Tee'd Off

I have been saying for months that most of the Tea Party members are complete wackos and the last couple of Republican debates have been solid proof.  First the Republicans at the debate at the Ronald Reagan library applauded for the executions of 274 people in Texas and at the latest Republican debate they called out for a man to die who doesn’t have health insurance.

Actually since the Tea Party fraction of the Republican Party has taken over they are sounding more like Nazi’s or Storm Troopers everyday.
From now on I will refer to these pinheads as members of the T-Party.  Tea has no place with this bunch of bone heads.  Any of the following T words will work better than Tea to explain these kooks.
Testy
Tacky
Tawdry
Temper Mental
Tailspin’
Tantrum
Tapeworm
Tarnish
Tardy
Tart
Tasteless
Temporary
Terrible
Thoughtless
Throttle
Thug
Tiny
Thud
Tiresome
Tirade
Tom foolery
Toxic
Trash
Trench Mouth
Trivial
Trite
Trouble Maker
Tumor
Turncoat
Twist
Twit
Two Faced
Tyrannical
Feel free to pick out your favorite.

Texas Governor Rick (Born again and again and again) Perry spoke at Liberty University this week.  Liberty University is the college founded by Jerry (I would like to be born again but right now I’m deader than a doornail) Farwell.  Jerry you remember blamed 9/11 on abortionists, the feminists and gays.  Anyway Sick Rick told the audience that when he was 27 he “wrestled with God.”  He didn’t elaborate whether it was a best two out of three match or if it was just arm wrestling.

Mitt ( I have a better hair-do than Rick Perry) Romney speaking in Arizona yesterday said this about Darth ( I really am a Dick) Cheney.  “This is a man of wisdom and judgment, and he could have been president of the United States.” ...What do you mean could have been?


Stay tuned for future adventures.

Tuesday Twofer

Today is National Defy Superstition Day and National Positive Thinking Day.  Yes two different holidays on the same day that seems to counter act each other.  My first thoughts were that who ever dreamed up these two was either a schizophrenic or prankster.  Hey maybe he was a schizophrenic who like to play pranks. 
So I thought I would celebrate by walking under ladders, letting black cats cross my path, breaking a few mirrors, stepping on every crack in the sidewalk, sitting a hat on a bed, , lighting three cigarettes with one match, killing a ladybug, letting some milk boil over, throwing away my lucky horseshoe and rabbit foot, putting my shoes on a table, leaning a broom on a bed, swallowing a watermelon seed, and opening an umbrella in the house. I plan on doing this while shouting what a great day it is and singing Don’t Worry, Be Happy.


I didn’t watch last nights Republican debate since I had watched the last one and decided that it was two hours of my life completely wasted that I would never get back, but let me guess, they all said they would put 11 million people back to work their first day in office and wouldn’t raise taxes.  Yeah, good luck with that.
Scientist just announced fifty new planets they have found.  Remember when we were told there were only nine planets?  Oh yeah, and the earth was flat and we were the center of the universe.  Amazing how solid, cold hard facts are not as solid and hard as we sometime think.  Texas Governor Slick Rick (I’m so full of bullshit, its running out my boots) Perry might better take another look at climate change data.

Warped Wednesday

 Another Labor Day has come and gone where we pay homage to the millions of folks who once had jobs.

A lady at Walgreen’s asked me if I wanted a flu shot.  I said no but told her when you start doing tequila shots, let me know.

I have finally figured out why every dog in my neighborhood HATES the postman.  They never get any mail.  I have two cats and they get lots of mail.  Of course it’s mostly cat-a-logs.

Lindsay Lohan announced last week that she just a got a lyric from Billy Joel  tattooed on her back.  When she was told that “I Fought the Law and the Law Won” wasn’t a Billy Joel song, she said, "that’s what I get for listening to dad when he has been drinking."

.

Ed Rollins, campaign manager for Michele (I love a good turnover) Bachmann has resigned along with his deputy.  This is nothing new in the Bachmann camp.  She has had six chiefs of staff in four years, five press secretaries, five legislative directors and three communications directors. Michele said it was just part of her always revolving door policy.  

Here is a news flash for you. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says he thinks Moe Gadhafi Duck is on the run.  You think…?  A custom official said that a number of convoys of forces loyal to Moe crossed into Niger including ten vehicles loaded with gold, dollars and euros.  More than likely Moe got one of those emails from Nigeria and is heading over there to help some kind person get their money out of the country.  Then again he may just stop in Niger which 80% is covered by the Sahara desert. He always said he loved the beach.

Former Vice President Darth ( I really am a Dick) Cheney will soon be on the road promoting his new memoir In My Time.  He’ll be signing books at a gun show near you.

Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney proposed Tuesday to reduce regulations and taxes on companies.  Most large companies don’t pay any taxes now.  How do you go any lower than zero? And since the Government is deep in the red, how is taking in less money going to help us out of debt?   Oh I forgot, helping large companies is what the GOP  (Greedy Old Politicians) is all about.


Stay tuned for future adventures.

Flippant Friday

Tweet I have been trying to come up with some jokes about former Vice-President Darth (I really am a Dick) Cheney’s memoir but have come up totally blank.  Apparently there is absolutely nothing funny about starting wars and torturing people by water boarding.

The memoir is entitled In My Time.  Personally I would like to read about him “doing time” as a war criminal.  Darth has supposedly suffered 4 heart attacks.  I say supposedly because I always thought you had to have a heart to have a heart attack.  

Anheuser-Busch has created a Facebook page to enable parents to talk with experts and help educate their children about underage drinking.  I understand the number one tip is to never order Coors, Miller’s  or any Mexican beer.   Other great tips are where to buy fake id’s, how to look older and always avoid throwing up on your date or in your parents car.

Why do they call it Fox news?  To my knowledge they have never run a single story about a fox.

I can’t believe the Rebels in Libya still don’t know where Gadhafi Duck  is….Don’t they have Google? 

Slick Rick (I’m not a crook) Perry is the Texas version of Tricky Dick (I’m not a crook) Nixon.  Both are cut from the same sleazy, unethical, corrupt, serial politician cloth. 

It appears that Bill (I’m not as fat as Rush, but I have just as big an ego) O’Rielly’s little wifey pooh was having an affair with a detective from the Long Island Police Department.  I guess you could say she went from a Political Dick to a Police Dick.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Oily Michele Bachmann

Tweet
Michele (I Heart Big Oil) Bachmann is once again talking out of both sides of her mouth.  On one hand she says she would consider allowing drilling in the Everglades, if it wouldn’t hurt the environment.  Well that could never happen.  Just ask Exxon or British Petroleum or the folks in Alaska or the Gulf of Mexico.  On the other hand, she says she is in favor or completely eliminating the Environmental Protection Agency.  Michele, why are you so concerned about big oil?  What have they ever done for you?

So Michele (I may be even dumber than you think) Bachmann says that the recent earthquake and Hurricane Irene was God’s way of getting politicians attention to the debt and deficit problem.  First of all isn’t she a politician and do you really think God is worried about the debt and deficit problem? 

Here is something to look forward to:  Mrs. Bachmann has written a memoir (I’m sorry but I have to roll in the floor here with laughter) and it will be coming out in November.  Who knew she could write?  No title as of yet but here are a few suggestions.
•    Open Mouth, Insert Foot
•    Running For President For Dummies
•    I Just Pray That I’m Not Married to a Gay Man
•    How To Get Attention by Saying Really Stupid Things.
•    I Believe Anybody Can Be President, Even an Idiot.
•    Bachmann Debacle
•    Minnesota Moron.
•    History of Minnesota: From Fats to Flake.

Here are few things that Rick (I’m so full of bullshit, it’s leaking out of my boots) Perry is not telling people about on the campaign trail. Texas has the most people in the country without health insurance and we are number one in the fewest people who graduate from high school. 

Or how about this one, Perry and the Republican-controlled Texas legislature requested, received and used $6.4 billion in stimulus money to help balance the budget. 97 percent of the budget shortfall was filled with stimulus money.

I keep reading about people bitching and harping about coverage of Hurricane Irene being over done.  Would ya’ll feel better if about 5000 people had been killed and billions of dollars worth of damage had been done?  I’m not saying the media didn’t do their usual over the top job, of course they did, but if it upsets you, don’t watch it.  And don’t blame the weather people; it’s the news directors that call the shots.  They say what goes on the air.

The rebels in Libya still haven’t found Gadafi but then again they haven’t searched Condoleezza Rice’s house yet...

After seeing the new list of contestants for “Dancing With the Stars” I’m wondering why the word “Stars” is still in the title?

Here is a headline for you…”Construction bounce seen from Irene”…YOU THINK?





Stay tuned for future adventures.

Another Dick Writes A Book

Tweet  According to the excerpts I’ve seen from former Vice President Darth (I am a Dick) Cheney, he really is the second coming of Darth Vader.  In the book he talks of trying to convince President Bush to bomb Syria.  He also wanted to bomb the National Democratic Headquarters, all of the blue states, Congress, The New York Times, the EPA, NPR, PBS,   and the houses of John McCain, Colin Powell, Valerie Plame Wilson and Condoleezza Rice.   The book stays true to his character in that he is an arrogant, belligerent, paranoid asshole and proud of it.

I just got a sneak peek at Michele (I’m not nearly as smart as I look) Bachmann’s health care plan which she will release later in the week.  It’s pretty simple.  It says if you get sick, her husband will pray you well.

Here is the latest word from FEMA.  “What hurricane?”

The latest national survey indicates most of the country is as fed up with Congress as I am. 



 Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harraumph Day

The next Republican debate should be interesting if Prick (This is not a typo) Perry decides to join in the fun seeing as how he couldn’t even hold his own against a 9 year old in New Hampshire last week.

 
So Michele Bachmann blames gaffes on busy speaking schedule.  Maybe she ought to try “Shutting the fuck up.”   

A number of my out of state friends have asked me if the summer has really been that hot in Texas, so I decided to include this piece that was passed on to me by my friend Paul Kirby who lives in California.


June 1st:
Just moved to Texas!
Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
What a place!
It is beautiful.
I've finally found my home.
I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up.
Got to 100 degrees today. Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air- conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.
I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.
Lots of cactus and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain.
No more mowing the lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking
longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool.
Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed 3 days of work.
What a dumb thing to do.
I learned my lesson though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed my cat, Lomita, sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up
to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon.
The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits.
I learned my lesson though.
No more pets in this heat.
Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again..

July 25th:
The wind sucks.
It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!
And it's hot as hell.
The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200
just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now.
$225,000 house and I can't even go inside.
Lomita is the lucky one.
Why did I ever come here?

August 1st:
It's 105 degrees.
Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85.
I hate this stupid state.

August 3rd:
If another wise guy cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to strangle him...Damn heat.
By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are
soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

August 5th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts,
When I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire.
My skin melted to the seat.
I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and butt.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt and baked cat.

August 6th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording.
Hot and sunny...Hot and sunny...Hot and sunny...
And the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state?
Water rationing has been on the last six weeks.
My $1,700 worth of cactus might just dry up and blow over.
Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

August 8th:
Welcome to HELL!
Temperature got to 110 today. Cactus are dead.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car.
The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me???
“Hot enough for you today?"

August 10th
My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.
Freaking Texas...
What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??
Will write later to let you know how the trial goes...

Author Unknown ~