Friday Newsy Stuff

New Jersey Governor Chris (I Didn’t Burn Any Bridges, I Just Closed It) Christie has been cleared of any wrong doing in the closing of the George Washington Bridge according to a report released today.  Of course that report is one that little Chrisy conducted himself. The report confirms also that they did NOT interview any of the key figures in Bridgegate including his chief of staff Anne (Traffic Jam Mama)Kelly, former Port Authority appointees Bill (I See No Evil) Baroni and David (I Hear No Evil) Wildstein or his former campaign manager Bill( I Speak No Evil) Stepien. 

As I understand it, Governor Chrissy asked himself if he had anything to do with the closing and he said no.  Well, that certainly clears that up.

 

The Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, known for protesting with hate signs the funerals of soldiers has put a message on their website asking people “to have the decency not to protest the funeral of their founder,” Fred (Thank God, He is Finally Dead) Phillips. These assholes are hands down to win the Gall of the Year Award….No make that the Gall of the Century

 

A couple of California Democrats are proving that they can be just as sleazy as Republicans.  State Senaterrible’s Leland (Unmarked Bills Only)Yee and Ron (I Take Mastercard or Visa) Calderon have both been arrested on corruption charges.

 

The Fox TV station in Houston has hired a new reporter and you will never believe it, but she is a BLONDE.   

Stay tuned for future adventures

Dumb and Dumber

Texas Governor Rick (All Hair, No Integrity) Perry was on the TV yesterday saying that equal pay issues are just nonsense.  What is total nonsense is that this bonehead has been elected Governor again and again. Thank God we will be rid of him soon. 

 

Texas Attorney General Gregg (Hell On Wheels) Abbott who wants to replace Governor GoodHair has put voter fraud as his top priority. He has called voter fraud “an epidemic.”  In the thirteen years that little Greggy has been Attorney General; his office has found TWO fraud cases. Wow, two phrases come to mind. Making a mountain out of a molehill or he is lying through his dirty rotten teeth.   I think I will go with the second one. 

And just to show you that little Greggy thinks he is special.  When the tree Gods decided to kick little Greggy ass by dropping a limb on his head back in 1984, Gregg sued to get compensation.  He has received so far about $6 million and will have gotten around $10 million when it is all said and done.  Now Gregg doesn’t think anyone else should have this privilege as he has tried to stop every law suit of this type since he has been Attorney General.  The good news is that he has lost all of them, but as they say, it’s the thought that counts.  What an ASSHOLE….

Gregg also lives in the men are superior to women camp. A story in the San Antonio Express-News reports that little Greggy’s office pays female assistant attorneys general less on average than men in the same position. 

Texas needs a gender change at the top, not another snake oil salesman.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

More Preachers and Politicans

First of all Billy (Generic Preacher) Graham’s son Franklin( Jesus Loves You, Well Not if You Are Gay) Graham praised Russian President Vladimir Putin-On-a-Show for persecuting gays in Russia and now Billy’s daughter Anne (I’m a Religious Nut Too) Graham Lotz has said that she thinks the missing Malaysian airplane may be part of the  Apocalypse.  I guess Heaven’s immigration is getting out of hand and can only take a plane load of folks at a time.

You know how the Republicans are big on family values; well one of their candidates running for Governor of California is a registered sex offender.  He told the L.A. Times that after he was arrested for picking up under aged prostitutes and was in jail, he found the Lord.   He didn’t say what the Lord was in for.

Another one of those family value Republican bonehead’s, Louisiana Senaterrible David (Who Says You Can’t Buy Love) Vitter, who was busted last year for soliciting prostitutes, told his colleagues last week how patriotic the Koch brothers are.  He said they loved America so much that they were willing to buy every seat in Congress, no matter how much it cost.

Florida Republican Governor Rick (I Thought I Was Elected King) Scott has been accused of campaign violations that could cost him as much as $82 million dollars. The one term Governor has already acquired a reputation of one of the worst Governors in the country.  Wow, it took Rick (All Hair,No Integrity) Perry a couple of terms to get that reputation.  

Jordan (I Am A Certified Crook) Belfort, the original “Wolf of Wall Street” who went to prison for scamming Wall Street investors out of millions of dollars, is selling a seminar on ethical persuasion.  He says it teaches you how to sell things without lying. This bonehead still owes victims nearly $100 million dollars in restitution.  I am pretty sure the Republicans have found their nominee for President in 2016. 

 Stay tuned for future adventures.

Rodney Appleseed

No time for bitching and ranting.

Spring has sprung, the Sun is shinning.

I’m outside.

Mowing and planting.

See ya next week.

 Stay tuned for future adventures.

Mid-Week Doldrums

Boy have I got egg on my face.  Itt’s National Poultry Day and I don’t have any chicken, turkey or egg jokes.  I could talk about the biggest turkey in Texas, Congressmoron Louie (I really am as Dumb as I Look) Gohmert or the biggest chicken-shit in Texas, Gregg (Hell on Wheels) Abbott, but I’m really tired of giving these assholes a minute of my time.

 

Franklin ((Jesus Loves You, Well Not if You are Gay) Graham said last week what a great guy Russian President Vladimir Putin-on-a-Show was for persecuting those evil gay people. What a jerk.

 

Cari ( My I.Q. is the Same as My Age) Christman who is executive director of Red State Women, a new Republican PAC in Texas, says that they are opposed to the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act because women are too busy.  Good God, where do the Republicans dig up these women?  Is there a Stepford, Texas that I don’t know about?

 

The Malaysian missing airplane has just gotten weirder.  The plane is still missing, but the baggage arrived yesterday.

 

Have you heard about the new Japanese country singer, Merle Haggersan?  He wrote “Karaoke from Muskogee.” 

 Stay tuned for future adventures

Time To Turn Green

Hey it’s St. Patrick’s Day and I plan on being green all day today.  I have decided to be envious of everybody and everything the entire day.  I don’t have to worry about wearing something green or drinking green beer since being envious is quite easy.  I just drag out all of my resentments from the last twenty years and let my imagination go wild.

I have never understood the saying “Luck of the Irish.”  When you look at their history from the Great Potato Famine, religious wars and being ostracized when they immigrated to America, they don’t seem so lucky.  And speaking of the Great Potato Famine of 1845, why did all those potatoes move from Ireland to Idaho anyway?

Another one that boggles the mind is the Irish fascination with leprechauns.  If leprechauns are so cool why does the rest of the world treat leper colonies like the plague? I mean there is nothing lucky about having leprosy.    

One of the oldest Irish traditions, “Kiss me, I’m Irish,” and “Blarney Stone” goes all the way back to the Stone Age. It was started by Fred Flintstone’s third cousin, a well known gigolo and ladies man, Jim Bob BlarneyStone.

Of course St. Patty is most famous for driving the snake out of the Garden of Eden

In related items:

There is the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame featuring their star hunchback Quasimodo(he probably rings a bell) not to be confused with the bickering, sniping, arguing, complaining Irish Parliament and I would be remiss to not mention Ireland’s number one rock band, “Ewe Too.”

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Headlines

The new TV series Cosmos had 17 million viewers last Sunday.  Wow, who knew a documentary on Kramer from Seinfeld would have that much interest?

Officials have a person of interest in connection with the Malaysian airplane that vanished into thin air. It’s David Copperfield.

Here is the true definition of “Religious Freedom".  Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church takes in around 30 million dollars a year TAX FREE. 

The owner of the Texas truck stops known as Buc-ee’s  has endorsed Dan (I Use to be a Sports Nut, but Now I’m a Religious Nut) Patrick for Lt. Governor of Texas.  The truck stops will now be called “Yuc-ee’s.”

Texas Congressmoron Sheila ( I May Be as Dumb as Louie Gohmert) Jackson Lee told her colleges in the House this week that we have been operating under a Constitution that clearly defines what is constitutional and what is not for four hundred years now. Sheila obviously flunked history, math and common sense in school.  Gee, I wonder why nothing gets done in Washington?



Stay tuned for future adventures.

From The Research Department

Happy Birthday to the Girl Scouts.  They are 102 years old today and most of them don’t look a day over 12.

It is also National Plant a Flower day so get out and do a little digging in the dirt. It will make you feel better and who knows you might grow something other than older.  Speaking of flowers brings us to the question of the day asked in Tanya Tucker’s song Delta Dawn when she sang “Delta Dawn what is that flower you have on?” It was Betty Crocker; she fell down in the kitchen.

Viagra ads are called “The age of knowing” and they show a guy driving down the road and his car overheats so he stops and puts water in it. Wow, who would ever think to do that? Apparently they feel their customers know very little. 

Cialis ads feature a man and woman sitting in two bathtubs side by side on the beach.  I have seen this commercial at least a thousand times and I haven’t figured it out yet.

Wouldn’t it be great if the giant pharmaceutical companies would stop playing with their dicks long enough to cure cancer. 

I am really surprised that officials involved with searching for the missing Malaysian airplane haven’t questioned J.J.Abrams, the creator of “Lost.” 

Thanks to CPAC (Creepy Pathetic Assholes Conference) for once again showing the world what creepy pathetic assholes they are.

Someone stole $600,000 dollars from Joel ( I Declare I Love Money)Osteen’s Lakewood church last Sunday night.  Wow, I am shocked.  It must have been really low attendance Sunday. 




 Stay tuned for future adventures.

It's About Time

I lost an hour over the week-end.  I don’t where I put it. It was sure as hell here Saturday night and come Sunday morning it was gone.  Someone said it was because of Daylight Savings Time but I haven’t saved any daylight.  I haven’t saved any time either.  In fact I don’t believe you can save time anymore than you can save daylight.  Saving time is like trying to hold smoke in your hand. 

The real deal is that there really is no such thing as time. There is only Now.  What was a minute ago is a memory and what will be in the next minute is imagination. The only thing real is right now.  Time is something that man invented so we could keep track of things. 

It is amazing though how much emphasis we put on time.  Like many things, Native Americans knew that there was no such thing as time.  In the old days when a white man told an Indian that he was late, the Indian would say, “No I’m not, I’m here. How can I be late if I’m here?” There is only now.

Old Man Time is just another character who resides in a make-believe world with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.    

And for those who say you only have so much time, I say you only have so much life. Use it wisely.

For you Texas travelers there is new truck stop with great coffee.  It’s Starbuc-ee’s. 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Pondering

They actually voted to block the benefits bill to veterans. What a bunch of assholes

Republicans:
Big Mouth---Tiny Brain
Large Ego---Little Compassion or Empathy
Long on “What’s Wrong with the World---Short on Solutions
Narrow-Minded—Widely hypocritical

. 

After listening to all of the Faux News reporters and pundits gushing over their new hero, Russian President Vladimir Putin-on-a-Show, I’m pretty sure they will be moving their headquarters to Moscow anytime now.  Speaking of Faux News, have you ever seen all of their bonehead reporters in a group photo? 

Hmmm, I thought cloning was illegal? 

CPAC (Creepy Pathetic Asshole Conference) is going on in Washington D.C. this week and Congressmoron Paul (I Hate Poor People) Ryan attempted to show the difference between the left’s attitude toward the poor and his own by telling an anecdote at the end of his speech.  The problem is that the anecdote was made up. The Pinocchio gene runs deep in these boneheads.

A few thoughts on the Oscars show.  I understand the industry wanting to recognize their people but I can’t understand why they made it a contest.  I really don’t think movie making is a competition event.  I think the Oscars show should simply be a night of recognition.  I don’t get how you can compare the vastly different movies and decide one is better than the other. If they had stopped at the end of the nominee portion it would have been perfect.   They could say, out of all the movies made this year, we feel that these are the ten best and of all the performances by a male actor, here are the five best and etc.  You can still have a TV show, of course it would only be thirty minutes long, but they can still party all night.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Politicans, Preachers and Pimps

 Actually I don’t have any stories on pimps, I just liked that title.

Congrats to Wendy Davis and Leticia Van de Putte in winning the Democratic primary for Governor and Lt. Governor of Texas. The Democrats now have two very capable and strong candidates to vote for: Now they just have to get out and VOTE. In the last general election, Texas was dead last in voting attendance.

Low voter turnout produces Republicans in office. The Republicans love to talk about New Jersey Governor Chris( Never Burn Your Bridges, Just Close Them) Christie’s landslide win last year in a Blue state.  What they don’t talk about is that the election had the lowest voter turnout in their history.

I can remember when conservative Republicans just hated frivolous lawsuits. Evidently that has changed because now they just love Texas Attorney General Gregg ( Hell on Wheels) Abbott who has sued the Federal Government 27 times and has lost 23 times. Wow, what a record. Ole Gregg has cost Texas millions of dollars in frivolous lawsuits.   Now you know why when you look in the dictionary for the word, hypocrite; it says, see Republicans.

Oh boy another Bush in Texas politics.  George Peckerhead Bush, nephew of George Warmonger Bush, won the Republican primary for Texas Land Commissioner.  I’m not sure young George knows what the Land Commissioner does.  When he first announced he was running for Land Commissioner he said, “Airplanes are a important part of our daily lives and the landing is the most important phase.”

This comes under the heading: Out of the Mouths of Boobs.
Pat (I Have God on Speed Dial) Robertson uttered this little gem yesterday. In an answer to a caller he said, “There’s nothing in the Bible that says you can’t marry your first cousin.”  Well yeah, since the Bible says that Adam and Eve populated the world, I would say there was a lot more incestuous crap going on than just cousins marrying.  He then went on to say, “You don’t want to have some mongoloid child.”
The Mongolian ambassador immediately issued a statement saying Pat would no longer be welcomed in their country. 

This just in:
I did find a story about a pimp.  Former Congressmoron Tom (I Used to be Called the Hammer, Now I’m Just a Tool) DeLay has a new job.  The Washington Times has hired little Tommy to write a column for the paper.  Tom said he would began just as soon as he could find someone to write the column.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

A Few Thoughts That Ran Through My Brain and Came Out My Computer.

This message appeared on my TV yesterday.

 I am pretty sure it is the result of three weeks of non-stop Republican candidates’ bullshit.    

We have a new member here at the cat ranch.

His name is Harry or as we mostly refer to him; Prince Harry.  We are pretty sure he is of royalty as he is already running the household.  Even though Harry was born in the wild, he has domesticated us quite nicely.  He is a skilled tree climber and a one-cat wrecking ball in the house.

As with most of the country, we are sick and tired of Mother Nature dragging her Cold
Front though town every week.  I can’t wait to start bitching about how hot it is. 

The Oscars reminded me of a Ted Cruz speech.  Three hours long with about
a minute and half of content.

The Walt Disney Company has decided to cut ties with the Boy Scouts of America over a controversial policy banning gay adult leaders.  The Boy Scouts have responded by saying that the Disney Company discriminates against short people.

Stay tuned for future adventures.