New York City?

Well I have a little announcement for ya.  It seems that some folks in New York City, NEW YORK CITY?.  I’m sorry but anytime someone in Texas says New York City, NEW YORK CITY?, that happens.  Anyway these folks run a website called www.hotslop.com and they read some of my blog and have asked me to be one of their contributing writers.  I was of course reluctant at first, after all we are talking New York City, NEW YORK CITY?…. 

  But after the huge amounts of money they were talking about, I agreed to join their writing staff. Of course the huge amounts of money had nothing to do with me, but they were talking about huge amounts of money.  Well over $17.00 at one point.

My column will be called Sleeps Til Noon just like my blog and will contain a lot of my blog but with some more edgier stuff.  I invite you to check the site out as they have some very funny articles, videos and other interesting writers.  

Once again it is  http://hotslop.com/friends/sleeps-til-noon  Thanks to everyone for giving some time to reading Sleeps Til Noon and I hope that you continue to enjoy it.  I really appreciate it and now if you would just send money, I would be eternally indebted to you.  You know like forever, all of my life. At least until the money ran out.  That sort of thing.  

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Odds and Ends.....Mostly Odd.

In the Viagra ads they always say, “If an erection last for more than four hours call your doctor.”  If a man’s erection lasted four hours, he would call everybody he knew.

I’m sorta surprised that Sarah Palin got booed on a dancing show. She’s one of the biggest tap dancers in the world.

I see where George Blanda kicked off  this week.

Lady Gaga is lobbying to change the military’s, “Don’t ask, Don’t tell policy.”  She wants to change it to “I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours.”

Did you know the word tavern came from the latin word tabernaculum  which in English means tabernacle?  I'm just telling you this so that the next time you come staggering in at 2am and your wife wants to know where you’ve been, you just say you have been doing a little communion down at the tabernacle.

Teachers use to say one of their biggest problems with kids was ADD and a little too much spirit.  Now its AT&T and Sprint…..

It seems parents all over the country were upset with Katy Perry’s low-cut dress on Sesame Street. This is a show where Grover, Elmo, and Oscar the grouch don’t wear pants.

According to a new survey, home schooling is on the rise.  My parents wanted to home school me, but couldn’t find a teacher who made house calls.

The list of nominees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame came out this week.  Unlike in 2006 when the Sex Pistols were inducted, everybody on the list can actually play and sing.

The attorney for the city manager of Bell, CA who was being paid $800,000 a year stated today that the reason his client was paid such a huge salary was because the city council believed he was worth it.  The city council also believes the earth is flat, Madonna can act and that George W. Bush was a great president.

With all the hot air that comes out of Hollywood, I’m surprised the temperature in Los Angles isn’t higher.

Linday Lohan is back in rehab and she says that she is going to pass those drug tests no matter how many hours of studying it takes.


 Today's good read is The Last Ember by Daniel Levin.  If you liked the The Da Vinci Code you will enjoy this one.









Stay tuned for future adventures.

Pondering, Thinking, Ruminating and Speculating

Star magazine has accused Ashton Kutcher of cheating on his wife Demi Moore.  Word is Demi caught him in bed with his camera.

Supposedly the Tea Party candidate for Senator from Delaware is a witch.  I don’t care just as long as she’s no longer married that dipshit Darrin.

Blockbuster is going out of business.  Newsflash….. Blockbuster has been out of business for years.

I think the distrust I have for doctors started the day I was born.  When the doctor slapped me on the ass I remember thinking, “What the hell did I do?”

I understand Lady Gaga is endorsing a new perfume; it’s called A-1 Steak Sauce.

The trapped Chilean coal miners have sent word that they are very depressed.  Apparently they just found out David Hasselhoff was voted off Dancing With The Stars the first week.

Why is the Miss Universe pageant always held on Earth?

The only way baseball would be interesting is if they just played one inning, needed one out and ties were settled with a steel cage match.

3-D movies, 3-D Television, 3-D Computers.  What’s next?   Live concerts and Broadway shows in 3-D?

Wow, the top of the Republican agenda is cutting taxes. Man, I didn’t see that one coming.  Now there is some really radical out-of-the-box thinking.

.This is for anyone holding a sign that says “Take America Back.”  Unless you are a Native American…”Shut the f#*k up.”

A spokesman for the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s dept. said at a news conference that Lindsay Lohan had been a model prisoner. She didn’t break a single law the entire hour she spent in jail.  No sir, not even a parking ticket.

Undercover Boss should be interesting this week.  The guy is head of the Mafia.


Stay tuned for future adventures.

Getting Old Is Not For Sissies

The old saying “If it is too loud, you’re too old” is completely wrong.  If you are old, it’s not loud enough.  “Huh, what did ya say?”  “Do what?” 

A good safety feature on automobiles for the older generation would be to have the horn wired to the turn signals.

There are some things that you absolutely can’t do until you get older, like growing hair in all the wrong places.

The difference between a wise elder statesman and a grumpy old asshole is about $100,000 dollars.

I am assuming that God no longer likes old people.  Why else would people in the Old Testament live to be 800 years old and today it’s down to 75.

They say inside every old man there is a young man asking, “What the hell happened?”  In Bret Favre’s case, it’s his teammates asking that question.

So far the only positive aspect of Bret Favre’s passing game is that he hasn’t passed out or passed a kidney stone.  I really didn’t think Bret was too old to play until I watched a game last week and he had to call time out five times to go pee.






Today's good read is The Midnight House by Alex Berenson.  Alex is one of my favorite CIA thriller writers.  This is his new one.


 Stay tuned for future adventures.

The Golden Rule

You know the one, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”   I truly believe if we all followed this simple rule the world would be a much better place.  Unfortunately the golden rule that seems to be used in today’s world is “He who has the gold, rules.”

Speaking of gold, gold’s value is a cultural phenomenon.  Mostly it is deemed valuable because it is RARE.  Well, that got me thinking.  Uh oh, here we go again with me thinking.

Here are some other things that are very rare in this world.

• Anyone in Washington who has any common sense.

• Corporations who have a clue to who their employs are.

• Radio stations that plays more than twenty songs over and over.

• Talk radio host who actually know what they are talking about.

• Politicians who tell the truth.

• Celebrities who have actually done something creative.

• A Wall Street banker who has a conscience.

• Me getting up before noon.

 Why do they give you a gold watch when you retire?  Once you’re retired, why would you care what time it is?  They should give it to you when they hire you so you can get to work on time






 Stay tuned for future adventures.

Let's Talk Sex

So I was reading an article the other day and it kept referring to casual sex.   When I got to thinking about it, I wondered if there was such a thing as formal sex.  I mean we have casual dress and formal dress, casual dinning and formal dinning and etc.  It just stands to reason if there is casual sex there must be formal sex. 

It can’t have anything to do with a dress code because I would think in either setting both parties would be naked.  I would think formal sex would consist more of “Pardon me, may I?” and “Oh very lovely.” And a lot of “Oh yes, that is perfect.” And “Oh goodness, that is heavenly.”  Possibly there is, “Oh my, that is quite larg….er, grand.”  And a lot of “Yes please do continue.”  And “Dear me, I do believe I am arriving.” 

I would think the bedside copy of “Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask” has been replaced with Emily Post’s book of Etiquette.

And for something entirely different, I just ate in a restaurant that had a sign up by their soda machine that said “refills for dine-in customers only”  Did they really have that many people getting food to go, going home and eating, and then coming back and refilling their drinks? 

A word of warning, according to the synonym police, yelling combustion, ignition, spark or conflagration in a theater is illegal.

This just in, Lindsay Lohan has failed another drug test.  Maybe instead of rehab, they should have sent her to study hall.

After years of research, it appears the first mail order bride in the world was ordered by Cain.

Today's good read is Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins.  It is the second book of her Hunger Games trilogy and maintains the pace set in the first one.  I can't wait to read the third one.


 





Stay tuned for future adventures.

Costco Manifesto Part Deux

I was in COSTCO the other day and they had this booth by the exit that had a big read arrow under a sigh that said Tell Us What You Think.  Well I couldn’t pass that up.

I think the New York Jets after not being able to find the end zone in their first game, didn’t score with the female sportscaster either.

I think that genealogy is the study of Barbara Eden.

I think rock stars should have names like Boulder or Granite or maybe Marble.

I think, therefore I am….. Some what confused

I think the news media should be referred to as the here-is-what-we think-happened- today media.

I think that no matter how mad she was at him, Quasimodo’s mother never told him to straighten up and fly right.

I think war is stupid and peace is intelligent.

I think the only people involved in fighting the War on Poverty is the Salvation Army.

I think the law of gravity is the only true law and all others are man made and can be changed in a day.

I think that a lot of the members of the Tea Party are revolting. By the way, do they only get together in the afternoons?

I think banks think it’s their money.

I think music is wonderful and the music business sucks.

I think the next time that pop-up comes up on your computer screen about how much your car insurance will run or how much grant money you can get by calculating your age, you should plug in 103 or 6.

I think what I really hate about spam mail is all the time it takes to answer it.

I think baseball games should only be six innings long so we don’t have to sing that stupid “Take me out to the ballgame” song.

I think being a tattoo artist would be a really sticky job.

I think COSTCO didn’t really want to know what I think about everything.








Stay tuned for future adventures.

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut and Sometimes You Don't.

Some days I think funny and some days I don’t, but I always think. Today is one of those un-funny days and this is what I think.

I keep hearing people talking about the values and principals this country was built on,  but I find what they are spouting are mostly ad slogans and political talking points that were dreamed up by someone who had an agenda that had nothing to do with the welfare of the country.

How about having a fresh idea or a concept that you thought up, not just repeating what someone else said?  Are you a Republican or Democrat, Catholic or protestant because you really studied their different ideology or because mommy and daddy are?  I don’t care what you are, just be yourself, not a clone.

How many times have you heard that it just takes good hard work to be successful?  Really……how many rich coal miners do you know?  I can’t think of anything that would be harder work than being a coal miner and there are lots of rich people who haven’t hit a lick at a snake or never lifted anything heavier than a fork.

I tell all the artists I work with that the music business is a total crap shoot.  Having a lot of talent doesn’t guarantee anything.  Mostly I think success comes from passion and perseverance..  A lot of success comes from being in the right place at the right time and that usually comes from persistence.  I also know that success and happiness are not always the same.

If you can live your life doing what you love to do, then you are a huge success no matter what your bank account says and if your happiness depends on what other people think of you or your talent, you will never be happy.  That only comes from what you think of you.

Here is today's good read.  The Cabal by David Hagberg.  It is an international thriller about a shadow government within the government.  I think you will like it.
Stay tuned for future adventures.

Fun Just For The Fun Of It

My wife, who is a creativity coach, wrote in her latest newsletter that we should all take a break and do more things that are fun.  I thought that was a great idea so here are some fun things to do.

Call a sports talk show and ask if the San Francisco Forty Niners and the Indianapolis 500 play in the same division.

Tell your bank that you need a loan for plastic surgery because you want to change your profile on Facebook.

Call your favorite radio station and request Caffeine by Eric Clapton.

Tell your neighbor that you think lawnmowers emit too much pollution so you are getting goats to keep your grass mowed.

Call the local race track and ask if they serve fast food.

If you ride to work in a car pool, every thirty seconds ask, "Are we there yet?"  This works great on a bus also.

If you are a student, tell your counselor that you are getting a bachelors degree because you are planning to never get married.

The next time you go to a baseball game, during the seventh inning stretch stand up and sing “Centerfield” by John Fogerty.

 

Stay tuned for future adventures.

Costco Manifesto

I was in COSTCO the other day and they had this booth by the exit that had a big read arrow under a sigh that said Tell Us What You Think.  Well I couldn’t pass that up.

• I think a penny saved is 1 cent.

• I think that life is too short and that Larry King has been on tv way too long.

• I think there are groups that do much good around the world.  Doctors without Borders is one, but there are some that are quite the opposite.  Lawyers without Morals and Politicians without Ethics, just to name a few.

• I think cats make great pets but a dumb Broadway musical.

• I think the Tour De France should feature bicycles built for two so that the contestants and their drug dealers can ride together.

• I think the next overnight pop sensation will be discovered in daycare.

• I think football would be more interesting if both teams wore the same uniforms.

• I think there would be less fighting in ice hockey if the penalty box had an electric chair.

• I think in the two party political system we have; the party is private and the public is not invited. 

• I think politicians have gone from kissing babies to kissing corporate asses.

• I think that Roger “The no Rocket scientist” Clemens has proved that steroids make your muscles larger and your brain smaller.

• I think Wall Street should be in Las Vegas.

• I think the first illegal aliens were the Pilgrims.

• I think the only hope for radio is 3-D.

• I think the price of electric cars is shocking.

• I think poetry slams can be painful.

• I think I’m tired of people who say, “I’ll tell you one thing,” and name five.

• I think it is good that sperm banks don’t have ATM’s or drive-up windows.

 I think Costco hasn't heard the last of me..





 Today's good read is The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins.  This is one of the best books I have read in a while and it's the first of a trilogy.

 Stay tuned for future adventures.

The Art Of Conversation

Are you as tired as I am of people dropping political talking points or ad slogans into conversations as if they had just thought of it?  I have started dropping things in like, “Well, it is the quicker picker upper,” or “Ask your doctor about Cialis today.”

The next time your boss asks you to do something, just say, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”  If you really want to sound smart throw in, “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.”

Here is a good one; “Reach out and touch someone.” Just make sure you are not having a conversation with a priest.  How about if you’re talking with your neighbor who is an engineer for NASA, try “Let’s build something together.”

If the conversation turns to the lottery, slip in this one, “We make money the old fashion way….We earn it.”  Or if a friend is talking about their recent divorce, just smile and say, “How do you spell relief?”  And if someone is confiding in you about their secret sexual orientation, drop in, “Be all that you can be.”

If you are the guest speaker at commencement ceremonies, you can really inspire the young grads with, “A diamond is forever,” and “Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don’t.”

The next time a couple of Jehovah Witness’ ring your door bell, greet them with, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”

When your child asks if you are going to make it to their 3rd grade Christmas program, smile and say, “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.”

If you are ever in an elevator with Steve Jobs and he looks pale, nudge him and say, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

And when trying to make the big impression on a date with a new girl, sometime during the evening, drop in, “Home of the Whopper.”

 



Stay tuned for future adventures.

Random Thoughts on A Rainy Afternoon

I do believe that America has talent.  I just don’t think very much of it shows up on America Has Talent.

American Idol now has plenty of contestants but no judges.  Hey this could improve the show a hundred percent.  Here are a few names that are popping up as the new judges, Judge Judy, Judge Reinhold and Judge Doom, from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.”
As always the biggest problem will be getting the nominees through the Senate confirmation hearings.
        

After seeing the line up for this season’s Dancing With The Stars, I’m thinking they should change the name to Dancing With People Who Are In The News A Lot Or Want To Be.

In the world of Apple, there is Ipods, Ipads, Ipod touches, Itunes and Iphones.  In my world there is I don’t have it and I don’t care.

Oh boy football season is about to crank up and to get you in the mood, here are some pre-season scores.  21 to 6, 19 to 13 and 11.  As I get older, watching sports has dwindled considerably in my daily life.  I don’t know, watching extremely over paid, constantly pampered whinny athletes has lost a lot of it’s appeal. It could have something to do with the fact that I don’t drink anymore.  I’m not sure.



My good read for today is 61 Hours by Lee Child. This is another in the Jack Reacher series. One of the best characters in American crime fiction today.




Stay tuned for future adventures.

TV or Not TV

Something funny happened to our TV this summer.  Now that we have thought about it, we can’t remember the exact date it happened because we didn’t think too much of it at the time.  But sometime in early June of this year, we turned our television OFF.  Now here is the kicker, we haven’t turned it back on. Why the TV Police haven’t shown up at our door demanding that we act like good Americans and watch seven or eight hours of television a day is a mystery.

I haven’t seen a single newscast, local or national and guess what?  I pretty much know what’s going on in the world and feel damn good about it, downright morally superior you might say. The difference is I’m not walking around angry, tense or uptight as if I could change anything the boneheads in Washington are up to.  They have yet, after forty some odd years of voting, to ever call me up and say “Rod, what ya think we ought to do?” 

 I surf the net and if a story appears that I might be interested in, I check it out.  If the story starts pissing me off, I click to the next one.  There is something about just reading the story, instead of hearing it told to me in the slant that the news people want to give, that makes a difference.

 I’m sure at some point we will turn it back on. There are a number of programs we like to watch and when the new season starts back up, we will probably check them out.  Maybe……  I think there was a pretty good reason someone named television The Boob Tube back in the early sixties.  It really is a brain drain.  Instead of being zoned out in front of the tube, we have spent most of that time, Reading. 

I know, we could be spending the time looking at the soaps so we could compare our selves to fictional people who have scripted lives that are a never ending drama or letting Dr. Phil tell us how screwed up we are.  Or watching Oprah show us how many fabulous friends she has or Simon Cowell berate some poor dippy kid in front of millions of people but we just read rather than shrink our brains down to zombie land.

All in all it has been a great summer and I don’t feel like I have missed a single thing.
The more I think about it, we may have to continue this good life right into the fall.