Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Those wonderful patriotic T-Bonehead Republicans care so much for America that they are willing to shut down the government. The irony is that even if they shut down the government because they want to shut down Obamacare, IT DOSESN’T STOP OBAMACARE. The money is already committed. The whole move is as stupid as Ted (I Am really more like Charlie McCarthy than Joe McCarthy) Cruz’s 21 hour rant.  By the way if you didn’t know, of the 21 hours (which he didn’t do all of the talking, other people did) he only spent ONE HOUR on Obamacare.

Forget about little Teddy (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz and Rand (I’m So Narrow-Minded, My Hat Size Is A Two) Paul being the front runner for the T-Bonehead Republicans in 2016.  I have found the perfect candidate for them.  He fits their criteria to a tee, or should I say a T-Bonehead. It’s Silvio (I Love Older Women, Well Not Over 18) Berlusconi, former Prime Minister of Italy. He has an extensive record of criminal allegations, including mafia collusion, false accounting, tax fraud, corruption and bribery of police officers and judges.
   
Berlusconi was also charged with paying for sex with nightclub dancer when she was under 18.He was also charged with abusing his political powers in an attempt to cover up the relationship by trying to persuade the police to release the girl while she was under arrest for theft, based on a false claim that she was a relative of  Hoosni Mubarak’s.   At this writing Berlusconi is on the verge of bringing about the collapse of the Italian Government. If that isn’t a Republican move, I don’t know what is.         

There shouldn’t be any problem with his citizenship as the T-Boneheads can prove that he had sex with a number of American women, some of them even old enough to be mothers.

Bill (I May Not Have the Biggest Ego in the World, but I Am the Biggest Asshole) O’really said in an interview on 60 Minutes that his new book Killing Jesus was not a religious book because none of his research was from the Bible.  This obviously means that good ole Bill just made everything up because there is not one word in the recorded history of the world about Jesus except in the Bible. If you don't believe me, just ask Google.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Friday Follies

Scientists have discovered thousands of dinosaur tracks in Alaska.  Sarah (I Just Love A Man With A Big Gun) Palin said she would immediately petition Alaska to open up dinosaur season as soon as possible before the populous was over run with wild dinosaurs.   


Oh wow, the big filibuster is over. Oh wait, it wasn’t actually a filibuster, it was just a jerk with a giant ego screaming for attention.  It didn’t stop anything, it didn’t accomplish anything and most people didn’t even notice it. Other than embarrassing most of the Republican Party and being a complete waste of time, the best part was when little Teddy (Look At Me, Look At Me) Cruz read Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham.  The moral of Dr. Seuss’s story is that you shouldn’t complain about something you haven’t tried.

I’m pretty sure that little Teddy thought that Dr. Seuss was a real doctor and the book was the answer to  one the world’s most sought after questions, which came first, the chicken or the pig.


This is a good one. Republican Senaterrible from Colorado Kent (I Live In The Twilight Zone) Lambert asserted that Colorado’s state law permitting civil unions between people of the same sex was a "mind-control experiment" by Democrats to force voters "to believe in homosexual marriage."  Huh, sorta like the way Christians use Vacation Bible School with children.



The Republican war hawks have decided that the Kenya Mall massacre was the last straw.  After the terrorist group al-Shabaab took credit for the attack, the war hawks have called for rounding up all the terrorist groups immediately.  So far members of al Qaeda and al Shabaab have eluded them but they have taken into custody, Al Roker, Al Micheals, Al Gore, Ali McGraw,  Al Pacino, Al Unser, Al Sharpton, Al Jarreau, Al Martino, Al Kaline, Al Jardine and family members of Al Davis, Al Capone and Al Jolson.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Hump Day

Here are some humps.

Sarah (Half-Assed Governor of Alaska) Palin is really upset with those mean ole Republicans who are mad at her little boy toy Ted ( I have a Giant Ego, a Big Mouth and a Tiny Little Brain) Cruz.  She made some kind of stupid comment (have you ever heard he make any other kind) on Faux News about moose season ending and the upcoming 2014 elections. I can’t get pass trying to kill Bullwinkle to think how it connects to the elections.

The Religious Right is worming their way into the school boards around America and here are some examples of their fine work.  These are some the books that have been banned around the country and why.  The Diary of Anne Frank for explicit sexual content, Charlotte’s Webb for talking animals (seems that’s the devil’s work) and all of the Tarzan books because Jane and Tarzan were never married. 

What I can’t figure out is how The Bible manages to not make it on the banned list.  It has a talking snake, lots of murder and mayhem (brothers killing brothers) polygamy, plenty of sexual content immaculate and otherwise, incest (Hey if Adam and Eve were really the only two people, something was going on in that family) and I am pretty sure that Jesus turning water into to wine made him the world’s first bootlegger. 

A haunted house in Pennsylvania is taking “scare the pants off of you” to whole new level.  For $20 bucks you can go through their “Naked and Scared Challenge” buck naked. If something like that popped up around my neck of the woods, seeing some of my neighbors naked would be way scarier than any haunted house.






Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday Morning Quarterback

Don’t you just love it when the answer to mass shooting is more guns.   Wayne (My gun is bigger than your gun) LaPinhead, the President of the NRA and pimp for the gun manufactures, said that there should have been more good guys with guns to take down the one bad man with a gun after the second mass shooting at a military site. He didn’t say what the ratio should be, 2 to 1, or maybe 10 to 1.   

Doug Dagger, the president of the NKA (National Knife Association) says he is thankful that mass knifings are way down.  He said he couldn’t remember the last time some one killed 12 random people at one time with a knife. 

Religious leaders in San Antonio are upset because say that a new law against discrimination doesn’t let them to discriminate against people they don’t like.  Yeah, I know. You may have to read that one twice.  After all, why call yourself a good Christian if you can’t go around judging people.

 Pope Frankie the Sissy said yesterday that, "The world has become an idolater of this god called money,"   This is from a guy who heads up an organization with an estimated worth of 8 billion dollars.

I am really surprised that the Republican war hawks haven’t jumped on Obama to use air strikes to quell the civil war in Chicago. 

It is quite apparent how the Republicans are still so upset about the 4 people killed in Benghazi doing a job that they volunteered for and knew was dangerous, but could give a shit about the 12 people killed at the Navy shipyard last week

How is shutting down the Government NOT treason?  Why don’t we de-fund Ted (Benedict Arnold) Cruz? 

If all of the Republicans who hate Government so much would just go home, things might work better.

How about the 24 hour news channels?  Fox News makes shit up. CNN gets shit wrong.  Its 2013, I think we deserve better.

I know I have said this before, but I think it bears repeating.  Why does Wolf Blitzer have a job?

So far the Republicans have spent almost 60 million dollars of the taxpayer’s money trying to repeal Obamacare and this past week they voted to cut 39 billion dollars out of the food stamp program.  What a great bunch of humanitarians and to think we actually pay these assholes a salary.



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Sleazy, Snakey and Stupid

SLEAZE

The Texas 3rd Court of Appeals has overturned former House speaker Tom (All Around Asshole)  DeLay’s conviction on money laundering by a 2 to 1 ruling. There were 2 Republicans and 1 Democrat on the panel. A jury of 12 folks listened to 40 witnesses and found little Tommy guilty as charged, while these three bone heads read a few notes and decided that the Sugarland Slug was innocent.   Makes me wonder if the two Republicans didn’t read a few C-notes? 

S

SNAKE

Governor Rick (All Hair, No Integrity) Perry is on the road again on the taxpayer’s dime touting what a fabulous job he has done as Governor of Texas for the past fifty years. Yes I know, but it seems that long. Governor Good Hair had the audacity to visit a gun manufacture 48 hours after the mass shooting at the Navy shipyard to entice them to bring their guns to the Lone Star state. 

I wonder if Snake oil Rick is going to tell them that Texas is number one in most people without health insurance, number one in least amount of graduates from high school, number one in releasing the most carbon dioxide and hazardous waste and have one of the highest proportions of poverty in the country.

In all fairness, I have to tell you that Ricky had plenty of help in this.  Texas is also dead last in voting attendance which is the primary reason Rick the Dick  and his creepy Republican cronies has been able to stay in office so long. 

Slick Rick’s motto is “ask not what Texas can do for you; ask what you can do for me.”
Ole Ricky has gone from a dirt farmer to a millionaire.

Then we have the JUST PLAIN STUPID.   Congressmoron Louie (I’m Too Stupid to be a Crook) Gohmert  went on the TV and made one of most idiotic statements of all time about the mass shooting at the Navy yard.  He said there was no reason to talk gun control because that would be like saying obesity happens because there were too many spoons.  By the way Louie didn’t say a word about the victims of the shootings. He was way more worried someone might want to take his precious penis…er I mean his gun away from him.  



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Hey, Guess What Day It Is?....

The Hump of the Week.

Meet Scott (I’m Not Gay, I’m Just) Lively, the pastor of Abiding Truth Ministries which he runs from his home.  Someday he hopes he will have a real church just like a real preacher.   Scott says he is the one who should be credited for the law passed in Russia against gays. Scott has praised Russian President Putin-on-a-Show as “the defender of Christian civilization.”  I’ve heard Putin called a lot of things, but not that.

I do believe Scotty spends a lot time on his knees but I don’t believe he is praying. I predict ole Scotty will be next in the news for being caught with a male hooker.   We should start a pool to see when this happens and give the money to Scott so he can move to Russia.

He also said, “Come what may, I will continue to advocate for the Biblical view of family until my final breath.”  Most of the anti-gay stuff in the bible comes from the Book of Leviticus which was written by Moses.  You remember Moses, the world’s worst tour guide.  He spent 40 years wondering around a desert you can actually walk across in three weeks.  So here it is two thousand years later and because Moses bought a faulty map from a gay guy we’re suppose to hate gays.

I have the feeling ole Scotty probably spends a lot of his evenings listening to Cher records and doing a little self-massage as he stares at pictures of a shirtless Putin

A town dating back more than 2,000 years has been discovered on the northwest coast of the Sea of Galilee, in Israel's Ginosar valley.  Archaeologists think it may be the town Jesus sailed to after feeding four thousand people bread and fish as described in the Gospel of Mark.  The remains of a boat with the name SS Messiah was found along with a large receipt from Red Lobster.

In a recent survey which asked people what their favorite age was, most Republicans said “The Dark Ages.” Makes sense to me, after all the Dark Ages are known for being an era of intellectual darkness, cultural and economic deterioration.  It was basically an era of ignorance, superstition and social repression. 



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Dear John Letter

Arizona Senator John Complain, the grumpiest old man in the world according to the Guinness Book of World Records  is going to write a column for the Russian newspaper Pravda as a response to the op-ed piece in the New York Times by Russian President Putin-On-a-Show.  I was able to get my hands on ole McGrumpy’s first draft and thought I would pass it along.

Dear Russia-type people, well those that can read, 

I would like to say that we are a very peaceful country and if you don’t believe that, we will bomb the hell out of you. We believe in the democratic process and do not put up with dictators and if you don’t believe that, we will bomb the hell out of you.

We are very concerned about your President, ole shirtless boy, backing Syrian President 
Bastard el Asshole, as he is someone we would like to bomb the hell out of.  We don’t like people telling us what to do and we will bomb the hell out of you if you do. Even though President Obama seems reluctant to use bombs, we Republicans have vowed to put the “Bomb” in Obama.

Of course being a firm believer in capitalism and the free market I feel obligated to tell you that we have a great inventory of American made bombs right now, so if you would like to buy some, let me know.

By the way, I do like your vodka and promise we won’t bomb any of your Smirnoff factories.

Yours truly, John (Wayne) McCain.

P.S.  Lindsey Graham says “Screw you too.” 

Two mink-lined cashmere capes as well as a fur, mink-hooded parka are among the items up for auction today that were illegally bought by disgraced Representative Jesse ( Soon To Be Shoeless) Jackson Jr. from campaign money.  Jesse said that he had made a mistake in buying the items, that he should have bought a couple of jurors and judge instead.   




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Rare Saturday Sermon

There is a new cult in my neck of the woods called the Church of Wells.  It is located in Wells which is a little dip in the road between Lufkin and Tyler Texas.  You may have read or heard about it since they have been in the news of late.  It seems the Church of Wells believes everyone is born a sinner and the only way to get right with Jesus is to be born again. Personally I lean toward the First Church of the Frisbee, where they believe when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and you can’t get it down.

The whole thing about us all being born sinners comes from the Garden of Eden and a talking snake which makes me think the book of Genesis might have been written by Steven King.  What the Church of Wells follows is stuff that is written in the Book of Acts which of course comes from the Gospel of Luke which of course is from Star Wars.

Personally I can’t remember what it was like being born in the first place so I am having trouble with the whole born again process.  Does it involve going all the way back to step one (conception), the wonderful folks who conceived me are no longer with us.  Do you pick it up at the point of sliding out of the womb, the doctor who delivered me is also long gone or is it at that time in your life when you say, “how in the hell did I get here?” which I have said too many times to remember because I won’t stop and ask for directions.

I’m not sure why the local media has gone full blown coverage over a cult.  You would think they had never heard of the Catholic Church

I don’t believe in what these folks think but I believe in their right to believe what ever they want.  I could care less in what they believe or do as long as they don’t start serving Kool-Aid to their followers.
 
I will say this to all those folks who claim to have been born again.  If you really were born again why didn’t you get a better hair-do?








Stay tuned for future adventures.

Another T.G.I.F.

Hey it’s Friday the 13th and you know what that means. We are 13 days into the month and it’s the last day of the week.  It is also the T-Bag Bonehead Republican’s favorite holiday, National Blame Someone Else Day.  Of course they actually do this everyday of the year but today it is official.  

Even a jerk like Russian President Putin realizes that another war in the Middle East is not a good thing.   Of course the Republican war hawks are beside themselves that we haven’t started a new war.  After all, Iraq is over and we are leaving Afghanistan so how are they going to justify the giant defense budget if we are not shooting and bombing people.

It appears the George Zimmerman Defense Fund was misnamed.  It should have been called the George Zimmerman Living It Up Fund as none of the over three hundred thousand dollars went to pay his attorneys.  They say they haven’t received a nickel. The upside of this is that the gun nuts who shelled out this cash didn’t get to spend it on guns and bullets.

Evolution is a funny thing. An example is how “Dancing with the Stars” has evolved into “Dancing with Someone You Might Have Heard Of.”

Oh the irony.  Michele Bachman could be convicted of violating campaign law for using money from her campaign to promote her book “Core of Convictions.”

Pope Frankie the Sissy announced yesterday that you don’t have to believe in God to get into heaven.  I think everyone is okay with that except the two boneheads who wrote the “Left Behind” series.  I understand they are devastated.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Harrumph Day

When I would look out over the political landscape of Texas, I was sure that we had the absolute most dumbass politicians in the country.  Well I have to admit I was wrong.  Even though North Carolina and Florida have come close to beating us in the stupid category, it is Iowa that takes the prize.  They have decided that it is ok for blind people have the right to carry guns. BLIND PEOPLE….PEOPLE WHO CAN’T SEE WHAT THEY ARE SHOOTING.

Of course blind folks have to take a little different tack when it comes to confronting criminals.  Instead of yelling don’t make a move or I’ll shoot. They say please move so I can hear where you are and then shoot you.


It appears that the politicians don’t have a lock on stupidity in Iowa, preachers make their mark also.  A youth council pastor in Council Bluffs, Iowa said he had a good reason for having sex with teenage boys.  He said, “to help them with homosexual urges by praying while he had sexual contact with them.”  I do agree that the only time many people talk to God is during sex but I really don’t think that is what this bonehead meant.

 Thanks to Texas Governor Rick (Hey I’m Healthy as a Horse and Dumb as a Mule) Perry's health care program known as JesusCare (Pray That You Don’t Get Sick), Texas is now dead last in health care quality according to a federal report released this week. 

A new documentary, “Mission Congo,” puts the spotlight on Pat Robertson’s refugee charity, Operation Blessing.  It says that planes that were supposed to be used to carry medical supplies were actually carrying diamond-mining equipment to Robertson’s mining operations.  Robertson said, “They are completely false.”  When asked if he thought his followers believed him, he said, “my followers believe in Immaculate Conception, talking snakes, that a man can live inside of a whale and that the earth is only six thousand years old. What do you think?” 




Stay tuned for future adventures.

Monday's Monologue

George (Quick-Draw McGraw) Zimmerman is being held by the Florida police for threatening to shoot his wife and father-in-law.  George said it was complications from a medical condition he had. He said it had been awhile since he had shot someone and just had a really itchy trigger finger.  


The S.W.A.T team in Pine Bluff Arkansas killed a 107 year old resident of a nursing home in shoot-out over the week-end.  They said they had no choice; the man had barricaded himself in his room and was shooting through the door.  Let’s see. He is in a room that he can’t get out of and everybody is safely away.  What was the urgency?  I am pretty sure the Pine Bluff “long arm of the law but extremely short on the brain cells” team could have waited a while. I doubt if he had a stockpile of bullets and at 107 he could have dropped dead in the next two minutes. I wonder if the head of the S.W.A.T team in Pine Bluff is named Zimmerman.

An off-duty police officer in Conroe,Tx has shot a 17 year old kid who was thought to have been shoplifting.  The officer said he shot the boy because the teenager was fighting him and he feared for his life.  The problem is that the boy was shot in the back of the head. Sounds like a wanabe Zimmerman to me.

The International Olympic committee wants Lance (I'm Not A Drug Addict, I'm Just Stupid)Armstrong to give back the Bronze Medal he won in the 2000 Sydney Olympics.  Lance said he didn’t have the medal, has never had it, has never been to the Olympics and has never ridden a bicycle.

The Three Stooges traveled to Egypt over the week-end to have a love fest with the head of the Military, General “I’m not a Sissy”, who overthrew the elected President Mohamed Morsi, who was a top Muslim Brotherhood leader.  The 2013 Stooges are Congressmorons Michelle (I Really Am Dumbass) Bachman, Louie (I Am an Even Bigger Dumbass) Gohmert and Steve (I’m Just Plain Stupid) King.  The three also mentioned that the Muslim Brotherhood was who attacked us on 9/11.  I guess they didn’t get the memo about Osama bin Laden and Al- Qaeda.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Signs of Life

All my life I have heard people say that they were looking for some sign that they were on the right path.  I was never sure exactly what sign they were looking for but it made me aware that there are a number of signs around us that we should pay attention to.  Here are a few.

I don’t trust this one. This is Government work so for all I know they might have closed the wrong lane.

 This one pretty well states where the Republican Party is today.

In the middle of nowhere.

 This sign

Usually leads to this sign.

Kudos to the San Antonio city council who voted 8 to 3 this week to approve anti-bias protections for gay and transgender residents.  They join another 180 cities across the country that has approved similar ordnances. Of course most of the top Republicans in Texas including Attorney General Gregg (I'm Just Not a Stand-Up Kinda Guy) Abbott and Senaterrible Ted (I Have Yet to Have an Original Thought) Cruz were against it because of religious beliefs.  That belief being that they have the right to hate anyone who is not like them.  This sign pretty well says it all.

I think this is the only sign I am going to pay attention to.

Stay tuned for future adventures.

It's Hump Day

The hump of the week and possibly of all time is Donald (I Just Start Wars, I Don't Finish Them) Dumsfield.  Ole Donnie, master planner of the “Aw shucks, did we fuck up” war on Iraq, went on the TV to slam President Obama for not charging over to Syria and starting a war.  He said, "You have to have a vision, you have to know what you're going to do.” What a dumbass, Helen Keller had more vision than this jerk.

All the humps out there who continue to post sayings on Facebook and everywhere else about putting prayer back in school. Kids are praying all day long. “God please help me pass this test. Please make that red headed girl like me. Please don’t have the teacher ask me a question.”   Every kid in every class room in every school in America can sit and pray all day long.  They just can’t do it over the loudspeaker.

Dennis (My Only Friend is a Cruel, Evil Dictator) Rodman is back in North Korea visiting his buddy Kim Jon Un. I think you could call them asshole buddies since they both qualify. Dennis might watch his back though, last week the news reported Kim Jon Un had his ex-girl friend executed. Dennis may wish he had gone to North Dakota instead.

Tim (God’s Number One Draft Pick)Tebow has been cut by the New England Patriots. Little Timmy’s professional football career has turned out to be about as long as his passing game. 

Ted (Lance Armstrong is My Mentor) Cruz’s new TV ad slamming Obamacare has received the Pinocchio award from the Washington Post’s fact checker. 



Stay tuned for future adventures.