

Even a jerk like Russian President Putin realizes that another war in the Middle East is not a good thing.   Of course the Republican war hawks are beside themselves that we haven’t started a new war.  After all, Iraq is over and we are leaving Afghanistan so how are they going to justify the giant defense budget if we are not shooting and bombing people.

It appears the George Zimmerman Defense Fund was misnamed.  It should have been called the George Zimmerman Living It Up Fund as none of the over three hundred thousand dollars went to pay his attorneys.  They say they haven’t received a nickel. The upside of this is that the gun nuts who shelled out this cash didn’t get to spend it on guns and bullets.

Evolution is a funny thing. An example is how “Dancing with the Stars” has evolved into “Dancing with Someone You Might Have Heard Of.”

Oh the irony.  Michele Bachman could be convicted of violating campaign law for using money from her campaign to promote her book “Core of Convictions.”

Pope Frankie the Sissy announced yesterday that you don’t have to believe in God to get into heaven.  I think everyone is okay with that except the two boneheads who wrote the “Left Behind” series.  I understand they are devastated.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrumph Day

When I would look out over the political landscape of Texas, I was sure that we had the absolute most dumbass politicians in the country.  Well I have to admit I was wrong.  Even though North Carolina and Florida have come close to beating us in the stupid category, it is Iowa that takes the prize.  They have decided that it is ok for blind people have the right to carry guns. BLIND PEOPLE….PEOPLE WHO CAN’T SEE WHAT THEY ARE SHOOTING.

Of course blind folks have to take a little different tack when it comes to confronting criminals.  Instead of yelling don’t make a move or I’ll shoot. They say please move so I can hear where you are and then shoot you.


It appears that the politicians don’t have a lock on stupidity in Iowa, preachers make their mark also.  A youth council pastor in Council Bluffs, Iowa said he had a good reason for having sex with teenage boys.  He said, “to help them with homosexual urges by praying while he had sexual contact with them.”  I do agree that the only time many people talk to God is during sex but I really don’t think that is what this bonehead meant.

 Thanks to Texas Governor Rick (Hey I’m Healthy as a Horse and Dumb as a Mule) Perry's health care program known as JesusCare (Pray That You Don’t Get Sick), Texas is now dead last in health care quality according to a federal report released this week. 

A new documentary, “Mission Congo,” puts the spotlight on Pat Robertson’s refugee charity, Operation Blessing.  It says that planes that were supposed to be used to carry medical supplies were actually carrying diamond-mining equipment to Robertson’s mining operations.  Robertson said, “They are completely false.”  When asked if he thought his followers believed him, he said, “my followers believe in Immaculate Conception, talking snakes, that a man can live inside of a whale and that the earth is only six thousand years old. What do you think?” 




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday's Monologue

George (Quick-Draw McGraw) Zimmerman is being held by the Florida police for threatening to shoot his wife and father-in-law.  George said it was complications from a medical condition he had. He said it had been awhile since he had shot someone and just had a really itchy trigger finger.  


The S.W.A.T team in Pine Bluff Arkansas killed a 107 year old resident of a nursing home in shoot-out over the week-end.  They said they had no choice; the man had barricaded himself in his room and was shooting through the door.  Let’s see. He is in a room that he can’t get out of and everybody is safely away.  What was the urgency?  I am pretty sure the Pine Bluff “long arm of the law but extremely short on the brain cells” team could have waited a while. I doubt if he had a stockpile of bullets and at 107 he could have dropped dead in the next two minutes. I wonder if the head of the S.W.A.T team in Pine Bluff is named Zimmerman.

An off-duty police officer in Conroe,Tx has shot a 17 year old kid who was thought to have been shoplifting.  The officer said he shot the boy because the teenager was fighting him and he feared for his life.  The problem is that the boy was shot in the back of the head. Sounds like a wanabe Zimmerman to me.

The International Olympic committee wants Lance (I'm Not A Drug Addict, I'm Just Stupid)Armstrong to give back the Bronze Medal he won in the 2000 Sydney Olympics.  Lance said he didn’t have the medal, has never had it, has never been to the Olympics and has never ridden a bicycle.

The Three Stooges traveled to Egypt over the week-end to have a love fest with the head of the Military, General “I’m not a Sissy”, who overthrew the elected President Mohamed Morsi, who was a top Muslim Brotherhood leader.  The 2013 Stooges are Congressmorons Michelle (I Really Am Dumbass) Bachman, Louie (I Am an Even Bigger Dumbass) Gohmert and Steve (I’m Just Plain Stupid) King.  The three also mentioned that the Muslim Brotherhood was who attacked us on 9/11.  I guess they didn’t get the memo about Osama bin Laden and Al- Qaeda.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Signs of Life

All my life I have heard people say that they were looking for some sign that they were on the right path.  I was never sure exactly what sign they were looking for but it made me aware that there are a number of signs around us that we should pay attention to.  Here are a few.

I don’t trust this one. This is Government work so for all I know they might have closed the wrong lane.

 This one pretty well states where the Republican Party is today.

In the middle of nowhere.

 This sign

Usually leads to this sign.

Kudos to the San Antonio city council who voted 8 to 3 this week to approve anti-bias protections for gay and transgender residents.  They join another 180 cities across the country that has approved similar ordnances. Of course most of the top Republicans in Texas including Attorney General Gregg (I'm Just Not a Stand-Up Kinda Guy) Abbott and Senaterrible Ted (I Have Yet to Have an Original Thought) Cruz were against it because of religious beliefs.  That belief being that they have the right to hate anyone who is not like them.  This sign pretty well says it all.

I think this is the only sign I am going to pay attention to.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

It's Hump Day

The hump of the week and possibly of all time is Donald (I Just Start Wars, I Don't Finish Them) Dumsfield.  Ole Donnie, master planner of the “Aw shucks, did we fuck up” war on Iraq, went on the TV to slam President Obama for not charging over to Syria and starting a war.  He said, "You have to have a vision, you have to know what you're going to do.” What a dumbass, Helen Keller had more vision than this jerk.

All the humps out there who continue to post sayings on Facebook and everywhere else about putting prayer back in school. Kids are praying all day long. “God please help me pass this test. Please make that red headed girl like me. Please don’t have the teacher ask me a question.”   Every kid in every class room in every school in America can sit and pray all day long.  They just can’t do it over the loudspeaker.

Dennis (My Only Friend is a Cruel, Evil Dictator) Rodman is back in North Korea visiting his buddy Kim Jon Un. I think you could call them asshole buddies since they both qualify. Dennis might watch his back though, last week the news reported Kim Jon Un had his ex-girl friend executed. Dennis may wish he had gone to North Dakota instead.

Tim (God’s Number One Draft Pick)Tebow has been cut by the New England Patriots. Little Timmy’s professional football career has turned out to be about as long as his passing game. 

Ted (Lance Armstrong is My Mentor) Cruz’s new TV ad slamming Obamacare has received the Pinocchio award from the Washington Post’s fact checker. 



Stay tuned for future adventures.

To Hell with Labor, It's Rest Day

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