I'm Just Sayin'

Here is the latest weather outlook for the country.  A Bullshit blizzard is beginning in Washington D.C.  CPAC (Creepy Pathetic Assholes Conference) is underway. I predict we will inundated for the next couple of days with incredibly stupid speeches and I guarantee not one solution or original idea will be brought forth.  

A new survey shows that 49% of Republicans don’t believe in evolution.  I think that number is a little bit low.  I would say at least 80% of the Republicans I have met haven’t evolved and if you are talking about the scripture spewing, gun toting, homophobic TeaNut Republicans, that number goes up to around 97%. I have met rocks that were more evolved than TeaNuts.

I saw where some goober said that TeaNut’s weren’t racist because one of their leading spokesmen was Dr. Ben (I Play A Doctor On Faux News) Carson.  I’m still laughing. I’m pretty sure closest ole Bennie has come to being a doctor is playing Hasbro’s Operation game. So far his biggest accomplishment is making Herman (Nein,Nein,Nein) Cain look like a genius.

Texas State Republican Represenitive Donna (I Have the I.Q. Of A Turnip) Campbell has written a bill to keep foreign countries from buying the Alamo. No not Alamo Car Rental, THE ALAMO.  It seems The Alamo has been included in the United Nations list of World Heritage Sites, which is as I understand it, a very prestigious list.  Double Dumb Donna doesn’t trust the United Nations and had this to say, “I can tell you anything that starts with the ‘UN’ gives me cause for concern,”  I guess un’s at the end are ok, like say Kim Jong un.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrumph Day

I came across this quote the other day. “A lie is like a dead rat. The longer you leave it, the more it smells” and boy is Bill (America’s Bully) O’Reily smelling up the place.  It is quite entertaining watching Bully Billy yell, shout and scream that everybody is a liar but him.  Bullshit Billy has been telling everyone for years that he was a reporter in the war zone during the Falklands war. The problem is that there were no reporters anywhere near the war zone during this war.

So far eight CBS reporters who were there with Young and Dumb Billy have said the only shots that occurred anywhere near them was fired from a tequila bottle while they were running up their expense accounts at a posh hotel in Buenos Aires, a safe 1200 miles from the war. All eight have said the only fighting Bully Billy was involved in was between him and his bosses.  There was a riot during their stay in Buenos Aires, but nobody was shot and nobody was killed.  

I really think what has gotten Blowhard Billy in the most trouble is his other stories about his war experiences.  There is the one where he says he led the invasion of Normandy and personally saved Private Ryan.  Not to mention that he was the co-pilot of the plane that dropped the bomb on Hiroshima or that he snuck into Hitler’s bunker and talked him into  committing suicide.  

Come to think of it, the one about Hitler has a ring of truth to it. I would think anybody that was stuck in a bunker for twenty minutes with Bonehead Billy would be prone to killing themselves.

Idaho TeaNut Republican Congressmoron Vito (I’m In The Witness Protection Program) Barbieri asked if a woman can swallow a small camera for doctors to conduct a remote gynecological exam.  Evidently Ole Vito thinks a woman can get pregnant performing oral sex.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

And The Whiner Is

I’m pretty sure the Oscars show is still going on.  I quit watching at about 3am.  They had just given the award for Best Assistant Projectionist.  If you are interested in becoming an actor and want to win an Oscar, I suggest you play a character who suffers from Autism, MS, Cerebral Palsy, ALS and stutters.  I believe you will be a shoe in.  

I don’t understand why no politicians are nominated at the Oscars, after all this is the highest award for acting.  Jeb( At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush made a speech last week to distance himself from his brother and dad saying that “he was his own man.”  He then turned around and named his foreign policy advisers of which 19 out of 20 worked for his brother or dad.  What a bonehead. I’m going back to bed.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

More Bubbles From My Soapbox

I am pissed off at Brian Williams and the reason why is that I like Brian and he did something really stupid.  The thing about it is that you can’t defend it because he certainly shouldn’t have done it but it seems the amount of criticism coming from mostly the media seems a little out of whack.

Brian told one lie which really was simply a embellishment of a true story to make himself look good.  No one was hurt, nobody got slandered or defamed, except himself. Where on the other hand George Warmonger Bush, Dick (I Really Am a Dick) Cheney, and Donald (I’m Not The Smartest Guy In The Room Even When I Am The Only Guy In The Room) Dumbsfield according to a recent study lied 935 times about Iraq.   

Punditfactof found that Fox News lies about 72% of the time and Bill (America’s Blowhard Bully) O’Reilly once told people on a book tour of his combat experience when the truth is the asshole never served in the military.

Then there are the millions of parents who lie to their kids about Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

36 Senators from the “Just Say No” party found that occasionally they can say yes…Well when there is money involved.  A report just released shows that the Koch brothers paid an average of $250,000 to the Senators who said yes to the Keystone Pipeline and only $22,000 to the ones who voted no.  And the number one Kochhead is Texas Senaterrible John (Not Only Is My Gun Concealed, But So Is My Integrity) Cornyn who received a little over one million dollars from the Koch Bros to say yes on the Keystone Pipeline.  

This is a project that will benefit only the Koch bros.  It will transfer oil from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico to be exported to the rest of the world.   Not a drop stays here, well, only the hundreds of gallons that will run out into U.S. soil during a leak, and it will only employ 35 to 50 permanent jobs.  

More news from the state whose motto is Oklahoma Is Okie Dopey.  Congressmoron Dan (I’m An Okie And I’m Dopey) Fisher has introduced legislation to ban Advanced Placement U.S. History class. Little Danny thinks the course teaches “what is bad about America.”  I am pretty sure he doesn’t want those little Okies to hear about the Tulsa race riots of 1921 where an estimated 10,000 blacks were left homeless, 6,000 were arrested, 35 city blocks were destroyed by fire and up to 300 were killed.  You see all of this has been left out of Oklahoma’s history books.


Stay tuned for future adventures.

Not Just Another Monday

Since it is President’s Day I thought I would take a look at the current President and some past ones.

President Obama will be remembered for bringing health care to millions of uninsured Americans.

President Bill Clinton balanced the budget for the first time in history and brought unprecedented economic prosperity to the country.

President George Bush lied to the American people and started an unnecessary war that cost billions of dollars and hundred of thousands of lives.

President Ronald Reagan, the patron saint of the Republican Party left this legacy.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Flakey Friday the 13th

Ok guys, if you don’t want to end up like those seven dudes in a garage in Chicago in 1929, you had better get that wife, lover or sweetie a Valentine card or chocolate for tomorrow. I understand in Alabama when you buy candy or a valentine on this day you have to sign a statement saying it’s for the opposite sex or face jail time.

Of all the comments made in the media this week about Brian Williams lying about his experience in Iraq, I thought the one from Fox News was the best when they said, “What, you can’t lie on television?’ That is also the same thing they said to their being sued by the city of Paris for reporting that there were sections of Paris that had been taken over by Muslims. I’m pretty sure “Better call Saul” is the head of their legal department.

And these words came falling out of Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry’s mouth yesterday. "Texas has been criticized for having a large number of uninsured," he said, "but that's what Texans wanted”.  I wonder why he didn’t go on to say that Texans wanted to be in the bottom five states in education, and that we wanted to be dead last in voter turn out.

Sarah (Half Assed Governor, Full Time Moron) Palin was in Texas yesterday ranting a few words at a program entitled “How Women are Showing 21^st Century Leadership”.  If the program had been called “People Who Quit Things in the Middle of It”, then I could understand why they had this bonehead speak. 



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Another Hump Day

This week's biggest humps:

Lawmakers in Oklahoma want to use the gas chamber for the death penalty.  They said they thought now would be a good time since gas is down to $2.00 a gallon.  Well what else would you expect from a state whose motto is, OKLAHOMA: WE ARE OKIE DOPEY.

Seems the gun nut wackos in Washington State are shooting blanks.  They had promoted a big rally of thousands this past weekend to meet at the state capitol and be arrested.  So about 50 boneheads showed up and found out that the Legislature was not in session, the Governor was out of town and the place was locked up tight.  Nobody went to jail, but it is obvious that they all suffer from a serious case of arrested development.  Yeah, these guys know what they’re doing.  

Faux News bonehead Eric (I’m Actually A Bigger Asshole Than Bill O’Reily) Bolling went on the TV this week and denied that Christians, or people of any faith other than Islam have killed in the name of their religion.  Really Eric….Not one person killed in the name of religion. I wonder if Eric ever heard of google where I found this.

Around 5,000,000 in the first 4 crusades, with another 1,000,000 in the Albigensian Crusade.  Then to weed out those nasty people that were left, there was The Holy Office to deal with, which accounted for around another 140,000. Mostly tortured first before suffering some disgusting fate that they dreamed up.

Maybe 200,000 witches, then you can add in the Wars of Religion in Europe that was about 3,400,000, The 30 Years War, 40% of Germany annihilated plus 1000`s of others.
Then there was the persecution of the Jews, about 450,000 up to the end of the 17th century and so on.

About 23,500,000...maybe more.

Missouri State TeaNut Congressmoron Mike (I Live On The) Moon, is calling on the state’s legislature to repel ObamaCare with “manly firmness”. Does that mean he’s calling his peers a bunch of limp dicks?.

 I guess the Department of Defense doesn’t think there is enough sexual abuse going on in the military.  They spent a little over $500,000 on Viagra last year. I guess only “A few good men” could get it up.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

A Beautiful Monday

It’s too nice a day to sit in front of a computer and write about sleazy politicians who say incredibly stupid things.  I’ll talk to ya’ll on Wednesday.
  

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Have A Heart

A big day coming up a week from tomorrow and it involves the heart.  Saturday the 14th is National Organ Donor Day.  I know this is a tough subject to think about but do take the time to consider what you can donate.  I personally don’t own an organ but I do have an old guitar and a stand up piano I will gladly give away.

Oh and Saturday is Valentine’s Day, so don’t forget your sweetie or you may be donating teeth.  I also think that tomorrow would be a good day for someone to donate a heart to the Republican Party.  It is pretty oblivious that they don’t have one.

Utah TeaNut Republican Brian (Not Only Am I A Mormon, But I’m Also a Moron) Greene says he is not sure it’s rape if the victim is unconscious.  I think maybe it would be a good idea to donate a brain to Brian.

And a heartfelt thanks goes out to Kory (Shoot First and to Hell With the Questions) Watkins, the head gun nut for Open Carry Guns in Texas, for being the “Typhoid Mary” of gun nuts everywhere. In his latest rant, he has threatened to shoot legislators who voted against gun laws. This bonehead has done more to stop the open carry idea dead in it’s tracks than anyone on the liberal side of this debate.  



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrump Day

This year’s Super Bowl featured 59 minutes and thirty seconds worth of good professional football and thirty seconds of professional wrestling.  It seems if the Seattle Seahawks were suppose to let the New England Patriots win, they could have done in a less dramatic way. If the Patriots have any class at all, they will send Pete Carroll a giant thank you note.   

Another responsible gun owner ends up in the hospital.  A three year old in New Mexico who found mom’s gun in her purse, shot mom in the shoulder and dad in the butt.  When questioned, the three year old said she gave them fair warning. She had told them three times she was tired of oatmeal in the morning.

Speaking of guns as folks here in the Lone Star state often do, newly elected Texas State Representative Republican Dan (Thanks To Everyone For Not Voting) Flynn has written a bill that will let teachers use deadly force on anyone including shooting students.  For you pansies who thought those nuns were mean using their rulers on your knuckles, be thankful you didn’t go to school in Texas.  

Kentucky Senaterrilbe Rand (My First Name is Ann) Paul has jumped into the vaccinations fray. Rand said that vaccinations should be voluntary and then went on utter this crap. “The state doesn’t own your children. Parents own their children,” Really….Where did you purchase your children Rand? The Kids-R-Us store. And this bonehead wants to be President.  

Alabama Congressmoron Mo (You Probably Know My Brothers, Curly, Larry and Shimp) Brooks has obviously teamed up with Texas Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert. Mo is sure that those terror babies sneaking across our borders that Looney Louie is always ranting about are to blame for the measles outbreak.  Mo went on to say that he wouldn’t be surprised to find that they are also to blame for “restless leg syndrome.”

I am pretty sure there is one TeaNut Republican who doesn’t care about the vaccinations controversy and that is North Carolina Senaterrible Thom (Germs Don’t Bother Me) Tillis. Ole Tommy thinks that restaurant employees shouldn’t have to wash their hands after going to the bathroom. As far as he’s concerned, that is just another useless government regulation. He said employers should only hire people who don’t pee on themselves. 

Texas Senaterrible Ted (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz has admitted that he tried marijuana as a teenager. He also said that he did inhale but that he never exhaled which explains why he is brain-dead today.





Stay tuned for future adventures.