Friday Bubbles From My Soapbox

The Republican primary season is now officially open or as we like to say here in Texas, the Running of Lemmings has begun.  I believe the number of candidates is now up to 113 or maybe 132, I’ll have to check my figures. I predict that the upcoming debates will have more people on stage than in the audience.

The latest to throw his name into the ring is former New York Governor George (At Least My Last Name Isn’t Bush) Pataki.  He is most known for having a really dumb last name.  When asked what he brings to the race that is different from the other hundred or so candidates, he said I have a really dumb last name.

Lindsey (I Need Another Mint Julep) Graham, Senaterrible from South Carolina is expected to announce his bid next week.  Lindsey brings a layer of incoherency to the race that is unequaled.  He had this to say this week on his knowledge of foreign policy,   "My family owned a restaurant, a pool room, and a liquor store, and everything I know about the Iranians I learned in the pool room," Even I can’t come up with a punch line on that one.

You sure have to give talk show blowhard Bill (America’s Bully) O’Reilly credit for one thing.  Ole “wife beater” Bill sure knows his audience. He describes his average viewer to a T.  “They are simpletons, unwilling and unable to discipline themselves into formulating a philosophy of life."  Gosh Bill I couldn’t have said it better. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Humps: It's Their Day

The number one hump of the week is Texas State Represenitive John (I May Be Dumber Than Gohmert) Zerwas.  Little Johnny boy wrote the bill that would cut education benefits for Texas veterans.  The bill came to the floor the day before Memorial Day.

Little Johnny who never served in the military, but I understand he had a G.I. Joe as a kid and played war with his friends, said that we just can’t afford to give these veterans any more benefits. I mean after all what have they done for us lately? 

Thank goodness, there were a few folks in the legislature that have a tiny bit of common sense and pulled the bill. I’m pretty sure ole Johnny will try it again on the 4^th of July.

So let me get this straight.  According to Former GuvnorBlowhard Mike (I Need A Job) Huckster, President Obama and Michelle are bad parents because they let their daughters listen to Beyonce, but Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are good Christian parents even though their son Josh molested their daughters.  And this asshole thinks he should be President.

The thing that pisses me off the most about this whole sorry episode is that it is all about Josh.  I haven’t heard Little Mikey or anyone else in the family say one thing about the daughters. Not one word. Did they get any counseling or therapy of any kind?  They sure don’t seem to have a say in any of this, but hey, this is the Christian way where women are considered second class citizens.

Just to show you that they really grow them dumb in Arkansas,  Senaterrible Bart (If You Think Huckabee Is An Asshole, Check Me Out) Hester wants the police chief fired  who released the police report on Josh (I’m A Touchy, Feely Kind Of Guy) Duggar’s abuse of his underage sisters. He said it was against the law to release the names of minors in sexual abuse cases.  The problem with that stupid statement is that none of the names were released and none of them were minors when it was released.

I just came across this website http://www.ontheissues.org/TX/Louie_Gohmert.htm and it tells all about Congrssmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert.  One of the categories was entitled “Louie Gohmert on Drugs” but it doesn’t say which ones he is on.  I always knew from the incredibly stupid things he says that drugs were in the mix somewhere.  Also Louie says he is all for extending the Patriot Act.  He said the suspension of Tom Brady proves that it is working.  

Dr. Ben (I Haven’t Got A Clue) Carson won the straw vote at the Southern Leadership Conference in Oklahoma last week guaranteeing that he will never be President.  Oklahoma:  Is Okie Dopey.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Memorial Day 2015

 Have a happy Memorial Day and I hope it is dry where ever you are.














Stay tuned for future adventures.

Flakes Of Friday

I have to admit, I just can’t make up my mind about Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neil) Bush.  Is he really that stupid or does he think the American voter is that stupid?   With all of the TeaNut Republicans making complete fools of them selves trying to answer the question of knowing what we know today, should we have started a war with Iraq.  Texas Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert went in a different direction and blamed President Obama.  Huh…. Here is the question I would like to propose…..To Louie’s mother.  Knowing what we know today, would you still chose to not have an abortion.

I saw an article online where a number of people commented that they couldn’t understand why the liberal media hadn’t given the names of the nine people killed at the shoot out at the biker bar in Waco last week.  So my large research staff got to work and found out who they were.

Tattoo Bob

Knuckles

Pontytail Paul

Bad Breath Benny

Missing Tooth Mitch

Born to be Willey

Hardly Harley (He rode a Suzuiki)

Handlebar Monte

Three Fingers Jackson

It’s official. We can now add “wife beater” to Bill (America’s Bully) O’Rielly’s resume.  I wonder how Bill and the blowhards at Faux News are going to spin this one. 

 TeaNut Republican Presidential hopeful Mike (I Need A Job) Huckster told an audience in Iowa this week that he wasn’t worried about people with guns that didn’t have any training” because “a good guy armed is still better than a good guy unarmed.”  I can certainly see where it is better for the gun manufactures and gosh, you never hear of anyone being accidentally shot.  Who needs training.

The Southern Republican Leadership Conference was held in Oklahoma City this week and featured eleven of the possible 150 Republican candidates running for President.   The last time there were this many clowns on one stage was at the Bozo memorial service. The candidate who seemed to impress the audience the most was Wisconsin Governor Scott (Street) Walker. Of course these were Oklahomans whose motto is: Oklahoma, We Are Okie Dopey.  

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Giving Thanks

Here are a couple of interviews I would like to hear just once in my lifetime.

Pinhead sports announcer:  Well Jim Bob you guys finally won the big one.

Goober quarterback:  Yeah and I have to give all the credit to the Lord.  You know most of the boneheads on my team are lazy as hell.  They don’t even show up for practice half the time.  Hell I’m pretty sure a couple of them are homos.  Anyway the lord decided we should win today.  I guess those assholes on the other team must have been even bigger dipshits than us. 

Pinhead CNN announcer:   Wow, it is a miracle that you are alive after a storm like that.

Goober citizen.  Yeah and first of all I have to give a big thank you to the Lord.  You know when that wind started blowing, .I got down on my knees and prayed harder that I have ever prayed in my life and when I walked out the front door, I knew that my prayers had been answered. 

Pinhead CNN announcer:  Well yeah, you still breathing is proof of that.

Goober citizen:  Well no, it was when I saw that my asshole arrogant neighbor’s house had been completely blown away with him in it.

Peabrain Fox News announcer:  We are talking with Willard Jenkins, the sole survivor of a plane crash that killed 297 people.

Williard:  I’ve got to thank the Lord big time for that for sure, but I have to admit I’m a little pissed he let me get on a plane with 297 losers.

NRA sprokesman:   I’m here with Clyde Bonner, part-time security guard whose gun accidentally fell from his holster and discharged 4 times while attending a wedding.  You’re a lucky man Clyde.

Clyde:  You can say that and I have to give all the credit to Lord for taking care of me.  Those bullets were ricocheting all over the place and I didn’t get a scratch. I was pulling my snuff can out of my pocket when my cuff caught on the hammer of my 44 mag and flipped it out of the holster.  I do feel bad for the two bridesmaids, the preacher and my wife who were hit, but I think they just have to chalk that up to being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  

Testimony from a satisfied client of ChristianMingle. Com.

I want to thank the Lord for leading me to ChristianMingle. Com.  I hadn’t had a date since 1993.  I mean I couldn’t get laid in women’s prison with a handful of pardons and within two days of signing up to their website, I was banging my brains out. 

 

Last but not least.

Pat Sajak:  Well Mary, you are the wheel’s big winner tonight with $85,000 tell us who is with you in the audience tonight.

Mary:  Oh that’s my soon to be Ex-husband Rob. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Morining Museing

Looks like Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry and his wifey po are going to be making a big announcement June 4^th. Anita (I Married An Idiot) Perry, the former first lady of Texas, recently said she and her husband “have been discussing the future of this great country and how our family can play a role.”  With Anita talking about how the Perrys can be of service to the country, I’ve got my fingers crossed that they are going to announce that they are moving to South America.

Faux News bullshit spreader Sandy (I’m Such A Blow Hard, I’ll Blow Anybody) Rios said last week that the engineer of the fatal Amtrak crash was a supporter of gay rights and may be gay himself, saying it was likely “a factor” the crash.  I believe it is in Leviticus 9:13 or it might be Ignoramous 12:23 where it says, “it is an abomination to let a gay man drive a train…pull a train maybe, but not drive one.”

  

OMG, the Clintons made millions from paid speaking engagements and the TeaNut Republicans are throwing a fit about it.  A top Republican said this country was built on “free speech”, not getting paid for it. Sounds like sour grapes doesn’t it?  The last time anyone paid (above the table) for a Republican to talk was Ronnie (Bad Actor, Worse President) Reagan on TV’s Death Valley Days.

Foreign policy has really thrown the Republican hopefuls for a loop.  When all of the front runners were asked to name somewhere in the Middle East, the most common answer was Virginia. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Bubbles From My Soapbox

The Republican Party is out in Arizona this week having their annual spring meeting cleaning.  Their conundrum is trying to figure out how to par down the number of boneheads eligible for the primary debates because it is likely they will have between 20 to 150 candidates running for President.

One way would be to have a TV show similar to The Bachelor or DWTS and eliminate somebody every week until you get down to one.  The perfect show would be to have them on “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” but probably none of them could survive that one.

They could also just draw straws because in the end, I really doubt if it matters who winds up holding the bag.

Here is the line up as it stands now.

Officially signed up:

Edwardo Teddy (Pick Me, Pick Me) Cruz

Mike (I Need A Job) Huckster

Ben (NutJob Surgeon) Carson

Marco (I Need A Drink Of Water) Rubio

Rand )My Mother Invented Fish Sticks) Paul

Carly (Your Fired) Fiorina

  

Waiting Stage Far Right to throw hat into ring:

Lindsey (I Need A Mint Julep) Graham

Rick (All Hair, No Brains) Perry

Rick ( I Need To Be In A) Santorum

Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neal) Bush

Chris (I'll Close That Bridge When I Get To It) Christie

Bobby (Jihad) Jindal

Donald (Massive Ego, Minimal  Intelligence) Trump

Scott (Street) Walker

There are four more who have expressed interest in running making a fool of themselves on the public stage but their names are so low in recognition that even I can’t come up with a snappy name to give them.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrarumph Day

Here are some real humps.

Texas State Represenitive Drew (Have Gun, Will Travel) Springer is trying to get some legislation passed that would let folks who get caught packing when going through airport security to be excused from being arrested if they claim they forgot they had a loaded gun with them.

You see ole Drew got caught a couple of years ago and was arrested for having a loaded gun in his suitcase. He told authorities that it slipped his mind about the gun. If his legislation passes, I guess one would be found Not Guilty by reason of stupidity.  

Former Baptist preacher, former Governor and former talk show blow hard Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee, as you can see he has a hard time keeping a job, was questioned about his hawking a dubious cure for diabetes to the folks of Arkansas.  When asked if that was taking advantage of ignorant people for a profit, ole Mikey said “I’m a Southern Baptist preacher, that’s what I do”.

Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neal) Bush was asked this question this week. “Knowing what we know today would you still attack Iraq?” Little Jeb said yes. Then the next day Jeb said he misunderstood the question. He thought she said, “Do you think Kim Kardashian has a nice rack?’

The Faux News blowhards are having a hissy fit over Michelle Obama’s commencement speech. It seems they think she was being too black.  I think they want her to be more 50 shades of grey.  

Stay tuned for future adventures.

New Week, Same Ole Stuff

All 6 candidates from the Republican Party who have officially tossed their hats halos into the ring to be President King and 4 more waiting stage far right were at South Carolina’s Freedom Summit this past weekend.   The amazing thing is that every single one of them indicated that Jesus will be their running mate.

The other topic discussed was how President Obama tried to disrupt their little “Jesus loves me more than you” fest by allowing tropical storm Ana to come into South Carolina the same weekend. 

Word was that Obama signed an executive order allowing Tropical storm Ana to break the rules by forming early.  They said everyone knows that hurricane season doesn’t start until June 1^st.  It’s been that way for two thousand years.  It’s in the scriptures.  Ignoramus 3;14  in the Bible clearly states that “thou shall not blow until the rising of the sun on the first day of the 6^th month” and for a tropical storm to form that early was an abomination.   

They all agreed it was just another way of Obama showing that he wasn’t a good Christian.

  

In keeping with the age old Republican tradition of flip/flopping, I noticed that Jeb (At Least I’m Not Neal) Bush has gone from this

To this.

Jeb, what a dumb name, announced last week that brother Warmonger was going to be his foreign policy consultant.  That’s like making Al Capone the warden.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

GOP: Gang Of Parasites

I don’t know who Roy Rigordaeva is ,but I couldn’t agree more with what he has to say.

So if you think what Roy has to say is out of line with true Republicans, let’s see what they have done lately.

Last week, the House Science, Space, and Technology Committee, headed by Texas Republican Lamar (I’m Not A Scientist, But I Am A Moron) Smith, approved a bill that would slash at least three hundred million dollars from NASA’s earth-science budget. Earth science, of course, includes climate science.

Then we have the Fetus Rights Bill (aka, Sanctity of Human Life Act) wherein fetuses are given more rights than the women carrying them,

Also the Republicans have a presented a new budget that calls for $4.2 trillion in cuts to benefit programs like Medicare, Medicaid and food stamps over 10 years. Domestic programs at Congress’s annual discretion would be cut by $496 billion below the already tight limits imposed by the Budget Control Act of 2011.

This would cut off health insurance to as many as 27 million people covered by either the president’s health care law or Medicaid; and slicing $600 billion from “income security” programs like school lunches, food stamps, tax credits for the working poor and nutritional assistance to poor mothers.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

What A Relief

As most of you who read this little piece of fluff on any kind of consistency know that my sweetie and I through circumstances beyond our control moved here to deep East Texas a few years ago.  Even though there are a few nice folks up here we have felt we have moved to the epicenter of dumbness.

Well you can imagine our relief this past week to discover that we don't  live among the absolute dumbest people in Texas.  No that honor goes to the boneheads who make up Bastrop, Texas.  Bastrop is a little bedroom community about 30 miles outside of Austin.  It is where the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre was shot which I’m starting to suspect  was actually a documentary 

The military is conducting an exercise known as Jade Helm 15 outside of Bastrop and a number of the citizens cretins who reside there are positive that it is actually a plan by President Obama to take over Texas.  Of course the military has been doing this exercise for over a decade and it is also being conducted in 5 other states. 

I am pretty sure most of the dimwits in Bastrop have never had an original thought in their entire lives; so it stands to reason that someone planted this little gem in the community.  That someone is Alex ( Mr. Paranoid) Jones, a talk show blow hard and full-time moron.  Delusional Alex also believes the U.S. government was behind the Oklahoma City bombings and 9/11. He also believes the moon landings were faked and that the Sandy Hook elementary school shootings were a government hoax. 

The really good part of this story is that Texas Governor Gregg (Hell On Wheels) Abbott, Texas Senaterrible Edwardo (I Haven’t Got A Clue) Cruz, Texas Congressmoron Louie (I Really Am As Dumb As I Look) Gohmert and washed up, never was, lame martial arts bonehead and really bad actor Chuck (Terminal Short-Man Syndrome) Norris have stuck their two-cents nonsense into the story and not in a good way.  It seems that they have found themselves in a giant quandary.  They don’t know if they should “Support our Troops” or “Fear our troops.”

I would just like to say to Bastrop idiots who are afraid their little villages is going to be taken over by United States of America.  You are a little late, that happened on December 29, 1845.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

The Way I See It

Major league baseball broke a record for the first time in their 139 year old history last week.  In the game between the Baltimore Orioles and the Chicago White Sox, not a single fan fell asleep during the entire game.  Of course there were no fans present, but that’s beside the point. Major league baseball has gone from America’s national past time to America’s nap time

Former Governor, talk show host and all around blowhard Mike (I Need A Job) Huckabee sure has a way with words. Last week on a radio show he said “any drunken redneck can walk into a bar and start a fight” to which I say, yeah but a redneck drunk on Jesus can start a war.

.

A quick glance at this quote and some people would probably think it was made by a liberal talking about the looting in Baltimore this past week.  "While no one condones looting, on the other hand, one can understand the pent-up feelings that may result from decades of repression and people who have had members of their family killed by that regime, for them to be taking their feelings out on that regime."

Sorry wrong answer. That was Donald (I’m Not The Smartest Guy In The Room Even When I’m The Only Guy In The Room) Dumbsfield talking about the looting in Iraq in 2003. I guess looting is in the eye of the beholder.

The TeaNut Republicans and Faux News boneheads are trying their best to create a scandal out of the donor money given to the Clinton Foundation. The truth is that The Clinton Foundation has been releasing their donor list since 2008.

On the other hand, the George Bush Foundation raised $361.8 million dollars between 2010-2013 with no attempt at accountability or transparency. The Dallas Morning News has investigated the Bush Foundation and found donations not only from politically connected millionaires like Sheldon Adelson but also foreign governments like the United Arab Emirates and Kuwait. I guess scandal is in the eye of the beholder as well.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

More Bubbles From My Soapbox

There are two sides to the Republican Party. There is what they say and then there is what they do. I have noticed that the two never seem to match up.

This is what they say:

Ever Republican politician loves to rail and rant on how big and intrusive the Government is. All they want to do is reduce government and get them out of our lives.

This is what they do:

They pass the worse and most intrusive piece of legislation ever written in my lifetime and now want to extend and expand it.  The Patriot Act.  They have put Arkansas Senaterrible Tehran Tom (I My Brain Is Made Of) Cotton in charge of doing this. I can see why, he has the least experience in foreign policy in all of Congress. They also do everything they can to keep government in our bedrooms and in women’s health care.

This is what they say:

We are doing this for our children and grandchildren because our children are the most important thing in the world.

This is what they do:

Every Republican governor in the country has slashed the budget for education in their state.  They are against every environmental issue on the table which tells me they could give a shit about the future. The unborn are their primary focus. Once they are born, they couldn't care less.

This is what they say:

They say they want to get rid of welfare programs, i.e food stamps and etc, because it just makes people dependent on the government.

This is what they do:

They give billions of dollars in subsidies and tax breaks to large corporations who make billions and billions of dollars in profit every year.   

They might think about changing the name to the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Party.  It would be much more accurate.  

 Stay tuned for future adventures.